I have posted this story to so many boards that It tires me to rewrite it. So I will just give you part of a "coming out" letter I sent to my aunt and uncle. I found this site in the process of searching for information on being TS at NIU in IL.
I was wondering if things had changed since I was there. I was treated rather poorly by the psychologist there. I am hoping perhaps my bad experience taught all of them some lessons.
I hope to be able to meet and get to know you all better.
___ The following is quite lengthily and included for completeness.
All my life I have acted and reacted more like a female than a male. This is not rooted in any sense of inferiority or any such paternalistic, manly point of view. Nor is this about some "feeling of gender identity" It just the way I am and have been for as long as I can remember. From my doing my nails with my mother at age 7 to my interest and hobbies. At about 13 I saw an older girl who I had played with, at a fair. She was with her boyfriend. I told her "I want to be like you and have a boyfriend like yours.." This focused all of what had happened up until then and shaped what was to come. I acquired hormones by any means necessary. By 14 people who did not know me to be a male thought I was female unless I told them and I did if necessary. Many people who did not know better thought (and most still think) the name Hontas is a girls name due to it's association with Pocahontas. Often I did not challenge this. I was raped once, I never told anyone of this. I will even admit to having let a guy think I was his girlfriend. Because he was very big and would beat the snot out of anyone who would mess with me. While at the same time treated me with respect and gentleness. The only break was for a while when I was in California, I was not willing to do what I would have to have done to get money, for hormones there (prostitution, porno, etc). Had I stayed longer perhaps I would have.
Anyway I got back to IL and planned on doing this right out of high school. Then had legal trouble. Then once that passed I went to get help from the psychologist at the university I attended. I went to him just wearing shorts and a halter top, hair done. He did not know, and his eyes indicated he was attracted, until I told him I was male. This psychologist blew a gasket. He cursed me and said "get out of my office you pervert Like I had admitted to being a cannibal. The psych department made him apologies, but the damage was done. All the rest of my time there he gave me a strange look. Like he wanted to tell. Which could have gotten me killed. After that I spent the next 4 1/2 years living as a male as much as possible. I converted to Islam from atheism out of true belief. Not part of a ploy to be more manly. I have tried sex with women twice, It was ok. Kind of like a dry chicken sandwich on white bread with no mayonnaise or mustard. One of these women held absolutely nothing back. She did things that make man make noises like the principal in Forest Gump. My reaction was to fall asleep, wile she was doing her thing. I was constantly on guard to make sure I laughed right, and spoke right, stood right, and walked right. To heck with all that. I would eventually go really crazy from doing that.
Now that I have all ties separated from that old university I can finally execute my plan to live life as I now know for 100% certain, I should always have.
God, do I feel for you. And I'm sorry to hear that people are so ignorant, but unfortunately, I know it's true. I have a degree in psychology, and can tell you that what that school therapist did is absolutely inexcusable, and runs directly contrary to the rules set up by the American Psychological Association. You could well have sued him.
Anyway, I'm glad to hear you're starting your journey toward your true identity... I just began admitting my FtM status myself. Glad you found Susan's, and I'm sure everyone will be supportive.
Rafe
Hello Brenda, and welcome to Susan's
Hopefully our board will be to your liking and that this will be the last time that you have re-write an introduction. In any event, I'm certain that you will find Susan's to a lot better than the other boards that you may have encountered. Take your time and get to know the site and be sure to explore the Chat area, the Links section, the Wiki, and of course here in the forums.
Do participate where you can as that's what makes this site so special - it's members. So relax, enjoy your stay, you are among friends.
Steph
Hi Brenda:
I'm so sorry for everything you had to endure in your life, but I"m really happy that you have found us. Hopefully, like Steph says, this will be the last time that you will ever write an introduction to any website. Susan's website is our cyber space home; sometimes when I enter here at Susan's I feel as if I were entering a completely different world where everyone's experiences are somehow connected and where magic happens....
Get familiar with your new home now...explore the many doors this house has, for you may find an angel in desguise hidding behind them!!!! ;)
tinkerbell :icon_chick:
Thankyou all.
I think I will mostly lurk here for a long while before doing more posting. I see some familliar looking avatars. I see some new ones too.
@Rafe
True but somehow I think a jury in that county would decide against the transsexual just because. It is in a very rural area. I actually had a few people admit to me that I was the only first black person they had ever spoken to about anything.
Welcome, Brenda!
Having someone who is supposed to help react to you like that irks me to no end. It smacks of incompetence as well as just plain rudeness. I've been reading posts here at Susan's for about a year and have been posting my own for about six months. I've learned that anyone who has displayed attitudes similar to that psychologist's are removed from this site very quickly so you should have nothing to fear around here.
I hope to hear more from you in the future. When I share on this forum what I am going through regarding my gender problems I get as much, or even more, benefit as the people who read them.
Once again, WELCOME ! ! ! :D
Hi Brenda. Good to see you found this forum too.
Melissa
Welcome Brenda. It's strange how a trained professional can be so ignorant, but from my understanding some have no knowledge of TS, though that doesn't excuse his behaviour. Hope the rest of your journey is on a happier note.
Well he was at a university. It may be the one I saw was in training. He was kind of old to still be in school. That univ has many non traditional students.
Anyway "damm the torpedoes full steam ahead and all that". Anyone who acts that way with me this time is getting slapped. In hindsight that's what I ought to have done.
FIRE & ICE
The two words I think describe you so well together.
I can appreciate the story in your intro especially loved the analogie with the chicken sandwich...
or maybe im just hungry right this sec.
any how if you need any assistance slapping anyone e-mail sis!!! LOL
Always down for a girl fight!
Chynna
Hi Brenda,
It good to meet you.
I find post is a good way to sort out your feelings and sometimes just vent.
:)
Jillieann
Hi Brenda,
It sounds like you have the inner strength to take you where you want to go.
I wish you well.
Becky