I found this wonderful place while doing research online about transgender/transsexual stuff and it looks like a wonderful place. Anyways, here's my story.
I'm 26 years old and I have always felt that I was a girl on some level. I can remember being as young as 5 and dressing up in my older's sisters clothes. I've always enjoyed making myself pretty and have always envied girls as they were allowed and encouraged to do this. I also get jealous because people will go out of their way to be nice to girls just for them being girls. Growing up I would dress up quite a bit when I was alone which was quite a lot since I was a rather latchy key kid. I can remember shaving my legs for the first time when I was in 6th grade. During high school I would dress in private which was made easy by the fact that my parents were at work/out of town a lot and my sister was in college.
When I got to college I was able to dress up a little bit more because I was not living at home. It is during this time I got my first wig, bought my own clothes, and started to discover through the internet that there were others like me. It felt nice to know that I wasn't alone. I even went out dressed a few Halloweens and I loved it! It felt so nice to be out there as a girl. What made it even better was that people actually thought I was a girl.
Despite my girl side growing I was still closeted. I've never been much of a manly man. I'm not effeminate in any way, but I have never been into things such as being loud, boastful, and aggressive. In fact these things disgust me. I really hate it how guys talk so poorly about girls, referring to them as just b*tches they want to bang and objectifying them in such as nasty way. It really makes me uncomfortable because I don't feel this way and because of my lack of experience. I have always been fascinated with girls and feminity. I have no problems befriending girls. For some reason I don't come off as a threatening male to them and they're very open in front of me, often saying things and doing things that most girls wouldn't do in front of boys. Countless times I wish I could just be one of them instead of kind of an awkward outsider.
I've never been successful with dating and sex. I'm not attracted to guys (kind of like that thing of not wanting to become your worst enemy), but do love all girls. Unfortunately, no girl has yet to like me in an intimate and sexual way though I do have plenty of close friendships with girls. I find it odd that they always say they want to have a guy who's nice and treats them well, but then they go end up hooking up with some selfish a-hole type. Of course boys who want to be girls aren't generally known for being attractive to the ladies, even if they do treat them well and listen and care for them. I hope I don't come off as sounding bitter because I'm really not.
During the past couple of years I have begun to realize that my need to be a girl have become stronger. For most of my life I have thought that these feelings would go away if I just got focused on something else such as moving to another state, starting a new job, or returning back to school. I've always thought that i would some how meet and start dating a girl who would make me forget about my trans feelings though from my previous paragraph that never happened (I have made some great female friendships of course). From what I've been reading it's a good thing I didn't join the army and get married with kids!
I am starting to realize that these feelings will never go away as they are a part of me and that I need to deal with them. I've also noticed that in the past year or so that parts of my girl side have been showing in my boy life. My clothing has become not as loose and more colorful and I will wear some girl things such as cute and colorful socks and sneakers. I've also started plucking my eyebrows, making more feminine gestures such as crossing my legs, and shaving my legs during the colder months. My apartment also looks like it would belong to a teenage girl (I've been told by my guy friends that it looks rather "flamboyant").
I realize that what once I thought was just a desire to crossdress and perhaps a transvestic fetish goes much deeper. I now think about things such as actually becoming a woman and what I can do to make it happen. I'm currently about to make my first electrolysis appointment and I want to start seeing a gender therapist as soon as I have the means so I can take the legit route to HRT and also just to have someone to talk to. I've been eating healthy and dieting and have lost 10 lbs during the past 2 weeks (I'm down to 149!), I've stopped drinking and partying, and I no longer smoke the cigarettes (I would smoke socially every now and then and I know smoking + HRT don't mix). While I didn't desire to actually become a woman through SRS before I now believe that it might be right for me given time. I'm more concern with becoming the girl I want to be on the inside rather than having it determined by my genetalia.
I'm getting sick of keeping my true self hidden, mostly from myself. I am glad I have found this place as it has so much information and I have so many questions. I do feel kind of odd about my age since it seems most people who are transitioning are either very young (teenagers to 21) or middle aged (35-55+). I don't want to wait until it's too late and have my masculine traits permanently burned into me as it sounds like from reading that these feelings don't go away ever. I think I should be able to transition and be pretty well passable since I'm not very masculine looking. People always think I'm still a teenager because I look so young and don't have much facial hair at all (being Asian helps too).
Well that's about it and thank you for listening.
-Jessica
First of all, welcome to Susans. My goodness Jessica, there are so many parallels between us. The transitioning groups tend to be divided into "30 or less" and "40 or more". I started transitioning last year at age 28, so I fall into the younger group like you do. Currently I am living fulltime as a female (almost 3 weeks now) and hope to get me surgery next year.
