I'm not sure where to put this, so here it is....
I want to talk about dreams, the sleeping sort. Before I transitioned, I very often had dreams in which i was female, and it never seemed odd at all, I never even gave it a thought within the dream. It was only when I would wake up, then I would think, my goodness, I was a girl! And then: HOORAY!
These dreams helped me maintain my sanity, and gave me a type of joy that was denied me in waking life.
Very early in trnasition i had a remarkable dream that I'll never forget. I was watching a couple, a young man and pretty young woman, sitting on a park bench beside a pond. The young man seemed troubled about something, heavy with care, tired. The young woman was listening to him and seeming to try to comfort him. I wasn't sure if they were brother and sister, or friends or what.
Then I became aware of what they were saying. He was saying how tired he was, that he couldn't continue; that he'd tried with all his strength to go as far as he could, but he was at his limit. I knew as he spoke, that this man was me. But then the woman smiled understandingly and told him it was ok, that she would take over from here; that he had done a fine job getting that far and she would do the rest. It wasn't until I woke up that I realized that BOTH of them were me!
I remember how joyful I used to feel, after dreaming that I was female. Getting to experiance that and how right it felt. Well, now I don't have to dream to have that experience...it's my life.
Now, occasionally, I have a dream where I am male, and when I wake up it always makes me annoyed. Like, I thought I killed you, get back in your grave, dammit.
I guess, in some way, I'm still both. :-\
Stealth
I had those sorts of dreams. The weirdest would be a 'Ranma 1/2' style where I would keep switching back and forth in the dream when I get splashed with water. The absolute weirdest would be the one time a I became a sailor scout. I think I was 13 at the time. I remember being quite mad at having to wear a skirt if I wanted to be a girl. ::) Yeah, I watch way to much anime.
There has been a strange increase of a certain type of dream, fighting dreams, I wonder if anyone else has had this to. I always seem to be fighting something in my dreams, sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. I can recall one of being I guess a female angel fighting these vampire like things. I think I lost that one.
But the dreams where I was living as a normal girl were the hardest. I would wake up and be a bit depressed that it was just a dream.
Quote from: Stealthgrrl on August 04, 2008, 08:01:46 AM
Very early in transition i had a remarkable dream that I'll never forget. I was watching a couple, a young man and pretty young woman, sitting on a park bench beside a pond. The young man seemed troubled about something, heavy with care, tired. The young woman was listening to him and seeming to try to comfort him. I wasn't sure if they were brother and sister, or friends or what.
Then I became aware of what they were saying. He was saying how tired he was, that he couldn't continue; that he'd tried with all his strength to go as far as he could, but he was at his limit. I knew as he spoke, that this man was me. But then the woman smiled understandingly and told him it was ok, that she would take over from here; that he had done a fine job getting that far and she would do the rest. It wasn't until I woke up that I realized that BOTH of them were me!
I've never had any profound dreams like yours, as my dreams are always really weird and trippy and generally make no sense at all. My dream self is usually male half the time and female the other half. On an odd but interesting note that I realized as I was typing this, my dream self, whether male or female, is almost always naked. When I'm female in the dream, I'm very comfortable with my nudity and have almost a "yes, I'm a woman, look at me" attitude. As a male however, I'm much, much more self conscious, don't want to be seen, and usually hear laughter in the background.
I'm so wierd...
I am believe our dreams are our subconscious' way of trying to talk to us, trying to make us aware of things we might not otherwise be aware of. I tend to write my dreams down as soon as I get up in the morning and then later go back and try to figure out just what the dream might mean. This dream really stood out to me and spoke so loudly that it was practically screaming at me...I had this dream just prior to my transitioning...
In the dream I am swimming through the ocean, the waters are very turbulent and I am being tossed around by the sea. Suddenly a platform appears and I climb onto it. The water suddenly becomes calm, there are no waves and all is dead still. As I stand there I am studying the waters around me. I'm unsure of what to do at this point, but as I stand there a slight breeze starts. I notice that the murkiness of the water is only on the surface. As the breeze grows in strength, portions of the water become clearer. After a few moments of standing on the platform, watching the waters clear and feeling the breeze on me I come to a decision to jump in. I don't just jump in, I dive in head first.
So just what does this mean to me?
All my life I have felt I'm not in control of anything. My transsexualism has caused my life to be extremely turbulent and my path unclear; that to me is what the turbulent ocean means to me. The platform actually represents a number of things, but mostly it signifies my stopping the struggling, thinking and contemplating my path and direction of life. Since returning to therapy, finding a support group and doing tons of reading and research the "waters" are much less murky than just a few months ago. Now, the fact I dive into the water is significant to me. I don't just jump in, sort of testing the waters and not going far from the safety of that platform, no I dive in head first. To me that signifies my finally accepting myself, accepting that while the waters will always be murky to some degree, I cannot let that stop me from moving forward. If I were to stay on that platform I would have surely died and that is how I felt about transitioning. I either do it or die.
To me the water is an important symbol. While I can swim in the waters, I can never truly know all the depths that are possible, the unexplored regions of myself, the depth of my being. For while we all grow and change throughout life, there is always more to learn, more to explore, more unimagined beauties to be discovered and yes some horrors too. But unless I take that dive and explore this aspect of myself I will never know...
Just wanted to share some thoughts...
Quote from: Stealthgrrl on August 04, 2008, 08:01:46 AM
He was saying how tired he was, that he couldn't continue; that he'd tried with all his strength to go as far as he could, but he was at his limit. I knew as he spoke, that this man was me. But then the woman smiled understandingly and told him it was ok, that she would take over from here; that he had done a fine job getting that far and she would do the rest. It wasn't until I woke up that I realized that BOTH of them were me!
Wow.... I actually had a dream almost exactly like that back in April. In my dream I was talking to this really nice girl that I'd just met at university, and I for some reason I was just pouring my heart out to her. I was crying like a baby as I told her about how horrible my life was, and how much I envied her. At some point, my viewpoint switched to girl-me, and I was crying too and hugging boy-me and consoling him, and telling him that I'd take over for him really soon, and then he could finally go to sleep.
That was about a month after I admitted that I was TS, and I couldn't stop thinking about the dream for the rest of the week.
Quote from: Nephie on August 04, 2008, 08:31:21 PM
Quote from: Stealthgrrl on August 04, 2008, 08:01:46 AM
He was saying how tired he was, that he couldn't continue; that he'd tried with all his strength to go as far as he could, but he was at his limit. I knew as he spoke, that this man was me. But then the woman smiled understandingly and told him it was ok, that she would take over from here; that he had done a fine job getting that far and she would do the rest. It wasn't until I woke up that I realized that BOTH of them were me!
Wow.... I actually had a dream almost exactly like that back in April. In my dream I was talking to this really nice girl that I'd just met at university, and I for some reason I was just pouring my heart out to her. I was crying like a baby as I told her about how horrible my life was, and how much I envied her. At some point, my viewpoint switched to girl-me, and I was crying too and hugging boy-me and consoling him, and telling him that I'd take over for him really soon, and then he could finally go to sleep.
That was about a month after I admitted that I was TS, and I couldn't stop thinking about the dream for the rest of the week.
Just to add a ME TOO, lol...
Back when I was "debating" transitioning, I dreamt that I was lying on the floor, with a woman above me holding a knife to my throat. She wasn't trying to be violent, she just seemed desperate.
We both kinda laughed at the silliness of our stalemate, and I half-jokingly asked her,
"you don't really plan to kill me, do you?"She smiled and said something to the effect of,
"I could ask you the same thing."~Kate~
Hi, Isabelle St-Pierre and Nephie, I find both of your stories interesting. Mine might be some different but with some similar patterns that lead to the end.
My dreams came to me in different sequences through the course of the past 8 years. Oh yeah, I get soap opera dreams like months to years between sequences. As for remembering dreams before beginning transitioning, on only a few occasions, and after I would wake up I would only remember parts of the dreams. The odd thing was that I was not aware nor did I ever truly say I saw myself. It was more like a disembodied spirit experiencing the dreams.
After all the moving about I have done through the years I had very little to none in terms of keepsakes that made it from the past, and definitely no pictures of myself. Even now when I wash my face in the bathroom mirror I can not make connections with who I was previous to transitioning. I have no desire to know the previous me.
Well now, eight years ago I came home and kicked my shoes off and sat on the couch to begin my daily meditations. I found myself floating in a thick grey fog and a short time later I felt my feet touching some type of surface. I stopped moving to listen to something. It was the sobbing of a child. I followed the sobbing until I saw a small hunched-over form before me, then I heard the whimpering again. It was a little girl, she wore a blue dress with white ruffly sleeves and hem. To my judgment the little girl was around six or seven years old. She looked up at me with tear-smeared sad eyes. I reached out to pick her up but as soon as I touched her it was like an electrical shock and I was sent flying backwards through the thick fog once more.
As soon as the fog thinned and was whisked away I was once again able to see my surrounding. The surroundings were not familiar until found myself back to the days of early childhood. I then began to move again to fast forward where I felt every emotion I had ever felt from childhood to the present time which was at that time year 2000.
I was overwhelmed by all these feelings I had experienced and I sat there doing the only thing that made sense at the time: crying my eye balls out. I have no memory in my past having such deep emotions
The next vision I had was not long after the first one.
