I apologize now if this subject has been discussed before, I tried to look it up in the "search" menu, but couldn't find anything ??? For all I know maybe I've posted this before and just can't remember :-\ Please humor me >:-)
As a...SLIGHTLY >:( ...older women I still find myself getting depressed over the fact that I will never get to live and be the young girl I wished I could've been when I was in my early teens.
My therapist and I have discussed this, and she has told me that it is normal for <slightly> older TG people who are transitioning late(r) in life to have a "grieving period" for that youth lost as a girl/boy.
So, I wanted to ask all of you whether M2F or F2M, how do you deal with this if @ all? Have you ever obsessed over it as I have from time to time? If so, how did you get over that? I would appreciate any and all feed back/opinion's. :-*
*special note: I'm not trying to offend anyone with the age (slightly older) reference, just adding some humor :P
I'm only 19, but I know what you mean. While I still had a pretty awesome time during high school and all that, I can't help but imagine what it would have been like to be physically male and go through all that.
When I was a little kid, I couldn't wait to be a teenager and hang out with friends, go places and all the things that my older brothers and sister did. Of course, sometimes I tagged along with them, but I guess for me... I wanted to experience that as a male. And sadly, probably because my lack of confidence at first during my first year of high school, I found it difficult to make friends. Though eventually that wasn't a problem during my second year, but the point is... I wanted to have friends like my brothers and even my sister had. I wanted to have the same kind of connection with my male friends that my cousins have. I was always considered one of the guys, but they didn't usually hang out with me. Most of my close friends were female and never really wanted to hang out with me, though they were very accepting of me.
I know I'm technically still a teen, but I do crave it and not too long ago I envied those who had what I couldn't have.
Hey grrl. Thanks for the kind words earlier. :-*
I will only grieve about lost time if I can't wrestle this illness to the ground and get on with things.
Sure, it would've been nice to get that experience of being a teen - young man but while life was hard, there are many things I got to do and get away with I never would as a man. Things some other men only get to dream about. I honestly doubt I'd trade those years. Childhood, on the other hand, is another story.
I think this grieving time thing is probably harder and more significant for transwomen than transmen.
Because a girl's teens through twenties are supposed to be very pivotal and magical years and are much celebrated in our culture. Guys', not so much.
I used to think the same way, what if? should I have? .... regrets
BUT, we cannot change the past, history is just that, a past life, past feelings, past experiences and often with much regret.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing to have and looking back, yes I would have done things differently, taken the course of action that I did a lot earlier and perhaps not hurt people I loved. I lived through years of pain, torment, anguish and self denial, because I was to paranoid and affraid to do something I knew was right.
Since transition I am very much "a glass is half full" person and now my whole outlook has changed. I have learnt to accept that it is pointless trying to rationalize the past, only demons and regrets await from years gone by. Now it is a question of getting on with life, enjoying what I have and doing the one thing I can influence.....
Writing history yet to come.
;D
Buffy
I still think that way when I go out to places on a friday or saturday night and see all the younger males out and about, being stupid and having a laugh. And I wish that I could have gone through that too. Im only 21 but I still have missed 21 years of life that I could have been living. It used to get me down but now I have to push it out of my mind and think about the 40+ years I get to act stupid! ;)
Thanx you guys!!! Great responses :-*
Ahh, whose to say it would be any better? Might you have been a boy/girl with GID and not a girl/boy? People always think the past is somehow open to a level of perfection that the present does not offer.
Quote from: scarboroughfair on October 10, 2008, 02:26:11 PM
I hear you, this sorta thing sits in the back of my mind to.
I wrote a poem about missing the prom as a girl...
I was at a night club last month, and I'm so glad it was rather dark in there!!!The reason why, was after a few hour of being there, I started sinking really low emotionally!
I was watching all the genetic women get all the attention, I looked at their bodies wanting what they have.
With out warning the hot tears started rolling down my cheeks!
I never had this happen to me in public!
Everything flashing through my mind, especially the age factor.
I went up to the techno room of the club and sat there for hours just staring at the crowd crying of and on.
Right now, this is one thing that I don't have an answer for.
For me, I just have to let it run it's course till I'm cried out.
