Heya, so I finally get to see a Psychiatrist this coming Wednesday, I still have another one or two sessions with my counsellor to go as well... but I should be starting on T around mid-August! *is very excited*
Yayayayayayy!!!!!
On another note, had my first random stranger ask "Are you a boy or a girl?" heh :)
I was sitting at the bus stop when this group walked past me and this one lady stopped to talk. That was the first thing she said, so I replied "Uh actually, I'm transgender." and she was all "Really?" like, she thought I was joking at first lol. Then the bloody woman actually sat down next to me to talk, which gave me a foreboding kind of feeling... that was quickly explained when the conversation turned to GOD.
*shudders*
But I felt like being nice to her since I often don't get mistaken for a guy (even a little) SO I humoured her and just politely answered her questions that I didn't believe in God, blah blah blah, Science is WIN, blah blah, no God is more plausible to me than a divine creator etc. She had the gall to say the bible is actually very scientific and I was thinking "You're full of sh*t."
But then my bus came and I got away! Woot!
People don't ask me that...but I always present myself as male.
i don't tell most people that I'm trans unless I feel I have to or I should like when it comes to a relationship...
I might one day also... I just think that not many people would have heard someone say they're 'Transgender' in answer to that question so I figure to give em a face to that *condition*
Plus, transgender is a part of who I am and not something I wish to deny, hence my 'FtM FtW' t-shirt.
Um. What's God got to do with being Trans? :D
Anyway, congrats, I only get spoken to due to my roots needing a dye. :D
Congratulation on all the steps you are taking. I went through a time like that. It is fun to change expectations. People just want a mental box to put you in and I don't like the box. It never fits me right. My favorite is when they ask if the can pray for me. My response lately has been sure pray to whoever you like, I like to hedge my bets. Right now I am looking for a penis, some land, a nice person and the occasional new toy.
->-bleeped-<-boy
When someone asks if I'm a boy or a girl, I tend to laugh. They ask why I'm laughing and it's often hard to explain. I can easily say I'm trans up here because this community is exposed to a lot of LGBT people (I'm just North of San Fransisco). But I often won't. I'll often just say I'm a guy to a stranger, and I pass well enough that they don't say, "REALLY?" They just go, "Oh." And sometimes they'll say they're sorry for asking.
When I'm in a suit, I guess I'm pretty hot, because everyone knows I'm a guy. LOL.
As for religious stuff, I'm in the same boat as you. Conservatives REALLY hate me because I'm trans, queer, AND I'm an atheist. I'm not ANTI-God, I just don't really feel that a God is there.
Interesting, I just really don't care if there is or isn't a god. I don't enjoy religion in bad forms and I could care less about it in good forms.
->-bleeped-<-boy
So, I saw a Psychiatrist yesterday. He pretty much said I was quite sane, competent and well adjusted and that I didn't need to have any more counselling and that my next step was to see an Endo.
I'm travelling to my family's place later today and staying till Sunday. I'll be having a good proper official discussion with them about my transition as I haven't really had one in person yet.
Wish me luck!
Good luck mate and if I don't post more I am off for the weekend. Bye.
->-bleeped-<-boy
Quote from: Jasonk16 on July 19, 2008, 02:09:46 AM
People don't ask me that...but I always present myself as male.
i don't tell most people that I'm trans unless I feel I have to or I should like when it comes to a relationship...
That is exactly how I feel.
Well... my parents suck. They say they need more time. They keep on thinking I'm the same person I was from before I left home. Its been 2 and 1/2 years since then... They don't even want to hear about anything, even if it's just 'information' about Transgender ("Stop shoving this in our faces...") The impression I keep on getting from them is that they think it'll go away if they just ignore it >_>
They make me feel like they won't love me unconditionally... I've always been the good kid, you know? I feel really upset every time I think that I might not always have them at my back.
->-bleeped-<-, I've cried like 4 times in the last ten years and now it's happened again. I HATE feeling like that, I'm not an emotional person at all.
Sorry about your parents.
And I totally understand the emotional thing. I never was very emotional, but certain things make me very uncomfortable and insecure (usually conflict or confrontation with other people who think they are superior) and I haven't felt that way AT ALL since I discovered really WHO I AM, but twice now I've felt that helpless, insecure, down feeling and it TOTALLY SUCKS. It's so out of character now that when it surfaces I'm shocked by it, but still can't totally control it.
Hang in there.
Jay
I GOT MY T PRESCRIPTION!! *dances with joy* I get my first shot in a weeks time, I can't WAIT!! My Dr. said I'll be on a lower dosage the first month as well as being taught how to inject myself. The testosterone I'll be using is 'Sustanon'.
I'm so going to have myself a T-Party as a celebration XD
Quote from: kestin on August 14, 2008, 02:35:30 AM
I GOT MY T PRESCRIPTION!! *dances with joy* I get my first shot in a weeks time, I can't WAIT!! My Dr. said I'll be on a lower dosage the first month as well as being taught how to inject myself. The testosterone I'll be using is 'Sustanon'.
I'm so going to have myself a T-Party as a celebration XD
Congrats matey! I use Sustanon! Its brilliant stuff!
we can't get that stuff in the US :(
congrats on the T!
So I got my first T injection the other morning and my next one is in about three weeks. From then I should be on the regular, full-dose.
OMG it didn't hurt at ALL! I barely felt the injection, I didn't even notice it even though it bled a little. There's a small bruise but it hardly hurts, and only does so if I push on it :)
Did anyone else get many or feel any changes the first month on T whilst on the smaller dose? Any changes I feel at the moment I'm chalking up to my imagination... at the mo its just been a slight increase in appetite and possibly an increase in libido.
