My counselor doesn't feel I'm "ready" for RLE. She's made it clear that she believes 18 is not the right time to make this sort of a decision. She won't even let me consider "trying on the role," seeing if it really fits. She doesn't think I'm ready for it at all, so I asked her what I was ready for. She doesn't seem to be competent as a counselor because she acts like I am not capable of anything. That seems to be a bit heavy-handed. I'd like to feel like I am making progress in my own self discovery.
She told me to think about it more. But God damn it, I've thought about it for over a year. I think now is the time to start trying things, then sponging from the experiences and thinking more. I want to take action. Heck, that's supposedly what my gender is about, right? I have something in me that drives me to get the job done. And yet I have to sit back and take it.
Today is what exposed me to what is most irritating. My name. I worked at a place where people volunteer to build houses. I had to introduce myself as my legal female name. Ever since then, they were being overly sweet to me, the construction men. Not only that, but the director of the team invited me to "woman's day." And later, my grandma told me, "a girl really should learn about things like construction and mechanics." I've been driving nails into walls, fixing cars, today fixed a washing machine, and instead of people saying, "Wow, that's a nice hobby," instead they congratulate the "young independent woman." It's irritating.
They don't notice my cringes. My, "well..."s. My "yeah... thanks, I think"s. No, they think I'm just shy. They can't tell I'm offended. They don't see my fists ball up, or my legs tense. They don't notice that it irritates me that I'm just some "sweet young girl trying boyish things-- HOW CUTE!"
So my only tank top that flattens my chest out satisfactorily broke. My damn chest broke the tank top. I walked around hunched all day because the shirt I was wearing pronounced my chest (I was borrowing a polo from my step mom... it seemed androgynous enough until I put it on).
I'm biting the hell out of my nails again, because my anxiety is up through the roof. I forgot to call my counselor to tell her when the next appointment would be okay. I almost don't want to see her again, because she's determined, like everyone else, to say, "It's a really long process," and then do nothing. She's MAKING it long.
I'm spiraling into another depression. I'm hating my situation. I'm growing to be very angry. I don't want to go to school and have people keep calling me "princess." I'm sick of all of it. I want to be acknowledged for who I am, but in order to do that, I need to start full time. And I want my full time effort to count. I want it to count so that I can transition before I'm 30. I don't want to shoot all my young years down the goddamn toilet.
For once my trans complaints have nothing to do with my lack of penis! I have more important things to care about.
Your counsellor sounds worse than my (ex-)shrink, and thats saying something! If you can't make a decision about your life, and a reversible decision at that, when does she think you can?
If you think that its the right thing to do for you, then just go for it. You don't need a therapists permission to live as you, or to explore who you are. And its not like you can't go back if you found that you're not ready for it yet.
Your counselor sounds like she's confusing the roles of parent and therapist. I really don't think she should be making decisions for you, but rather helping you decide what to do.
~Kate~
I agree with Kate. You should do what you feel is right.
I agree with Jenny. You don't need a counselor's permission to start living the way you wanna live. Do what you can when you're ready.
Quote from: Elwood on July 18, 2008, 09:00:51 PM
She won't even let me consider "trying on the role," seeing if it really fits.
I know that you're smart enough to know this, but PLEASE don't let your psy hold you back. It is not her life. She is there to play devil's advocate, sure, but that's it.
As transpeople, we're taught that we must abide by the rules set down by the mental health professionals who guide our decisions. Just don't lose your autonomy, okay?
Wishing you luck,
Lia
sounds like a bitch to me... who is she to say that you cant dress, act, and introdue yourself as a guy.
Tons of peeps transition at 18 and even younger. In most cases, that's preferable to waiting and accumulating more years of suffering under your belt. It's not like you're going to be more sure of your gender any better at 30 than you do now.
I don't see her point, unless she's doubting your transness or something.
Find a new therapist.
I'm going to be unequivocal about this:
Fire her!
There are other therapists out there. You're paying her to help you and it sounds like she's doing just the opposite. She sounds worse than a gatekeeper!
Be proactive and take control, it's YOUR transition.
It sounds to me like your therapist isn't trained in GID. I totally agree with all the others.
Beyond is totally correct.
FIRE HER! Immediately if not sooner. There are more caring therapist out there.
You are your own man, Sweetheart. So stand up and be counted for the man you are. No one can stand in your way. You will never really know until you start.
All my love,
Janet
I don't understand how she can stop you? Why can't you just present as male and pursue a name change then see another counselor?
Either way, she sounds crap :-\
You know what feels right for you Elwood, take the next step. The therapist might be playing devil's advocate, or they might not be the right counselor for you... But you can proceed w/ out their approval.
Z
I think Devil's Advocate is a very likely approach. I'm going to have to assert my readiness. It isn't up to her to know when I feel ready...
I told my dad about this and he's kind of upset too. She isn't really addressing my GID or anxiety issues. So I'm still back where I started. He thinks I should have a therapist in addition to this counselor... Heck, or maybe stop seeing her entirely... I like her, she's sweet and she listens. But she isn't helping. I don't think she knows that she isn't helping. Last time I was sobbing in her office because she made me feel trapped. She made me feel like I have to be female for "so long" before I know that I'm male. She didn't say this; in fact, she's very polite to me, doesn't address me as female, doesn't disrespect my gender identity at all. Instead, she just stomps on my transition parade. Says I'm not ready. You know what? Maybe if I started transition, my life would be a whole lot easier. I could come out and have no one question me.