But thankfully it's rare for me to get that depressed over my age. :)
Thanx for responding hon :-* can't wait till I'm all cried out too
Quote from: tekla on October 10, 2008, 04:09:24 PM
Ahh, whose to say it would be any better? Might you have been a boy/girl with GID and not a girl/boy? People always think the past is somehow open to a level of perfection that the present does not offer.
I hear what you're saying tekla, well put....still, can't help it sometimes :-\
thanx for responding, all of you :-*
I am 54 and I sometime wish I had been a young girl, etc., etc. But there is no use in crying over split milk, as the saying goes. I take each day as it comes and I am just glad that now I am the woman I was meant to be. I may act dumb at times ( The whole Mistress Janet thing ) , but each time something happens to make me even smile a little, I know that this is right. I was called 'Miss' on the phone today several times and that makes my day. :D
Quote from: Janet Lynn on October 10, 2008, 07:40:49 PM
I am 54 and I sometime wish I had been a young girl, etc., etc. But there is no use in crying over split milk, as the saying goes. I take each day as it comes and I am just glad that now I am the woman I was meant to be. I may act dumb at times ( The whole Mistress Janet thing ) , but each time something happens to make me even smile a little, I know that this is right. I was called 'Miss' on the phone today several times and that makes my day. :D
Thanx Janet :-*
I got "Miss"d the other night @ a hospital visiting a friend, and I wasn't anywhere near en-femme :laugh: I went up to the info desk and spoke to these two other women, one of whom was obviously in training. I had this head scarf on, my hair is long too and this back pack I had on was also pulling my shirt taut so we'll just say accentuated my chest ;D She looked a little embarrassed and confused when she said it, but I just said "thank you", smiled and went up to my friends room :P Then, I came out to my friend when I got up there because she had been wondering a little about me she said. She's very supportive and actually said "well, it's about time" ::) ;)
Heh, I didn't get quite what I bargained for either, but I'm trying to be economical about it.
You see, all that time that I MIGHT have spent hanging out with friends, watching movies, or learning to sing cheers at teenaged blockheads, I spent expanding my horizens through literature and study.
Well, now I'm a third year student of biochemistry, and I'm going to cash out on it to get a full-fledged sex change operation.
I'll have enough leftover to purchase myself a small army of boy slaves.
When it becomes an option, I'm going to get myself a fully functional uterus.
Beware of my evil spawn.
Money makes it all better, hehehe.
I'm not a mtf or ftm but this affects me too. I grieve for my childhood, not being able to express the wholeness of my being. Being made to be a boy.
I try to look back and just see that it was beyond my countrol. I still have that kid in me and I try to nurture them with what I have now. They are doing ok.
allow me to simply offer my
honour and respect to your
grieving process, support for
your strength as you go forward
godspeed all who walk this path....
wishing you hope and healing
hizmom
Being 50, I will admit to wishing I had a chance to experience those young teenage years as who I am. But if wishes were dollars, my SRS still would not be paid for. It's not something that crosses my mind often.
Do I fantasize about it? No.
Do I wonder what it would have been like, on occassion.
But, its water under the bridge. Who knows how long I will be on this planet? I could spend my life looking backwards, or I can look at each sunrise as a new day living as the real me.
Chaunte
Hi grl, As another slightly older woman (closer to 62), I would first state that the anti-depressants help me at least :). That said, I think a lot of the feelings like that are not based on a transgender specific problem but a broader life history and individuals way of coping.
You could liken it to a grieving process. My psyche as it is has trouble handling things of this nature so I can empathize with you. I just discussed this with my Therapist last week and while the feelings of loss linger, just being able to throw a rant seems to offset the pain a little.
I look back at last July when I was contemplating my demise and where I am at today, ready to move from 80% to 100% FT and it helps me to be grateful that I am at least going to spend whatever time I have left being who I really am. If you have a Therapist or someone you usually confide in, have a talk with them about this and I think the pain will be eased a bit. Hugs
Wendy
I feel gypped, yes. It bothers me not to have had a girlhood or a young womanhood. I wish I could have just one day out my whole stupid life to just roll out of bed and be in a body that entirely matches who I am. It is one thing to arrive at mid life having had thos things, and another to start out there, in many ways. Especially, as Nero has pointed out, because youth matters more for females, I think.
