Well this last week has been very interesting. I have been coiming out to everyone and today it was my brothers time to learn about my Tg life.
In all of this I am wondering why I am not in control. It seams like my sub-consious is in control and running the program. I would realy like to get rid of this so I can have my old life back (it was not that bad). Unfortunatly my sub-consious is shutting myself down and forcing me to face to being tg or indeed the possibility of being TS. I still do not want to transistion and I still feel like I should continue to be a male.
However now everything is out my sub-consious is free to do as it please. So on Friday I am planning to have my hair done and my ears pieced. My Feminine side is free to grow inside and have the life it despiratly wants.
How can I control this Sub-consious self.
My guess - everyone is going to tell me to 'enjoy the ride'.
Alice
Well, my take on that is simply that there is no "how to". You simply do. Even so though, it is far FAR better to figure out WHY...
Quit running and quit hiding.
You can neither outrun nor hide from yourself, so why try?
Given that, I suggest finding a nice quiet place to think and give up resisting and just be open to what you are, whatever that is.
For what my thoughts are worth...
Welcome to the world of being transgendered and why this is not a choice.
Melissa
Quote from: Melissa on July 24, 2006, 02:00:07 AM
Welcome to the world of being transgendered and why this is not a choice.
Melissa
Thanks Mellissa,
Sounds like I will just have to enjoy the ride.
Alice
But you can somewhat control the speed.
Take a step and see how it goes. Then take another step if it feels right.
The still, quiet voice speaks to me in the belly chakra, the yellow chakra, aka the solar plexus.
Rush slowly.
Robyn
I think you reached the point where you controlled "too much". Your sub concious told you, "hey, thats not what you want, its my turn". Maybe got sick of suppressing yourself to the point where it lead to massive confussion, because it was time to make yourself known. Give your subconcious a chance at the wheel. You might find yourself breaking free of that confusion that you been experiencing the last few months. Reinforce any of you subconcious decisions and find out where you want to go, and how it feels going that way.
Quote from: Alice on July 23, 2006, 11:53:31 PM
I still do not want to transistion and I still feel like I should continue to be a male.
Ok, this particular statement bothers me. Do you feel like you should be male because other people want you to be or do you feel like that's how you want to live. Remember, you do not
have to transition, especially if you don't identify with being a female. It's possible that you may be a dual-role ->-bleeped-<- (Lives as female everywhere except at work). You would have to check with your therapist on that one. The idea is to find a balance that works for you.
Melissa
Alice, you should be sitting down and doing a lot of thinking. Then go to your therapist and discuss the war between your inner self and your outer self. You need to get balanced out here, like what Melissa said. Don't do anything for anyone except yourself, then you will be happy.
Sheila
Quote from: Melissa on July 24, 2006, 11:44:16 AM
Ok, this particular statement bothers me. Do you feel like you should be male because other people want you to be or do you feel like that's how you want to live. Remember, you do not have to transition, especially if you don't identify with being a female. It's possible that you may be a dual-role ->-bleeped-<- (Lives as female everywhere except at work). You would have to check with your therapist on that one. The idea is to find a balance that works for you.
Melissa
I mainly said that statement because while I have feminene traits I still do not consisder myself female. Yes I am open to transistion if that is where I need to go. As many people said 'I did not have a choice in transistion' and if that is where I am heading then I need to recognise that.
Alice
I guess the point is that transition can mean many different things. For you, it may not mean transitioning to having a female body, but perhaps a transition in the way you live your life. Don't focus narrowly on the classic transsexual transition, especially if this may not be right for you.
Melissa
Hi Alice,
I personally beleive control is an illusion. I think many of us would like to think we are in control of things, but the reality of it, is that we are not. Ask yourself this, when was the last time things turned out like you thought they would? Someone could come crashing into your house right now, and injure or kill you, completely out of your control. Watch the news, it happens all the time.
Having said all of that, I understand what it means to have the need, even compulsion to let others, particularly those close to me, know I was TS. The lies and deceptions harm us. We never wanted to lie and the desire to put that behind us and regain our self esteem can be quite strong. I think it has more to do with giving up the lie than your subconscience taking control. It feels good to come clean.
Love always,
Elizabeth
I think the only thing that can tell us the right thing for us, is that little voice inside of us (all people), that leads us in the right direction and sometimes tells us to do things we are afraid to do.
Take that voice, go with it, add your whole thoughts, mind, heart, might, and actions, and you will go the right way.