I'm ready to tell people I'm trans, gay, queer, whatever. I'm not ashamed anymore.
Quote from: Elwood on July 19, 2008, 11:56:21 AM
I think Devil's Advocate is a very likely approach. I'm going to have to assert my readiness. It isn't up to her to know when I feel ready...
... She isn't really addressing my GID or anxiety issues. So I'm still back where I started. ... I like her, she's sweet and she listens. But she isn't helping. I don't think she knows that she isn't helping. Last time I was sobbing in her office because she made me feel trapped. She made me feel like I have to be female for "so long" before I know that I'm male. She didn't say this; in fact, she's very polite to me, doesn't address me as female, doesn't disrespect my gender identity at all. Instead, she just stomps on my transition parade. Says I'm not ready. You know what? Maybe if I started transition, my life would be a whole lot easier. I could come out and have no one question me.
I'm ready to tell people I'm trans, gay, queer, whatever. I'm not ashamed anymore.
Elwood, no matter who you have as a therapist or counselor you also need to tell them how you feel about them and their approaches to things. Therapy is always a two-way street. Therapists don't somehow become immune to our own passions, experiences, thoughts, feelings and beliefs just because we are in one chair and a client is in another.
A session is
never about just one person's feelings and issues. Most clients, and a lot of therapists, tend to either be unaware of this or, in the case of the therapists, actively ignore this, preferring to set a scene of one who is knowledgeable and competent, not quite human ourselves. In my experience, neither clients nor therapists get to a core-relationship with one another when this approach is used.
Part of your therapy is to learn to directly approach your feelings and express them. A large part of the reason she's there is to "mirror" that sort of relationship with you in a "safe setting." When things like the above arise, you've truly got to inform her of your own feelings and perceptions of her. That may throw her the first time you do it; but it's a way of "taking charge of your own transition," your own life and should actually show her, if she is adept, that the approach she's using isn't working.
You want responsibility, hon, take it in this as well.
:icon_hug:
Nichole
P.S. "Firing" is all well and good, but we often do so, I think, as a way of running once more because we feel we are "not understood." The best way I think to be "understood" is to lay it out there. It shows you are responsibile and that you are no longer willing to "run" from things. Actions of patients always speak louder than their words. Trust it.
Nichole is right. At least tell your therapist how you feel about her before you move on. I used to wonder how my therapy sessions were helping me at all a while back, seeing as I didn't understand what my therapist was trying to get at with me so I came straight out and asked her one day and she very politely, very respectfully answered my questions and told me where she was trying to go with me. Communication has to be a two way street because who knows -- maybe you'll bring the issue up next time you see your therapist and she'll tell you the method behind her madness and it'll click for you.
I came out to my therapist this week and told her I'm a boy and I want to start my RLE and she agrees with me that I have to take things slow and really know if this is who I am and what I want and she took it all rather surprised but still rather well and open minded. Honestly she DID play devil's advocate and asked me how I knew I wasn't a butch lesbian rather than a guy, but she still heard me out.
I had some trust issues with her before this session and now that I see she took things the way she did and didn't try to force her beliefs on me I think she's earned more of my trust and I'm glad she's so open minded. We're probably going to keep talking about it for a while before we move any further, but the point is that I CAN talk to her about it and that she's NOT going to stop me from trying RLE but thinks it's far too soon to think about surgeries or T. I agree with her wholeheartedly and I'm glad she's going to work with me. So if in the end your therapist is adamant about working against you rather than with you, even after you've told her how you felt and told her you've been thinking about this for a year (which is WAY longer than I've been thinking about it) and she still refuses to let you do RLE then yes, it's time to find a new therapist. Besides, it IS your choice and she can't stop you from changing your clothes or your looks any more than a teacher could. She's not your mom and though she has been helpful, it's your call in the end, not hers.
I hate conflict. I'm afraid that if I tell her I think she isn't helping that I'm telling her she isn't doing her job. And I don't feel like she isn't doing her job. She's the wrong person for me, I believe. I want action. I need information. She won't give it to me, or can't. Rather than getting in her face about it, I'm probably just going to quietly switch to a therapist who specializes in gender issues.
The thing is that this is not therapy. It's counseling. If she was my therapist I'd confront her. But she's not. She isn't the person who helps me. She isn't the person who approves HRT or monitors RLE. She doesn't do any of that. In the big picture, she's useless to my situation.
I don't think I am necessarily "running away" from her. I know her attempts are futile, I know she does not have the certification to help me, so I see no reason in wasting more sessions with her... Doing that would only make things take even longer.
You connect with this therapist on some level, so maybe giving her a chance to get out of your way and be more help to you is a good play. It goes along with telling her how you feel, including that you feel you will need to get a new therapist if she doesn't take a new tact.
As far as getting an additional therapist, shopping around might not be a bad idea. I wonder how you would do with a male therapist? But therapists don't like to "split therapy," so you will probably have to do it in secret.
Doing what's best for you, perhaps you might give her the ultimatum and then meanwhile shop around in secret.
Added: We cross posted, so I will add that yeah, if this lady is not a GID counselor then you should ditch her and get real help.
Quote from: Elwood on July 19, 2008, 12:58:27 PM
I hate conflict. I'm afraid that if I tell her I think she isn't helping that I'm telling her she isn't doing her job. And I don't feel like she isn't doing her job. She's the wrong person for me, I believe. I want action. I need information. She won't give it to me, or can't. Rather than getting in her face about it, I'm probably just going to quietly switch to a therapist who specializes in gender issues.
