I would like to hear from experienced people on how important is it to have a local close trans girlfriend to experience transition for a M to F or a trans boyfriend for F to M?
My personal opinion is that transition is taking up huge amounts of mental energy and I don't have time to give a girlfriend what she deserves during this period. It would feel selfish for me to take take take support but not have much in return. Once I'm through the process I'll have more to give another person.
Yes I'd love to have the support of a good relationship but I don't think that's possible at this time.
Oh, and I don't think my gf would have to be MTF, though I am very open to that as a possibility.
Jay
hi cc. i cannot fully explain the importance of my best friend. she being mtf herself, yet lightyears ahead of me in thought and evolution, understood and could relate complicated issues to me in a language and from a perspective i could understand...her love and willingness to help have shaped my own post-transition life in many, many ways. i cannot ever repay her, my only hope of getting close is to pass it on...that's all she's ever asked of me and i will go to my grave gladly paying that debt.
if one doesn't have a "big sister", i hope you'll find one...they're irreplaceable.
Hi CC,
First I am not TS and really am not sure of where I fit in the continuum (maybe you do not believe in a continuum).
I actually sought out a person similar to myself and found a truly nice human being. I considered her my first "girlfriend" even though she looks like a male. But the unusual thing is she thought of me as her first "girlfriend" even though I look and live as a guy.
My friend is someone that I can talk to and not be judged. She has helped me many times when I do stupid things. We have shared meals together and taken walks together. I miss her when she gets too busy.
This past week I went to my first TG support group. I got reacquinted with a non-op TS person that I befriended at SCC in 2007. I also meet a couple of the network directors that were TS.
I think it is very therapeutic to have someone that can laugh and cry with you.
Wherever my path leads I hope some of these people stay in my life.
Yes I think friends are important and it is worth having someone that understands and appreciates you.
Hugs,
K
No, I didn't have a trans-girlfriend to talk to. My wife-now-partner referred to ours as a transitioning family. I drove EVERYONE in the household crazy.
The new transition that is taking place with us, is just Marcy and I being women together.
What a roller coaster ride it was. We survived, and are happier now than ever, but it was a tough puberty and adjustment of roles.
Bev
Quote from: Ellieka on October 23, 2008, 04:43:52 AM
I think the ideal friend would be some one that has either been through transition or is at a similar stage in life. But, having a romantic involvement with some one in my opinion has a higher potential of complicating things. As Seankersjay said, it would be hard to have a truly reciprocal romance.
Sorry my question wasn't clear that it was a friend for mutual support and friendship and not romance. God knows I couldn't handle complicating things further right now.
I feel I get wonderful support from Susan's and I've been blessed that a special someone has been very available and supportive over the internet. However, I long to be in the company of another sister to share my excitement, happiness and tears. So today I will be meeting a new friend for coffee that is in a similar place as me. So my curiousity was how others felt and experienced that kind of friendship.
Quote from: pennyjane on October 22, 2008, 08:01:21 PM
hi cc. i cannot fully explain the importance of my best friend. she being mtf herself, yet lightyears ahead of me in thought and evolution, understood and could relate complicated issues to me in a language and from a perspective i could understand...her love and willingness to help have shaped my own post-transition life in many, many ways. i cannot ever repay her, my only hope of getting close is to pass it on...that's all she's ever asked of me and i will go to my grave gladly paying that debt.
if one doesn't have a "big sister", i hope you'll find one...they're irreplaceable.
That's exactly what I hope for PennyJane.
I wish I knew even one person that knows what I am going through and can share this with. Living in a small community really sucks that way. This Saturday I am hoping I have the extra gas money to drive 2 hours up to Indy to a meeting but I don't know about making any friends there because if I do I still couldn't call up someone and ask if they want to come over to watch a movie with me and chat or grab a bit to eat at lunch or, well anything really. Forums and email is nice but to me they just can't make up for talking to someone you can ask to come over when you are feeling overwhelmed and cry on their shoulder (and visa-versa). I think it is doubly hard for me because I've always been a bit of a recluse and don't have great social skills but after accepting myself earlier this year and doing things to make myself really happy is really opening up parts of myself that really want the company of people. :icon_sniff: :icon_sniff: :icon_cry2:
No matter what kind of major changes you're going through, a good support network can only help.
My ex-girlfriend was bigender/genderqueer. And it was pretty cool while it lasted. Hoping I can meet another TG/genderqueer. I miss talking about those kinda things and not having to explain the concept and what it's like all the time.
I actually have a very good friend in Peggy. She is a bio and straight. We are best buddies and talk about everything from my adventures in transition, to her divorce. We laugh together and cry together. I think that it is very important to have someone close to share with, even if there is only a friendship in that.