Again I was sitting on the couch meditating and found myself again floating in the grey fog. When the fog cleared and I looked about to get my bearings on my surroundings I saw a dark form in some type of cloak standing on a stone slab. I approached the dark form and suddenly it jumped off the stone slab raising sword over its head. I was quite aware of the possibility that the intent of this entity was using it's sword to kill me, but for some reason I stood my ground, unmoved and unafraid by it's action. He took another couple of steps forward so that I could see his face which looked familiar but I couldn't quite place it.
This man, who by now was becoming much more familiar, bent down and placed the sword on the ground, then stood up straight as a soldier and proclaimed that he would fight no more. I was expecting some type of military salute but he only stood still for a couple of seconds studying me. Then turned and walked back toward the stone slab, took his cloak off and draped the stone slab with it, then climbed up and laid on his cloak and simply drifted off to sleep. Cindy emerged a short time later. And yes, that was the first time in my life that I can actually see who I am in dreams.
Cindy
I remember one dream, the only dream I can clearly remember pre-transition a chat between two people, I still remember what it was about, and it still scares me. This is what was said:
Ryu:So you've come
Carolyn: It's time you left
Ryu:Ha, you made me to protect you, now you want me gone?
Carolyn:This is my life, it's time I was freed. I won't be your slave anymore.
Ryu:I am your hate, you can't get rid of me
Carolyn:Even so, I'm taking what's mine my life!
Ryu:Very well, I'll end you
After that I woke up in a cold sweat, and begin thinking about suicide until I came accoss a forum (Can't remember which one) that was about Transsexuals and read a subject that I felt like it was talking to me. It was about coming out, and seeking help, I broke down and cried and that's mean I knew my choices where death or transition. It was on Nov 19 2007 I read that, on Feb 21 2008 I begin my long road by telling my best friend.
Quote from: cindybc on August 04, 2008, 10:16:45 PM
I was overwhelmed by all these feelings I had experienced and I sat there doing the only thing that made sense at the time: crying my eye balls out. I have no memory in my past having such deep emotions
Quote from: Carolyn on August 11, 2008, 03:23:32 AM
I broke down and cried and that's mean I knew my choices where death or transition. It was on Nov 19 2007 I read that, on Feb 21 2008 I begin my long road by telling my best friend.
It's weird, and even kind of sick, but I envy you your tears - your ability to cry. I haven't had that sort of emotional release in my entire (relatively brief) adult life. I just stumble through life without feeling anything.
The really weird part of this (and relevant to the thread) is that I've had at least a few dreams wherein I've cried my eyes out over some hardship or other. I'm always male in these dreams -- though much girlier than in reality -- and I'm always in abject misery. The dreams are the kind that seem so real that you confuse them with memories later on - and this nearly sank my life at one point.
One of the dreams involved me coming out to my family, especially my father. Just to show how twisted that is, know that my father once told me, during a discussion on gay marriage, that he'd never want any of his kids to
tell him that they're gay -- because then he'd have to throw them out of the house. He's much less charitable to transgender people. He's an emotionally abusive, homophobic, misogynistic narcissist (and is even now the single biggest source of pain in my life).
I don't plan on coming out to him if I can avoid it, but in my bizarro dream I'd actually told him! Even weirder, I'd come to some sort of tearful acceptance with him and my entire family. I woke up from that one feeling better than I ever have before, and I was convinced that it had actually happened!
I was home from uni at the time, and I was just sitting down for breakfast when my father came into the room (I usually try to avoid him). I started to mention again how relieved I was that he'd accepted my need to be a girl, when I realized exactly what I was doing and nearly choked. I am
so glad I didn't get more than a few words out.
The only dreams I have been having are of the erotic type. I am always with a different SO and in every one I am a woman. They all tell me that they are glad I am in their life. Strange. I have no idea what is means, but I really need a cold shower when I wake up. >:D
Mistress Janet
Before transition the idea of transitioning was only a far away fantasy in my imagination. For several years before I transitioned I use to play act being the woman I am now. Like I mean honest to goodness play act. Once I actually put on a gown that had managed to get the nerve up to actually go into a department store to buy it.
So that evening I play acted being a lady escorted to a ball by a debonair middle aged gentleman. Another time I wore skirt and top matching colors, and I wore a blazer. My gentleman frriend and I walked arm in arm into a rather large building to a book signing of one of my own novels I had written.
Another time I sneaked out of the apartment building and walked down a trail on the side of a fairly steep hills and kicked my shoes off and walked around the soft sand of a fairly large sand pit. I wore a short dress with a wide belt and had a stick tucked into the belt, my sword as my only defence while I walked across the desert land at night under the canopy of billions of stars which were my only source of light. Well needless to say this was where i got the idea for The Duns of Mars Warrior Princess.
I also got dressed at every opportunity I had when I went out with my friend Tracy to visit her friends who were absolutely delighted having me at there home for company, of course each time I put on an act for them, they enjoyed it just as much as I did.
I also use to go to this very large beach where hundreds of people went to to go sunbathing or swimming and boating on the bay. I was dressed in the appropriate women's attire for the beach, no one paid me any attention. I believe it was the following year I came to the entire town.
Well all I can say is that after 8 years I do not look anything like the previous person I was and thus far many lady friends a\have taken a guess at my age peg me being 10 years younger.
Like I have mentioned before I have this pot I realy do dislike but a couple of the girls at the women's shelter ask me if I was pregnant, Geeee I could only wish.
Cindy
Posted on: August 12, 2008, 03:07:12 AM
Hi Nephie, It will come. Usually the estrogen is notorious for playing on one's emotions and tears come much easier then they did pre-HRT, when you feel, sad, hurt, happy, melancholy, or for no apparent reason. Oh boy, the fun part is probably when you are crying and laughing at the same time.
Or you may feel an urge to cry at any given time for what ever reason, or at times no reason is required. Don't hold it back, no reason to do that anymore, hon. You are on the right side of the gender fence and you may cry at will. I am also aware of needing to hold back emotions when I was in the other gender. Well, I was conditioned to believe it wasn't appropriate for a man to cry, it is a show of weakness to cry in front of one's male buddies, and heaven forbid if you did, unless it was over someone who had passed away.
Well you are in the women's club now. You will find values will change and so will your personalty and ethics. The quickest way to transition is to let go completely of the persona you were before. If you want to be your gender of choice you need to revamp much of your thinking and feelings as well as attitude.
Cindy
LOL, I am seeing Leiandra's wonderful avatars all over Susan's now. And why not?
Anyway, I really enjoyed reading Nephie's and Cindy's posts, above. During the latter part of my previous incarnation, I didn't cry at all. In fact, I had begun to honestly wonder whether I had lost the capacity to feel real joy, which ties in with the general muting of emotions generally. It's a sad thing...to lose one's joy so completely.
But Cindy is right, the combination of E, and the release of being who one truly is, allowed me to become the emotional girl that I am today, and who I should be naturally. Life is so much fuller, and my poetry came back after 20 years, as well.
Cindy, you mentioned being pregnant. To bring this ramble back around to the subject of dreams, I dreamt, mid-transition, that I was, indeed, pregnant. In the dream I wasn't trans, I was just a normal woman, and I was so happy and full of joy to be pregnant. It was not quite like any other feeling I have ever had, and when I woke up and realized it wasn't true, I was heartbroken, really sad. It sounds insane, but I felt like I'd lost a baby. But that passed and what remains is the marvelous experience of getting to be pregnant, in that dream. (I know I know, any GG's reading this will leap in and tell me all about morning sickness, back aches, and so forth...but my dream was one of the nicest ones i ever had.)
Stealth
Hi, Stealth,
We all have dreams as well as visions, some more vivid than others, like a true to life experience.
I have had dreams, some really wonderful dreams, as well as some pretty terrifying ones. I have even written stories based on some experiences in dreams. I believe that most writers get their material for book writing from dreams and visions
Past dreams, or dreams of the past, or dreams of the future, well, according to some researchers the past, present, and future exist simultaneously because it is within the realm of infinity, no beginning no end, making time itself no more than a sequel within the theatre of infinity.
All that truly is reality is this very moment, a heart beat in eternity, this is where we make our choice to either move forward or backward. I would choose to keep moving forward because forward is growth. Life is a test and we as Trans folks were served an extra portion on our plates, more than most other folks out there. Instinct for survival and to evolve into who we are or will become, intuitively we follow our destiny.
Mr Einstein once said that there are infinite potentialities within the quantum realities. We exist in a realm where we can only touch infinity one heart beat at a time. Hmmm I wrote a short truism and it may be interesting to post it here.
So as we plod along on the path of life we learn and we grow and I believe it is the growth that really counts, ascending to our next mission in another reality. How many lives have we lived since the occurrence of the "Big Bang" and the seed of life was planted into fertile soils of a plethora of planets? So what are dreams made of, and where are they born from? Can you imagine all the life time memories a soul can contain since the "Big Bang?"
Heck, I was blessed with having 11 kids go under my roof in time past. Never been pregnant and I really do wish I could have had the opportunity to actually have experienced the miracle of conceiving and birthing life from my own body. I love children, they are a special gift given to the female of the species by the Sacred Feminine.
Cindy
I couldn't agree more, Cindy. :)
Thanks Stealth
Hun I do have many other philosophies and reams that I put down on paper hereabouts. I will see if I can find them. I have a few saved on microsoft word.