But the libido thing is weird, its not that I feel hornier or something, its just... the nature of it has changed. Generally when I feel the urge, its mostly mental. But now it feels more physical, like an ache.
My bus-ride home the other day was slightly uncomfortable >_<
How did you make all of this happen so fast? Who is your provider? Are you in America?
I think Kaiser must be unusually slow for things to take this long for me. :/ Did I start therapy before you? I started March.
Quote from: Elwood on August 23, 2008, 06:35:21 PM
How did you make all of this happen so fast? Who is your provider? Are you in America?
I think Kaiser must be unusually slow for things to take this long for me. :/ Did I start therapy before you? I started March.
LOL Elwood. I feel like all those questions would be a BAD thing right now to have answers to, I feel like it would just bum you out to know that someone's moving at a faster pace than you if indeed Kestin is, especially when there's nothing you can do about that really.
Take a deep breath bro, we're all at different points in our lives and it doesn't do you any good to compare yourself to anyone else, it'll just bum you out more. ALL of you guys are way ahead of me so hearing all these updates are great sometimes but then it also reminds me that I'm not moving. I remember you being bummed out about not moving to your liking more than once in the past, so just breathe dude!
Kestin -- I've been reading an FTM story lately, don't know if you heard of Max Wolf Valerio. He mentions increase in sex drive a lot in his story, first from being almost like a horny teenager it was so bad, to lingering thoughts of sex after those first initial "teen stages" on T. So yeah, I guess maybe it increases the libido? Wouldn't know from experience. I really hope it doesn't though because I get PLENTY enough urges as it is with
out the help of T.
Quote from: trapthavok on August 23, 2008, 07:26:55 PMQuote from: Elwood on August 23, 2008, 06:35:21 PMHow did you make all of this happen so fast? Who is your provider? Are you in America?
I think Kaiser must be unusually slow for things to take this long for me. :/ Did I start therapy before you? I started March.
LOL Elwood. I feel like all those questions would be a BAD thing right now to have answers to, I feel like it would just bum you out to know that someone's moving at a faster pace than you if indeed Kestin is, especially when there's nothing you can do about that really.
Take a deep breath bro, we're all at different points in our lives and it doesn't do you any good to compare yourself to anyone else, it'll just bum you out more. ALL of you guys are way ahead of me so hearing all these updates are great sometimes but then it also reminds me that I'm not moving. I remember you being bummed out about not moving to your liking more than once in the past, so just breathe dude!
Kestin -- I've been reading an FTM story lately, don't know if you heard of Max Wolf Valerio. He mentions increase in sex drive a lot in his story, first from being almost like a horny teenager it was so bad, to lingering thoughts of sex after those first initial "teen stages" on T. So yeah, I guess maybe it increases the libido? Wouldn't know from experience. I really hope it doesn't though because I get PLENTY enough urges as it is without the help of T.
I guess you're right. It would hurt my self esteem pretty badly. "IS HE MORE OF A MAN THAN ME? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? -HANGS SELF-"
The only reason I'm comparing medical care is because I want to know if I'm doing something wrong or if I could be doing something better... And yeah, I'm really bummed that all the guys around me seem to be getting T.
As for increase in sex drive, if mine goes up much more, I don't know what I'll do. This morning, I swear to you, I couldn't get out of bed because I was so horny.
Quote from: trapthavok on August 23, 2008, 07:26:55 PM
Kestin -- I've been reading an FTM story lately, don't know if you heard of Max Wolf Valerio. He mentions increase in sex drive a lot in his story, first from being almost like a horny teenager it was so bad, to lingering thoughts of sex after those first initial "teen stages" on T. So yeah, I guess maybe it increases the libido? Wouldn't know from experience. I really hope it doesn't though because I get PLENTY enough urges as it is without the help of T.
Quote from: Elwood on August 23, 2008, 07:47:56 PM
As for increase in sex drive, if mine goes up much more, I don't know what I'll do. This morning, I swear to you, I couldn't get out of bed because I was so horny.
I'm the same way. Makes me think it can't all be about the hormones.
Quote from: Nero on August 23, 2008, 07:57:54 PM
Quote from: trapthavok on August 23, 2008, 07:26:55 PM
Kestin -- I've been reading an FTM story lately, don't know if you heard of Max Wolf Valerio. He mentions increase in sex drive a lot in his story, first from being almost like a horny teenager it was so bad, to lingering thoughts of sex after those first initial "teen stages" on T. So yeah, I guess maybe it increases the libido? Wouldn't know from experience. I really hope it doesn't though because I get PLENTY enough urges as it is without the help of T.
Quote from: Elwood on August 23, 2008, 07:47:56 PM
As for increase in sex drive, if mine goes up much more, I don't know what I'll do. This morning, I swear to you, I couldn't get out of bed because I was so horny.
I'm the same way. Makes me think it can't all be about the hormones.
Yeah. I actually hope my libido doesn't increase; at least not by much. I can't masturbate, really, without triggering dysphoric feelings. So I can't release when I'm horny. I just builds and builds and builds and I have to bottle it up. The closest thing I get to pleasure is peeing.
Do I mind thoughts about sex? No. But I'd appreciate it if I didn't have all of these builds up in my clitoris. It feels like I'm building up to a climax or something and I'm not even doing anything. Maybe I have female orgasmic disorder? Hopefully T will make it go away...
Edit: Nope, don't have it. "Except for another sexual dysfunction." I do not qualify for the disorder, it's got to be something else. Like the fact that I can't masturbate. Maybe it just adds up over time...