Quote from: pennyjane on October 22, 2008, 08:01:21 PM
hi cc. i cannot fully explain the importance of my best friend. she being mtf herself, yet lightyears ahead of me in thought and evolution, understood and could relate complicated issues to me in a language and from a perspective i could understand...her love and willingness to help have shaped my own post-transition life in many, many ways. i cannot ever repay her, my only hope of getting close is to pass it on...that's all she's ever asked of me and i will go to my grave gladly paying that debt.
if one doesn't have a "big sister", i hope you'll find one...they're irreplaceable.
pennyjane, you took the words right outa' my mouth on this one. My roommate Sarah,who is also M2F, is AWESOME as well even though she's killing me with all the exercise and healthy eating crap ;D :-*
Quote from: funnygrl on October 23, 2008, 11:38:45 PM
My roommate Sarah,who is also M2F, is AWESOME as well even though she's killing me with all the exercise and healthy eating crap ;D :-*
I sure could use a roommate like that :^)
I just can't remember to buy the good food and eat it in moderation and exercise the way I should be doing...
I'm the dork who misunderstood the question. ::) ::)
Anyway, yes I have a mentor, a guy who transitioned ~10 years ago who lives nearby. He has been instrumental in helping me find local resources (gender therapists and group therapy) and also sharing his personal experiences. If not for him I'd likely still be floundering.
Jay
Quote from: sneakersjay on October 24, 2008, 09:24:18 AM
I'm the dork who misunderstood the question. ::) ::)
Anyway, yes I have a mentor, a guy who transitioned ~10 years ago who lives nearby. He has been instrumental in helping me find local resources (gender therapists and group therapy) and also sharing his personal experiences. If not for him I'd likely still be floundering.
Jay
You're no Dork Sneakers. That was a very sincere and honest reply. In fact, it made me think about that possibility and then run for the hills right now!
Hugs
I had a couple of close trans friends during my first transition. I couldn't have done it as easily without their support.
Z
My GT introduced me this week to a sister that is my age with many similar interest and family situation. I met her over coffee yesterday and what a dear. She looked great and her poise and confidence was very inspiring because she is a fairly large girl like me.
She asked me to join her and a friend tonight for some dinner, shopping and dancing! Surprisingly my wife said it was fine without any push back and even loaned me one of her purse's. Wow have we come a long way. I'M SO EXCITED!
So I had to get two pair of my pants hemmed for tonight and just went into the tailer and had it done. Then I went to the department store and looked through the shapewear to help with my love handles. Didn't find what I was looking for but these little steps in a public place are big steps for me.
My heart is singing and my soul is being fed.
Oh happy day!
now that does call for a big old..."you go girl!!!"
Quote from: CC on October 22, 2008, 07:44:39 PM
I would like to hear from experienced people on how important is it to have a local close trans girlfriend to experience transition for a M to F or a trans boyfriend for F to M?
Hmmm, well there was a nice transitioned woman in my support group who really helped me. We never got together beyond the meetings, but we talked a lot when there and exchanged emails. We shared similar attitudes and expectations about all this.
The main thing for me though was just seeing how normal she was... just another woman living her life. THAT more than anything gave me hope that transitioning was actually possible.
~Kate~
I'm glad I live in a large city. I go to two weekly support groups for transgender people of all persuasions and one monthly support group for FTMs only.
I'm glad to have met so many transwomen, but I have to say that I'm getting most of my support from the guys. There are a few fully transitioned guys whom I really look up to. They are mentor figures for me. I feel that I could talk to them about virtually anything. In fact, I've told one or two of them a lot of stuff that I had previously shared only with my therapist.
The guys I connect with most on a social level haven't fully transitioned. One has been on T for years, one has been on T for a few months, and one hasn't started. Nobody in the group has had any kind of trans-related surgery. One probably won't ever get top surgery.
We hang out after the meetings and talk about all sorts of stuff, some trans-related and some not. One guy I particularly connect with because apart from trans stuff, we have a few interests in common. But I like the whole trio of guys.
Outside of the trans world, I have a life partner, one good friend, and a few good acquaintances, but I tend to isolate myself. I think of myself as an antisocialite, haha. But look at me now: I'm starting to make friends. This is a big step for a perpetual hermit.
Having transguy friends and mentors is making all the difference to me. I wish everyone were as fortunate.
Tbh.... i dont have any close trans friends... heck, any? i dont even know a trans person irl....
But a best freind is VITAL for life, nevermind transition... Both my best friend and i saved eachother's lives to an extent... and we are closers than sisters. Without her, id be a wreck, and likewise... someone to cry with, laugh with, and just be there for you is deffiantely vital!
Quote from: CC on October 23, 2008, 08:33:14 AM
Quote from: Ellieka on October 23, 2008, 04:43:52 AM
I think the ideal friend would be some one that has either been through transition or is at a similar stage in life. But, having a romantic involvement with some one in my opinion has a higher potential of complicating things. As Seankersjay said, it would be hard to have a truly reciprocal romance.