The few experiences, I supposed would be labeled as spiritual, a good many of them are based in spirituality and not religion. Those two are about as separate in nature as Transsexuals and ->-bleeped-<-, just meant as an illustration and no more
The problem with trying to teach others how to get in touch with who we are using the medium of spirituality. I have studied North American Native spirituality and legends for a good many years. I started out with the study of ancient Wicca Witchcraft which was close in the mater of both using the elements of nature to draw they their spiritual strength from.
In later years I chose the North American Native traditions and spirituality in which discovered would be the strength I would be needing in order to transition. Unfortunately there weren't sufficient members here to keep that thread open.
I'm just a wittle kid, what can you expect from a wittle kid hitchhiking to Albequoiky to visit Bugs Bunny.
Cindy
Well, my advice would be, don't take any wrong turns, and be bewwy bewwy quiet!
Mehh To late I took a left at Albequoiky and wound up in my mate Wing Walkers apartment in Washington DC. then we both took a wrong toin in Ontario and ended up in Vancouver BC, Maybe I should just stick to looking for a rabbit hole.
Cindy
It was two dreams of myself as a woman that precipitated my coming out to myself and beginning this whole process. Those dreams were the inevitable rising to full consciousness of my long-buried truth. A few days after those dreams, I finally stopped denying and admitted that I'm trans, and from that moment on my whole existence has been radically transformed. Dreams are some powerful stuff, baby.
My favorite quote from Eleanor Roosevelt: "The future belongs to those who believe in the reality of their dreams." And how.
My dreams lately consist of both the male me and the female me. We're both fighting some sort of hardship together. Whether it is solving a difficult problem that has been troubling me, or just fantasy fighting. What does this mean???
I've always felt different and dreamed that was female but why is Michael there with Amrisa now???
...
I just don't know. Do any of you people have any ideas??
Stealth,
I just wanted you to know that I was here and I saw this.
I am glad you are you, you always brighten my day.
I don't have any great words of wisdom for you, but I have my own personal dreams, as you
know lil bits of my story as being a survivor, so can understand somewhat.
Just wanted you to know I am here for you and wanna be.
your friend,
mystic aka tink
Quote from: mystics_rain on August 27, 2008, 09:49:16 AM
Stealth,
I just wanted you to know that I was here and I saw this.
I am glad you are you, you always brighten my day.
I don't have any great words of wisdom for you, but I have my own personal dreams, as you
know lil bits of my story as being a survivor, so can understand somewhat.
Just wanted you to know I am here for you and wanna be.
your friend,
mystic aka tink
Hey gf! Have i told ya lately how much I love you and that woman you hang around with? :P
((((((((((((((((((((((mystic)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
No, we think the world of you too. You know I don't have any great advice or anything, but I do try to come here and see you and all the other lovelies here when I get a chance.
I am glad you are finding your nitch here and are so loved, you deserve it. ;)
your girly friend,
tink
I don't know if I have been female in a dream, but I frequently have dreams where gender crossing is an issue. Usually, the dream ends with some anxiety about having my parents or friends find out.
Stealth, how are you doing? Just leaving you a message to let you know that I love you.
Hi, Hypatia, yes, dreams and imagination such as projecting one in any given dream, materialised or born from the mind, even escaping this reality and replacing it from a story one might be reading.
There are many different modes one can use to escape from this reality, and if you have the sufficient faith and do the physical steps in this reality your dreams can be materialized in this reality.
Universe is made of a duality but we are all as one in a state of neutrality until one learns how to tap into that neutral force and make of it what one wishes to do with it. It's your choice to use it for good or bad, in the end that is your choice to make. We are the agents of free will and as such we decide for ourselves what we want to make it. The choice as to what we desire from the web which binds all potentialities together, to then be released into reality by the person that desires it.
"Once conceived, once believed, Fantasy's reality's childhood." --- Karen Carpenter
Cindy
I've just woken from a striking dream, so what better place to record it than here!
Some of it is really out there, but some of it couldn't be more plain. Anyways, here it is:
First off, I wasn't male or female, just sort of unidentified floating ME. I had arrived t this place where young women lived, like a girls' dorm at a college or something. I found my room and my room mate had already arrived, but wasn't there. I looked around to try to see what she was like, and decided I liked her already. Somehow I knew she was very expressive, and sort of a modernized hippie chick. I looked up, and a dress of hers was on a line, as if drying from the wash, and it was animated by a breeze, even though this was indoors. In fact, it was so animated, the way it gracefully moved and swayed, that it seemed nearly alive. And I thought, I want inside that dress. Then I was distracted by some other girls coming in to invite us to go out with them. As it turned out, both the room mate and the alpha of the pack of girls, were women I know from Susan's! The room mate I consider dear, and Miss Alpha I have spoken to and like but don't know very well.
Anyway...we went out. We were meeting up with people at some club. When we got there, I got distracted with a pinball machine. (I used to love pinball, when i was college age.) But this was a special pinball machine. It told stories. As I manipulated the flippers and the ball went around, different things happened, and I saw them all as if in some 3-D movie. Except it all seemed real. So, I had some control. but not a lot, and it was more than a game.
It seemed to be a war between good and evil. ("Armageddon pinball! Play now, test your skills! :D) My character was a beautiful princess with long flowing dark hair. (guess who really has long dark hair? Yep, me.) Though she was Royal, she had been raised in the woods by three skunks. Disney-ish skunks, but still skunks, so that she had no idea she was Royal, and in fact, thought, "I stink." She had no idea that she inspired others, or that she had an important role to play in the game. Or that she was beautiful.
So, things went back and forth for a while, with strategies and ploys and successes and failures, until somehow I discovered a pistol that could be used to slay the other side's leader, who reminded me of the demonic Randall Flagg in Stephen King's "The Stand." So I went and found him, and pointed it at him, like ok, this is it, you're toast! But he laughed and grabbed the barrel and stuck it in his mouth, and when it went off it just made this sickening, hollow, dead sound that seemed like the essence of bottomless despair and negation. Even being near it made me feel ill. And I knew that he couldn't be killed because he was death, he was hopelessness.
But I knew that he could still be opposed, even if not destroyed, so I went back to the "good guys'" camp to regroup. It took me a while to find my Princess cos the devil-man had been there. He wanted to stop her because she had become star surgeon, who could heal people. So he had blinded her, so she couldn't do her healing work. Plus she still didn't know she was Royal.
So there I was, trying to figure out how to restore her sight, and also to make her realize her Princess-ness, when i woke up.
So now I should say, that last night I was feeling blue, feeling disconnected and sad. So I feel like my dream was saying to me, "You're more than you think you are. What you do matters. Don't lose heart. There may be setbacks and disappointments, but it all matters. And look, you're the beautiful Princess you always wanted to be!"
Stealth
I'm always female in my dreams. What has been a recurring problem, is in so many of the dreams, I have the same hair style, pulled back into a bun in the back of my head. I never wear my hair in a bun; I prefer a ponytail, but the point is that I dislike the hair style.
How does someone change their hair style in a dream?
Quote from: Stealthgrrl on August 04, 2008, 08:01:46 AM
Very early in trnasition i had a remarkable dream that I'll never forget. I was watching a couple, a young man and pretty young woman, sitting on a park bench beside a pond. The young man seemed troubled about something, heavy with care, tired. The young woman was listening to him and seeming to try to comfort him. I wasn't sure if they were brother and sister, or friends or what.
Then I became aware of what they were saying. He was saying how tired he was, that he couldn't continue; that he'd tried with all his strength to go as far as he could, but he was at his limit. I knew as he spoke, that this man was me. But then the woman smiled understandingly and told him it was ok, that she would take over from here; that he had done a fine job getting that far and she would do the rest. It wasn't until I woke up that I realized that BOTH of them were me!
I didn't have a dream like that, but I had a conversation inside that went something like that. He just couldn't continue protecting me, so I had to take over so he could sleep, and live for myself.
I did have many dreams pre-transition where I was a girl. I remember one in particular, where I was walking around in a field, and I was taking photos of myself with my camera phone. While I was taking photos, I saw myself through the camera lens and I was a beautiful woman, with long brown hair and a gorgeous face. I woke up so excitedly, but realized it was a dream.
Thankfully though, that dream has become reality. ;D
Jenn
SWEET! ^^ ;)
Hi Stealth, wow what an interesting and powerful dream with many potentialeties in reality, just choose well and wisely.
Cindy
Transition years back made me female in all my dreams within a month (guess it figures as dreams reflect a wierd and distorted image of real life, happiness, more often fears, phobias, whatever ?)
My only one nightmare in five years (happened three months ago) was that my penis had grown back and I was pleasuring myself with it ... it was so real that I woke up in a cold sweat and had to feel "down there" to reassure myself that I was still a woman ...
Strange and disturbing ... dreams, so rarely happy for me, reflect part of our psyche that most of us don't want to address ?
Laura x
Hi Laura hon, Nice to see you again, and I do agree with your post. Got my good portion of dreaming dreams that were realy messed up, as well as some good ones. For the past four years though I have had some realy wonderful dreams and in them as who I am today. Maybe I am being recompensed by Universe for all the bad ones in the past. Before transitioning 8 years ago I experienced some dreams, well I knew I had dreams but couldn't remember what they were about, but then, such is the nature of dreams where they can either be quite amazing and wonderful or horrible and dreadful ones as well.