The thing is that this is not therapy. It's counseling. If she was my therapist I'd confront her. But she's not. She isn't the person who helps me. She isn't the person who approves HRT or monitors RLE. She doesn't do any of that. In the big picture, she's useless to my situation.
I don't think I am necessarily "running away" from her. I know her attempts are futile, I know she does not have the certification to help me, so I see no reason in wasting more sessions with her... Doing that would only make things take even longer.
I'm gonna be brutally honest with you here, love, that just is not true, what's bolded. Lately on this Forum you've been all about conflict and the conflict is in you.
There, brutal honesty.
You don't want to face the conflict within yourself and I know exactly where you are because I've been there done that in exactly the same situation only embracing another sex than what you are embracing.
How much longer, Elwood? A week, two weeks. It's gonna take longer than that find and to get approval for another therapist. And the conflict I am proposing is simply talking about how you feel. Not yelling, not stamping around, just plainly, quietly and reasonably saying "When I heard what you just said it made me start crying inside. I feel like you are simply not hearing me. I feel like ..." blah, blah.
I'm sorry, imo that's not conflict, that is facing up to what's within you and exposing it to another. And from
my own experience with myself, THAT is the absolute toughest thing to do in transition. To avoid it and go to someone who is gonna co-sign my or your or her BS is to avoid what the real problem is.
Facing myself.
Of course you have to handle it your way. Your decision, entirely.
But as a group, I think we run as far and fast as possible from actually expressing ourselves. Sri Ramakrishna said 150 years ago: "In order to find water a person doesn't dig thirty wells two feet deep; they dig one well sixty feet deep." In doing so he encapsulated "Therapy."
Respectfully,
Nichole
Quote from: trapthavok on July 19, 2008, 12:41:21 PMNichole is right. At least tell your therapist how you feel about her before you move on. I used to wonder how my therapy sessions were helping me at all a while back, seeing as I didn't understand what my therapist was trying to get at with me so I came straight out and asked her one day and she very politely, very respectfully answered my questions and told me where she was trying to go with me. Communication has to be a two way street because who knows -- maybe you'll bring the issue up next time you see your therapist and she'll tell you the method behind her madness and it'll click for you.
I came out to my therapist this week and told her I'm a boy and I want to start my RLE and she agrees with me that I have to take things slow and really know if this is who I am and what I want and she took it all rather surprised but still rather well and open minded. Honestly she DID play devil's advocate and asked me how I knew I wasn't a butch lesbian rather than a guy, but she still heard me out.
I had some trust issues with her before this session and now that I see she took things the way she did and didn't try to force her beliefs on me I think she's earned more of my trust and I'm glad she's so open minded. We're probably going to keep talking about it for a while before we move any further, but the point is that I CAN talk to her about it and that she's NOT going to stop me from trying RLE but thinks it's far too soon to think about surgeries or T. I agree with her wholeheartedly and I'm glad she's going to work with me. So if in the end your therapist is adamant about working against you rather than with you, even after you've told her how you felt and told her you've been thinking about this for a year (which is WAY longer than I've been thinking about it) and she still refuses to let you do RLE then yes, it's time to find a new therapist. Besides, it IS your choice and she can't stop you from changing your clothes or your looks any more than a teacher could. She's not your mom and though she has been helpful, it's your call in the end, not hers.
You make a very good point. I'd agree if she was a therapist. But she's a counselor. It's a little different... She doesn't take the active role of a therapist. She does not provide therapy. I talk, she listens. But that's it. A therapist actually gives input. All this counselor does is tells me to "think about it." I've thought about this for a long time. I've had these feelings most of my life. It took me until I was 17 to really make the connections and to understand. It wasn't easy to think a boy could be a girl physically. It's something that seems like an oxymoron and took forever for me to come up with on my own. But it explained everything...
I wish my counselor was like your therapist. She says I'm not even ready to explore my gender role. That's nonsense. I'm not ready to find out who I really am? It's bologna, and it's pissing me off. I need to work with someone who is going to work with me... all she's done so far the past 2 months (and 2 visits, I only am able to see her once a month, what the HELL) is tell me that I am not ready for anything. To "slow down." But I'm not moving quickly. Not any more quickly than any other transsexual. I've been very patient but my patience wears thin when I feel like nothing is happening.
My dad wants me to work with someone I see once a week. But for some reason, I just can't have that. I'm outraged. I want to punch clear through a wall (but I won't, my dad painted these walls himself!). I'm sick of all of this. I am so mad about this that I don't know what to do with myself.
I am so glad things are going well for you, havok. I hope that sometime I can reach that point of understanding with my therapist. I want to work with someone who can talk about it. Who doesn't make me feel alienated or stupid for feeling this way. I want to talk to someone who really understands what's going on. This counselor gets it. She knows about body dysphoria, she knows about the transgendered condition. She knows what it's like and what it includes. But she doesn't empathize with me. She doesn't really let me express it. She tells me to slow down, that, "it's not the right time to talk about that." I hate that ->-bleeped-<-. And all the while, she's so gentle and sweet that I can't get mad until after I leave her office.
But yeah. My counselor said "you need to think about it more." I said, "Think about it more? I've had over a year to think about it more. Yeah, I didn't come out until half a year ago but I was transgendered before I told anybody." She didn't shake her head, nod, or anything. She just paused, typed on her computer and said that I need to worry more about my anxiety. Well, my anxiety is up through the roof because I'm a queer that is being oppressed by everybody except other queers!