I try going the wrong way. For me that was going back the way I came and it hurt so bad I just wanted to quite this life (lay down and die). So I learned going back to the guy I once pretended to be was not right for me anymore.
You need to find what is right for you Alice, but don't burn your bridges until you know that you are happier on the side you want to be on. Slow but steadly forward. If you go the wrong way and you are honesy with yourself you will realize it.
What I'm trying to say is go for it, if you make a mistake just back-off and go another way.
Remember if you not going somewhere than your going nowhere.
:)
Jillieann
Well Alice won again,
My ears are pieced. It was a bit scary but I am a bit happier now.
Alice
Hi Alice, I remember I pierced my ears on Saturday October 15, 2005. It was less than a week after coming out to myself, but for some reason the drive to transition was already in place at that point. It's a good step, because males can wear earrings and you can always let the holes close up if you decided transition wasn't for you.
Melissa
Great Alice,
Yes when I did mine I was a bit afraid too. I did them before my birthday last year in july. Takes a little bit till it heals fully, like a month or month and a half. And have to keep rubbing alcohol on them to keep them sterile.
Quote from: Alice on July 24, 2006, 11:55:50 PM
Well Alice won again,
...
*nudge* YOU won again...
Quote from: Alice on July 24, 2006, 11:55:50 PM...
I am a bit happier now.
...
Odd isn't it?
Why would driving metal into one's ear make one feel better?
*shrug* As I commented to my dad some time ago, it isn't smart but I like it anyway.
Control is an illusion.
Free will isn't so free, it always comes at a cost.
Jessica
Getting my ears pierced and getting contact lenses (no more boy eyeglasses fer me!) were the first things I did, a week after my fateful Halloween party. I date the beginning of my transition to that date - Nov 7, 2003 - even though i didn't really admit to myself WHY I was really doing it until more than a year and a half later. (and yeah, it's taking me a LOOOONG time! ;))
So, Good for YOU Alice!
Quote from: AliceI still do not want to transistion and I still feel like I should continue to be a male.
btw - of course you are MALE - that's BIOLOGY - but who are you without the body? Can you think of it that way?
You'll get through this, hon' - I know you will and you'll be the better for it.
helen
Quote from: HelenW on July 25, 2006, 10:10:45 PM
but who are you without the body?
Great question! :)
Melissa
I can't help but think that this was ALL scripted out long ago. Sometimes I swear the only time I feel a sense of "choice" is when I'm finding ways to avoid the role I'd scripted for myself back at the beginning. Fate. Destiny. I... musn't... submit. Must... maintain... control.
Over what? The increasing pain, hopelessness and torture?
There really is no choice. You brain is physically different from a non-transsexual and you are attempting to use it in a way that doesn't work and it is wearing out. You have now figured out what must be done to use it the way for which it was designed, but still you resist. It will wear you out soon enough.
Melissa
Now I would like a few necklaces and some other thing to make my look complete. I can see I am now well and truly on my way. I have had a few days of work to rest after last week and enjoy being in my feminine clothes.
Alice
PS Yes I am finding resistence is futile
Alice,
My friend, it sounds like you are fighting your ->-bleeped-<- even more that what I did! :D
May I make a suggestion? Go someplace where you can be alone and talk outloud. If talking to yourself bothers you, ask a friend who knows about Alice to come along and listen ONLY. No advice allowed from your friend! It doesn't have to be for days - even just a few hours where you can talk.
I read your posts and truly understand what you are going through. The confusion level is peaking off the scale. The stress level has probably raised your blood pressure significanlty. Sucicide may have even crept into your thoughts now and then. Nothing serious, but something to relieve the pain and confusion.
I know that I work hard to stay wings-level. Turbulence throws me all over the emotional sky. I can't always maintain my altitude, but, if I stay wings level, I can keep moving forward. My steps are small. What has helped me stay wings-level is both talking with someone and talking alone to myself.
Feel free to email me if you need someone to talk with.
Chaunte
Chaunte,
I am certainly not going to try and run away again.
I have had my dark days but with the help of everyone here, my friends, my dotor and consillor I am sure I can get through.
I have accepted I am TG a long time ago. I still do not know what that means and if I am TS. These are the issues I am working through now.
Alice
Posted at: July 27, 2006, 01:11:42 PM
LOL- Well I did some more shopping today.
I brought some hig-healed shoes - the ones I have wanted for a while but I did not buy when I was a guy. I have had my hair permed and eyebrowse and eyelashes tinted. I think the eyebrowse are a bit dark but appart from that all is good.