I'm kind of the same way. I'm hoping that it normalizes the urges because I seem to get the physical ache already and I'm not on T yet... :-\
Everyone reacts differently to T, right? Maybe our libidos will normalize out and become more consistent once we're on T. Though I remember in one thread I made, I had expressed concern for that and I think someone said that the doctor could adjust the doses.
I guess we wont know until we're actually on T.
Quote from: Elwood on August 23, 2008, 07:47:56 PM
I guess you're right. It would hurt my self esteem pretty badly. "IS HE MORE OF A MAN THAN ME? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? -HANGS SELF-"
The only reason I'm comparing medical care is because I want to know if I'm doing something wrong or if I could be doing something better... And yeah, I'm really bummed that all the guys around me seem to be getting T.
It's alright I guess if you're asking to compare medical care as long as you really don't get hung up about it emotionally. Being ahead of you in transition doesn't make him any more of a man than you :) Always remember that. I will not see you as less of a man just because you're not on T yet and neither will the rest of the guys.
Quote from: Elwood on August 23, 2008, 08:24:34 PM
Yeah. I actually hope my libido doesn't increase; at least not by much. I can't masturbate, really, without triggering dysphoric feelings. So I can't release when I'm horny. I just builds and builds and builds and I have to bottle it up.
Do I mind thoughts about sex? No.
ARGH maybe THAT'S what it is. I can't (and won't) masturbate (because of my body...its disgusting....) and so I don't have anyway to release all these thoughts and physical urges. It's so FRUSTRATING. Despite the fact that I feel like penises are gross and everything... I would probably feel SO much more comfortable releasing the sexual frustration by masturbating as a man. I think I'd be very comfortable with the idea. And then I remember I don't have one :(
Quote from: trapthavok on August 23, 2008, 08:56:35 PMQuote from: Elwood on August 23, 2008, 07:47:56 PMI guess you're right. It would hurt my self esteem pretty badly. "IS HE MORE OF A MAN THAN ME? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? -HANGS SELF-"
The only reason I'm comparing medical care is because I want to know if I'm doing something wrong or if I could be doing something better... And yeah, I'm really bummed that all the guys around me seem to be getting T.
It's alright I guess if you're asking to compare medical care as long as you really don't get hung up about it emotionally. Being ahead of you in transition doesn't make him any more of a man than you :) Always remember that. I will not see you as less of a man just because you're not on T yet and neither will the rest of the guys.
Thanks, Nate. I really appreciate your support. It helps a lot, you know.
Quote from: trapthavok on August 23, 2008, 08:56:35 PMQuote from: Elwood on August 23, 2008, 08:24:34 PMYeah. I actually hope my libido doesn't increase; at least not by much. I can't masturbate, really, without triggering dysphoric feelings. So I can't release when I'm horny. I just builds and builds and builds and I have to bottle it up.
Do I mind thoughts about sex? No.
ARGH maybe THAT'S what it is. I can't (and won't) masturbate (because of my body...its disgusting....) and so I don't have anyway to release all these thoughts and physical urges. It's so FRUSTRATING. Despite the fact that I feel like penises are gross and everything... I would probably feel SO much more comfortable releasing the sexual frustration by masturbating as a man. I think I'd be very comfortable with the idea. And then I remember I don't have one :(
Yeah, it's one of my theories. I don't think my body is gross, I just find it hard to get off like a girl does. I did try experimenting with my pack, but as everyone knows, it's just a sock, lol. I'm thinking of buying a quality packer or even a strap on to see how that works for masturbation. It won't be real stimulation, but it might be psychologically pleasurable and help me release some.
Quote from: Elwood on August 23, 2008, 09:07:28 PM
Yeah, it's one of my theories. I don't think my body is gross, I just find it hard to get off like a girl does. I did try experimenting with my pack, but as everyone knows, it's just a sock, lol. I'm thinking of buying a quality packer or even a strap on to see how that works for masturbation. It won't be real stimulation, but it might be psychologically pleasurable and help me release some.
HAHAHAHA Thank you SO much for that, Elwood, I needed it. I've never heard of someone trying to get it off on a sock. I think yeah you should maybe try a strap on, it might actually help. I'd get a strap on myself except I've already spent so much on the packer...I don't have any money left for a strap on. Don't know if I'll be able to get it off on the STP though, it'll just be really weird for me....Like I'll know it's not real and I'll feel really weirded out....
And you're very welcome by the way. The way I'm feeling right now, every thank you counts so thank you so much, it's great to feel appreciated.
BLARGH!!! i know what you guys mean. >_< i hate touching it. >_> its like ew.... i dont mind them, i just hate mine. i do know something that kindof worked once, but i will definitely get in trouble if i post it here. if you want to know so that you can try it, PM me.
Quote from: trapthavok on August 23, 2008, 09:15:41 PM
Quote from: Elwood on August 23, 2008, 09:07:28 PM
Yeah, it's one of my theories. I don't think my body is gross, I just find it hard to get off like a girl does. I did try experimenting with my pack, but as everyone knows, it's just a sock, lol. I'm thinking of buying a quality packer or even a strap on to see how that works for masturbation. It won't be real stimulation, but it might be psychologically pleasurable and help me release some.
HAHAHAHA Thank you SO much for that, Elwood, I needed it. I've never heard of someone trying to get it off on a sock. I think yeah you should maybe try a strap on, it might actually help. I'd get a strap on myself except I've already spent so much on the packer...I don't have any money left for a strap on. Don't know if I'll be able to get it off on the STP though, it'll just be really weird for me....Like I'll know it's not real and I'll feel really weirded out....