Sometimes I could cry or just scream. Other times I just look at some girl who reminds me of myself in some way, and I'll think, that should have been me.
A wise man once wrote that if you go north, you'll regret the life you might have had in the south...if you go south, you'll have even more regrets. I love that I transitioned--there are rewards every day. But am I angry, sad, feeling cheated? Yes, those things, too.
Stealth
Quote from: funnygrl on October 08, 2008, 12:09:50 AM
My therapist and I have discussed this, and she has told me that it is normal for <slightly> older TG people who are transitioning late(r) in life to have a "grieving period" for that youth lost as a girl/boy.
Lol... I started transition at 20, and still felt what you're talking about. How nice it would have been to have been totally accepted as female at school, to have had the high-school sweetheart, all of that... but then, I wouldn't be the person that I am today. I fought hard to get where I am, and I think that if I had had an easier life, not having to deal with my gender issues, that that might not have been the case. I might have gotten knocked up and stuck in the small town that I'm from. So, in the end, I really can't complain.
Lia
Sometimes it can be hard watching little girls and seeing the life I'll never have, but life is in the moment, Everyone TS or not has their hopes and regrets. Live for now, enjoy whats good, that's all anyone can do.
I grieve for the fact I can't redo it... I don't think I'd ever want to be a different person for societal rites of passage.
However... The fact I can't get a refund from my educational torture at least disturbs me a little. That I can't relive those years as myself, but as a girl.
The fact I could never have known my mom as a girl when she was more sane and nice gets to me a little.
Like being driven around in the old minivan to costco even, or just whatever. I don't even care. I used to be taken to go swimming or stuff like that, and to do that years ago as a girl with my mom before she went nuts would just be so much nicer... I had it as a male though. Too bad -_-
That was RIGHT when my obsession started actually... I still considered myself a boy from that perspective so it was just this weird idea that came to me. Instead of being fascinated by things I liked, I'd be distracted more and more by the bonus section of the puberty book my mom bought for me... The section on girls.
Thats right about when my life started to become a great duality coping mechanism or something...
I really mourn that the opposite didn't happen, and that she wasn't giving me just that bonus sectioned book... Even though I remember hating it when she gave the book to me... Like what a joke, right? I already know all of this stupid crap!
But if it were just the other book... In some other dimension I'm sure, and she's a lucky bitch, that alternative me. She's laughing at the fact her mom would buy her a stupid book like that, and has no effing idea how lucky she is...
Since I believe in reincarnation... I go on the notion that I've only missed it this time around. And I believe I will live that part of my life the way it's supposed to be lived next time, or the time after. So there's nothing to grieve for because I don't believe that those years have been lost forever... just this time in order for me to learn and experience a different perspective in this life. :)
Quote from: Leiandra on October 13, 2008, 02:14:54 AM
Since I believe in reincarnation... I go on the notion that I've only missed it this time around. And I believe I will live that part of my life the way it's supposed to be lived next time, or the time after. So there's nothing to grieve for because I don't believe that those years have been lost forever... just this time in order for me to learn and experience a different perspective in this life. :)
I, too, believe in reincarnation, so that means I have probably been gen fem any number of times and will be again. Which only makes the reason for this life all the more perplexing.
Stealth
QuoteI apologize now if this subject has been discussed before, I tried to look it up in the "search" menu, but couldn't find anything Huh For all I know maybe I've posted this before and just can't remember Undecided Please humor me Evil
As a...SLIGHTLY Angry ...older women I still find myself getting depressed over the fact that I will never get to live and be the young girl I wished I could've been when I was in my early teens.
My therapist and I have discussed this, and she has told me that it is normal for <slightly> older TG people who are transitioning late(r) in life to have a "grieving period" for that youth lost as a girl/boy.