UGH.
Thanks for your response. It really helped me organize my thoughts.
Posted on: July 19, 2008, 11:30:45 AM
I'd like a male therapist... I don't want a female therapist to feel like I'm leaving her club or betraying the sisterhood or something. Maybe a guy would better understand. This guy, who I know his name and everything, works with transgendered people and understands transgender anxiety. He's perfect for me, and I hope he has an opening.
That's good. I hope you get in to see this new guy too. Thing is, if she can't even write you letters, you're really wasting your time anyway even if she were more helpful.
You're of age. There's really no reason for you to be held back in anyway.
Quote from: Nichole on July 19, 2008, 01:21:00 PM
Quote from: Elwood on July 19, 2008, 12:58:27 PM
I hate conflict. I'm afraid that if I tell her I think she isn't helping that I'm telling her she isn't doing her job. And I don't feel like she isn't doing her job. She's the wrong person for me, I believe. I want action. I need information. She won't give it to me, or can't. Rather than getting in her face about it, I'm probably just going to quietly switch to a therapist who specializes in gender issues.
The thing is that this is not therapy. It's counseling. If she was my therapist I'd confront her. But she's not. She isn't the person who helps me. She isn't the person who approves HRT or monitors RLE. She doesn't do any of that. In the big picture, she's useless to my situation.
I don't think I am necessarily "running away" from her. I know her attempts are futile, I know she does not have the certification to help me, so I see no reason in wasting more sessions with her... Doing that would only make things take even longer.
I'm gonna be brutally honest with you here, love, that just is not true, what's bolded. Lately on this Forum you've been all about conflict and the conflict is in you.
There, brutal honesty.
You don't want to face the conflict within yourself and I know exactly where you are because I've been there done that in exactly the same situation only embracing another sex than what you are embracing.
How much longer, Elwood? A week, two weeks. It's gonna take longer than that find and to get approval for another therapist. And the conflict I am proposing is simply talking about how you feel. Not yelling, not stamping around, just plainly, quietly and reasonably saying "When I heard what you just said it made me start crying inside. I feel like you are simply not hearing me. I feel like ..." blah, blah.
I'm sorry, imo that's not conflict, that is facing up to what's within you and exposing it to another. And from my own experience with myself, THAT is the absolute toughest thing to do in transition. To avoid it and go to someone who is gonna co-sign my or your or her BS is to avoid what the real problem is. Facing myself.
Of course you have to handle it your way. Your decision, entirely.
But as a group, I think we run as far and fast as possible from actually expressing ourselves. Sri Ramakrishna said 150 years ago: "In order to find water a person doesn't dig thirty wells two feet deep; they dig one well sixty feet deep." In doing so he encapsulated "Therapy."
Respectfully,
Nichole
Maybe you don't understand. Internet conflict is nothing like brutal, in person conflict. In person, I am much more reserved and speak my mind a lot less.
I told my counselor how it made me feel. But she just said, "Aww, I understand sweety. It's going to be okay." ->-bleeped-<-. That sweety stuff certainly doesn't help. Treating me like a cute school girl crying on a park bench. It's not like that! I've been bottling up my anger for so long and when I am angry I sometimes cry.
I have no problem facing myself. I've accepted it. I do have a fear of expressing it to other people, fearing they won't believe me.
First, addressing anyone in a session as "sweetie" is, imo, inappropriate. Did you say anything about that? And yes, I know that internally you believe it, Elwood.
But the "fear" is the problem, doncha see? That's the part we all have to face.
Nichole
Quote from: Elwood on July 19, 2008, 01:47:55 PM
Maybe you don't understand. Internet conflict is nothing like brutal, in person conflict. In person, I am much more reserved and speak my mind a lot less.
Heh. Just wait until you get a little T in you. You'll prolly be the king of conflict! In any event, go eat some red meat or something. It's full of androgens and will fix you right up. If that's not enough, ynd you can buy "delicacy" foods like hog nuts and rocky mountian oysters. Yum!
Quote from: Elwood on July 19, 2008, 01:34:10 PM
Quote from: trapthavok on July 19, 2008, 12:41:21 PMNichole is right. At least tell your therapist how you feel about her before you move on. I used to wonder how my therapy sessions were helping me at all a while back, seeing as I didn't understand what my therapist was trying to get at with me so I came straight out and asked her one day and she very politely, very respectfully answered my questions and told me where she was trying to go with me. Communication has to be a two way street because who knows -- maybe you'll bring the issue up next time you see your therapist and she'll tell you the method behind her madness and it'll click for you.
I came out to my therapist this week and told her I'm a boy and I want to start my RLE and she agrees with me that I have to take things slow and really know if this is who I am and what I want and she took it all rather surprised but still rather well and open minded. Honestly she DID play devil's advocate and asked me how I knew I wasn't a butch lesbian rather than a guy, but she still heard me out.
I had some trust issues with her before this session and now that I see she took things the way she did and didn't try to force her beliefs on me I think she's earned more of my trust and I'm glad she's so open minded. We're probably going to keep talking about it for a while before we move any further, but the point is that I CAN talk to her about it and that she's NOT going to stop me from trying RLE but thinks it's far too soon to think about surgeries or T. I agree with her wholeheartedly and I'm glad she's going to work with me. So if in the end your therapist is adamant about working against you rather than with you, even after you've told her how you felt and told her you've been thinking about this for a year (which is WAY longer than I've been thinking about it) and she still refuses to let you do RLE then yes, it's time to find a new therapist. Besides, it IS your choice and she can't stop you from changing your clothes or your looks any more than a teacher could. She's not your mom and though she has been helpful, it's your call in the end, not hers.