And you're very welcome by the way. The way I'm feeling right now, every thank you counts so thank you so much, it's great to feel appreciated.
Haha. Well, once you get desperate, you'll try anything. D: Including getting frisky with a sock.
What kind of packer did you get? Where from? How much?
I'm thinking of getting the cheapest one that has a somewhat realistic feel. It doesn't have to look good because no one's gonna see it. I'll probably have a separate STP device.
Quote from: Chet on August 23, 2008, 09:56:12 PMBLARGH!!! i know what you guys mean. >_< i hate touching it. >_> its like ew.... i dont mind them, i just hate mine. i do know something that kindof worked once, but i will definitely get in trouble if i post it here. if you want to know so that you can try it, PM me.
What, stuck something in your pooper? :-X Heheh. I couldn't. The hygiene involved with that... I don't even know how guys get clean enough to make that work without getting sh*t everywhere.
Sorry, that might be TMI.
Quote from: Elwood on August 23, 2008, 10:21:24 PM
What kind of packer did you get? Where from? How much?
I'm thinking of getting the cheapest one that has a somewhat realistic feel. It doesn't have to look good because no one's gonna see it. I'll probably have a separate STP device.
Ah I got the 2 in 1 STP packer from DJs PPP. I really wanted an STP but I really wanted a packer too. I don't trust my competency in putting one together the way I want it (which is basically the way DJ has it set up) so I bought it from him. I paid $90 just so I wouldn't have to whip out a white dick everywhere I go :( :D XD hahaha could you imagine. But yeah, it was hard to find one my skin tone that was also an STP, DJs made me one special order. You could probably get yours a lot cheaper, especially if you're going to get the STP/Packer separate.
Quote from: Elwood on August 23, 2008, 10:21:24 PMQuote from: Chet on August 23, 2008, 09:56:12 PMBLARGH!!! i know what you guys mean. >_< i hate touching it. >_> its like ew.... i dont mind them, i just hate mine. i do know something that kindof worked once, but i will definitely get in trouble if i post it here. if you want to know so that you can try it, PM me.
What, stuck something in your pooper? :-X Heheh. I couldn't. The hygiene involved with that... I don't even know how guys get clean enough to make that work without getting sh*t everywhere.
Sorry, that might be TMI.
LOL no, not TMI at all. I
am intrigued however, Chet.
Quote from: trapthavok on August 23, 2008, 10:34:39 PMQuote from: Elwood on August 23, 2008, 10:21:24 PMWhat kind of packer did you get? Where from? How much?
I'm thinking of getting the cheapest one that has a somewhat realistic feel. It doesn't have to look good because no one's gonna see it. I'll probably have a separate STP device.
Ah I got the 2 in 1 STP packer from DJs PPP. I really wanted an STP but I really wanted a packer too. I don't trust my competency in putting one together the way I want it (which is basically the way DJ has it set up) so I bought it from him. I paid $90 just so I wouldn't have to whip out a white dick everywhere I go :( :D XD hahaha could you imagine. But yeah, it was hard to find one my skin tone that was also an STP, DJs made me one special order. You could probably get yours a lot cheaper, especially if you're going to get the STP/Packer separate.
Ah, everyone likes something different. I prefer two separate units because I'm a little... how would you say... it just grosses me out a little for my packer to also be an STP device. I guess that's because I ALWAYS wear my packer, no exceptions. Boy, would be it nice to get one that's waterproof (I've sacrificed swimming, but not only because of the packing issue, mostly the swimsuit issue).
Interesting. Glad you found what works for you. I am a little worried about a few things... I'll just make a thread about it. You'll probably see it.
(I'm pretty active, which is also why my packer requires proper restraint)
Quote from: trapthavok on August 23, 2008, 10:34:39 PMQuote from: Elwood on August 23, 2008, 10:21:24 PMQuote from: Chet on August 23, 2008, 09:56:12 PMBLARGH!!! i know what you guys mean. >_< i hate touching it. >_> its like ew.... i dont mind them, i just hate mine. i do know something that kindof worked once, but i will definitely get in trouble if i post it here. if you want to know so that you can try it, PM me.
What, stuck something in your pooper? :-X Heheh. I couldn't. The hygiene involved with that... I don't even know how guys get clean enough to make that work without getting sh*t everywhere.
Sorry, that might be TMI.
LOL no, not TMI at all. I am intrigued however, Chet.
I used to think working with my behind would work out. Until I considered the hygiene factor. I didn't even bother trying. :-\
umm... no, youre way off. :P wow... haha
Quote from: kestin on August 14, 2008, 02:35:30 AM
I GOT MY T PRESCRIPTION!! *dances with joy* I get my first shot in a weeks time, I can't WAIT!! My Dr. said I'll be on a lower dosage the first month as well as being taught how to inject myself. The testosterone I'll be using is 'Sustanon'.
I'm so going to have myself a T-Party as a celebration XD
That's great. Congrats man :)
Quote from: trapthavok on August 23, 2008, 07:26:55 PM
Quote from: Elwood on August 23, 2008, 06:35:21 PM
How did you make all of this happen so fast? Who is your provider? Are you in America?
I think Kaiser must be unusually slow for things to take this long for me. :/ Did I start therapy before you? I started March.
LOL Elwood. I feel like all those questions would be a BAD thing right now to have answers to, I feel like it would just bum you out to know that someone's moving at a faster pace than you if indeed Kestin is, especially when there's nothing you can do about that really.