Doesn't matter how long ago one has dreamed a particular dream, in time those dreams will eventually come back to you, like in little bits and peaces. Not unlike putting together a large jigsaw puzzle. Nothing is ever lost in the biological hard drive that is called brain. Whether it be dreams or memories are of this reality or another. None is ever lost completely, it gets all stored in the subconscious mind and when you least expect it, "POP goes the weasel." Well in any case as an expereincer of drems I have discovered and learned much, but a deviner of the meaning of dreams I am not.
Cindy
I had a dream this morning that my fiancee caught me talking to someone online as a woman. It was a very weird dream and I was worried for a bit that I was talking in my sleep about it.
The nightmare returned. I spent the night at my Daimon's place last Friday and we were playing Soul Calibur 4 and we were speaking in normal Gamer talk "Nightmare Raped You", "You just got owned" ect. And He made a comment about my Character Ryu Saiyen (My male self that I made along time ago) Raping my Female Character Carolyn (My Soul Calibur Self) in a Fight, and I just froze, he asked me why but I told him not to worry about it. Later that night when I finally fell asleep the Nightmare returned.
In the dream it is very simple, so I'll just say it; Ryu Rapes me and then destroys me. It's really hard to say just how the dream plays out so I'll leave it at that.
Sounds like a revolting game.
Yea I don't understand video gamenees to well.
Cindy
Soul Calibur IV is just a fighting game... I gots it myself :) .... main reason i got it is because you can create your own characters in it which I love to do in games ;D ..... I can't wait for Street Fighter IV ... I loves tha Street Fighter >:-) ..... anywayszz... sorry off topic i guess.
About dreamszz... I remember quite clearly most of my dreams where I was a girl.... first one I had was when I was quite young. I always felt really weird when I woke up after having such a dream. I felt good, and bad.... but I never knew what that was about. Now I know though lol :laugh:
Don't want nightmares? Lay off the violent gaming.
I like searching and saving cutsy animations, anims as well as fantasy and mystical pictures. I also collect pictures of pretty actresses and other models and pretty ladies, also lo collecting nature scenes as well, got some realy neat ones just around here in BC. and modern architectural feats. And none of these give me any nightmares. Also got a new camera to, my new play toy, tanks to my love Wing Walker. Of course I'm a dreamer, a day dreamer as well, love fantasising stuff.
Cindy
Quote from: Hypatia on October 14, 2008, 01:35:58 PM
Don't want nightmares? Lay off the violent gaming.
Violent games have nothing at all to due with Nightmares, now Fear based games have something to do with Nightmares, examples are: Resident Evil Series (Biohazard), Alone in the Dark Series, Silent Hill Series and The Fetal Frame Series. But games like Soul Calibur, Mortal Kombat, Halo Series, and Grand Thief Auto (GTA) Series, all Violent games have nothing to do at all with Nightmares. Your talking to a Gamer pro, I've been gaming sense age 2 so yea, I only have rare Nightmares and thus I had one. Oh and Nightmare is also the name of the main Character in Soul Calibur aka the Soul Series.
Can we please not turn this into a gaming discussion? The thread is about dreams. Thanks.
Stealth
Tanks.
Cindy
I had a weird dream last night. I think, sometimes its hard to remember my dreams when my life demands attention as soon as I wake up.
Anyways I had this dream where I am walking in a forest and see a statue. it looked like the famous statue that has its arms broken off. (I'm a science major not an art critic. ;P) I reached up and touched it and literally felt myself thrown across the forest. I don't usually feel in dreams, but occasionally do.
When I sit up I see a much more fit verson of my male self. Now I wasn't fat before but this version of me would have sent some comic-book heros away in shame. Realizing that set off a semi-lucid state. I also realized that he had a very big sword pointed at me. From here we had a talk as I stood up.
Eric: You are pathetic.
Terra: How so?
Eric: How bad could life been? I never struggled that much and was doing pretty good.
Terra: You were coasting through life in a naive state. You didn't care.
Eric: You do? Suppose that's why grades just keep slipping, right?
Terra: I got a lot of-
Eric: Problems? Most of those problems came when you came.
Terra: You got a point or you gonna get that sword out of my face?
Eric: I'm taking back my life!
At this point he attacked, I somehow parryed the blade with a rapier that suddenly was in my hands. Back and forth we went untill finally he got a hit in with his sword. As he stood over me gloating and kicking me I used my sword and stabbed him in the heart. He looked very surprised and simply vanished. I managed to crawl bleeding over to the statue and reached up to touch it when my alarm went off.
Don't know if it means anything, but it was certainly weird. I woke up checking my side still feeling phantom pain.
Wow! The symbolism of your dream is so striking and relevant. It dramatized the inner struggle that so many of us have been through. It's very good that you won the fight, albeit wounded. I think we all get wounded in that struggle (it can't be helped-- we struggle against our own selves). That you triumphed in the end is very significant as well as...
Quote from: Terra on October 16, 2008, 08:20:31 PMthe famous statue that has its arms broken off.
You mean the Venus de Milo?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.woolamaloo.org.uk%2Fsmall%2520venus%2520de%2520milo%25203.jpg&hash=964dd38e625879df81bbc1d4a0ba0b01a6bce110)
As the world's most widely-known symbol of female beauty for all time, she's a powerful image of the Eternal Feminine empowering you to be who you are.
In most of my dreams, I am in my current state of pre-everything transsexual. However, I have had a few dreams where I am fully physically male, and also have longish green hair. I had a dream recently where my eldest sister (or, in the dream, brother) was also transsexual. I also had a dream with some disgustingly obvious symbolism (there was a closet), and to make a long story short it basically made out trying to be myself right now would be a bitter struggle that might not succeed, but should be tried anyway no matter the consequences (uplifting dreams I have). A very telling dream from my childhood had a part where I was running in a field with many boys. Of course, that was to show that I was "one of the lads," I may have even thought of that part of the dream as the part where I was running "with the other boys," but when I described this dream to others, I did not phrase it that way.
Quote from: Hypatia on October 16, 2008, 10:21:30 PM
You mean the Venus de Milo?
As the world's most widely-known symbol of female beauty for all time, she's a powerful image of the Eternal Feminine empowering you to be who you are.
Yeah, its weird as I know i've never heard of it referred to in that way. Maybe i tapped into something that night.
Posted on: October 17, 2008, 01:21:43 pm
I had another dream, I just woke from it. I guess it was more a nightmare the first part and weird the second.
In it i walked down a corridor and into a funeral parlor. It was similar to the one I saw my grandmother in, I've only been to two funerals, I guess this makes a third. I saw people talking and pointing to an altar on the other side of the room. On it lay a tall woman wearing a purple dress. She wasn't in a coffin, but out for everyone to see.
I walked forward and passed a mirror, I saw my reflection and stopped. It crossed my mind that my reflection was wrong, but it wasn't enough to trigger anything lucid. In the reflection I was a full guy again. Except my hair was longer in a manish ponytail and I had a goatee. I turned back forward and finished making my way to the alter. It was me, the female me. She looked so peaceful laying there, but I guess everyone does in that sort of situation.
Everyone started to gather around me and I clearly head statements about how good it would be since 'she' was gone. My roommates, my family, even a few of my friends. How they could stop hearing me whine about my life, or how they would never have to deal with such a horrible person again. On and on and though every person was talking I heard them one at a time. They seemed all very happy, I was reminded in my dream of the
Christmas Carol. I remember feeling very sad at that analogy. When I looked back down my female self was crying as well. Then she opened her eyes and the voices stopped.
"Why are you letting me die? Why do you want to die so badly?" She seemed so sad, and the look she gave me was one a mother gives a child. I couldn't answer, and she continued, "I know it seems we are two people, but I am you and you me. I don't want to die, why do you?"
"Because i'm so tired of the pain, i'm tired of caring, or not caring, or whatever it is I do!" I shouted at her, suddenly angry unlike I have ever been for some time. "It all started with you! It always had to be you! I had a life I had to give up so you could live! I gave up so much and now I could lose everything!" I cried and shook. She was suddenly sitting and cupped my face.
"You would have rather lived a lie?" She asked. I opened my mouth and she placed a finger on my lips. "Regardless of your physical body, what you are is what you are. No wishing or cursing will change that fact. Nothing they say will change that either."
"I don't want this, I want what men want and what women want. I don't know who I am anymore!"
She shook her head gently, "That is because you are both, you were raised as both and you will die as both. Because we are both just as real. It just happens that the female side of you is slightly more dominant. But it doesn't mean you can't be those things." She spoke calmly, "With all the things you have been through and seen, why would you believe differently?" She had a sad smile as she said the next bit.
"Life is pain, but it is through that pain that we learn what life truly is. To run away from that, to let your fear and pain overwhelm you is to miss out on this lesson. Instead of concentrating on the pain, let it help you find the points of happiness in your life." She took my hand and lead me down another corridor, at this point i'm suddenly female again. "I know it is hard, but you got this far right? You are as stubborn as they come, are you really going to give up when you are so close to your dreams?" Suddenly i'm in a city, except that there are Japanese words everywhere. Or at least what I think is supposed to be Japanese. I think I was supposed to be in Japan. She let go of my hand, and I looked away at my surroundings. When I looked back it was suddenly my male self. Except that he had that same gentle tone as she had a moment before.