Sorry my question wasn't clear that it was a friend for mutual support and friendship and not romance. God knows I couldn't handle complicating things further right now.
I feel I get wonderful support from Susan's and I've been blessed that a special someone has been very available and supportive over the internet. However, I long to be in the company of another sister to share my excitement, happiness and tears. So today I will be meeting a new friend for coffee that is in a similar place as me. So my curiousity was how others felt and experienced that kind of friendship.
I think I understood what you meant from the very first post. (Maybe just put a space between boy friend and girl friend next time? Idk)
I have only ever met one other FTM face to face, never an MTF...and it would be great if me and the FTM lived in the same county but we do not. He would probably be a really cool bro to be around, even though he's younger than me and a step ahead of me in transition. He mentioned having a big brother, and I wonder why I'm incapable of getting one....Then again...
I sent a letter to a support group here a while back in hopes that I would get to meet other transpeople, maybe even get a big brother, but I never got a reply :( So yes, I'd love to have a big brother, it would make me feel a little bit less alone. Not just in the sense of having friends...My friends are great, but it's like I have to explain everything to them because they're not going through this themselves. I would love a friend who feels the same way I do in a tangible space.
So off we went to the MALL! Allyson dropped us off at the Mall entrance because it was raining and we met her in the store. Deb and I just walked into the Mall visiting and amazingly hardly anyone made notice of us! Yes, I was clocked by a few but no big deal. Deb is really amazing looking and can pass well. But what a wonderful and beautiful experience for me.
In the wig store we picked out a couple wigs for me that I really love. But the surprizing thing was, the color and length of the hair that everyone says looks great for me is the same as my sister's! So when I looked up I saw Lorrie looking back at me from the mirror and she is really pretty. Wow, I think I can do this! I am an attractive woman!
Well I met my friend at her house Friday night and got ready to go out. Her friend was a lot of help with my make up.
Then we headed out to the Mall. Did a little shopping and drew very little attention. Ya, we were clocked by a few people but most people never even bated an eye. So when we left the Mall I was floating on cloud nine.
Now it was out to have dinner at a cafe in a Holiday Hotel. The wait staff know the girls so it is TG friendly. However, all the other diners paid little notice to us and we had a nice meal.
Then off to a local Gay/TG etc bar for some drinks and karaoke. The three of us then danced a little on the empty dance floor and every time I looked around and saw myself dancing in the mirrored wall I just felt so right for the first time in my life! You should have seen the happiness and grin on my face.
I could never have taken this wonderful step so positively without the support and love of these two girls.
So I highly recommend finding a mentor or friend to share your hopes, dreams and fears with.
Posted on: October 25, 2008, 07:41:46 pm
OOPS, sorry for the previous confusing post. But I was copying from my diary and screwed up. Anyway, I think by the end you get the idea of what I was trying to say.
ahhhh....cc.....that's just so great! you'll remember this forever...at some point, believe it or not, you will envy yourself this wonderful moment in time. God bless...and really..."you go girl!"
The only transsexual person I had when I transitioned was my therapist. Besides her, I had my family and my ex-boyfriend who were there for me during the most difficult times. I honestly don't think I could have survived without their support.
As far as support groups are concerned, I did attend a support group during my first months on HRT, but I stopped going after the second or third time since I didn't have ANYTHING in common with the people that were there. It was a good decision in my case and everything worked out wonderfully well afterwards.
tink :icon_chick:
Quote from: Tink on October 26, 2008, 04:02:54 PM
The only transsexual person I had when I transitioned was my therapist. Besides her, I had my family and my ex-boyfriend who were there for me during the most difficult times. I honestly don't think I could have survived without their support.
That must have been wonderful Tink to have family and someone so close to you for support. So I think it points to the fact that one needs support from another human being no matter who or what they are to make this transition or live this life happily.
We had a discussion on the chatroom recently... it was about trans friends... does someone NEED trans friends to transition sucessfully? or emotionally for stability? and what benefits / problems that may contain, i wonder what you guys think?
When I look back at my early life I see where there were two different groups of girls who made a HUGE difference in how I grew up.
The first was a small group of classmates, "norm-born" girls who saw through the feeble attempt at a facade and accepted me (for the most part) as one of them. That was a LONG time ago (around 1960, so I think they thought of me as a Gay male because the concept of 'transsexual' didn't even exist then). We were 12 or 13 and being included in (most) of their conversations and some of their activities was very important to me in sorting out my own feelings, realizing just how much I fit in with the other girls and how much I differed from the guys. (I was always sad that I didn't get to go to the pajama parties though ;) )
The second group was TS girls in a nearby city that I met when I was about 15. They ranged in age from a little younger to mid-20's but I mostly hung with the ones my age. That was a godsend because their parents accepted them for how they were (mine didn't) and they were WAY ahead of me in 'socialization' and 'integration'. They helped me learn so many of the things that other young girls learn from their peers - clothing, makeup, confidence, etc. and introduced me to social life as a girl in the straight world - clubbing, parties, shopping, traveling, flirting, and more. We were just a bunch of teeny-boppers hanging out together doing the things young girls do.