Take a deep breath bro, we're all at different points in our lives and it doesn't do you any good to compare yourself to anyone else, it'll just bum you out more. ALL of you guys are way ahead of me so hearing all these updates are great sometimes but then it also reminds me that I'm not moving. I remember you being bummed out about not moving to your liking more than once in the past, so just breathe dude!
I used to feel the same way when I read about other guys' progress and successes. Besides feeling jealous I also had this feeling of not being good enough, that I should have been able to move forward by now. Nowadays though I've come to realise that that kind of thinking doesn't help anyone, least of all yourself. Reading about how far other guys are getting and their successes actually makes me feel happy for them now.
If it makes you feel any better Elwood, there will be years before I'll be able to start this transition process. And when (or if, perhaps) I do get healthy enough there might be a long wait time before I can get to see a therapist, and then it's at least two years of therapy plus RLE experience before I could get hormones. OK, this probably isn't making anyone feel better but yeah... It can take time.
Quote from: trapthavok on August 23, 2008, 07:26:55 PM
Kestin -- I've been reading an FTM story lately, don't know if you heard of Max Wolf Valerio. He mentions increase in sex drive a lot in his story, first from being almost like a horny teenager it was so bad, to lingering thoughts of sex after those first initial "teen stages" on T. So yeah, I guess maybe it increases the libido? Wouldn't know from experience. I really hope it doesn't though because I get PLENTY enough urges as it is without the help of T.
Well, increased libido is a common effect of testosterone, but there are also FtMs who don't get it and non-trans men with low libido, so it doesn't always happen. It's one of the possible effects of T I'd really prefer not to get. Mine is very low, close to non-existent and I'd prefer it to stay that way.
Whilst I've jerked off since I was 13 or so... (I started reading romance novels when I was 11) I've never liked using my hands. I've never had much enjoyment from personally touching myself so I've always used an object (never penetrative though, urg... well at least not the va-jay-jay) So maybe that would be a better option for you guys?
Re: How fast my transition is going?
I had my appointment with my specialist around April/May and he told me I had to have about three months of counselling and a Psychiatrist visit before he could okay me for hormone therapy... which I did. But some of my counselling appointments were like three weeks or a month apart and I ran out of issues to talk about in the second visit ^^ I think the main reason why its been a relatively smooth ride for me is I just don't have any issues, really. Hell, I don't even have issues with being trans, I just am. So because of all that there's been nothing to get in the way of my transition.
Oh Elwood, I'm in New Zealand btw :) We tend to be pretty cruisey about alot of things so that might have helped my situation also.
*shrug* I hope you don't get bummed out by my situation, you'll get there too!
ETA: Am I allowed to link to the New Zealand Transgender Inquiry that was published at the beginning of this year? Its a PDF file and was created by the NZ Human Rights Commission.
Quote from: Ciarquin on August 24, 2008, 12:47:44 AMQuote from: trapthavok on August 23, 2008, 07:26:55 PMQuote from: Elwood on August 23, 2008, 06:35:21 PMHow did you make all of this happen so fast? Who is your provider? Are you in America?
I think Kaiser must be unusually slow for things to take this long for me. :/ Did I start therapy before you? I started March.
LOL Elwood. I feel like all those questions would be a BAD thing right now to have answers to, I feel like it would just bum you out to know that someone's moving at a faster pace than you if indeed Kestin is, especially when there's nothing you can do about that really.
Take a deep breath bro, we're all at different points in our lives and it doesn't do you any good to compare yourself to anyone else, it'll just bum you out more. ALL of you guys are way ahead of me so hearing all these updates are great sometimes but then it also reminds me that I'm not moving. I remember you being bummed out about not moving to your liking more than once in the past, so just breathe dude!
I used to feel the same way when I read about other guys' progress and successes. Besides feeling jealous I also had this feeling of not being good enough, that I should have been able to move forward by now. Nowadays though I've come to realise that that kind of thinking doesn't help anyone, least of all yourself. Reading about how far other guys are getting and their successes actually makes me feel happy for them now.
If it makes you feel any better Elwood, there will be years before I'll be able to start this transition process. And when (or if, perhaps) I do get healthy enough there might be a long wait time before I can get to see a therapist, and then it's at least two years of therapy plus RLE experience before I could get hormones. OK, this probably isn't making anyone feel better but yeah... It can take time.
That's how I feel. Not good enough.
Every transguy I've met in person is taller than me, has a more pronounced nose than me, has a deeper voice than me, has bigger hands than me, has more hair than me... With the exception of one FtM who is hairless on his body even after testosterone. I often feel, "I'm the faker and they're the legitimate guys. They had more T in the womb than me..." I keep thinking that I'm one of the crazy ones who isn't a guy; just a girl who has penis envy or something. But everyone who talks to me says I'm a guy and they couldn't see me any other way... I need to listen to the voices of others.
I should feel happy for the guys, but something about me makes me so jealous of guys with T that I end up being aggressive. I will go as far as to make negative terms with them because of how jealous I am. I'll distance myself and shoot nasty little comments. It doesn't make me feel better, but I feel a need to be defensive. Then they just get on their high horse, beat their chest, and talk to me like I'm a weak little woman (not a strong woman or a capable woman). They dominate me and make me feel even lesser.
It doesn't make me feel better that your process is taking longer... but it does reassure me that I have someone I can relate to.
Quote from: Ciarquin on August 24, 2008, 12:47:44 AMQuote from: trapthavok on August 23, 2008, 07:26:55 PMKestin -- I've been reading an FTM story lately, don't know if you heard of Max Wolf Valerio. He mentions increase in sex drive a lot in his story, first from being almost like a horny teenager it was so bad, to lingering thoughts of sex after those first initial "teen stages" on T. So yeah, I guess maybe it increases the libido? Wouldn't know from experience. I really hope it doesn't though because I get PLENTY enough urges as it is without the help of T.
