Hi everyone,
I had my first counselor appointment today, as well as a GLBT support group meeting. The counselor says she doesn't know much about TG issues, and that she can't really "help" me. She looked up info for me, and advice so I can find a specialist, so I am glad about that.
So, onto the support meeting. It went very well, I was nervous for a while, feeling out of place and confused. But after all that passed, I had a great time, and felt right at home. I joined the girls, and had a blast, just being a little giddy and having fun, knowing they wouldn't give me a hard time like the average person. I felt great not having to worry about that.
So, after I came home, this evening I have been very depressed, and I feel I am in a box again. I was free to express myself openly, and just let go. I always thought before that that the "male" ways I act were actually who I am, even though I am gender confused. I now think they may very well have been a form of defending myself from society, and I didn't even realize it. Anyway, I am back to my previous case of gender confusion, but only worse now. I feel I don't know my gender anymore, even though just early today, I felt like a girl, even though I think they were acknowledging me as a guy. I feel stuck again, and lost more than ever, and just hate it. I hate these creepy "I am a guy thoughts", it is torture.
Is it normal to have some post torture/depression after letting go for the first time when at a GLBT meeting?
I would say of course it is. I use to get depressed when I started a new work week, especially when I had a four day weekend. I think that it is because you are free to be yourself and then you have to go back in the box. Each time that you get longer to be you, the hard it becomes to go back into the box.
But if you just try to look forward to the next time, it gets easier to deal with the depression. And when you see full time looming just ahead it gets even harder to go back in the box. But when you step into full time you look back and think OMG I can believe I am here no more box.
At lease that was how I felt. Each time you got to your meeting, savor it and hold on to it. It will help you though the bad time. The 'guy' thoughts are just a defense mechanism to fight the depression and the confusing thoughts. Just keep your eyes on the prize.
You will get there one day at a time, one step at a time. And I hope I have helped a little.
Janet
yes, you are "normal"!
Hold onto the memories of pleasant experiences with good people. That is always a plus, no matter what path people are traveling on. You will work things through with time.
Yes, I also think what you're going through is normal. To use Janet's "box" analogy, that support group meeting let you "out of the box," possibly for the first time in your life.
Then after you left the meeting, you had to put yourself back in that box. Only now you KNOW you're in a box, in a way that you've never known before. And you know there's something better out there.
So, yes, it's understandable that you're depressed.
But as Janet said, look forward to the next time you can get out of the box. And remember, there will be a next time.
Quote from: findingreasonI had my first counselor appointment today, as well as a GLBT support group meeting. The counselor says she doesn't know much about TG issues, and that she can't really "help" me. She looked up info for me, and advice so I can find a specialist, so I am glad about that.
So you expected the counselor would help you with TG issues? And instead, you just got a referral to someone else? Good heavens, that's enough to depress anyone!!
HI there!!
In response to your blog ,Yes ,having gone through transition in a small town I was very alienated,I went to an AA group for comfort ,they were the only group in that town accepting anyone,Well I spilled my guts and afterward felt very scared and depressed ,lets not forget the anxiety!!!I would suggest confiding in a friend ,for these are the kind of times you can call a friend at 11in th am or the pm ,and not get billed ,plus I got the help I needed for free through the government mental health office , Take care of yourself ,You are a beautiful person no matter What !!!!! God Bless Shar :angel: