So my brother, who some of you may recall disowned me, and wished I were dead, is coming home soon.
So back to boy clothes for a few days -_-
But basically, even after I'm out to him, my mom wants me to bind when I come home until he's graduated from high school. She expects me to remain in the closet and NOT tell my friends, while simultaneously saying I'm a bad friend for not coming out to a couple of them. She thinks that I'd be selfish to everyone in the family, and that It'd be like her, "running down the street naked," to not hide who I am when I came home from being myself in college. I told her she was treating me like a second rate kid, and to just leave me alone. She just kept going and going and going.
I cant wait to leave this hellhole. I hate them. In order to hate something, loving it in the first place is a partial requirement. I mean... You could only passionately hate to the worst level what used to be with you.
I hate this
I hate this
HATE
She claims to have never said something she blatantly did once. Two things: Disowning me, and saying, "I wish you were aborted," and saying, "I hope you don't become an artist, and learn to be something useful like a plumber or something."
I said, "I don't trust you." And you know what? I didn't. I recorded this argument this time. Too bad It made me sound worse, cause she was more calm. Things are never as they seem. And my voice sounds like crap. I think it needs more training.
Augh... This is killing me. So I went downstairs to get some dinner, and saw her and went, "Should I paint myself white like MLK?"
And the dinner had flies all over it, cause they forgot to put it away. I had had a stomach ache earlier. AWESOME.
Your family is a bunch of screw-ups.
Seriously. There's no reason for a mother to treat her child that way. It's a big change, yeah, but there are many parents who deal with it and CONTINUE SUPPORTING THEIR CHILD. It pisses me off!
Things are going to get better. You won't be there forever. Keep us posted.
Some pretty horrible things for a mother to say to her child. I'm sorry, D. This really sucks.
Baby,
I am being a real B**** now but, S**** them. Be yourself.
If they wish to disown. Then beat them to the punch and disown them. However ( as she back pedals ) if you are depended on them for living arrangements, financial, etc. Forget what I said.
Girl, you have to be you, not need to be, but have to be.
Yes , I am being a b, but I really, really, really hate the "Others" telling us what to do. ..!.. them.
Sorry, girl but power to us!
Janet
I'm trying to be myself. Its just really overwhelmingly hard cause I ripped myself apart to find out what was at the core. Now I'm rebuilding by I'm weak, and young, and deformed.
It takes a while damn it!
And it doesn't help that she insists I EFFING BIND when I come home for THANKSGIVING. WHAT THANKS WOULD I HAVE? I mean... If I were FtM this would be less difficult if tits are apparently the worst things ever... I mean. Apparently wars are started over them. I hate humanity now...
...
I HATE IT
I think Binding would cause medical problems for developing breasts. I wouldnt advise doing so.
And really what is the worst thing that could happen if you just said F them all, and went about your day being who the heck you are.
Eventually shoving this issue into thier faces hard enough may cause them to get it.
You obviously told your parents seeking support and love and recieved the exact oppisite.
Ask your parents if they really want to be the type of people who turn thier backs to thier daughter, and ask them to understand exactly what that means when you and they get older and reflect on your Guy's relationship.
Quote from: Jordan on August 28, 2008, 03:29:42 AM
I think Binding would cause medical problems for developing breasts. I wouldnt advise doing so.
And really what is the worst thing that could happen if you just said F them all, and went about your day being who the heck you are.
Eventually shoving this issue into thier faces hard enough may cause them to get it.
You obviously told your parents seeking support and love and recieved the exact oppisite.
Ask your parents if they really want to be the type of people who turn thier backs to thier daughter, and ask them to understand exactly what that means when you and they get older and reflect on your Guy's relationship.
Well...
I'm debating this right now. The fact that my mom is still the person who supports me for the most part. A job isn't gonna make a dent in my college. Maybe living expenses, but not much else.
So I'm their dancing puppet for now...
I swear.
I'm the one who's choosing their damn nursing home and I'm the one whos supposed to support them when they get older. WTF>!>>!>!>!>!
And she stubbornly thinks she did what in her opinion was the right thing.
She expects me to act like I love her, cause shes my mom.
I hate it.
Ok, Ok I hear you on the fact that they support you with living arrangements, food, college expenses, ect, ect....