Well, increased libido is a common effect of testosterone, but there are also FtMs who don't get it and non-trans men with low libido, so it doesn't always happen. It's one of the possible effects of T I'd really prefer not to get. Mine is very low, close to non-existent and I'd prefer it to stay that way.
It's tough having a high libido and no penis. I can't release. Sometimes I wish I was asexual.
Posted on: August 24, 2008, 10:19:54 AM
Quote from: kestin on August 24, 2008, 02:14:14 AM
Whilst I've jerked off since I was 13 or so... (I started reading romance novels when I was 11) I've never liked using my hands. I've never had much enjoyment from personally touching myself so I've always used an object (never penetrative though, urg... well at least not the va-jay-jay) So maybe that would be a better option for you guys?
Re: How fast my transition is going?
I had my appointment with my specialist around April/May and he told me I had to have about three months of counselling and a Psychiatrist visit before he could okay me for hormone therapy... which I did. But some of my counselling appointments were like three weeks or a month apart and I ran out of issues to talk about in the second visit ^^ I think the main reason why its been a relatively smooth ride for me is I just don't have any issues, really. Hell, I don't even have issues with being trans, I just am. So because of all that there's been nothing to get in the way of my transition.
Oh Elwood, I'm in New Zealand btw :) We tend to be pretty cruisey about alot of things so that might have helped my situation also.
*shrug* I hope you don't get bummed out by my situation, you'll get there too!
ETA: Am I allowed to link to the New Zealand Transgender Inquiry that was published at the beginning of this year? Its a PDF file and was created by the NZ Human Rights Commission.
Anything rubbing an object on my female parts like a penis feels wrong. It's what the girl's get to have something rub all over their clit like that. Guys don't experience that, and for me, it just feels wrong. As for working with my bum, I've already talked about why that isn't an option... I don't have an ass douche or anything.
And NO WONDER. Things are much easier in NZ. I feel WAY better now. Thanks, bro.
Quote from: Elwood on August 24, 2008, 12:22:01 PM
Every transguy I've met in person is taller than me, has a more pronounced nose than me, has a deeper voice than me, has bigger hands than me, has more hair than me... With the exception of one FtM who is hairless on his body even after testosterone. I often feel, "I'm the faker and they're the legitimate guys. They had more T in the womb than me..." I keep thinking that I'm one of the crazy ones who isn't a guy; just a girl who has penis envy or something. But everyone who talks to me says I'm a guy and they couldn't see me any other way... I need to listen to the voices of others.
You are not a faker. You are who you are, your just a bit smaller than the average dude :)
Yeah, but you at least can pass visually and you aren't even on T! I don't at all >_> I have my own fears about all this, I think all the time that my changes won't be huge and I'll be one of the few who don't have a significant voice change, people will always be able to tell I have feminine hips, I won't be able to grow a beard etc.
But ya know, what can you do? You either make best with what you have or keep on feeling bad and yourself... I'd rather feel good so I prefer to think about the positive sides of things and don't worry about the rest *shrug*
I realize your situation sucks... but it can
always be worse. I mean, you could have been born with dwarfsm, with some sort of massive learning disorder and no arms (I mean no disrespect to dwarves btw)
Quote
And NO WONDER. Things are much easier in NZ. I feel WAY better now. Thanks, bro.
That's not sarcasm is it? XD Eh, move to downunder (though the better side and not that... Australian place) ;) and get a NZ citizenship and then start HRT here :) It might just be quicker! j/k
Quote from: kestin on August 24, 2008, 02:15:24 PMQuote from: Elwood on August 24, 2008, 12:22:01 PMEvery transguy I've met in person is taller than me, has a more pronounced nose than me, has a deeper voice than me, has bigger hands than me, has more hair than me... With the exception of one FtM who is hairless on his body even after testosterone. I often feel, "I'm the faker and they're the legitimate guys. They had more T in the womb than me..." I keep thinking that I'm one of the crazy ones who isn't a guy; just a girl who has penis envy or something. But everyone who talks to me says I'm a guy and they couldn't see me any other way... I need to listen to the voices of others.
You are not a faker. You are who you are, your just a bit smaller than the average dude :)
Yeah, but you at least can pass visually and you aren't even on T! I don't at all >_> I have my own fears about all this, I think all the time that my changes won't be huge and I'll be one of the few who don't have a significant voice change, people will always be able to tell I have feminine hips, I won't be able to grow a beard etc.
But ya know, what can you do? You either make best with what you have or keep on feeling bad and yourself... I'd rather feel good so I prefer to think about the positive sides of things and don't worry about the rest *shrug*
I realize your situation sucks... but it can always be worse. I mean, you could have been born with dwarfsm, with some sort of massive learning disorder and no arms (I mean no disrespect to dwarves btw)
I guess I am a little lucky. I do pass, even though I do pass as a 15 year old boy. I guess it's better than looking like a 20 year old girl. I should really be looking at a bright future... T will make me pass even more, and I'll be short but... not the only short guy on the planet.
I do have some positive aspects... For instance, I pass as male from the back shirtless. I totally pass. If it wasn't for my boobs, I would be able to pass shirtless. I am pretty proud of that fact... wish I could show it off more. :-\
Dwarfism would have sucked... but at least then I would have had an excuse. "Well, I'm a dwarf." But instead I have to say, "I'm a pre-me." Don't people don't even know what that is. I was born prematurely. I'm a human runt.