"Now stop being a jackass and get your butt in gear. We got work to do." He was gentle in tone, but still gruff. He poked my head, and I suddenly woke up.
Its a long post in an old post. Sorry if this upsets anyone. I just felt compelled to write this down, and this seemed the most logical place to do it. I dunno, but it was important enough to me for me to remember it so clearly. Maybe someone will get something from this. Dunno, vut i'm going to try and get some more sleep.
Terra,
Sounds like a dream a lot of us have. The conversation between our two selves and in most that I have heard of the female self is telling the male self that it is alright to let go. And usually it is a prelude to full time.
IMHO
I had a recurring dream throughout my teens. The dream was in a dark damp cave. A young man was walking down the passage which opened into a larger cavern. In the cavern was a high circular wall with barred windows and no door and within this 'cell' there was a young woman with long dark hair kneeling in the middle and weeping. The young man was sad to see the woman weeping so but could do nothing about it and walked on out of the cave. I only had the dream once after SRS and that time the young man found the cell empty - the young woman had gone. It never happened again. (Pretty clear meaning.)
A couple of times after SRS I had a nightmare where I woke up to find out that it had all been a dream and I was still male. That was the most disturbing and distressing dream I ever had.
Most of my dreams in the early years were rebelling against "male infiltration" - like going in to the women's room and finding urinals on the wall and other women ignoring them. I would get so angry I would rip them down and throw them out, admonishing the other women for not taking offense. (Weird, I know LOL!)
A year or so after SRS my dreams settled down to pretty normal kinds of dreams and have remained so ever since.
Wow, Terra and Jane, I'm so glad you revived this thread and shared those dreams! And yeah, Janet, I agree, a lot of us have that kind of dream just before.
I dreamed as a child everyone does but i can't really remember any specificsI often had nightmares though brought on by my powerful imagination. When I was about 9 I got tired of being afraid and decided to turn my imagination to my advantage. So after that I developed the talent of lucid dreaming whenever my imagination conjured up a nightmare I defeated it through various means. When I was about 11 I started dreaming of myself as a female these where for the most part the same types of dreams I could control except for my gender but it felt so right I didn't want to change that anyway.I do not have any one particular look for my femine self when I dream because it constanly changes depending on what I am dreaming about. My favorite form to take though is of a beautiful young woman with very long silver hair and purple eyes with a fox tail and ears. I used to think that those dreams where the only kind I ever got and that I never experienced deep dreams. I now know differently that i expierence deep dreams like everyone else but almost never remember them at all when i awaken. I dream now more than I used to but as soon as I wake up it fades from my memory so fast. There is one dream however I experinced in the past that I rember parts of more vividly than any other dream this was about 6 maybe 7 years ago I was 18 or 19 at the time. Ill try to go into as much detail as i can but my memory works against me there. I went to bed was having dreams as normal then hit rem and lost consiousness completely. When the dream started I was a young girl somewhere between 14and 15 I cannot recall what my deatures where like but it was not an apperance I created myself. I was at a type of all female school and religous order. What the religon was I cannot say nor can i describe the apperance of the school but it was out in the wilderness and the dream had a feeling of great age. The school taught devotion to its spiritual principles, martial skill with swords, and use of magic. the environment was very warm and peacful and then it changed. It was nightime there were fires buringing all around and cries of rage and terror filled the night sky. My clothes where torn and there was blood on me I think someone elses. There where bodies lying all around me of students and teachers and men clad in black armor with an insignia I can't remember. Then I saw him. It was a tall figure dressed in all black with armor and a sword darkness itself seemed to flow around him as he walked. The only two features of his face I could tell was his glowing red eyes and the cold smile on his face that can still make me shiver just thinking about it. He raidiated an aura of malice and despair so strong I couldn't even get off my knees only watch in terror. A few of the strongest teachers stood opposing him as his smile never waivered. They fought with everything they had but one by one he cut them down brutaly seemingly as if he where toying with them. When he was through he slowly walked up to me as I stood their completely numb with sheer terror and my brain kept screaming run stupid. Right as he got to me he raised his sword and then the dream ended and I woke up with a cold sweat shaking. Before anyone ask no this dream was not related to my GID im sure of that and the figure was not my male self. Just thought i would share since its the most vivid one ive ever had.
I have found that since SRS that places designated for women like washrooms and other community women's groups are sacred to me and would find it very intrusive to find a male among us unless invited by the other patrons in the gathering. Well anyway that's me.
I guess having the women's street center raided by males a couple of months ago has made me feel a little more humble having those like my self about me. Strength and security in numbers. Eventually it was one brave red headed lady, close to six feet tall was the one to step outside and tell the perpetrators to back off half shoving one out on the street, the other just took off for safer haven.
Well I had a rather strange dream last night. As most here already know that I spent a number of years living on the streets, but I was closer to middle age back then.
In this dream I was a young girl of about ten and my mom and I lived on the street in a small run down dingy little apartment. Surprisingly I was a rather chirpy happy girl child, always smiling and willing to do any little odd job for folks that lived in the community. Especially house cleaning, yard cleaning, and small repairs for older folks who were not so capable of doing for themselves.
I would pocket my dimes nickels and quarters and any other baubles I was given to pawn off at the pawn shop. At the end of the day I would walk back kind of all cheery and glowy inside, content with my days work. Upon arriving at home I would sit to eat what ever my mom could muster up for us for super.
I would clean our little apartment and do what ever small repairs I could to it, trying my best to make it look bright and cheery.
I was truly a happy child and my mom and I were very close. There are a few similarities in reality to this dream such as my mom and I being close. I have always believed she knew my innermost secrete and I was a happy child. But all other similarities to the dream end there. In reality we were a well to do close knit family, My mom, my dad my sister and I. Truly all wonderful folks and I do miss them. In real life when I was a kid my folks always trusted me, and let me come and go from the home without questions asked. Mom and Dad are deceased and my sister disowned me. I hope I didn't bore everyone with another of my tall tails. >:(
Cindy
Posted on: November 13, 2008, 08:52:00 am
Hi Stealthgrrl, nice to see you are still around, haven't run into you for a while, love the avatar.
Me the pic I have of myself for an avatar is still the most recent and the nicest one of me I have thus far. I am hopping to have some that may look good while Dr. Bassard was giving me a big hug, and I certainly didn't resist, getting hugged by such a gentleman doesn't happen everyday. There is another wonderful french gentleman her to, funny to, likes his humor, he doesn't hesitate giving you a hug either, wow talk about wowing someone off her feet. :D
Cindy
Boring, Cindy? Not at all, I thought it was very sweet.
Thank you about my avatar. I got it from our resident avatar queen, Leiandra. :)
I had a dream two nights ago which was just sort of odd lol. I was in a bedroom with my friend Sherri, who may be a little bent, but who is not gay. We were on the bed, clothed, but in each other's arms with our legs entiwined, and i thought, sheesh, tease the lesbian why don't ya. Ha! In my dream, this was the second time recently that a straight gf had done this. I remember thinking that in the dream.
So, I decided to get off the bed, and the room, the ENTIRE rest of the room, was a beautiful pool! There were pretty curtains at the windows, and paintings on the walls, and flowers in vases, but except for the walls and ceiling, it was all water. So I kicked off from the edge of the bed and floated out and relaxed. There were even colorful pillows floating around, which somehow seemed to stay dry.
I expect the dream is pretty simple really. I had thought, I am going to stop snuggling with this woman before she figures out that I am wet. And then, the entire room was "wet." So much for my best laid plans!
The room really was extraordinarily pretty, though. It looked rather like a Maxfield Parrish painting.
Stealth
Dreams are always interesting topic, and im glad i came on this thread, the experiences i read were like mythological? so much emotion and personality.
i also once had the dream of being a girl, these are the only dreams i have and only once i dream of being a boy...truely it did scare me :[ as i stated in a topic of my own i dont feel like myself as boy.
anywho.. back to dream, i had one recently of a girl lying down sleeping beneath a large emerald green tree by the trunk. what was most weird is that i saw two views at same time, one from point of the girl and one i was looking at girl through thin air. Eveerything seem happy but at same time it was not :[
i also had one where there was a mirror. and like the other one two view point (i seem to have this ones alot!) I was man and woman, between us a mirror and what seems 5 feet distance. We look at Each other, he woman looking confident but the man looked weak.
I dont know exactly what this means.
Gee, I am discovering that these "dual" dreams are very common among us. And why shouldn't they be? We truly do inhabit (or inhabited) two worlds, one male, one female. It sounds as if the female part of you is definitely the stronger, Alessandra, so it isn't surprisng that your second dream confirms this.
All I can offer on the first dream is that the view from above is literally a "higher" viewpoint, something that is indeed above ordinary perception.
Thanks, everyone, for keeping this thread going, I am glad you are enjoying it!
Hi Stealthgrrl hon,
This is my dibs only on this. Since the exterior part of our body was what our parents and the rest of the world believed us to be so they conditioned and raised us to be what they though was a boy, regardless of some of the rebelion some of us displayed through our displeasure of there insisting that we are not girls and that we are boys and to act accordingly. So here we go, off to school with our little Donald Duck lunch pails dressed like boys, who were we to dispute this decision, we were outnumbered by the grown ups.