Alice
Posted at: July 28, 2006, 04:40:12 PM
Having told Chaunte I am not going to run - tonight I just want to do that. I can feel myself torn in two again. Tomorrow I have to face work and tell everyone everything is ok. I just hope I do not fall apart like a did the previous week.
Alice
Alice, you know longer have to put on your guy disgise. I know its hard with out him to protect you, but he also held you back.
You can do it girl.
I know you can walk into work and be the beautiful woman that you are.
Don't worry about how other acts it their problem not yours. Some people may turn away but others will only want the best for you.
Think of it this way your on a new journey a real adventure you are learning and grown into the person you only dreamed you could be.
Remember
Just relax and be yourself. Do your job. Everthing will work out.
Don't worry about how other will react.
I know that you can do it Alice.
You can email me if you want to talk more.
Your TS Sister,
:)
Jillieann
Alice........ again best of luck, Your one tough and brave cookie...... I wish I had your guts and strenght :)
Everything will work out for you Im sure *hugs*
Feeling better now- things are ok at work.
:) :) :)
Alice
PS I know running is not going to work
Who is ever "in control?"
There's too many factors in life.
BUT...
I'd hate life if I controlled it all.
SO yes,
ENJOY THE RIDE.
And give me a ticket if you can!
Ah, but we do have a lot of control. Much more than we realize. Maybe not control of the Gender Dysphoria, but control of how we live our lives. I have completely reshaped my life and that was definitely in my control.
Melissa
Quote from: Kate on July 25, 2006, 11:11:45 PM
I can't help but think that this was ALL scripted out long ago. Sometimes I swear the only time I feel a sense of "choice" is when I'm finding ways to avoid the role I'd scripted for myself back at the beginning. Fate. Destiny. I... musn't... submit. Must... maintain... control.
Over what? The increasing pain, hopelessness and torture?
Fate has but ONE variable,
the choice of sentient beings eg: HUMANS.
Quote from: Melissa on August 31, 2006, 10:37:17 PM
Ah, but we do have a lot of control. I have completely reshaped my life and that was definitely in my control.
Melissa
Ah My dear friend whom I haven't conversated with in so long Control??
Why is it we all have this need to feel in control of something...??
You had control to reshape your life however look how long it took you to find and use that control! No way directed at you negatively my dear just something to lets say marinate on!
For ALL,
Control Is somewhat of an illusion in my opinion one can never really control anything there are always those unknown factors that will effect your control over anything so why bother with the illusion of control and just say I have a handle on the situation even know I know it can become outta control
[/quote]
Fate has but ONE variable,
the choice of sentient beings eg: HUMANS.
[/quote]
Kudos to you or whereever you got that one from ANNYWYN.
Bye ALL
Quote from: Chynna on August 31, 2006, 11:09:57 PM
Control Is somewhat of an illusion in my opinion one can never really control anything there are always those unknown factors that will effect your control over anything so why bother with the illusion of control and just say I have a handle on the situation even know I know it can become outta control
I say we do have a certain amount of control. Perhaps not control over
everything, but over some things. For instance, I have contol enough to respond to your post, so that alone invalidates your claim that we don't have control over anything. Don't confuse control with complete control.
Melissa
I had control over myself.
I forced the real me to hid deep inside. A secret that I even forgot.
I have controlled me feeling push them deep inside. I came to the place were I could not feel.
I became my own almost soulless robot.
What all this control did was not good. Was destructive. Was dishonest. Was self hatred.
It didn't help me or anyone else.
I can not control others my surroundings the future or the world. So what good is control?
I given up any control that I though I had.
Jillieann
Quote from: Jillieann on September 01, 2006, 05:16:04 AM
I can not control others my surroundings the future or the world. So what good is control?
That is true, but you can influence their control, just as they can influence your control. :)
Melissa
Quote from: Chynna on August 31, 2006, 11:09:57 PM
Quote
Fate has but ONE variable,
the choice of sentient beings eg: HUMANS.
Kudos to you or whereever you got that one from ANNYWYN.
That's all on me.
Posted on: September 01, 2006, 09:42:07 AM
My view on life:
2% of life, is what HAPPENS to you. The other 98% is all about how you react.You can't control everything, but you can always control yourself. Don't even try to convice yourself otherwise.
Well I dont know Alice,
Seems to me you have placed yourself in a position where you really have nowhere else to go but forward. So in that sense you have relinquished your control of the situation.
However exactly how you go about becoming Alice is still under your control. Dignity, grace and a sense of humour hun, keep them and you will be OK :)
Love Rana