Quote from: kestin on August 24, 2008, 02:15:24 PMQuoteAnd NO WONDER. Things are much easier in NZ. I feel WAY better now. Thanks, bro.
That's not sarcasm is it? XD Eh, move to downunder (though the better side and not that... Australian place) ;) and get a NZ citizenship and then start HRT here :) It might just be quicker! j/k
It is not sarcasm at all! Transition is MUCH easier to get through in other countries. I'm relieved. Extraordinarily relieved.
I'd probably get HRT here sooner than I'd be able to save up enough money to fly to NZ! Lol.
Quote from: Elwood on August 24, 2008, 12:22:01 PM
That's how I feel. Not good enough.
Every transguy I've met in person is taller than me, has a more pronounced nose than me, has a deeper voice than me, has bigger hands than me, has more hair than me... With the exception of one FtM who is hairless on his body even after testosterone. I often feel, "I'm the faker and they're the legitimate guys. They had more T in the womb than me..." I keep thinking that I'm one of the crazy ones who isn't a guy; just a girl who has penis envy or something. But everyone who talks to me says I'm a guy and they couldn't see me any other way... I need to listen to the voices of others.
I should feel happy for the guys, but something about me makes me so jealous of guys with T that I end up being aggressive. I will go as far as to make negative terms with them because of how jealous I am. I'll distance myself and shoot nasty little comments. It doesn't make me feel better, but I feel a need to be defensive. Then they just get on their high horse, beat their chest, and talk to me like I'm a weak little woman (not a strong woman or a capable woman). They dominate me and make me feel even lesser.
This is easier said than done, I know, but try to focus on of the good things. You said you "pass", that people see you as a guy, for one thing. There are many guys who don't for a long time even after starting T. I know of some who "pass" less after they've started HRT, actually.
Not all non-trans men are tall, muscular with tons of body hair and big hands. You're not "fake" just because you don't have those qualities. None of us are fake, no matter how feminine our bodies may be. We are all guys, no more fake than non-trans men, even though we may not look like it. Remember that. I know the feeling, I've felt the same way, believe me. I don't think I could be seen as a guy no matter what I did. I wear guy clothes, my voice isn't that high, though it definitely isn't low either. Short hair doesn't help, my face is too feminine for that, I think. currently looking for a medium-lenght masculine haircut. That could help, I guess.
Of course you'd get aggressive if they talk down to you like that. I don't get angry easily, but that kind of behaviour really pisses me off. >:(
Quote from: Elwood on August 24, 2008, 02:34:17 PM
I guess I am a little lucky. I do pass, even though I do pass as a 15 year old boy. I guess it's better than looking like a 20 year old girl. I should really be looking at a bright future... T will make me pass even more, and I'll be short but... not the only short guy on the planet.
I do have some positive aspects... For instance, I pass as male from the back shirtless. I totally pass.
That's great, really great. :) I know it may be tough, but try to foucs on those positive things. Your time will come, just hang in there man.
Quote from: Elwood on August 24, 2008, 12:22:01 PMIt's tough having a high libido and no penis. I can't release. Sometimes I wish I was asexual.
That must be hard to deal with. :-\ Hope that will change in the future.
Being asexual (as in the sexual orientation) doesn't equal low libido, though. There are asexuals with really high ones as well as people who experience sexual attraction who have very low libido.
Elwood: You know dude, I've seen your pics and yeah, you're small but guess what - there are tons of small guys out there. That's usually what I date - short, small guys. I hate muscles and anything taller than 5'8 doesn't warrant a glance. Little guys are usually bursting with attitude and machismo. I love it. So do lots of guys and girls. Don't let it get to you. Bigger guys are no more 'genuine' than you.
Quote from: Elwood on August 24, 2008, 02:34:17 PM
It is not sarcasm at all! Transition is MUCH easier to get through in other countries. I'm relieved. Extraordinarily relieved.
I'd probably get HRT here sooner than I'd be able to save up enough money to fly to NZ! Lol.
Is that really true or is it from your observations? I'm curious. :)
Quote from: Ciarquin on August 24, 2008, 02:59:44 PMQuote from: Elwood on August 24, 2008, 12:22:01 PMThat's how I feel. Not good enough.
Every transguy I've met in person is taller than me, has a more pronounced nose than me, has a deeper voice than me, has bigger hands than me, has more hair than me... With the exception of one FtM who is hairless on his body even after testosterone. I often feel, "I'm the faker and they're the legitimate guys. They had more T in the womb than me..." I keep thinking that I'm one of the crazy ones who isn't a guy; just a girl who has penis envy or something. But everyone who talks to me says I'm a guy and they couldn't see me any other way... I need to listen to the voices of others.
I should feel happy for the guys, but something about me makes me so jealous of guys with T that I end up being aggressive. I will go as far as to make negative terms with them because of how jealous I am. I'll distance myself and shoot nasty little comments. It doesn't make me feel better, but I feel a need to be defensive. Then they just get on their high horse, beat their chest, and talk to me like I'm a weak little woman (not a strong woman or a capable woman). They dominate me and make me feel even lesser.
This is easier said than done, I know, but try to focus on of the good things. You said you "pass", that people see you as a guy, for one thing. There are many guys who don't for a long time even after starting T. I know of some who "pass" less after they've started HRT, actually.
Not all non-trans men are tall, muscular with tons of body hair and big hands. You're not "fake" just because you don't have those qualities. None of us are fake, no matter how feminine our bodies may be. We are all guys, no more fake than non-trans men, even though we may not look like it. Remember that. I know the feeling, I've felt the same way, believe me. I don't think I could be seen as a guy no matter what I did. I wear guy clothes, my voice isn't that high, though it definitely isn't low either. Short hair doesn't help, my face is too feminine for that, I think. currently looking for a medium-lenght masculine haircut. That could help, I guess.
Of course you'd get aggressive if they talk down to you like that. I don't get angry easily, but that kind of behaviour really pisses me off. >:(
I guess I should really be much happier that I pass. No one questions it anymore since I started using the name "Dan." It's amazing, and I really am lucky.
Hmm. I guess you're right. I mean, I don't want to be SUPER MANLY or anything. The only qualities about my body that I can't change are that I'm short and that I can't (at this time) have a normal penis. I need to find ways to work around both of those issues and cope.
Yeah. I hate it when transguys get on the high horse.
Quote from: Ciarquin on August 24, 2008, 02:59:44 PMQuote from: Elwood on August 24, 2008, 02:34:17 PMI guess I am a little lucky. I do pass, even though I do pass as a 15 year old boy. I guess it's better than looking like a 20 year old girl. I should really be looking at a bright future... T will make me pass even more, and I'll be short but... not the only short guy on the planet.
I do have some positive aspects... For instance, I pass as male from the back shirtless. I totally pass.
That's great, really great. :) I know it may be tough, but try to foucs on those positive things. Your time will come, just hang in there man.
Yeah, thanks.
Quote from: Ciarquin on August 24, 2008, 02:59:44 PMQuote from: Elwood on August 24, 2008, 12:22:01 PMIt's tough having a high libido and no penis. I can't release. Sometimes I wish I was asexual.
That must be hard to deal with. :-\ Hope that will change in the future.
Being asexual (as in the sexual orientation) doesn't equal low libido, though. There are asexuals with really high ones as well as people who experience sexual attraction who have very low libido.
Hm. I thought asexuals had low libidos. How do they release? Masturbation?
Quote from: Nero on August 24, 2008, 03:14:21 PMElwood: You know dude, I've seen your pics and yeah, you're small but guess what - there are tons of small guys out there. That's usually what I date - short, small guys. I hate muscles and anything taller than 5'8 doesn't warrant a glance. Little guys are usually bursting with attitude and machismo. I love it. So do lots of guys and girls. Don't let it get to you. Bigger guys are no more 'genuine' than you.
Oooh. That's right. I forgot that even though gay boys don't like that I have no penis, they love that I'm small. But I really don't want to be the submissive partner. It's hard to be dominant when you're tiny. Although, short girls like me just fine. The don't have to get on their toes to get a kiss. :P
But if I could be any way I wanted, I'd be tall, calm, and zen. :( We can't have everything we want, though.
Quote from: Monty on August 24, 2008, 03:40:43 PMQuote from: Elwood on August 24, 2008, 02:34:17 PMIt is not sarcasm at all! Transition is MUCH easier to get through in other countries. I'm relieved. Extraordinarily relieved.
I'd probably get HRT here sooner than I'd be able to save up enough money to fly to NZ! Lol.
Is that really true or is it from your observations? I'm curious. :)
Oh, just observations. I don't have any statistics. Thanks for catching me on that one. ;D
Quote from: Elwood on August 24, 2008, 04:37:21 PM
Hm. I thought asexuals had low libidos. How do they release? Masturbation?
Some masturbate, others don't. If you're interested, Aven (google it, should be one of the first sites that show up) has information about asexuality.
Quote from: Nero on August 24, 2008, 03:14:21 PMElwood: You know dude, I've seen your pics and yeah, you're small but guess what - there are tons of small guys out there. That's usually what I date - short, small guys. I hate muscles and anything taller than 5'8 doesn't warrant a glance. Little guys are usually bursting with attitude and machismo. I love it. So do lots of guys and girls. Don't let it get to you. Bigger guys are no more 'genuine' than you.
I tend to like smaller, rather feminine or at least androgynous guys, myself and I know there are others who do, too.
-sigh- But I don't want to be a feminine guy. I'm trying so hard not to be.
It's not really about what you want, it's about who you are. Nothing wrong with being a feminine guy anyways. I'm quite feminine meself in some situations. ;D
I agree with freespeechz. I was a little concerned about how I look, because I'm obviously a small girly person. But you know what? I realized that it wasn't a problem. I love small men. I like guys with small hands, slender fingers, and a frame that doesn't tower over me. Manly men with these qualities do exist. If I get on hormones, I'll pass regardless of how little I am. And so will you, Elwood. You're going to be fine. I saw your pictures on your blog, and you're almost there. You said you're passing all the time already. I'd be thrilled. ;D
Quote from: freespeechz on August 24, 2008, 05:55:59 PMIt's not really about what you want, it's about who you are. Nothing wrong with being a feminine guy anyways. I'm quite feminine meself in some situations. ;D
Except that's not who I am. It's "what" I am. What I look like. :/
It's easy for you guys to say because you'll probably turn out butch.
I don't mind being small, but I do mind being feminine. I do not want to be feminine...
I really really think you'll be fine on hormones Elwood. You're already passing as a young teen boy, right? You won't look feminine when you're in transition. It'll be like the puberty you never had.
Quote from: Lindsey on August 24, 2008, 07:25:33 PMI really really think you'll be fine on hormones Elwood. You're already passing as a young teen boy, right? You won't look feminine when you're in transition. It'll be like the puberty you never had.
That's how I like to see it. Thanks, Lindsey. I am small, but I think that T will make the feminine "softness" to my look mostly go away.
No problem. I think you're right. :)
I'M FRIGGING HUNGRY!! ... and its p*ssing me off! -_- >:( Its an annoying, consuming kind of hunger... I need breakfast.