I am sure that this socialization helped form my personality and character to such a degree that it made treatment possible by making it obvious that I was "mis-cast" in an inappropriate gender. (In many cases, I was among the first to be treated; the first to be prescribed HRT, the first assessed by a brand new GID panel, the first recommended for surgery, and among the early ones to have SRS - I think I have a 2-digit serial number LOL!) If I had not already "lived the life" I know I would NOT have been treated in the early 70's.
With the background I had, moving through transition/SRS was a snap and my new life was as comfortable as an old slipper. It was like finally coming home.
hi rachael. i can't say everyone "needs" transfriends to necessarily transition successfully, all i can say is that i can't see any negative to it and can see many positives. the presence of my best friend, though we live some 400 miles apart, was so constructive in my own transiton that i'd call her the single most powerful force. being there for me to bounce things off of, to urge me forward or tone me down, to simply love me and want the best for me, to share truths that were obscured to me for one reason or another was very often the difference between pain and joy, stagnation and growth. could i have made it without her? probably...but it sure would have been tough.
Interesting, but what i find curious, is weather she was helpful because she was your best friend.... or because she was trans?
I have never known a trans person irl... my best friend and i are like sisters... and we have helped eachother beyond words... i mean, would it have been different if she were m2f?
Ugh, trans support groups. *has terrifying flashbacks*
Every experience is different, but mine was this: I'd never met such a collection of whiney, unhappy men-with-bows-in-their-hair in my life. I thought, if this is the future, ay caramba.
Fortunately, I had a Lesbian friend who was super supportive, and tremendously helpful to me in terms of issues of coming out and the like. We're still friends, she's lovely.
I'd like to touch on what Wendy had to say. I made a friend who appears male, but so isn't, and I found it easy to think of her only as the woman she is. She's taken, crapola, but it all just made me think. Wendy, I'm glad you have that friend. I'm sure you are invaluable to each other.
Stealth
Posted on: October 27, 2008, 08:21:08 am
Quote from: Rachael on October 27, 2008, 06:00:42 AM
Interesting, but what i find curious, is weather she was helpful because she was your best friend.... or because she was trans?
I have never known a trans person irl... my best friend and i are like sisters... and we have helped eachother beyond words... i mean, would it have been different if she were m2f?
I think it's just different. There are things that only a gen fem will really know, and there are things that only another trans can understand. Go ahead, go rogue--have both. ::)
Stealth
hehe, if i knew a trans person irl, i might, but it would involve going to a supportgroup and picking the least bats*** bonkers
but it would involve going to a support group and picking the least bats*** bonkers
Yeah, I've been to some of those meetings also, seems like the only reason I was there was so I could feel somewhat better about myself, you know the old "gee, I'm only a little crazy and everyone else is all the way there already." But I've been that other person at other meetings.
I think its important to have people in your life who can tell you the truth from time to time (no one needs it all the time, its too relentless, and often scary) who can kick your ass from time to time (again, not all the time, both your ass and their leg gets real tired) or who will just sit and nod as you proceed to bitch out the world (again, not all the time, or you life become a huge pity party).
Support is well rounded I would hope. All of it can not come from one source, but its good to have a few that you can count on, and lean on. They need not be trans, or gay, or whatever - they just need to be humans (hence, your cat, computer games, fantasy lives and the rest do not count).
A very old friend of mine (since High School 69-73, the dark ages) took a very different path than I did in some ways. He became a Roman Catholic priest. Which is funny, I became the least religious person in our class. Yet, there were parts of our lives that were common. We we're both living in the same world. We both did long-term advanced studies in school. We both liked beer, the Giants and the 9ers - even when they lose, which is all the time.
So both of us have used the other as places to vent, about church politics, about university politics and about real world politics. We also vented a lot about how stupid parts of grad school were, how the 9ers need an offensive coordinator and how the Giants should have tossed Barry Bonds under the bus years ago.
And, oddly enough, some of it works out. Church politics are very much like academic politics, in that some very petty people have managed to work their way into positions of power and are not inflicting that on other people in largely meaningless ways. Petty, vindictive and silly stuff are always that, no matter where they are found. Grad school is grad school regardless of the subject to some degree. And if you love to complain, being a Giants and 9ers fan has been for, the most part, the motherload.