But heres the thing, There is no way they expect you to support them in the future.
That is something you have taken onto yourself in its entirety.
Its apparent, I felt the same way, we see our parents struggling and we have a deep seeded need to want to help them, but we are too young and immature to be capable in this modern society of doing so.
So That is one thing you will have to drop, ITS NOT YOUR responisbility to take care of them.
And Even though she is stubborn in thinking you should love her, to some degree she is right, you should respect your elders opinions.
But just respect, you are your own person and have your own right to choose your own path in life.
Also They owe you the right of eternal love and understanding, and even if they choose not to always grant you that, somewhere deep down in them it is still there.
Best of luck dev,
Jordan
Thanks..
I would respect her opinion more if she were SANE.
I can't respect an opinion of a person who's hormones are even more in the wrong place than mine, AND that she is violent, and probably majorly manic and psychotic....
Thanks though. I do appreciate Jordan...
Stop reading my mail, Devious.
My mother's reaction was, "I never want to see you again." My brother's reaction was "you're killing our mother." Another relative said supportive things out of one side of her mouth, while telling me I was going against god, and that I had a disorder, out of the other.
My mother backed off, just a bit, from her original stance. She wanted to come over and see me, where I was recovering at home, alone, from my surgeries. But she wanted a promise that I would dress male. Because she seemed to be giving an inch or two, I agreed, just that one time, though it felt obscene. I wore sweats. The next time, she wanted me to do it again, and i refused.
Except for my mother, I lost my entire family by transitioning, or should I say, because of their attitudes regarding it. And I lost them in short order. As for my mother, she will deal with me one on one, but let the paltriest neighbor drop by and she wont introduce me (not just not as her daughter...not at ALL) and the last time I was there she was asked if I were "that girl who comes by and helps you sometimes." and she answered "yes." I've never been back.
But she calls. Most of the time I let the machine get it. She says, "I love you" just as if she actually knew the meaning of the word.
It's a thorn in my heart, the family stuff.
(((((((((((((((((devious)))))))))))))))
Stealth
yes hunny im so sorry to hear this too, why do people become discusting just because you change gender is beyond me but your story certainly rang familar bells with me.
All i can say is when you gain independance and take more control of your life the hateful people seem far less significant even if they are family.
Small consolation i know but sacrifice is usually a transgenders most well known trait.
Quote from: Stealthgrrl on August 28, 2008, 07:19:18 AM
My mother's reaction was, "I never want to see you again." My brother's reaction was "you're killing our mother." Another relative said supportive things out of one side of her mouth, while telling me I was going against god, and that I had a disorder, out of the other.
Where do they GET this nonsense?!?! How do people GET AWAY with justifying their own bigotry on the fly by invoking Invisible Magic Man or Mother Gaia? Come
on, really! I don't see anything in the Christian Bible in support of C-sections, vaccinations, painkillers, antibiotics, eyeglasses, contact lenses, dental fillings, bone screws, organ transplants, tissue grafts, etc etc
ad nauseam. Those are all just as unnatural as HRT & SRS. How can people be so sanctimonious about this "against God/nature/Shazam" hypocrisy? Was I going against God by being born at all, since I was delivered by a medically necessary C-section?
Nephie, don't forget the Flying Spaghetti Monster!
Quote from: Stealthgrrl on August 28, 2008, 07:19:18 AM
Stop reading my mail, Devious.
My mother's reaction was, "I never want to see you again." My brother's reaction was "you're killing our mother." Another relative said supportive things out of one side of her mouth, while telling me I was going against god, and that I had a disorder, out of the other.
My mother backed off, just a bit, from her original stance. She wanted to come over and see me, where I was recovering at home, alone, from my surgeries. But she wanted a promise that I would dress male. Because she seemed to be giving an inch or two, I agreed, just that one time, though it felt obscene. I wore sweats. The next time, she wanted me to do it again, and i refused.
Except for my mother, I lost my entire family by transitioning, or should I say, because of their attitudes regarding it. And I lost them in short order. As for my mother, she will deal with me one on one, but let the paltriest neighbor drop by and she wont introduce me (not just not as her daughter...not at ALL) and the last time I was there she was asked if I were "that girl who comes by and helps you sometimes." and she answered "yes." I've never been back.
