I've seen a couple of times here and there, and have experienced this myself, so I wanted to post this question.
Have you had a sort of amnesia of your childhood years? Lapses in memory?
I have noticed that I have to really try hard sometimes to remember my childhood between the ages of 5 and 18 or so. I remember most of the big events like vacations with the family, Christmas, and other things. However, for most of my life during that time I have to think really hard to dig up the details. I know that when you're young a lot of things get forgotten, but it seems like I have a substantial amount that I just don't remember. I am thinking it may have to do with me somehow blocking out my childhood. My childhood wasn't the greatest, so maybe instead of having to deal with that my mind just subconsciously blocked those memories. Ever since I started transition I've noticed an increase in my ability to focus on things and remember my life. It's like I was just going through life in a zombie state, not aware of what I was doing. It's really weird because I'm only 23 and having such large gaps in memory from as late as my high school years is interesting.
Anyone else experience this?
I definately believe you can block "bad" memories.
Not necessarily "facts" like a trip to X for vacation, but specific scenes from the trip. I have no real childhood memories until around 8 because of something that happened. If I sit long enough I can come up with a few specific things.
Unfortunately I'm afraid we (Ts) are better than average at denying things that make us uncomfortable because its a survival trait.
I do not remember most of my childhood. I remember somethings, where we lived, some friends. But for the most part I just can't remember. I see old films of trips and things, but I don't remember them.
Janet
I have no problem remembering things from my childhood, I choose to "leave them behind", though. I hated virtually everything about my life up until I was 21 and it's best left in the past as far as I am concerned. I tend to get very irritated when people bring up my childhood. I would rather smack myself in the head with a hammer than talk about that era.
i remember it all extremely well actually.
I can remember most of my childhood. It's the years I spent in depression that I've blocked. From 11 to 17 all I can remember the facts such as 'went to this place at this time.' I can only remember a few specifics of things that actually happened. I know I was tormented by other kids at my school, but what they actually said and did to me are blocked by mind. I guess those years were just too painful to remember.
I, too, remember quite a bit. I had a pretty decent childhood, with the exception of not being born bio-male. Though tomboys were fairly accepted in the 60s and 70s. I do recall spending lots of my teen years kind of in a fog, worrying about my body developing curves and such, also went through a period of anorexia followed by bulimia in college (body image issues anyone?!). My family was fairly traditional and conservative and not dysfunctional. I have no regrets about how my life has played out so far.
I'm probably fairly odd, though!!
Jay, enjoying the Zen of T!!
I have far too many gaps like these in my memories. Sometimes I see home videos of stuff and still can't remember it happening to me. Sometimes I only remember the bad bits of my childhood, like parents yelling or getting in trouble at school (which happened rarely for me) and being bullied. I don't know if it's a self defense mechanism or I just remember the things that went badly so I don't ever make the same mistakes again...but I don't remember everything. A little blip here and there.
I think these holes in my memory have progressed so greatly that I forget things that happen recently that may or may not be important, my mind has just taken the liberty of helping me forget EVERYTHING and now its too late to stop it.
WOW!!! That sounds just like me. I had a very difficult childhood, and cannot remember big sections of my life between 7 and 18 like it was lost somewhere in my mind. That was a very difficult thing for my therapist and me to understand. She wanted me to bring in pictures of when I was younger and ask me questions about them. What was I doing how I was feeling...etc. I am 30 now and none of the memories have return even on HRT. I do however remember the bad times very well, and the people who where there and what they did.
Holly
Anything prior to age 8 is a complete blur, I don't remember anything. Between 8 and 17 is foggy, I only remember bits and pieces. After about 17 to now, things have cleared up and I remember most of everything.
Jenn
I thought it might just be me. Everything is a big blur before I started HRT, but things only get slightly better until about the January this year when I went full time. But I can't really recall the past year, but then again a lot has happened even over the last few days. Even so I wonder if being the kind of person who never really looks back might have something to do with it.