You make a very good point. I'd agree if she was a therapist. But she's a counselor. It's a little different... She doesn't take the active role of a therapist. She does not provide therapy. I talk, she listens. But that's it. A therapist actually gives input. All this counselor does is tells me to "think about it." I've thought about this for a long time. I've had these feelings most of my life. It took me until I was 17 to really make the connections and to understand. It wasn't easy to think a boy could be a girl physically. It's something that seems like an oxymoron and took forever for me to come up with on my own. But it explained everything...
I wish my counselor was like your therapist. She says I'm not even ready to explore my gender role. That's nonsense. I'm not ready to find out who I really am? It's bologna, and it's pissing me off. I need to work with someone who is going to work with me... all she's done so far the past 2 months (and 2 visits, I only am able to see her once a month, what the HELL) is tell me that I am not ready for anything. To "slow down." But I'm not moving quickly. Not any more quickly than any other transsexual. I've been very patient but my patience wears thin when I feel like nothing is happening.
My dad wants me to work with someone I see once a week. But for some reason, I just can't have that. I'm outraged. I want to punch clear through a wall (but I won't, my dad painted these walls himself!). I'm sick of all of this. I am so mad about this that I don't know what to do with myself.
I am so glad things are going well for you, havok. I hope that sometime I can reach that point of understanding with my therapist. I want to work with someone who can talk about it. Who doesn't make me feel alienated or stupid for feeling this way. I want to talk to someone who really understands what's going on. This counselor gets it. She knows about body dysphoria, she knows about the transgendered condition. She knows what it's like and what it includes. But she doesn't empathize with me. She doesn't really let me express it. She tells me to slow down, that, "it's not the right time to talk about that." I hate that ->-bleeped-<-. And all the while, she's so gentle and sweet that I can't get mad until after I leave her office.
But yeah. My counselor said "you need to think about it more." I said, "Think about it more? I've had over a year to think about it more. Yeah, I didn't come out until half a year ago but I was transgendered before I told anybody." She didn't shake her head, nod, or anything. She just paused, typed on her computer and said that I need to worry more about my anxiety. Well, my anxiety is up through the roof because I'm a queer that is being oppressed by everybody except other queers!
UGH.
Thanks for your response. It really helped me organize my thoughts.
Posted on: July 19, 2008, 11:30:45 AM
I'd like a male therapist... I don't want a female therapist to feel like I'm leaving her club or betraying the sisterhood or something. Maybe a guy would better understand. This guy, who I know his name and everything, works with transgendered people and understands transgender anxiety. He's perfect for me, and I hope he has an opening.
Sorry about that bro, I misunderstood I guess. I'll try to correct my post a little bit now. I suppose that if she's a counselor, then she has a lot less say than my therapist. In a way, my therapist makes me "think about things" a lot so I can figure myself out, basically make me do most of the work but I can see that your counselor is still different. My therapist doesn't specialize in GID as far as I know since I started seeing her for depression before I figured myself out, which is why I was so surprised she took everything as well as she did.
Thing is, you need more help than seeing a counselor once a month. No offense intended by that statement, but had I seen my therapist once a month I would have still been the bitter, hostile person I used to be who didn't trust anyone (including her) and hated seeing her because all she used to do was "criticize me." In actuality she was helping me and I was just so resilient to change that I couldn't see that. I'm only telling you all this because point is, therapists help a helluva lot more than counselors do, because I'm a totally different person than I used to be back in october when I started seeing her and you need to see a therapist at least twice a month like I do for their work to have any effect in the long run. I agree that you need to dump your counselor and see a therapist, preferrably a therapist specializing in GID since you've already thought this through for a long time.
Point is though, that I still see where Nichole is coming from while I still sympathize with you Elwood. I think the point Nichole is trying to make is that yes, you should see a therapist BUT you shouldn't burn your bridges by not telling your counselor anything. I'm almost 21 so I'm not that much older than you and I understand how you feel about wasting your youth and feeling so frustrated and angry. I have a short fuse, and I'm very impatient myself. Barely a month into understanding myself and I already want to start RLE?
Quote from: Elwood on July 19, 2008, 01:47:55 PM
In person, I am much more reserved and speak my mind a lot less.
It's not like that! I've been bottling up my anger for so long and when I am angry I sometimes cry.
I have no problem facing myself. I've accepted it. I do have a fear of expressing it to other people, fearing they won't believe me.
I applaud that you've been patient for an entire year cause I don't think I would have lasted. I congratulate you on coming so far, and I feel like I understand where you're coming from but I'm not going to assume that I do simply because I can't pretend I know you. The only thing is, what Nichole is trying to say is that you need to at least thank your counselor (even if she hasn't really helped you) and be honest with her before you leave her. Learning not to let my anger destroy relationships with people, even people who never really helped me, was a hard lesson I have learned. I wasn't 18 too long ago so I used to get mad when people used to tell me I couldn't just cut people off and stop talking to them and that could include anyone from old friends to old doctors. You may not need your counselor in the future, which is the main reason most people try to be courteous when breaking off relationships (you never know who you might need ten years from now) but you still have to see things as an adult would. You're of legal age so it's time to reign in your frustrations and swallow your pride, be honest with her, thank her for your time then move on. I have a LOT of pride and I can bottle my anger up for a long time so it was hard for me to do this with people, to learn to thank them for what they haven't done for me and be honest with my feelings.