But she calls. Most of the time I let the machine get it. She says, "I love you" just as if she actually knew the meaning of the word.
It's a thorn in my heart, the family stuff.
(((((((((((((((((devious)))))))))))))))
Stealth
I'm so sorry to hear that... :(
My life may go to that eventually...
Doesn't it almost make you wish they wouldn't talk about love at all? It just makes it worse when they talk about how they love you and you can always come to them with a problem, when you know that they'll refuse you...
Hi Ya'all,
Your family, my family, they all have an emotional stake in their perceptions of us. They want to keep us as we were even if its not really us. Changing our sexual appearance really threathens them emotionally and they do everything they can even emotional blackmail. It hurts us because they don't love us because of who we are. Each of us has to do what is best for ourselves, but as a sixty plus years old the longer we take to adjust our sexual appearance to our gender the more emotional relationships we develop and the harder it is to be who we are. When we are younger we have our birth family, when we are older we have spouces and children, then our children's spouces, and grandchildren, along with all of our friends and aquaintances both on and off the job. Then if you were a teacher like I was you have all of your students over thiry years. Financial security in my case was just day to day an illusion.
Michelle
-hugs- I'm so sorry.
Things will get better, they always even out,
even if they don't see they EVER will.
Quote from: Nephie on August 28, 2008, 11:57:51 AM
Doesn't it almost make you wish they wouldn't talk about love at all? It just makes it worse when they talk about how they love you and you can always come to them with a problem, when you know that they'll refuse you...
I hate that, yes. I also hate becoming like my mom cause her hate is like a disease.
Sorry, but your mom is being an inconsiderate bitch. For serious. Would she tell her biodaughter to bind? No parent should EVER ask their child to bind. It's not a healthy thing to do under any circumstances.
I'd hate the situation too, if someone told me to just act girly again... Just to please someone else.
OH wow...
Thats a solid point there... Dude...
SUCH a good point.
So sorry to here about your situation. My parents were great but SO wasn't (another story).
Anyway I just wanted to say keep the communication lines open, you be the one that is calm, but strong. Love should be unconditional. Binding, no, no, not on developing breasts.
Also, I think people worry about what others will think of them having a Trans kid, a kind of reflection on how they have brought you up. My mum said when I first went home as the real me to wear a male shirt so others wouldn't see me going into the house, I didn't and things were fine.
Hope things iron out ok in the coming months/years.
hugs
Nigella
Quote from: deviousxen on August 28, 2008, 03:16:07 AM
I'm trying to be myself. Its just really overwhelmingly hard cause I ripped myself apart to find out what was at the core. Now I'm rebuilding by I'm weak, and young, and deformed.
I feel the same way and I'm 28. I'm sorry your family doesn't do unconditional love dear--we need it more than anyone! Just remember--it takes strength to be as weak as you are right now. You'll make it. You'll make it. You'll make it. I promise.
Posted on: August 31, 2008, 02:30:40 AM
Quote from: Stealthgrrl on August 28, 2008, 07:19:18 AM
But she calls. Most of the time I let the machine get it. She says, "I love you" just as if she actually knew the meaning of the word.
It's a thorn in my heart, the family stuff.
(((((((((((((((((devious)))))))))))))))
Stealth
Speaking of reading people's mail... mine is like all this about other things. I haven't even TOLD her yet.
Lane
Quote from: iFindMeHere on August 31, 2008, 02:34:17 AM
Quote from: deviousxen on August 28, 2008, 03:16:07 AM
I'm trying to be myself. Its just really overwhelmingly hard cause I ripped myself apart to find out what was at the core. Now I'm rebuilding by I'm weak, and young, and deformed.
I feel the same way and I'm 28. I'm sorry your family doesn't do unconditional love dear--we need it more than anyone! Just remember--it takes strength to be as weak as you are right now. You'll make it. You'll make it. You'll make it. I promise.
Posted on: August 31, 2008, 02:30:40 AM
Quote from: Stealthgrrl on August 28, 2008, 07:19:18 AM
But she calls. Most of the time I let the machine get it. She says, "I love you" just as if she actually knew the meaning of the word.
It's a thorn in my heart, the family stuff.
(((((((((((((((((devious)))))))))))))))
Stealth
Speaking of reading people's mail... mine is like all this about other things. I haven't even TOLD her yet.