I never told my parents although the desire was there I kept it hid. my parents caught me dressing up a could of times and that was the end of that. But the notion of there being a girl inside was so strong and insistant that I made that female ego into my imaginary friend for a good many years.
So in our subconscious mind resides both genders, and both genders are constantly in battle within the mind. Since this is a part of our nature I would have to believe that any given dream and maybe even in the same dream you will see yourself as one or the other or both. In our minds both the female and male characteristics are intertwined with one another like two souls living within one body.
Cindy
Quote from: cindybc on November 15, 2008, 09:48:18 AMIn our minds both the female and male characteristics are intertwined with one another like two souls living within one body.
That is something I have often heard and I suspect it may have been my short-coming (which was also my drive to resolution) because I couldn't find that male aspect. My earliest identity was feminine and all the pressure to be otherwise just caused confusion and later anger. Dreams were predominantly girl, though occasionally neutral and it all just meant I couldn't stop fighting. If I had been able to identify, integrate to even a small degree, I probably would not have done what I did as early as I did.
Hi Norhtern Jane back in my day this idea of transsexuality and the psychological aspects of it and what it meant was not well known back in my day. It was seen as a sick thing to do and lets not even think of consequences were if I dared tried to tell anyone else about it. So I didn't, but for survival sake I had to repress it all down inside and do my best to play the roll of supposed to be a boy thing. I never said I accepted it but to accept it I would need to talk to some body about it it.
So where did that leave me? Play out my fantasies of being a girl in the privacy of where ever I had a place where there was privacy, usually in the woods. Now as far as I am concerned I am as female as I will ever be and I never stopped reveling int the freedom to be so. I might be old in age but physically I am as fit as a teenager and have the spirit of one and I thoroughly love life and living. I wish I could impart this to every single Trans person on this board, life would be so much less complicated.
Yes, I knew from an early age that the body was wrong for how I felt inside but had no way of understanding why that was so.
Cindy
Quote from: cindybc on November 15, 2008, 12:28:44 PMYes, I knew from an early age that the body was wrong for how I felt inside but had no way of understanding why that was so.
I
fully understand! In the 1960's I felt like I was fighting my way through the dark - nobody understood, nobody could comprehend, nobody had heard anything like this. I knew
somebody had done something (Christine Jorgensen) but nobody knew what or how. I had a shrink telling me I was Gay at 15 (and telling my parents that to!) and I knew I was risking a padded cell, "aversion therapy", and other nasty consequences, but I HAD to keep trying. I met Dr. Harry Benjamin in New York in 1966 and that was the first time I met anybody who didn't think I was nuts (and a doctor no less!). I didn't truly understand it myself until I "came out the other side" in the spring of 1974 (courtesy of Dr. Stanley Biber), look back, and see how absolutely RIGHT it was for me, that I had been right all along.
It is a hell of a thing to face when you are by yourself and there is no information and no support. Thank god times have changed, thank god for the Internet, and thank god for a "system" to help those who are trying to figure it all out today!
I transitioned to full time in the summer of 2000, five months after my son died from getting struck by a truck when he was crossing the highway. There just wasn't anything holding me back then, and I had already known about what transsexuality was by that time.
My oldest daughter was my strongest supporter and I was also supporting her through some hard times she was having with her abusive ex. That ->-bleeped-<- even chased my daughter and I with his tow truck, down a back road. I thought for certain he was going to try and crowd us off the road but at the very last moment he just roared past us and kept going. I certainly was thanking every saint and angel, including all of the aliens, if they were watching, everywhere under and above heaven that night.
As for my ex, she didn't give a crap what I did. I just wish I had started transitioning sooner, but it all worked quite well with the job and the folks I associated with every day in that little town I lived in. Everyone treated me well, I have no complaints.
I had no support in my transitioning outside of my shrink whom I personally educated on trassexuality. In return he just made the appointments for the right people, which the first order of business was an evaluation by some shrinks in the city as to whether I was trans or not in order to be able to get an appointment with an endocrinologist to get on HRT. My evaluation returned and I was without doubt transsexual.
I did all the moves and the paper pushing myself so I guess I can be proud of that part at least, well not least, I also did very well in doing social work right on up to this day. Four years ago I had the surgery that would complete me as much as medical science could make me. I enjoy working with people in need, I love being with people, other women in particular. That's about it for my story in a nut shell and for some an uneventful, perhaps even boring story.
Cindy
Sometimes dreams are just that 'Dreams'. But I am not really speaking for the nighttime visualizations. Those are the subconscious working things out. Some may say that it is their spirit guides showing them signs. I am speaking of the ones we have for ourselves. I have always wanted to be a woman, wife and mother.
Woman - A happy work in progress.
Wife - that would entail having someone who loves you. And that may never happen.
Mother - Adoption, maybe. But I am not in a position to care for myself, let alone a little one. By
Marriage. Well this would entail the second and they would have to have kids or we adopt.
And my age could nullify that one.
Hey, but one out of three isn't to bad, And I am still sort of young enough to accomplish the second. Maybe ??
Sorry, Stealth hon. I am just feeling a little melodically.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcontent.sweetim.com%2Fsim%2Fcpie%2Femoticons%2F000201C1.gif&hash=f7a5ddf3e6a48ebfddc3b3fee6e727cea11182c8)
I once had a dream (before i started transitioning) that I was Princess Peach!! wtf!!?
Chrissi
Please don't hijack the thread. The thread is about "dreams." The sleeping kind, not the life-goal kind. :)
I had a dream that I took a jump off a massive cliff in order to save a woman who'd accidentally fallen over the edge, and this cliff seemed to be several miles in the sky.
Whilst I was falling, trying to get closer to the woman, I looked back and saw I was being followed by this huge bald guy with a white tiger on a leash, and... on a surfboard.
Anyway... I grabbed the lady, opened my parachute, landed deftly on the ground, and watched with satisfaction as Mr no-hair and Bitey McSharpteeth slammed into the ground, making a crater.
Lol, it was a most bizarre dream. ;D
Ok off topic post has been removed, sorry.
Cindy
A strange dream. But certainly. I had one that was very strange last night. Again, I apologise for straying off topic.
In this dream I am a third party, observing from outside a sequence of events, like watching a movie.
This handsome gentleman, about mid twenties, was dropping off his lady friend at her door to her apartment which was in a grey stone apartment building.
They exchanged a long passionate kiss, then she stepped out of the car and walked up to her door, turned, and waved good night to her lover, who was still parked curbside in his rebuilt 1960 Chevy Bel-Air, studying this ravishing beauty with the red hair in a red sparkly dress. She was a lady whom he had grown to love with with all of his being, his heart of hearts. She turned and unlocked the door and stepped in and gently closed the door behind her.
The next day finds our friend, the "handsome prince" suddenly sitting up among a jumble of sheets and blankets in his bed. Drenched in a cold sweat he got up shakily on his feet and made his way to the kitchen to draw himself a large glass of cold water, then sat a little unsteadily in a chair at the kitchen table.
A voice spoke to him across the table and our prince jumped up, startled, knocking his chair over. At the opposite end of the table sat a very well dressed gentleman, well groomed, wearing a fedora and sporting a meticulously trimmed goatee. The gentleman took his hat by the brim and nodded, smiling, then took his hat off and set it upon his right knee.
Half-naked, our prince looked at this gentleman, mouth agape, in confusion trying to remember something he may have missed.
The well groomed gentleman with the goatee pushed another chair for our prince charming to sit down, and obediently for whatever reason he couldn't figure out, he felt compelled to obey what he sensed was not just a request but a demand.
The gent with the goatee proceeded to talk to our prince, informing him that something had happened to his lover last night and to not bother trying to find her. He would not succeed.
Our prince charming thinking this night be a kidnapping of sorts began to lunge at the man with the goatee but found himself unable to.
The man with the goatee proceeded to give our prince charming some instructions as to where to find this large underground cavern and he was also informed that his lady would be there waiting for him. But in order to be with her again he would have to drive to hell itself. If he truly desired to be with her.
A little later, after haphazardly dressing up, not really caring as to what he wore, he got into his Chevy and headed out in the direction he had been given by the man with the goatee.
A short time later our prince skids to a stop with small stones and gravel spraying to the side. There it was, the entrance to a very large cavern facing the seashore a short distance away.
Stepping out of the car to investigate the cavern he could clearly hear the sound of ocean waves and seagulls in the distance.
After a short excursion within the cave our prince charming is once again seen emerging into the sunlight from the cave, getting back into his car and starting the motor. The engine roars into life as once again he leaves a spray of stones and gravel behind him. The apple green Chevy disappears into the darkness of the cavern, as our prince turns his headlights on to navigate his way down a very large cavern, which was about four freeway lanes in width.
Our prince swerved to the right, just missing a large boulder which had appeared out of nowhere ahead of him, grazing the boulder as he drove by it. The entire left side of the car appeared to have been scraped by a giant claw. The surface he drove on appeared to be getting rougher, bumpier, making it harder to control the steering. Our prince refused to let off the gas pedal in fear that he would not make the rendez-vous with his loved one as he planned.