So, I wanted to ask all of you whether M2F or F2M, how do you deal with this if @ all? Have you ever obsessed over it as I have from time to time? If so, how did you get over that? I would appreciate any and all feed back/opinion's. Kiss
*special note: I'm not trying to offend anyone with the age (slightly older) reference, just adding some humor Tongue
I LOVE coming here... I'm away for a little while and I come back to gems like this. Thank you FunnyGrl :)
I think a large part of my melt down earlier this year was was totally because I was grieving for that lost time. I got caught up
here talking about childhood things and parents and before I knew it I got very depressed about what could have been. About the
same time I realized that I could not only pass but also be a little bit pretty just made things that much worse. You start
to think about how different your life could have been and it makes you sad. Very sad. And for me it took realizing that my life
really started about two years ago and I accepted that there is nothing I can do to change the past but I have a HUGH impact on what happens from here on.
Amanda
Okay, I'm still kinda young, but I can still relate. I wish I had grown up as a boy my entire life, sure I did the tomboy thing...But it's not the same as actually being a boy. Maybe if I had been a boy I coulda played football or something... Maybe if I had been a boy, I wouldn't have had to try out for "softball" in the 7th grade (which was BS) cause I wanted to play baseball not "softball" as though "softball" is for girls and "baseball" is for boys.
I wish I had grown into puberty, been a teenager, and hung out with the guys doing stupid things at the mall like I saw some teenage guys doing this weekend. I could have dated, and not spent so much time being confused about my sexuality because I was SUPPOSED to like boys because I was a girl, no matter how much I really wasn't attracted to guys. (At least that's what I thought when I was a teenager).
Yes, we all have these regrets. I still feel this way every so often, wish that instead of saying "Im the son dad never had" as a joke when I was growing up it could have been "I'm the son dad always wanted."
At any rate, I think I'm over my grieving phase for the most part. I just like to keep reminding myself, you know what? I'm glad I caught it when I did. Because I could have been miserable and lived my whole life as the wrong gender [for me]... But here I am, getting ready to face the rest of my life as the person I really am. Yes, I missed out on a lot, but there's so much more I have to look forward to! Maybe some people go their whole lives without figuring themselves out but I've done it, and dammit I'm going to enjoy what's rest of my life as Nathan! :)
Don't look toward what could have been, look toward what will be! And be glad you know who you are because there are even non-trans people who never look inside themselves and really KNOW who they are. You have delved past the surface and taken a spiritual journey that only so many people can say they have done.
I can't say enough how helpful ALL of the responses have been, and how much I have enjoyed reading them!!! Thank you all so much for your responses :-* :-*
It's been really great to read the responses from those of you who are...younger :-\ ;D :-* because I wasn't aware that those feelings of "time lost" where there for all of you as well. Forgive my naiveté :)
Amanda: Great to have you back!!!! and your welcome :-*
When anyone figures out how to get over the longing to have been able to grow up in the right gender, let me know. I still struggle with it -- more often than I care to admit.
:(
Quote from: lacitychick21 on October 15, 2008, 12:54:11 AM
When anyone figures out how to get over the longing to have been able to grow up in the right gender, let me know. I still struggle with it -- more often than I care to admit.
:(
I agree hun :-* It's great to hear from you 'lacitychick21' :) I hope that things are getting better out there for you. Thanx for posting!!!
I accuse my genderterapists for my lost time. I was a diagnostable transsexual without other gross psychiatric disorders and it took a quit long time for a gender clinic to diagnose me. Many other trannsexuals got their diagnose faster. >:(
Quote from: Leiandra on October 13, 2008, 02:14:54 AM
Since I believe in reincarnation... I go on the notion that I've only missed it this time around. And I believe I will live that part of my life the way it's supposed to be lived next time, or the time after. So there's nothing to grieve for because I don't believe that those years have been lost forever... just this time in order for me to learn and experience a different perspective in this life. :)
That would be a wonderful thing. I have on many occasions thought about reincarnation but unfortunately it doesnt apply to the here and now for me. :( So I learned to deal with it in other ways.
My first marriage produced 3 sons, and while it was extremely diffficult to function as a Dad and father figure, I still love them with all my heart and soul. My second marriage brought 3 daughters from m y wife's prior marraige and this helped me to cope. I built doll houses and helped furnish them, picked out deresses for them, enjoyed the Holidays from a girls view and other things most Dads never even had a clue they could share with their daughters. It was almost like being second Mom to them which is why I believe they have accepted this so easily with me.