Lane
:\ Thanks...
I'm almost considering not even considering myself a part of the family anymore...
Its making me into this cold and horrible person, and I almost wish I could live in denial about my family and elsewhere so I don't deal with them all the time...
At least I'm moving soon...
We're your family now, Xen. And we still love you, Sis.
Janet
Quote from: Janet Lynn on August 31, 2008, 03:31:56 AM
We're your family now, Xen. And we still love you, Sis.
Janet
... Thanks.
Quote from: Nephie on August 28, 2008, 11:57:51 AM
Doesn't it almost make you wish they wouldn't talk about love at all? It just makes it worse when they talk about how they love you and you can always come to them with a problem, when you know that they'll refuse you...
YES. >:(
Lane
Posted on: August 31, 2008, 05:07:25 AM
Quote from: deviousxen on August 31, 2008, 03:28:56 AM
Quote from: iFindMeHere on August 31, 2008, 02:34:17 AM
Quote from: deviousxen on August 28, 2008, 03:16:07 AM
I'm trying to be myself. Its just really overwhelmingly hard cause I ripped myself apart to find out what was at the core. Now I'm rebuilding by I'm weak, and young, and deformed.
I feel the same way and I'm 28. I'm sorry your family doesn't do unconditional love dear--we need it more than anyone! Just remember--it takes strength to be as weak as you are right now. You'll make it. You'll make it. You'll make it. I promise.
Posted on: August 31, 2008, 02:30:40 AM
Quote from: Stealthgrrl on August 28, 2008, 07:19:18 AM
But she calls. Most of the time I let the machine get it. She says, "I love you" just as if she actually knew the meaning of the word.
It's a thorn in my heart, the family stuff.
(((((((((((((((((devious)))))))))))))))
Stealth
Speaking of reading people's mail... mine is like all this about other things. I haven't even TOLD her yet.
Lane
:\ Thanks...
I'm almost considering not even considering myself a part of the family anymore...
Its making me into this cold and horrible person, and I almost wish I could live in denial about my family and elsewhere so I don't deal with them all the time...
At least I'm moving soon...
Yeah, it would be nice, but you're just considering it and already feeling the hole it leaves in you. I cut my family out for 18 months once.... miserable the entire time. It's sick but I'd rather figure out how to brush off the bull->-bleeped-<- than be without them. Too bad there are all these questions I can't answer cos I'm too scared to tell them yet...
Lane
The biggest thing cut out is trust. I can't put faith in any of them anymore. To do so would be totally self destructive, and thats why I hate this.
I don't trust my mom cause she's a violent, hormonally-ruled person, who was already crazy and then got worse when my dad had a manic episode.
I don't trust dad cause he spent a ton of money that could have been for me and my brothers college.
I don't trust my brother, cause I was cleaning the upstairs room one day and he came up and randomly started punching the back of my head, cause I, "made mom cry," even though 2 minutes earlier, I was the one who got a binder thrown at the back of my head. Now I can admit... I'm MEAN when I have to be, but I never cross the line like these people do and hurt people physically, EVER.
I've fought with my brother before, but its never been anything but wrestles up to this point, and I've sincerely wanted to break my dads nose to wake him up from his spending spree and affair with a woman (who has a family... And sees no consequence in doing my dad while having a daughter who's apparently, "just like me," and a husband who'll be crushed when they ALL find out. He cheated on my mom... He cheated. He could have just divorced her if he didn't love her for that long, instead of crushing my mom and making her EVEN CRAZIER, but no... That sometimes makes getting financial aid for college BETTER. So basically... They're legally together... And arguing over stuff because they are both too stupid to find a solution, and they've been on earth almost 3X as long as me.
...
But back to the point. My mom has no control. Shes almost poked my eye with her fingernail, kicked me literally out the door, punched me, slapped me, dumped water on me, food on me, broke a glass close to my head when I was still recovering from waking up to the food thing after a court date... She's threatened my life in our crappy little car while disowning me and saying she'd kill herself, and telling me I was mourning my friend wrong....
And I'm always seen as the worse person. Lately I just can't control myself either. Do I hit her? No. But I call her a sadist amongst other swear words, cause she is one, and she is making me become her, and I HATE IT. Her hatred is seeping into me like a disease and my bad side is coming out again... I move in a few days... I just need to survive til then, and find a job the best I can.