Beads of sweat rolled down his forehead and cheeks as the temperature rose inside the car. Reaching over to turn up the air conditioning he found that the setting was already set to as high as it would go. Another hard, teeth-clattering bump nearly made him loose control of the steering wheel but our prince would not relent on the gas pedal as he leaned forward for better view of what was ahead of him.
He could see a faint orange glow in the tunnel ahead of him. "Hmmmmm, strange," he mused looking up at the upper part of the cavern that appeared to have been shored-up with wooden pillars. Above was a heavy, corrugated steel ceiling, apparently held up with large wooden cross beams, like what one would expect in an avalanche tunnel in the high mountains.
Our prince drove around a very long curved part of the tunnel as the orange light ahead grew brighter until the curve ended and the tunel again becams a straightaway. Ahead he could see where the cavern floor suddenly ended.
Our prince's right foot moved from gas to brake pedal in a blur and a grinding squeal of tires on the half-gravely and stone cavern floor, the front tires of the car finally coming to a stop at the very edge of a precipice.
Below was a sea of moving magma flowing around varying size islands of rock. Huge sheets of flame shot up here and there as he stared mesmerised across the expanse of the magma sea.
Someone spoke to him and he turned to his right to look. There she sat, his beloved, his beautiful "princess" in a red sparkly dress, the same she had worn the previous night. He reached over and gently gave her a passionate kiss.
I could see the paint bubbling and peeling off the side of the car as I watched the rubber tires smoking and bubbling, tires which by now had been worn nearly threadbare. The dream ended there. It was like a movie or real life, it was a very vivid dream.
Cindy
Sorry Steath. But it is also a recurring dream for me. I have a husband, three kids and I am happy. I always enjoy this dream when it occurs. But i also know that it is because of my life dream.
If you wish to remove it or I will if you wish.
Wow, Cindy, that does sound like a movie. Or a myth! Where was Orpheus? Oh...driving the Chevy, duh! :)
janet--if it's about the sort of dreams that go bump in one's head in the night, they go here! :)
Hi Stealthgrrl. Yea that dream was like a full length movie but the ending kind of shook me up, when I woke up I remember I was shaking Wing Walker awake to tell her about the dream. I was till shaking and sweating, it was so real.
Wish I could dream what happens after the end or maybe that was it, they just needed to be together again, the joining of souls, it is called becoming as one. Well anyway I every now and again have weird dreams but not necessarily bad ones.
Cindy
Ok, here is a weird one for you. While I slept I dreamed that I had to perform CPR on a guy. Never meet him before, it was some sort of mutant guy. I wasn't lucid, and as a former medic I felt a strong desire to save him. Anyways as i'm performing CPR I keep thinking I can't let him die. The feeling keeps building until I get the bright idea to try something. I gather all my frustration, and all my desire to save this guy and it seems to collect in my head at the forehead area. My head feels like it is going to burst, and right before I send the energy down my right arm into the guy to try and kick start his heart I feel something I can't really recall. I guess a pop in my head.
Suddenly i'm awake and my head is ringing. I hear static even though I have nothing in my apartment to produce that sound. I also hear my name and two voices talking over a great distance. I didn't understand anything but my name and they sound like they came over a radio or something. Garbled, it felt garbled.
The ringing and static noise faded in a moment, but I get the feeling I had accidentally done something without knowing it. Weird right?
Hi Terra that is a weir dream. Wonder if you didn't realy out of body and went somewhere in spirit to save someones life and upon awakening the pop you heard and your head ringing was your spirit self rejoining with the body and for a few seconds there your senses are still connected to the scene you were at where people were talking around the person you were giving CPR too. I t would be nice if those folks were talking to the person you were trying to resuscitate and someone there that knew you noticed you weren't there anymore called out your name. Well so much for my dream interpretations. But I have read of similar happenings.
Also thank you so much for posting on this thread I had lost it.
Cindy
Here is one I thought you might find interesting to read Stealthgrrl that I have been saving for you. Have you ever heard of soap opera dreams?
This was a two part dream on two different nights that I thought you might be interested in.
It began two nights ago, I was invited to a ballet at this ancient medieval castle. Nicely groomed courtyard complete with bushes containing blooms of many different types and colors. There was a thick forest all around. The only other building I could see was what appeared to be an old disused mill of sorts, built of stones and mortar. I was wearing a long gown, the style of the medieval days, and I was being escorted by this lovely prince charming-type gentleman.
We entered the main ballroom and all about there milled every type of person you would expect for the day, mainly merchants, entertainers, princes and princesses and other gentleman along with their lady escorts. All were making their way toward the dining area.
The dining area consisted of several large tables with ornate wooden chairs. At both ends of the table sat two huge golden candlelabra containing large, burning wax candles. Servants were abuzz going back and forth setting up the china and silverware while others ushered in the aromatic platters of steaming food to be set on the tables.
My escort pulled a chair back for me to sit. I sat, then he nodded politely and pulled a chair back next to me to sit, then he sat. A clanging sound rang out and the crowd that now sat at the table fell quiet while the bell-ringer set the bell on the table, then sat.
An elderly gentleman got up and made a speech about one of the ladies and her escort who sat across the table from me. When the elder gentleman sat, the lady got up and recited a short speech, then she sat down. She was the princess of some neighboring kingdom and was to be wedded to the gentleman sitting beside her at some time later in the evening.
No sooner had supper begun than a disturbance broke out at another table behind me. I heard two men shouting at each other, then musket fire, after which all hell broke loose and the whole place was bedlam.
My escort took my hand and told me to follow, and to not dawdle, for it could cost us our lives. We ran across the terrrace and the courtyard. Still holding my hand my escort pointed to the old mill I had spotted upon arrival. By then I could hear many voices behind us, women screaming, swords clattering, and men bellowing out in pain. I did not dare stop to look back. I gathered my skirts about me and kept running toward the vacant mill.
Once in the mill my escort stopped abruptly, still holding onto my hand. I nearly lost my balance with the sudden stop. He was desperately looking around the jumbled room we stood in. He spotted a set of stone stairs among the shambles across the room and resumed moving forward, stepping around the rubble left from years of disuse. We began climbing the stairs two at a time where possible then stopping momentarily to move some debris that had fallen across the stairs through the years, then continuing to climb until we were on the second level. We momentarily stopped to listen. Below us we could hear the muffled sound of many voices.
My escort again looked wildly around the room then darted forward again toward another set of stone stairs to the third level. We went up and then up once more on another set of stairs to the roof of the ancient mill.
He walked over to the edge of the roof where he looked down. When I looked down I felt like my heart had skipped a beat and my face must have blanched in fear. Then he ordered me to take off all the clothes I could as he proceeded to take his own clothes off. He stopped momentarily in mid-stride of taking his trousers off and said, "Just take the gown off. I need it to make some type of rope to climb down. I beleive once we get down to the forest below we will be safe. The king's men will not enter the Black Forest."
Tying the make shift rope to one of the parapets on the roof of the ancient mill he let it fall towards the forest floor. It came about 15 feet short of the ground. "With some luck we may make the jump the rest of the way without breaking anything," he informed me. I remember thinking, "How did I ever get into this? How did I get here to begin with?"
So we beagn to climb down the rope and everything was fine until about half-way down. I heard what I thought was a ripping sound then a snapping and I am finding myself free-falling towards the forest floor! I closed my eyes and spread my arms out then I felt the wind against my face and my hair fluttering behind me.
When I opened my eyes I saw the long sleeves of my silk undershirt fluttering behind my arms. They had the appearance of white wings. I looked below and I saw the tops of the trees of the Black Forest moving below me like I was flying. "I am flying!" I thought to myself aloud.
I came to the edge of a cliff then I began to lose altitude but gradually and slowly descended until I landed on top of a tree that had fallen against the cliff. It lay at about a forty-five degree angle. I remember the rough bark under me after I landed. I sat upon the tree trunk then shinnied down the rest of the way to the ground. I could hear a river not far away.
I walked toward the sound and came out to a clearing. There was a wide gravelly shoreline on both sides of the blue river that rippled and gurgled its way around some stones and waterlogged sunken logs and other debris. The sky was a deep blue and dotted with a few white clouds and all was silent outside of a few birds and the gurgling of the river and the whispering of the breeze at the top of the giant trees that lined both sides to the river banks.
I stood knee deep in the cool clean river water with the breeze fluttering the long sleeves of my undershirt as I raised my arms then closed my eyes once more as though in preparation to take flight once more.
Cindy
End of part One
Part two
I find myself walking across the courtyard of the same castle, I am carrying a fairly large basket of eatable goods in my right hand and a bag of flour over my left shoulder and my sisters three children following at my side. Looking down I look at the blue worn and faded dress I was wearing, then remembered that pretty gown in that store window then turned away to go to the market place to purchase a few items of food for my sisters children and for the other girls whom had pooled resources together to buy the food. We all resided in a large subterranean chamber under the old mill. I made my way down the passageway and down some stone stairs that lead to the chambers below.
The passage was lit by dim electrical light bulbs and wires which were just strung from one concrete spike to another which had been haphazardly pounded into the concrete, the wires drooped the distance between spikes. I remembered myself over time buying what I could and if there were no other means I stole what I could of the wires, the lights, and fixtures from a local hardware shop in another near by village. Much of the electrical wiring and fixtures in the main chamber had been strung up by me along with the help of a few of the girls.