But despite the huge differences between us. We find a way to help each other. Sometimes its just listening and buying the next round. Sometimes its actually that very rare thing in life 'constructive criticism' that can help you, and sometimes its just some weird remark that resonates in some way, if it does not seem like it would, the old line about once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right.
There is also a huge 'prime the pump' deal in real life - at least mine. In that, there have been countless people that I began to help, support, offer something too, whatever - who, in turn, gave back to me something much greater than I had done for them, or at least as good. So, if you're not finding people who support you, turn the tables and find someone you can support and that may open doors for you.
The reason (iffin' you're one of those persons or people into 'reasons' for things happening) you're at that support group, at that moment, might not be for you to be the one getting support, but your supposed to find that person who needs your support. Your help. Your advice. Your time, your truth, your skills, your wisdom and outlook can help others from time to time, if you're willing to let it.
I know talking things over with other people, even if we're not talking about my life, my problems, my world - has helped in mine.
At some point, because we are so much what others have put into us, or pulled out of us - for good and bad - we are but a reflection of other people. Thus, other people are but a reflection, to some degree, of us.
hi rachael...i think it's both. it is an interesting dynamic. i did, and still do, have a male best friend. a guy i've known and loved for years and years...and a great guy and a wonderful friend. but, when it came to transition he wasn't nearly the powerful force as was my transfriend.
there are just some things that only transsexuals can understand about other transsexuals. not all, but certainly empathic people who happen to be transsexual.
as stealthggr was saying...those tg support groups are bad memories for me too. the ones i found were dominated by "bows in the hair men" as well. no matter how they dressed up...they were men and had no more conception about what transsexuals are going through then we have of what they are. i found them a drag....pardon the pun...on my own development, really no more then a place for people to dress up and go.
i did, and do, prefer being around people who talk about their problems with the intention of making themselves better people, not just to wallow in victimzation. maybe it's just my age....so many things to do and not that much time to get them done...so wasting any of it on whining is out. God bless, and i hope you find not only the good friends you have but that one girl who knows...really knows...what is going on.
Quote from: Rachael on October 27, 2008, 03:38:24 AM
does someone NEED trans friends to transition sucessfully? or emotionally for stability? and what benefits / problems that may contain, i wonder what you guys think?
As stated earlier I am not TS. In fact I do not consider myself transitioning since I live as a male. However if you have lived several decades without addressing things that have bothered you it takes a toll on your mind. I agree with Pennyjane that trans friends can help you on many levels. When you do things in a vacuum you are prone to do things that are not logical and potentially very dangerous. In addition many of us become very unstable when we start solving everything alone.
The process of sharing is very therapeutic. I also find that a friend can help you when you are low and vice versa. A downside is if you are a "taker" you might not want to return a favor when your friend is down at an inconvenient moment. For me I can always find time for my friend.
Now the support group I attended did not have any men with bows in their hair. In fact the oddest person in the group was me. I came alone as a male, dressed as a male and introduced myself as a male. More than half of people in this small group were TS. The ones that were not TS were SO's. No one made me feel uncomfortable. In fact the TS's gave me names of doctors and therapists that deal with gender variant people. They were nice people and all of them were highly educated.
I did share the results of the meeting with my wife. In turn my wife called one of the therapists and set up an appointment for me.
The meeting was productive and worthwhile for me.
what interests me, is in the last few posts, the 'benefits' seem to be discussed for friends vs no friends.... I was curious as to the difference between trans friends, and non trans friends.... I've yet to see a good reason that a trans friend is required for transition beyond 'they know what you're going through'
Quote from: Rachael on October 28, 2008, 06:17:26 AM
what interests me, is in the last few posts, the 'benefits' seem to be discussed for friends vs no friends.... I was curious as to the difference between trans friends, and non trans friends.... I've yet to see a good reason that a trans friend is required for transition beyond 'they know what you're going through'
Isn't understanding and knowing what you are going through and being supportive what a friend is? There are no requirements in friendship. So no, one does not rdequire a trans friend. However, no one other than a trans friend would have any idea of the joys, happiness, excitement, pain, anguish and fears one would feel.
Is there a fear for you Rachael of having a trans friend?
Joys happyness, excitement, pain and anguish? i disagree.... any GOOD friend can see you nolonger hurt... that you are happy... that you are RIGHT... it doesnt take a transsexual to see depression and joy....
as for fear of having a trans friend? no, not really, i just never met a trans person irl and have no paticular reason to go looking for one... i have all the friendship i need without hunting out a transperson to be friend.
hi racheal. well, i guess it's that "they know what you're going thru" thing that makes the transfriend so valuable. yes, definitely, all friends are special in their own special way. one of the special things about transfriends is just that.....they are pretty well connected to what you are going through. if you feel no need to seek out other transfolk to share your experience with, that's ok...i'm sure you'll do just fine.