But the point is, is that I've never hit her. I pushed her away when she was, but I've never HIT her. NEVER. Not once. Even when it meant defending myself and stopping her crap, I've never hit her. Cause she's my mom? No... Its cause its a person, and thats wrong to me. I don't know how she has it in her to hit people. If she were a guy she would have been arrested. She isn't really causing the most physical pain... Its the symbolism of it. So yeah... I don't trust my family.
I don't think I'll ever have faith in them again. Its not a matter of love to me, even though that hurts a ton, its surviving so I can escape this crap.
Quote from: deviousxen on August 31, 2008, 11:51:40 AM
The biggest thing cut out is trust. I can't put faith in any of them anymore. To do so would be totally self destructive, and thats why I hate this.
I don't trust my mom cause she's a violent, hormonally-ruled person, who was already crazy and then got worse when my dad had a manic episode.
I don't trust dad cause he spent a ton of money that could have been for me and my brothers college.
I don't trust my brother, cause I was cleaning the upstairs room one day and he came up and randomly started punching the back of my head, cause I, "made mom cry," even though 2 minutes earlier, I was the one who got a binder thrown at the back of my head. Now I can admit... I'm MEAN when I have to be, but I never cross the line like these people do and hurt people physically, EVER.
I've fought with my brother before, but its never been anything but wrestles up to this point, and I've sincerely wanted to break my dads nose to wake him up from his spending spree and affair with a woman (who has a family... And sees no consequence in doing my dad while having a daughter who's apparently, "just like me," and a husband who'll be crushed when they ALL find out. He cheated on my mom... He cheated. He could have just divorced her if he didn't love her for that long, instead of crushing my mom and making her EVEN CRAZIER, but no... That sometimes makes getting financial aid for college BETTER. So basically... They're legally together... And arguing over stuff because they are both too stupid to find a solution, and they've been on earth almost 3X as long as me.
...
But back to the point. My mom has no control. Shes almost poked my eye with her fingernail, kicked me literally out the door, punched me, slapped me, dumped water on me, food on me, broke a glass close to my head when I was still recovering from waking up to the food thing after a court date... She's threatened my life in our crappy little car while disowning me and saying she'd kill herself, and telling me I was mourning my friend wrong....
And I'm always seen as the worse person. Lately I just can't control myself either. Do I hit her? No. But I call her a sadist amongst other swear words, cause she is one, and she is making me become her, and I HATE IT. Her hatred is seeping into me like a disease and my bad side is coming out again... I move in a few days... I just need to survive til then, and find a job the best I can.
But the point is, is that I've never hit her. I pushed her away when she was, but I've never HIT her. NEVER. Not once. Even when it meant defending myself and stopping her crap, I've never hit her. Cause she's my mom? No... Its cause its a person, and thats wrong to me. I don't know how she has it in her to hit people. If she were a guy she would have been arrested. She isn't really causing the most physical pain... Its the symbolism of it. So yeah... I don't trust my family.
I don't think I'll ever have faith in them again. Its not a matter of love to me, even though that hurts a ton, its surviving so I can escape this crap.
OMG girl *hug* been there done that tore the tshirt to shreds. sounds like RAMBO needs to pay these people a visit. For yourself, though, you *are* seeing someone about being abused, yes?
sometimes you have to say f.... them.if they are your family or not.
No... Had therapy with my mom once... It was a joke really.
Nothing I can really do over this stuff... Lol
If they are hitting you, and you have the emotional capcity not to hit back, then I say screw them...
That just isnt right....
Quote from: deviousxen on August 31, 2008, 08:01:41 PM
No... Had therapy with my mom once... It was a joke really.
Nothing I can really do over this stuff... Lol
no i meant for YOURSELF. To help YOU out. Screw them.
I stopped seeing my normal therapist cause it does nothing, and I see a specialist. (twice now)
She's wonderful but I need to find out how it all works when I move and stuff.
Quote from: deviousxen on August 31, 2008, 10:34:35 PM
I stopped seeing my normal therapist cause it does nothing, and I see a specialist. (twice now)
She's wonderful but I need to find out how it all works when I move and stuff.
ugh i hate therapists that are a waste of time and money. I spent 6 months with one recently...
what about seeing one specifically for your abuse issues that doesn't know you're trans? Would that even work?