I get that you hate conflict, I do too. I come from a family who thrives on arguments and being pissed off at each other 24/7, and I hate telling them how I feel about them because I'd just rather not head down that road fearing that it would just start another conflict. But the thing is, what you're going through isn't like an argument with my family, it's a counselor. It's not necessarily conflict, you're just telling her how you feel. I very much doubt that she's going to retaliate the same way my family does, saying things she doesn't really mean just to hurt you. You've got nothing to lose, but at the same time, telling people how you feel is hard. At least it is for me.
I don't know if all of this has made sense to you, but I want to help so I'm going to keep checking back here now and then. If I need to make my point a little clearer, just let me know.
Quote from: glendagladwitch on July 19, 2008, 02:52:15 PM
Quote from: Elwood on July 19, 2008, 01:47:55 PM
Maybe you don't understand. Internet conflict is nothing like brutal, in person conflict. In person, I am much more reserved and speak my mind a lot less.
Heh. Just wait until you get a little T in you. You'll prolly be the king of conflict! In any event, go eat some red meat or something. It's full of androgens and will fix you right up. If that's not enough, ynd you can buy "delicacy" foods like hog nuts and rocky mountian oysters. Yum!
Haha. Well, maybe. T doesn't make people more brave. It sometimes makes them more aggressive. But I know a guy who really calmed down after he started taking T.
Posted on: July 19, 2008, 01:43:30 PM
Quote from: trapthavok on July 19, 2008, 02:52:20 PM
Quote from: Elwood on July 19, 2008, 01:34:10 PM
Quote from: trapthavok on July 19, 2008, 12:41:21 PMNichole is right. At least tell your therapist how you feel about her before you move on. I used to wonder how my therapy sessions were helping me at all a while back, seeing as I didn't understand what my therapist was trying to get at with me so I came straight out and asked her one day and she very politely, very respectfully answered my questions and told me where she was trying to go with me. Communication has to be a two way street because who knows -- maybe you'll bring the issue up next time you see your therapist and she'll tell you the method behind her madness and it'll click for you.
I came out to my therapist this week and told her I'm a boy and I want to start my RLE and she agrees with me that I have to take things slow and really know if this is who I am and what I want and she took it all rather surprised but still rather well and open minded. Honestly she DID play devil's advocate and asked me how I knew I wasn't a butch lesbian rather than a guy, but she still heard me out.
I had some trust issues with her before this session and now that I see she took things the way she did and didn't try to force her beliefs on me I think she's earned more of my trust and I'm glad she's so open minded. We're probably going to keep talking about it for a while before we move any further, but the point is that I CAN talk to her about it and that she's NOT going to stop me from trying RLE but thinks it's far too soon to think about surgeries or T. I agree with her wholeheartedly and I'm glad she's going to work with me. So if in the end your therapist is adamant about working against you rather than with you, even after you've told her how you felt and told her you've been thinking about this for a year (which is WAY longer than I've been thinking about it) and she still refuses to let you do RLE then yes, it's time to find a new therapist. Besides, it IS your choice and she can't stop you from changing your clothes or your looks any more than a teacher could. She's not your mom and though she has been helpful, it's your call in the end, not hers.
You make a very good point. I'd agree if she was a therapist. But she's a counselor. It's a little different... She doesn't take the active role of a therapist. She does not provide therapy. I talk, she listens. But that's it. A therapist actually gives input. All this counselor does is tells me to "think about it." I've thought about this for a long time. I've had these feelings most of my life. It took me until I was 17 to really make the connections and to understand. It wasn't easy to think a boy could be a girl physically. It's something that seems like an oxymoron and took forever for me to come up with on my own. But it explained everything...
I wish my counselor was like your therapist. She says I'm not even ready to explore my gender role. That's nonsense. I'm not ready to find out who I really am? It's bologna, and it's pissing me off. I need to work with someone who is going to work with me... all she's done so far the past 2 months (and 2 visits, I only am able to see her once a month, what the HELL) is tell me that I am not ready for anything. To "slow down." But I'm not moving quickly. Not any more quickly than any other transsexual. I've been very patient but my patience wears thin when I feel like nothing is happening.
My dad wants me to work with someone I see once a week. But for some reason, I just can't have that. I'm outraged. I want to punch clear through a wall (but I won't, my dad painted these walls himself!). I'm sick of all of this. I am so mad about this that I don't know what to do with myself.
I am so glad things are going well for you, havok. I hope that sometime I can reach that point of understanding with my therapist. I want to work with someone who can talk about it. Who doesn't make me feel alienated or stupid for feeling this way. I want to talk to someone who really understands what's going on. This counselor gets it. She knows about body dysphoria, she knows about the transgendered condition. She knows what it's like and what it includes. But she doesn't empathize with me. She doesn't really let me express it. She tells me to slow down, that, "it's not the right time to talk about that." I hate that ->-bleeped-<-. And all the while, she's so gentle and sweet that I can't get mad until after I leave her office.