Some of the things that I saw as parallels that you said are:
QuoteI can remember being as young as 5 and dressing up in my older's sisters clothes.
Same here.
QuoteI can remember shaving my legs for the first time when I was in 6th grade.
7th grade for me.
QuoteI've never been much of a manly man. I'm not effeminate in any way, but I have never been into things such as being loud, boastful, and aggressive. In fact these things disgust me. I really hate it how guys talk so poorly about girls, referring to them as just b*tches they want to bang and objectifying them in such as nasty way.
Exactly.
QuoteCountless times I wish I could just be one of them instead of kind of an awkward outsider.
Yep.
QuoteI'm not attracted to guys (kind of like that thing of not wanting to become your worst enemy), but do love all girls.
I felt the same way when I started.
QuoteFor most of my life I have thought that these feelings would go away if I just got focused on something else such as moving to another state, starting a new job, or returning back to school.
Same here.
QuoteFrom what I've been reading it's a good thing I didn't join the army and get married with kids!
:eusa_shifty: Whoopsie, I wish I'd known that ahead of time.
QuoteI am starting to realize that these feelings will never go away as they are a part of me and that I need to deal with them.
Righty.
QuoteI realize that what once I thought was just a desire to crossdress and perhaps a transvestic fetish goes much deeper.
Again, same here.
QuoteWhile I didn't desire to actually become a woman through SRS before I now believe that it might be right for me given time.
I wasn't sure at first either, but after completely accepting this, I realized it was a necessity for me.
QuoteI do feel kind of odd about my age since it seems most people who are transitioning are either very young (teenagers to 21) or middle aged (35-55+).
Again, I thought the same thing at first until I realized the gender divide was closer to what I stated above.
QuoteI don't want to wait until it's too late and have my masculine traits permanently burned into me as it sounds like from reading that these feelings don't go away ever.
Boy do I know that feeling.
QuoteI think I should be able to transition and be pretty well passable since I'm not very masculine looking. People always think I'm still a teenager because I look so young and don't have much facial hair at all
You probably will be passable then. Every always thought I was much younger myself and I seem to pass well now.
Melissa
Hello and Welcome, Jessica!
Quote from: JessicaFor most of my life I have thought that these feelings would go away if I just got focused on something else such as moving to another state, starting a new job, or returning back to school.
Ooh, same here. I went back to college (full time) when I was 34 to get my engineering degree. That helped distract me but as you have noticed, the feelings always come back.
I hope you will enjoy coming here as much as I do, Jessica. I think this is a wonderful place to express who you are as well as getting alot of objective AND personal information. I'll be looking forward to reading more of your posts and I'm again happy to say,
WELCOME ! ! :)
helen
Hi Jessica:
Welcome to the forums! I'm sure you are going to like it here very much. I look forward to your future posts...
tinkerbell :icon_chick:
Wellcome to Susans Jessica,
Your story sounds very similar to mine. I am relising my crossdressing is much deper then a fetish and I am try to work out what to do with my life.
Alice
Welcome, welcome Jessica.
I'm glad that you've found us, and i hope that you stay around and enjoy the site. There is lots to see here so do take the time to explore, ask questions and generally participate where you can. Don't be afraid to ask questions or provide advice your self. Just be sure to read the rules. So relax you're among friends.
Steph
Welcome to Susans.
Hello Jessica,
It's good to meet you.
I'm one of the late bloomers, 55.
I have a wife children and grandkids and love them all.
I believe I'm transsexual.
QuoteI realize that what once I thought was just a desire to crossdress and perhaps a transvestic fetish goes much deeper. I now think about things such as actually becoming a woman and what I can do to make it happen.
These could be my words.
QuoteI've also noticed that in the past year or so that parts of my girl side have been showing in my boy life. My clothing has become not as loose and more colorful and I will wear some girl things such as cute and colorful socks and sneakers. I've also started plucking my eyebrows, making more feminine gestures such as crossing my legs, and shaving my legs in the winter time
Me too, but I shave or pluck the hair from my legs all year long. And I only wear female under things.
Yes, as I have grown older my feeling and desires only grow stronger.
QuoteI'm getting sick of keeping my true self hidden
Me too. But I am moving slowly as to not lose my wife and family.
It good that you are:
Quotecurrently about to make my first electrolysis appointment and I want to start seeing a gender therapist as soon as I have the means so I can take the legit route to HRT and also just to have someone to talk to.
And at your age you should be able to enjoy many years as a woman.
Go for It girl.
Let me say, like every one else, "Welcome to Susan's"
:)
Jillieann