it's really not that different then alot of other shared experiences. women who have miscarried a pregnacy often feel much more at ease expressing their pain with other women who have had that experience as well...it's just something those of us who haven't been through that can know first hand of what it's like. combat veterans often look to others who've been in that situation to share with...and on and on.
of course you can make it without that friend....it's just that sometimes that friend can share a bigger piece of the burden when you are heavily laden. God bless with...
maybe if one has gender issues to work out its useful, but tbh, my issues are self esteem, confidence and self image, regular female issues... my status of having transitioned really bears little on those issues imo.
oh yes, definitely dear. if you have no issues with your transness then it's all moot. i'd say that in most cases, though, for transsexuals we have problems relating alot of things through that particular filter. if your transsexualism isn't creating any specific issues for you, then i'd say the specialty of a transfriend wouldn't mean nearly as much to you as it does for most of us. i'd say you are unique in my experience though, one who has no issues with their irregular gender identity, you are very blessed indeed.
often i've heard people say they think there would be no problem if everyone else would just get along with it. i question that...i see where difficulties probably would arise without any outside pressures...just the fact of mind and body being out of congruence seems to me as something that usually would produce a pretty significant dysphoria exempt any outside influences at all. just that dysphoria is exponentiated by the outward pressures. i think we can get past it pretty much, but it's hard to imagine that without going thru it first. God bless with....
I have no issues because its resolved largely....
I transitioned, im a girl to all who know me, and most dont know the past. My gender identity is firmly female, and its all congruent, what problem?
Quote from: Rachael on October 28, 2008, 02:49:43 PM
I have no issues because its resolved largely....
I transitioned, im a girl to all who know me, and most dont know the past. My gender identity is firmly female, and its all congruent, what problem?
My bad Rachael and I apologize if my comment seemed rude. I assumed that you were still dealing with transition based on the comments. I've only been back to Susan's for a couple months so I don't have all the players down yet.
Please accept my admiration for what you have accomplished and my apology for assuming.
Sincerely,
CC
CC,
There are many factors that play into the equation of transition or not. Some include your age, if you are married, do you have children, your health, your finances, your mental state, etc. These factors will influence who you would trust to tell. Maybe I am wrong but I don't think many of my male friends would welcome me sharing my feelings with them. However if I could find someone in a similar situation maybe they would not laugh at me and I could talk to them. I got lucky and found some nice folks.
My 21 year old daughter is away at college and her comment to me was, "Dad you deserve a right to be happy. Do what you need to do." Wow that is liberal.
My 17 year old daughter that lives at home and is in high school said, "Dad you would not be happy to live as a girl because you will lose mom and be by yourself."
My wife says, "You know nothing about what it means to be a girl and you will not be happy."
Here's the entire level of comments from my 19 year old son for the past year. "?"
How's my emotional state? A mess.
Now I can sit here looking at the wall pitying myself and swallowing 50 pills a day or I can try and get on with my life.
It took me years to meet people that were similar to myself. I am doing better now than a year ago. I am not sure what I will do to in the future. Right now I would settle on a doctor monitoring my hormones and prescribing the correct doses.
I am also trying to reenter society. I could not have done this without the internet, my wife and a few TG/TS friends. No I could not handle this by myself.
Be careful and it is good to find a friend(s) to listen. Oh significant others of TG folks can also be good friends that will listen and share.
<giggle> i just had an experience with a transfriend that i could have shared with no other...and it was wonderful...it was a bonding thing and i will remember it forever. turns out that about the same age we both decided to buy our first pair of panties. now....this isn't something i can share with just anybody and expect them to "get it". this girl did...we laughed our hineys off, remembering the "same" feelings and reactions to almost the exact same circumstance.
oh come on rachael! are you seriously trying to tell any of us that something like that isn't just about as neat as a friendship can get? it's gotta be that you don't have one so you are trying to convince yourself that you don't have any use for one....really, defies any association with empathy at all. go get yourself a transfriend...you're in for a big thrill!
ah? panty shopping? okay....
I go underwear shopping with friends sometimes.. but its no magical experience... I'm probably too far along in transition to get any 'magical firsts' that i could experience with a trans person... to be frank, (only on weekends) i dont see much in common with a trans person that id not have in common with any girl my age...
My ex sorta understood.. when we broke up she said in a letter that she was scared when I started transitioning as she new I would want to be free and live my life as a man. She wasn't supportive and didn't want to talk about it, never called me he, him or my name. I didn't like this.. But she was there to listen if all..
I think at the moment I would like some one here but its not a necessity I am to insecure to meet anyone..
I don't think it is that important unless you have someone who you can talk to about transitioning.
rachael, you are one hard case. you give no quarter. i wasn't talking about going shopping for panties today....i was talking about remembering the event with someone who had the same experience. if you at 11 or 12 was going out pantie shopping with your girlfriends as if it were no big thing....then, no....you poor thing...you will never understand what i'm talking about and i have nothing but sympathy for you. you have missed out on some perfectly wonderful experiences, and no.....just like, i guess, any ordinary, run of the mill gg....it's something we girls have that you just simply never will...that's just too doggone bad...you have my sincerest sympathy.
no, not now....wow....i don't even go underwear shopping anymore...in fact, i think that's the one time in my life i ever went underwear shopping specifically. now, i go shopping...i'm a grown up....not for underwear...for what i need.... do you really, honestly...tell the truth...have girlfriends that you go "underwear shopping" with....you gotta be pulling my leg! God bless.
erm? yes? sometimes we do specifically go out shopping for lingere?
I dont see the issue really... kickers is knickers.. my first pair i dont even remember... And i dont get this 'thing you and ggs will always have' that i wont ever... i garuntee 99% of natal females wont remember thier first kickers... they had them when they were 3-4...
first bra yes... that i do remember... heck i kept the damn thing for sentimental value... thats special... knickers? XD
Maybe i am a hardcase, maybe you're right But i still havent seen one damn thing short if 'they can understand you like nobody else' that a trans friend can give... well, im a girl, girls seem to understand me? The trans stuff is mostly sideline and always will be... im strong enough to deal with the transition bits alone...
I have more or less 2 Boyfriends in this and 1 Girlfriend, not really...
Actually I have a very loving boyfriend who is helping me both in Transition and in College. I have known him for over 8 years, but he was just my friend until June 14th 2008. But basically he is a big stress reliever in my life. Then you have my best friend David Woods, God I love David he is just awesome! And of course my newest and more or less closest friend Dana, I've only known her for about 3 weeks, but I feel like I've known her for years.
Ahhhh, the art of friendship during transition. Please allow me to give you my experience.
Unlike many other who have found significant others to share their life with, I have missed the boat, plane, bus or deadline when true friendship was being handed out to people. I think of myself as a good natured person. I go out of my way to do things that most people will never do just so I can hear someone say, "You're my friend." I've even done things where I didn't want to do them but I did them just so that I can hear those few words.
It began as child. I found myself alone not having friends in my life. I was an only child and I often found myself with no one to share. Being introduced to sex at a very young age, I related these acts to keeping people in my life. If you wouldn't be my friend because you liked me, I would have sex with you so that you would like me. I start at 5 years old.
This behavior followed me into adulthood and I still found myself giving up a large part of my life just to have someone say that they like me and would be my friend. My behavior caught up me and now I have a record to show for it. I was placed in intense therapy for 8 years to help me learn how to build positive healthy relationships. Every now and then, I still give away a piece of myself just so I can hear those few simple words, "You're my friend."
My last friend, I met her online in a TS chat room. We had lots in common. We were both TS. She had so much, I thought, going for her. She had a man that she was with for 13 years. She had a nice home. She had what I thought was what every woman wants out of a hetersexual relationship. But there was something very wrong. She, like me, had been traumatized as a child. Her childhood trauma followed her into adulthood. Whenever we would sit and talk, she told me the same story over and over and over again. I tired ever so hard to encourage her to seek help. But, she insisted that she was ok. When I would go to visit her, we would sit all day talking about what others had done to her. There was no positive talk from her. I tired to help with the limited help I had gotten and how I had changed my life around. I told her, "You're post-op now, you have a lovely home, you have a husband that loves you, let go of the negative things in your life." However, the more I said this to her, the more she became angry with me.
Two days ago, our relationship ended badly. She called my house to tell me once again about the trauma she experience as a child. I listened as I always did. It was like I was watching re-runs of the same drama show over and over again. I could say what she was saying to me in my head before she even said anything. When she told me about an issue she was having with one of her family members, I made a comment to her which she didn't like. She became very upset and starting insulting me over the phone. She never even allowed me to explain what I meant. The phone with dead. I had had enough and determined that I'm not going to allow anyone to put me down in the name of friendship. So I block her number and erased her number from my cellphone. I wrote her an email explaining my decision to end the friendship. She insulted me some more when she returned the email and told me if I ever need someone she would be there.
Prior to her, I had a GG friend for 10 years. Again, I did many things that normal people just would not do. For instance, she whould go to Atlantic City and spend all her money and have no way to come home. When she would call me crying, I would get in my car and go pick her up. Atlantic city is 70 miles aways from my home. It was 3am in the morning. I was a friend that she could call anytime of the day and I would go do whatever she wanted me to do. Sure, she let me spend the night at her home occassionally. She would give me gas money when she had it like $10 to drive her 60 miles in one day. Or, she would treat me to a movie or dinner. But, last April, our relationship came to a sudden end. She had gastric bypass surgery and none of her family members came to the hospital to see her. I drove her to the hospital, I sat there in the waiting room while she had surgery and I called her family members when the doctor came out and told me she was doing ok and in the recovery room. I sat by her side for 3 days while she was in the hospital. No one of her family members was there. I drove her home from the hospital help her as much as I could. No one of her family members was there. Yet, I made a promise to her back in 2007 that when I got my student loan check that I would lend her some money. Well, things went south when I did get my student loan check and I had to repair my car, take a taxi home from NYC that cost me over $600 dollars, pay tuition, buy books and buy my baby puppy that I wanted. When I counted my money up, I had enough to give her half what she asked for. I would give the other half a week later. I called her up and explained to her what had happened. She became very upset and told me that I put a dog before her and that I wasn't a true friend. She told me that all the times that she need me that I wasn't there for her but she was there for me. She called me a few bad names and the phone went dead. I cried and decided that it was time for our friendship to come to an end. I haven't spoken with her since.
I'm alone now and hurt. But, I trying to pull myself up because I have surgery in 8 months and I need to continue my preparation for that date. I have things that need to be done. But, in terms of friendships, I rather be alone right now then go throgh what I went through in the past 11 years of my life. I'm tired of buying friendships. I'm tired of buying love with sex acts. I really really tired right now. For the record, I haven't had a sexual act in over 8 years and I don't intend to have any sexual encounter anymore until I have heal from my wounds, mentally and physcially.
I just wanted to share my story for other in transition to see how things can go wrong when we seek friendship with the wrong intentions. Yes, it's nice to have somone there to support you through transition. But, if it for the wrong reasons, it can be a lot of drama and pain. Make sure that your friendships are healthy relationships and not one side doing all the giving while the other side enjoys the gifts but deep down inside, they rather not be associated with you. Actions speak louder than words. Pay attention to how they treat you. If you find yourself always the one giving. That a clear sign that something is not right.
Jasmine
hi hon. i hate to admit it...but that's about the way it goes. we move in a world of some very needy people. give what you can and keep the rest for your own needs. remember, loaning is transferring property with an expectation of return, giving is parting with property and saying bye bye to it. if you give with an expectation of return then really you are just loaning. when you give...it's gone.
tuesday night i was driving over to the bingo parlor to pick up my annie. i saw, staggering down the street, an aquaintance of mine. he was a mess. he was drunk as a dog, had spilled liquor all over himself, barely mumbled what was his incoherence. i picked him up, he was starving! there was a mickey d's just there on the corner. i took him there, bought him a couple of hamburgers and told him to eat, and wait...i'd be back for him as soon as i got my annie.
we came back, he was passed out in the booth. he complained that his ribcage was killing him...we tried to get him in the car to take him home but his pain was too great. we got help from the staff there and loaded him up...took him to the hospital. i ran annie home and came back to stay with him. seems he had two broken ribs, he's diabetic and his sugar was up in the 500's and his potassium was critically low. i sat there all night with him in the er.
somwhere around dawn they got him stableized and he began being more coherent. he was starving. i told him i'd eaten his hamburgers hours ago and they were good.......he scrunthed up his face...sucked back the pain and mouthed out loud....."beeeiiitttccchhh".
yesterday we went to visit him. he had no memory of any of this..he was angry with me for taking him to the hospital. he is an alcoholic, a bad one, i won't ever get anything back from this, i didn't expect it and i don't want it. it was a gift, not a loan.
if i see him staggering down the street again next week i'll stop, pick him up and do whatever i can do for him. each time, one at a time..one day at a time...all we can do is what we can do, the rest is up to God. and may he bless us all with...
After reading about this topic and thinking about was said. I realized that outside of my family, I don't really have any friends. I have my wife and I have a lot of co-workers and employees of vendors that I deal with everyday at work but not any that I can really call friends except for my wife. My closest associates here at work would help me fix my car or something like that but if they knew I was transgendered, that association would probably end. We had a girl that transitioned at work about four years ago and I heard all of the jokes and comments the guys at work made when she was not around so I knew I would/could not come out at work. I'm ashamed of myself for not speaking up for her at the time but I was scared of being alienated (still am). I am in a position at work where I have to communicate directly with everyone from our Board of Directors down to our unskilled laborers and all of our vendors. My job can be very stressful outside of my personal issues so my finances are at stake for coming out on the job.
After transition, (Tracy) moved on to another job and I have only seen her one time at a restaurant with her mother. I did, however contact her a few days ago by e-mail to ask her who her doctor was among other questions and said that I would like to talk to her more. She does not know who she is talking to a former co-worker. She is going to be surprised when she finds out who she is talking to. I was never part of the comments that were made about her at work so I can only hope she knows that. She has been so nice with her offers of help and information by e-mail. I'm looking forward to seeing her again and hope we can be friends! I can use a friend I can talk to in person that has been through transition.
Andi