But yeah. My counselor said "you need to think about it more." I said, "Think about it more? I've had over a year to think about it more. Yeah, I didn't come out until half a year ago but I was transgendered before I told anybody." She didn't shake her head, nod, or anything. She just paused, typed on her computer and said that I need to worry more about my anxiety. Well, my anxiety is up through the roof because I'm a queer that is being oppressed by everybody except other queers!
UGH.
Thanks for your response. It really helped me organize my thoughts.
Posted on: July 19, 2008, 11:30:45 AM
I'd like a male therapist... I don't want a female therapist to feel like I'm leaving her club or betraying the sisterhood or something. Maybe a guy would better understand. This guy, who I know his name and everything, works with transgendered people and understands transgender anxiety. He's perfect for me, and I hope he has an opening.
Sorry about that bro, I misunderstood I guess. I'll try to correct my post a little bit now. I suppose that if she's a counselor, then she has a lot less say than my therapist. In a way, my therapist makes me "think about things" a lot so I can figure myself out, basically make me do most of the work but I can see that your counselor is still different. My therapist doesn't specialize in GID as far as I know since I started seeing her for depression before I figured myself out, which is why I was so surprised she took everything as well as she did.
Thing is, you need more help than seeing a counselor once a month. No offense intended by that statement, but had I seen my therapist once a month I would have still been the bitter, hostile person I used to be who didn't trust anyone (including her) and hated seeing her because all she used to do was "criticize me." In actuality she was helping me and I was just so resilient to change that I couldn't see that. I'm only telling you all this because point is, therapists help a helluva lot more than counselors do, because I'm a totally different person than I used to be back in october when I started seeing her and you need to see a therapist at least twice a month like I do for their work to have any effect in the long run. I agree that you need to dump your counselor and see a therapist, preferrably a therapist specializing in GID since you've already thought this through for a long time.
Point is though, that I still see where Nichole is coming from while I still sympathize with you Elwood. I think the point Nichole is trying to make is that yes, you should see a therapist BUT you shouldn't burn your bridges by not telling your counselor anything. I'm almost 21 so I'm not that much older than you and I understand how you feel about wasting your youth and feeling so frustrated and angry. I have a short fuse, and I'm very impatient myself. Barely a month into understanding myself and I already want to start RLE?
Not to worry. I wasn't explaining enough.
Yeah. I do need more help. Once a month isn't going to work. I'm a bit of a mess and I need more guidance. People can see that about me but for some reason Kaiser doesn't (yes, I'm starting with Kaiser until they can't help me anymore... they can get me as far as hormones, I think).
Twice a month does seem like a healthy number. My dad says I should call Kaiser Monday morning and explain my concerns and tell them about the therapist I want to work with. It will be a lot better from then forward. I'd call today but they're only open on business days.
I'm glad I met you, because we seem to have quite a bit in common. You're right, burning that bridge could be interpreted as me running away. I will tell her eventually, but I don't want to spend the $50 copay to tell her I'm leaving. I'd rather call her or send her a fax.
Quote from: trapthavok on July 19, 2008, 02:52:20 PMQuote from: Elwood on July 19, 2008, 01:47:55 PM
In person, I am much more reserved and speak my mind a lot less.
It's not like that! I've been bottling up my anger for so long and when I am angry I sometimes cry.
I have no problem facing myself. I've accepted it. I do have a fear of expressing it to other people, fearing they won't believe me.
I applaud that you've been patient for an entire year cause I don't think I would have lasted. I congratulate you on coming so far, and I feel like I understand where you're coming from but I'm not going to assume that I do simply because I can't pretend I know you. The only thing is, what Nichole is trying to say is that you need to at least thank your counselor (even if she hasn't really helped you) and be honest with her before you leave her. Learning not to let my anger destroy relationships with people, even people who never really helped me, was a hard lesson I have learned. I wasn't 18 too long ago so I used to get mad when people used to tell me I couldn't just cut people off and stop talking to them and that could include anyone from old friends to old doctors. You may not need your counselor in the future, which is the main reason most people try to be courteous when breaking off relationships (you never know who you might need ten years from now) but you still have to see things as an adult would. You're of legal age so it's time to reign in your frustrations and swallow your pride, be honest with her, thank her for your time then move on. I have a LOT of pride and I can bottle my anger up for a long time so it was hard for me to do this with people, to learn to thank them for what they haven't done for me and be honest with my feelings.
I get that you hate conflict, I do too. I come from a family who thrives on arguments and being pissed off at each other 24/7, and I hate telling them how I feel about them because I'd just rather not head down that road fearing that it would just start another conflict. But the thing is, what you're going through isn't like an argument with my family, it's a counselor. It's not necessarily conflict, you're just telling her how you feel. I very much doubt that she's going to retaliate the same way my family does, saying things she doesn't really mean just to hurt you. You've got nothing to lose, but at the same time, telling people how you feel is hard. At least it is for me.
I don't know if all of this has made sense to you, but I want to help so I'm going to keep checking back here now and then. If I need to make my point a little clearer, just let me know.
You're right, and I will be sure to thank her for her contribution. I'm just not sure if it's worth the $50. I have to pay $50 every visit because my insurance doesn't cover as much of it as it used to. Copay used to be only $15.
Wow, we have a lot more in common than I thought. I have two families, because my parents divorced. My mom's side is full of a lot of anger and upset. It's full of a lot of love, too. That contrast makes my stress really high, and life really confusing. But I know what it's like to have a lot of screaming and rage in the household...
You've really helped a lot. Everyone who's posted has given some very useful feedback. Thanks everyone.
Quote from: Elwood on July 19, 2008, 01:34:10 PM
You're right, and I will be sure to thank her for her contribution. I'm just not sure if it's worth the $50. I have to pay $50 every visit because my insurance doesn't cover as much of it as it used to. Copay used to be only $15.
Wow 50 bucks a month to see this chick, that's a waste. Yeah I used to see my therapist once a week til my insurance visits ran out. I only paid $30 copay to see her once a week, but now I pay $60 copay per visit, so I only see her twice a month to balance it out.
Quote from: Elwood on July 19, 2008, 01:34:10 PM
Wow, we have a lot more in common than I thought. I have two families, because my parents divorced. My mom's side is full of a lot of anger and upset. It's full of a lot of love, too. That contrast makes my stress really high, and life really confusing. But I know what it's like to have a lot of screaming and rage in the household...
You've really helped a lot. Everyone who's posted has given some very useful feedback. Thanks everyone.
Yeah. My parents are still together, and at times it seems like everything is awesome. I feel like I could even tell them about me being a boy. My mom would take it well, she's all for GLBT rights, though my dad might bust a vein and keep his feelings about me being an abomination trapped inside and let it fester for years. When he doesn't like something, he's clear on not changing his mind about it. My mom on the other hand is very open minded. Sometimes I'm glad she's cool.
There's never any real screaming in my house because we all just pretend to get along. It's almost like the unwritten rule of the house is to talk about how everyone else in our extended family has problems, but not address our own issues because addressing ours is like opening a can of worms. I remember the last time I tried to share my feelings with my mom about our family issues, and she about freaked out and started hitting below the belt. I hate when she cries and partially screams, and everything she says though she may not know it makes me feel guilty inside, makes me feel like I'm a bad person. Though we don't argue and scream like your family, walking on glass is painful, as is the jabs below the belt when things get heated. That's why I avoid conflict. That's why we pretend to get along.
My dad never screams but his words hurt. Haha I sound like a wuss right now, but I feel like part of the reason I started seeing a therapist was because I take all the negative energy from my family and ball it up inside of me, lowering my self esteem until it was nonexistant. Overall they're not a bad family, I love them to death, like I'm glad my sister's my best friend and I'm glad my mom is cool, and I want to be like my dad...but everyone's family has problems :P
Anyway I'm getting off topic. I'm glad I could help.
Quote from: trapthavok on July 19, 2008, 07:39:26 PMQuote from: Elwood on July 19, 2008, 01:34:10 PMYou're right, and I will be sure to thank her for her contribution. I'm just not sure if it's worth the $50. I have to pay $50 every visit because my insurance doesn't cover as much of it as it used to. Copay used to be only $15.
Wow 50 bucks a month to see this chick, that's a waste. Yeah I used to see my therapist once a week til my insurance visits ran out. I only paid $30 copay to see her once a week, but now I pay $60 copay per visit, so I only see her twice a month to balance it out.
Exactly. $50 not to be helped. That's ridiculous. And I feel really guilty because my dad pays the copay. I don't like putting that on his shoulders-- especially if it isn't working.
Quote from: trapthavok on July 19, 2008, 07:39:26 PMQuote from: Elwood on July 19, 2008, 01:34:10 PMWow, we have a lot more in common than I thought. I have two families, because my parents divorced. My mom's side is full of a lot of anger and upset. It's full of a lot of love, too. That contrast makes my stress really high, and life really confusing. But I know what it's like to have a lot of screaming and rage in the household...
You've really helped a lot. Everyone who's posted has given some very useful feedback. Thanks everyone.
Yeah. My parents are still together, and at times it seems like everything is awesome. I feel like I could even tell them about me being a boy. My mom would take it well, she's all for GLBT rights, though my dad might bust a vein and keep his feelings about me being an abomination trapped inside and let it fester for years. When he doesn't like something, he's clear on not changing his mind about it. My mom on the other hand is very open minded. Sometimes I'm glad she's cool.
There's never any real screaming in my house because we all just pretend to get along. It's almost like the unwritten rule of the house is to talk about how everyone else in our extended family has problems, but not address our own issues because addressing ours is like opening a can of worms. I remember the last time I tried to share my feelings with my mom cause I wanted to be close to her and dad like I used to be when I was a kid, and she about freaked out and started hitting below the belt. I hate when she cries and partially screams, and everything she says though she may not know it makes me feel guilty inside, makes me feel like I'm a bad person. Though we don't argue and scream like your family, walking on glass is painful, as is the jabs below the belt when things get heated. That's why I avoid conflict. That's why we pretend to get along.
My dad never screams but his words hurt. Haha I sound like a wuss right now, but I feel like part of the reason I started seeing a therapist was because I take all the negative energy from my family and ball it up inside of me, lowering my self esteem until it was nonexistant.
Anyway I'm getting off topic. I'm glad I could help.
My mom took it the worst. I thought she'd be supportive because she was a lesbian when she was younger, then went bi. I thought she'd understand, because she hung out with LGBT people in San Fransisco. But she truly has a prejudice against transpeople, and she especially doesn't want me to be one of them... My dad's taking it a lot better.
Ouch. That sucks. The subtle, under the table kind of anger. It's like my friend Laura. Her parents pretend they're fine, but they snap at each other quietly, and no one says something when they're discontent. Everyone festers in bottling up their feelings...
Posted on: July 19, 2008, 05:45:18 PM
PS: I love how our hats match, haha.