So while I still grieve for the time lost, I was fortunate to have at least been blessed with some gifts that are memorable. Hugs
Wendy
Hi all my love and I will be going out in a bit to go shopping so I will only elaborate briefly. 1st I quite agree with Leiandra and Stealthgrrl about reincarnation. I didn't start transitioning until I was 54 years old. Yea lost a lot of time but it realy doesn't bother me all that much. I am quite happy and at peace with myself living as a woman today. In my past from early childhood on I was a girl in my imagination anyway. I lived as my true self in my imagination for so many years that looking back on my past I could very well be a girl. I even see the previous me as a girl and any memory of the other me is fuzzy at best.
You are welcome to visit my Blog, Cindy's Ramblings Blog.
Be back later to read the rest of the posts and what ever else updates. And Yes this subject or others like it have made their way around at least a couple of times before but don't exactly remember which threads or forums. It is an interesting subject, and I also thank you Funnygrl.
Cindy
Thank you ladies for your replies :-*
Awesome advice, questions and experiences all around. All of the responses have helped me immensely!!!
I think everyone feels regret and grieving for lost time, if only a little. Like a lot of things transfolk just get it worse, as we don't just regret decisions we might have made but a life we might have lived. But I feel i've spent to much time living in the past. I guess the draw of looking back like that is that you never do wrong in that little universe. Somehow by being born as you feel you were supposed to be solves all your problems. Maybe my grades would have been better, maybe I would already be married to a wonderful spouse, or maybe my family relations would be better. I could easy have died, gotten pregnant, or any other number of awful things. The "what-if" game for a single person can outnumber the stars, and all of it is meaningless since it has already been said and done.
Right now I got a whole world here in this moment, its past time for me to live in it. ;)
I've been duped out of a lot, as my social life is pretty nonexistent, due to the sole fact that my parents are convinced I will be raped if let out of the house alone. So basically, because of my gender, I wasn't/am not allowed to go to sleepovers, camp, overnight field trips, dances, etc. So very many out-of-house experiences I was not allowed at. Simply because I was a "girl."
But I realize I am extremely lucky, even from as early as kindergarten, I was the boy with the technicality of being female, if you get what I mean. I got messy, I played sports, I teased girls, and hell if my parents didn't approve. They got tired of trying to get me to be "ladylike" after fourth grade anyways. I've always been a guy, and now that I know how to make it so that everybody else sees it too, getting to that place can't happen fast enough, and frankly, young as I am, I'd rather not waste time on regrets and direct my energy into working towards that goal.
And for you older folks, IT IS NOT TOO LATE. Evaaaaaar. Bring back your childhood, be the crazy old person gesticulating wildly with the cane on your doorstep every morning, make the off-colour joke every so often. I swear, 90% of the adults I encounter are dull. Why? Because they take in stride their age role. We haven't adhered to the gender role, why should we adhere to the age role too?
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise above! ;D
Quote from: freespeechz on October 18, 2008, 08:07:03 PM
I've been duped out of a lot, as my social life is pretty nonexistent, due to the sole fact that my parents are convinced I will be raped if let out of the house alone. So basically, because of my gender, I wasn't/am not allowed to go to sleepovers, camp, overnight field trips, dances, etc. So very many out-of-house experiences I was not allowed at. Simply because I was a "girl."
But I realize I am extremely lucky, even from as early as kindergarten, I was the boy with the technicality of being female, if you get what I mean. I got messy, I played sports, I teased girls, and hell if my parents didn't approve. They got tired of trying to get me to be "ladylike" after fourth grade anyways. I've always been a guy, and now that I know how to make it so that everybody else sees it too, getting to that place can't happen fast enough, and frankly, young as I am, I'd rather not waste time on regrets and direct my energy into working towards that goal.
And for you older folks, IT IS NOT TOO LATE. Evaaaaaar. Bring back your childhood, be the crazy old person gesticulating wildly with the cane on your doorstep every morning, make the off-colour joke every so often. I swear, 90% of the adults I encounter are dull. Why? Because they take in stride their age role. We haven't adhered to the gender role, why should we adhere to the age role too?
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise above! ;D
*puts on camp voice*You go boy!
Cindy's Ramblings Blog
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,45210.msg293572.html#msg293572
Well I guess that ain't gonna fly either. Another of Cindy's ideas goes "kerplop!"
Well, anyhoo, I agree with Terra about spending too much time in the past. The past is in the past with all of its flaws and errors and all of those wrong decisions that brought me to the brink of hell itself. The highs and lows and all the demons from my past my hopes and dreams I have dealt with, separating the good from the bad. The bad, for the most part, is no longer robbing me of what precious good memories I still retain from the past.
After the storm clouds in my mind cleared from my memory I was amazed to discover just how many good memories were still left alive and well. Like the dead, yellow grass of a meadow that had been left flattened by the weight of hailstones during the tempest of the storm. Like a miraculous act of the Great Spirit, as the dark storm clouds disperse, allowing the golden rays of sunlight warm to revive the soil of the dead meadow below, golden rays bringing forth the delicate flowers, imparting life to a meadow in a multitude of colors.
There ain't a dang thing we can do to change the past but we can live in the now and do all we can to live it to the fullest, one day at a time. Whether there be reincarnation or not is neither here nor there at this point. We have the rest of our lives to live, right in the here and now for what's left of our lives. I do my best to live for today and enjoy today to its fullest. That way for me this day I will savor and stretch it to the fullest like a tiny part of eternity, a heart beat in eternity. This day is my treasure at the end of the rainbow. Every day I wake up and give thanks and feel good! I am healthy and I take a deep breath, and thank again whatever Higher Power I believe in that I am alive, well, and for being the true me for what's left of my life.
Y'all have a wonderful day.
Cindy
Many other trannsexuals got their diagnose faster.
My experience is that most people diagnosed themselves first, then shopped for a person who bought it. More or less.
Quote from: tekla on October 19, 2008, 05:39:24 AM
Many other trannsexuals got their diagnose faster.
My experience is that most people diagnosed themselves first, then shopped for a person who bought it. More or less.
I diagnosed myself @ age 4 ;D :P
Point taken.
It also occurs to me that re-incarnation or not (I'm thinking not, but hey, anything is possible) you can't change the past in this life so you should learn from it, not dwell on it.
Every minute you spend thinking or living in the past is one more minute you took out of your real life.
Quote from: funnygrl on October 08, 2008, 12:09:50 AM
So, I wanted to ask all of you whether M2F or F2M, how do you deal with this if @ all? Have you ever obsessed over it as I have from time to time? If so, how did you get over that?
I used to obsess over it. In fact, I've said if anything kills me, it'll be just that: the impossibility of going back and growing up from a girl into a woman, having those experiences and being shaped by them into who I was supposed to be.
BUT.
More and more it's become apparent to me that I DID live "a girl's life" of sorts... or at least let's say I lived MY life, as me, where people DID respond to my personality and wants and needs. True, it wasn't a "classic" girl's life. But still, even genetic girls don't always get the idealistic princess life either, ya know?
And what's really opened my eyes to that is in seeing how little an impact transitioning has had on my life. That REALLY surprised me, and I still can't quite figure it out. But if changing my sex and living as a female really had so little impact or effect on my life or those around me, I can only assume that I was *already* living as Kate for the most part. Maybe not physically, but obviously people were already treating me for being me, and not necessarily as a gender per se.
At least that's how I'm making sense of it. So when I look back on my past now, I see it in a different context... realizing that I always WAS me, was Kate, or however you want to phrase it. Changing my sex was just a minor physical adjustment, but it didn't "make" me Kate. She was always there already, living her life as best she could, and if anything the physical changes simply allow me now to finish growing from a girl into a woman.
Or at least one can hope, lol...
~Kate~
Quote
More and more it's become apparent to me that I DID live "a girl's life" of sorts... or at least let's say I lived MY life, as me, where people DID respond to my personality and wants and needs. True, it wasn't a "classic" girl's life. But still, even genetic girls don't always get the idealistic princess life either, ya know?
Changing my sex was just a minor physical adjustment, but it didn't "make" me Kate. She was always there already, living her life as best she could, and if anything the physical changes simply allow me now to finish growing from a girl into a woman.