I knocked three rapid times on the heavy wooden door then heard the rusty ancient hinges screeching as the door opened slowly. It was Beth and she was obviously looking both anxiously and excitedly at me, she nodded, smiling hugely then hastily pulled the heavy door open the rest of the way. Dianna and Jade ran up to me Jade relieved me of the heavy basket and Beth took the bag while Dianna was incessantly enquiring about the latest happenings down at the village, especially if I had seen her cousin Doreen and what she had been up to.
Jade set the basket on a heavy ancient wooden table and Beth set the bag along side of it. Soon after a meal was mustered up hastily and set on the table every one eagerly pulled up a chair and the feast began. I looked around the table at the rag tag bunch of girls whom I had become quite fond of after a few years of banding together we had become like a tight knit family. We had all come here a few years back to escape from the rough shod abusive treatment that girls such as we were quite susceptible and likely to end up with such would be male masters. Regretfully to many young homeless girls fell victim to this type.
I and some of the other girls had jury rigged a furnace in the main chamber which helped to keep the dampness down and kept the temperature fairly comfortable. There was also a boiler attached so the furnace and we had hot water for baths and cooking. We had also restored an ancient stone fire place where the girls could sit around the open flames and share their day with each other, some busied themselves sewing garments and others did quilt work and other crafts from different pieces of cloth and what ever other baubles they could scavenge, barter for, or if no other recourse steal on their occasional visits in the village.
None of the girls were older then their late teens, myself being one of the oldest at 19 years old. One place was off limits by mutual agreement by all of us, and that was none of us would ever even contemplate, let alone dare to venture out anywheres within sight of the castle, including myself. For the exception of maybe watching from a safe distance on the mill's roof top which was four floors above ground level. It would be almost impossible for anyone to enter the old mill since all entrances had been blocked off by debris that the girls had built up through the years. Unless someone knew where the week points were it would be a nearly impenetrable fortress.
A pathway had been cleared through the years through the Black Forest which meandered it's way around the castles grounds to come out just outside the village. The village was a risky enough place to go but it was necessary for the existence and survival of the band of girls of which I was part of. The girls bartered, sold arts and crafts, or did any odd jobs around the village, and if necessary, steal what they needed for the sustenance and survival of the band of girls who lived under the mill.
One night I was awoken by a loud crash and a babble of men's voices, A light suddenly lit up the room. my sister three children had begun to whimper and rubbing their eyes having been rudely awakened. I ushered them under the bed and was in the process of crawling under myself when I felt something tighten around my leg at this very instant I heard all the other girls screaming, glass being broken then silence. The other girls had been made to stand against the wall while another man picked up the kids and began to walk away with them, I moved forward and was stopped by one of those infidel pigs holding a knife to my throat.
No one else had been taken all were accounted for except my sisters three kid. I knew this wasn't the work of the village folks, it was from the castle where my sister had been held by the resident priest who had claimed my sister unclean because she was living alone with three children and no husband. She was being held to atone for her sins. I also knew that someone now had the knowledge of the main entrance to our safe place, the one and only week point. An informant. So now there may no longer be safety even among us, I began to cry at this thought.
The next day I found Dennise shaking me awake. I sat up as she said in an urgent loud frantic voice, "You must come, you need to come right now!" We came out unto the path in the Black Forest and I began to walk towards the path but Dennise pulled me back and pointed around the side of the mill. We came out on the other side of the mill unto the open grounds that led towards the castle. Two men stood there holding a woman between them.
They pushed the woman and she stumbled forward then ran right towards me and began to beat me on the shoulders crying and cursing that I had let them get her children. After she calmed down some I told her what had happened the she feigned crying on my shoulder then whispered to me in my ear, beggingly "Please help me escape the priests custody and help me get my children back. I responded, whispering back that I would do what ever I could.
I sat at the table that night, pondering, I stared at the flickering flames and the snaping of the wood burning in the fire place. I though about the maze of tunnels that ran between different areas of the castle and the mill all that would be needed is a rough map of the layout of the different parts of the castle.
Later that night I stood on the roof of the mill watching the lights slowly going out here and there in the windows of the castle. When all was in darkness except for a few faint lights I spread my arms and the veil at my back appeared to miraculously manifest into wings and I flew over the grounds and over the castle.
The next day I sat at the table studiously poring over the make shift map of the different roughly drawn floor plans of the castle. Dianna brought over a coffe for me and queried as to what I was planning, and I pointed out to her my plans on how to get my sister away from the priests custody. Dianna informed me that if I were to execute this plan that I would need at least a couple of helpers to stand watch for her at the very least. She then added, "shortly after wards we will be in readiness to evacuate the mill."
I am fully aware that no amount of barricades now will keep us safe, and all the girls put together with what few weapons they have would not sufice to keep us safe from the Kings men from the castle after this rescue mission whether succesful or not." "How do you propose to get the kids out?" she asked. I informed her that I knew where the kids were located and that they would be the easier part of the rescue mission. Dianna then asked me if I had any plans after the rescue has been acomplished? "And I do pray it is all a successful rescue she added." A sharp twinge of pain went through me and a tear formed at the corner of my right eye. I only responded in a low soft voice, I will go where ever you wish for me to go my sister. She embraced me and only said one word very softly, "sister."
The following night the resident priest never knew what hit him. I flew as quietly as a ghost and struck the priest on the back of the head with his own heavily ornamented Bible. I took the keys that I had watched him use the night before to unlock the cell to my sister was held in Dianna and Jade both watching opposite ends of the halfway, both motioned that all was clear then I proceeded to unlock my sisters cell and when the cell door opened and the hallway light streamed into the cell I could see my sister about to let out a blood curdling scream. I rushed forward her and put my hand on her mouth just in time, all that could be heard was a loud Mmmmmmph!
At the ground level floor I drifted through a window into this apartment then gathered the three children in my arms and flew back out through the window. I knew the flight would be short with the extra weight I carried, but as I had known, Betty had already opened the front gate for us to walk out. To the left and right lay two unconscious guards, I just marveled at Beth's work and just said, you do know how to handle that little weapon don't you? A bag filed with musket balls. That was as far as the dream went.
Cindy
One strange thing about dreams is that there is a certain house that has recurred in my dreams for decades, a house I have never seen in my waking state but seen so often in my dreams that I could draw the floor plan and sketch the furnishings of many of the rooms. It is a VERY unusual house (architecturally) with an odd layout - very unique. It occurs so often in my dreams that I wonder if I have lived another life in that house (or am maybe living a concurrent life there!)
I have two recurrent dreams since as far back as I can remember. One is of a girl in her early teens and she is sitting on this ratty couch and I can see water stains on the gyprock ceiling and walls at the base of the wall is a three foot high base border made out of dark brown varnished tongue and groove wooden slats. There is a door with a glass pain in it and I can see sleet coming down. It is chilly in the house and the girl is pulling down on her skirt in an attempt to warm her knees. Great Depression days
Another is on a little girl standing on a board walk and the street is all muddy. Behind her stood some buildings that appear like the type out of an old western movie, 1800's? She appears to be waiting for someone or something as she is looking both ways. She is wearing a blue dress with white frilly hem and sleeves. Two blue ribbons in her hair. She appears to be looking straight at me, like she can see me then I wake up.
I would love to get hypnotically regressed. I do believe that we retain some past memories from other lives, like deja vu, to frequently to be wrote off as coincidence.
Cindy
Quote from: Northern Jane on December 26, 2008, 04:11:24 AM
One strange thing about dreams is that there is a certain house that has recurred in my dreams for decades, a house I have never seen in my waking state but seen so often in my dreams that I could draw the floor plan and sketch the furnishings of many of the rooms. It is a VERY unusual house (architecturally) with an odd layout - very unique. It occurs so often in my dreams that I wonder if I have lived another life in that house (or am maybe living a concurrent life there!)
I find that extremely interesting! I wonder what that house means, to you? Clearly it has significance for you or it wouldn't keep turning up!
Often, in dreams, I have the sensation of either having been in the situation before, or else, within a dream, there will be memory of events that went on before the time of the dream, events that have not actually happened to me but which seem as real as any other memory within the context of the dream.
I would love to know if you ever figure out your "dream house"!
From about 12-13 or so on, I would consistently dream about this woman who was on a high hill, beckoning me to her. Try as hard as I would, I could never quiet reach her. Just when we were about to touch hands, I'd wake up. I loved this woman in my heart, and I wanted to know who she was for a long long time. I thought maybe I was seeing a premonition of some one I'd meet, or otherwise knew somehow.
I even wrote poems about the woman on the hill. She was always in a white flowing gown, and had long blonde hair.
After I started hormones, about 8 months or so in, I had a dream about her where we finally came together, and embraced.
I kissed her, and she slowly faded away in my arms...I turned around, and saw myself in this huge mirror on the hill. I became her, and I fell to the ground crying, and then I saw this little boy floating away in the air...he was smiling..then he disappeared.
I began to descend the hill, and people didn't know me anymore...I was frightened.
I woke up, sweating and shaking, and my bed was a mess.
Then I knew what I already knew for so long anyways...I was chasing my self, and she was my soul song.
Thanks, Rene! Yes, that was my notion of what it was as soon as i read the beginning of your post, that the woman was you, or represented your truer self!
I'm glad you posted this!