I don't know what they'd do for abuse issues to be quite honest. The majority of problems in my life are too riddled with catch 22s to have a straightforward answer. In fact... The only straightforward answer was, "You're a transsexual you dumbass," but that also made more complexities obviously.
Nothing is fair to fix except my physical issue, and its not entirely appealing either... Cause its scary.
My social issues between people I love and me kill me though. The abuse thing only makes me think the nuclear family is exactly that.. Nuclear... And subject to vaporizing little doves that try flying away...
Quote from: deviousxen on September 01, 2008, 02:14:58 AM
I don't know what they'd do for abuse issues to be quite honest. The majority of problems in my life are too riddled with catch 22s to have a straightforward answer. In fact... The only straightforward answer was, "You're a transsexual you dumbass," but that also made more complexities obviously.
Nothing is fair to fix except my physical issue, and its not entirely appealing either... Cause its scary.
My social issues between people I love and me kill me though. The abuse thing only makes me think the nuclear family is exactly that.. Nuclear... And subject to vaporizing little doves that try flying away...
not all families are like that though. Mine was, mind you... and i've had tons of therapy over it. I'm mostly ok now but i get paranoid easy.
Lane
Quote from: deviousxen on September 01, 2008, 02:14:58 AM
I don't know what they'd do for abuse issues to be quite honest. The majority of problems in my life are too riddled with catch 22s to have a straightforward answer. In fact... The only straightforward answer was, "You're a transsexual you dumbass," but that also made more complexities obviously.
Nothing is fair to fix except my physical issue, and its not entirely appealing either... Cause its scary.
My social issues between people I love and me kill me though. The abuse thing only makes me think the nuclear family is exactly that.. Nuclear... And subject to vaporizing little doves that try flying away...
I can see in your situation that trying to report your family as physically abusive would be riddled with catch 22's and a very bumpy road.
Personally I dont think I would, but Im not giving advice here.
If the pain of it all becomes greater than what you would lose by doing so than I would say throw in the towel, but if its not something tells me you are a strong hearted person who will take it and deal with it.
One day it will all be behind you devious, and on that day I hope you find the peace you are searching for.
Quote from: Jordan on September 01, 2008, 04:44:26 AM
Quote from: deviousxen on September 01, 2008, 02:14:58 AM
I don't know what they'd do for abuse issues to be quite honest. The majority of problems in my life are too riddled with catch 22s to have a straightforward answer. In fact... The only straightforward answer was, "You're a transsexual you dumbass," but that also made more complexities obviously.
Nothing is fair to fix except my physical issue, and its not entirely appealing either... Cause its scary.
My social issues between people I love and me kill me though. The abuse thing only makes me think the nuclear family is exactly that.. Nuclear... And subject to vaporizing little doves that try flying away...
I can see in your situation that trying to report your family as physically abusive would be riddled with catch 22's and a very bumpy road.
Personally I dont think I would, but Im not giving advice here.
If the pain of it all becomes greater than what you would lose by doing so than I would say throw in the towel, but if its not something tells me you are a strong hearted person who will take it and deal with it.
One day it will all be behind you devious, and on that day I hope you find the peace you are searching for.
Uhhh... Thanks Jordan.
It's not like you're any different. You are the same person you were before all this became an issue to her. Why can't she see that?
I was still treated badly before all of this. I admit though, it takes two, and I've said my fair share of nasty stuff back to her, but I've never crossed that line and DISOWNED her. Not until recently cause I hate it now.
Quote from: deviousxen on September 01, 2008, 12:41:57 PM
I was still treated badly before all of this. I admit though, it takes two, and I've said my fair share of nasty stuff back to her, but I've never crossed that line and DISOWNED her. Not until recently cause I hate it now.
I'm the same way to my father. Though, I haven't said anything he never deserved to hear.
Yeah... Basically I have been mean sometimes but not on the brutally psycho level she has.
And I've NEVER once hit her... Ever.
The big big issue was months ago when I beat up her car, but it was instead of her really. I don't like hurting people, but I DO lose my temper like she does. I fall from the tree by not trying to poke peoples eyes out.