~Kate~
I share that thought Kate and that is exactly what I came to realize just a few months ago. I am Amanda and I have lived
as Amanda but I presented as a male to work within the system. It was a HUGE revelation to me but it's like "oh... yea I
see that now" kinda thing. My view on almost any issue or my personality traits, or even how I react to things has always
been female. And the further along I get the more I see that things will not change much. What seemed like a mountain
a year ago only looks like foothills now. Maybe a year from now it will be like the Great Plains. :)
Amanda
Quote from: Always Amanda on October 21, 2008, 03:22:25 PM
I am Amanda and I have lived as Amanda but I presented as a male to work within the system...
Well, see I'd been lying if I said I
"presented as a male to work within the system." If I call it all a "presentation," that makes it sound like I went through life faking that I liked most of what I did... but that's just not true. It's tempting to slice and dice my life apart, and call the stereotypical male behaviour a "presentation," and the female stuff the "real me." But it was ALL me. Even the so-called "male" stuff ;)
~Kate~
Quote from: funnygrl on October 08, 2008, 12:09:50 AM
I apologize now if this subject has been discussed before, I tried to look it up in the "search" menu, but couldn't find anything ??? For all I know maybe I've posted this before and just can't remember :-\ Please humor me >:-)
As a...SLIGHTLY >:( ...older women I still find myself getting depressed over the fact that I will never get to live and be the young girl I wished I could've been when I was in my early teens.
My therapist and I have discussed this, and she has told me that it is normal for <slightly> older TG people who are transitioning late(r) in life to have a "grieving period" for that youth lost as a girl/boy.
So, I wanted to ask all of you whether M2F or F2M, how do you deal with this if @ all? Have you ever obsessed over it as I have from time to time? If so, how did you get over that? I would appreciate any and all feed back/opinion's. :-*
*special note: I'm not trying to offend anyone with the age (slightly older) reference, just adding some humor :P
I had this experience Saturday night. I was waiting for a bus about 10:30 pm outside party central at 18th and Castro. A crowd of young queer men and women had spilled out of the bars and onto the sidewalk. They were laughing and flirting and generally having a great time. I was suddenly overcome by this sense of loss. My time had passed and I could never be a part of the happy throng. I've suffered depression since adolescence and it was starting to feel like my life was over and my stupid body refused to accept it. This is the kind of thinking that will get you 5150ed. I snapped out of it after a couple days probably in no small part with the aid of Wellbutrin and Remeron. I realized that while my life hadn't been all that bad. I was blessed with a several great loves and child that wouldn't be here if it hadn't taken me this long to come to terms with my gender identity. Fretting over what could have been will get me know where but the morgue.
I agree with Kate's philosophy, for that matter I think I posted enough times speaking on the same line of thoughts about looking back on my past and not remember who the other me was and that I always was a girl, hmmmm "Surprise!"
But you are quite right Claire de Lune, if my life would have been different I have three children that may not have been and also, so may other things that were positive things that may not have been, if things had been different. There is also good things that I brought to other peoples lives that may never have taken place either if things had been different.
But then it was Cindy all along that was there that made those things take place. I beleive that even the hard years took place for a reason, maybe just to hone me or refine me to become a better and more enlightened and caring lady. At least I can only hope so, I am of the belief that one makes their own destiny in their lives by the decisions we make today.
As for feeling young, well I don't think I ever realy completely grew up, to me the world is still a nice shiny place where there are castles and princesses and where dragons still exist and I am the dragon keeper. Funny that all those hard years failed to kill that spirit that dwells within me. Oh it was in hiding for a time but once those dark ugly storm clouds drifted away to let the golden sun shine flood the plains bellow to war the earth and reawakening life therein again, the child within me also reawakened, and I one of those old hippies to, and I don't drink or smoke grass either and I work with a bunch of girls in their early twenties to mid thirties.
Cindy
I completely understand. I hated high school and have many regrets. Spent most of my time in my basement depressed. And I'm from a small area in Nebraska so there were no outlets for me. I really didn't know what it was until my freshman year of college. Dances, sports, dating, etc. . . Yes it sucks. I fully understand.
Brady