*Waves meekly*
Beginnings are always awkward it seems, it's hard to figure out exactly what to say and how to say it to come off as, well just plain sane standing naked at the front of god knows how many people that frequent this forum. Oh well, sanity is much overrated anyways. :p
I turned 19 this summer, and I'm finally crawling my way out of the snowy (It's hard to crawl in the snow!) depths of denial that I've spent the last 6-7 years lodged firmly in towards speaking with confidence that I am a woman, a FtM for those fans of acronyms out there. I was born in Ottawa, Canada, and the name's Dave for now, my birth name, although I know eventually the need for a swap will overtake me and I'll be taking on a more feminine name. I'll build that bridge when I get there I suppose, no sense in getting ahead of myself.
Oddly (or not) enough, I have an urge to make this introductory post more of a prequel to my life at this point rather than a simple "Hi, my first name is Dave, and I play soccer", and so, without further delay (and increasingly horrific failed attempts at adding a bit of color to this post, although who am I to judge), my story.
Having written most of this (the other parts written by my cat), I've jumped back to note that this is pretty long, and that I would rather you read all of it or none of it, its a backstory nothing more, but I have a noted tendency to push more information out than I need too. Also note, the quality of writing tends to deteriorate as things go along, so no heckling, please, I haven't slept in far too long.
Well, truth be told, it's not much of a story. HOWEVER, my own opinions aside, my (sparce) childhood memories are a good place to being. I remember near nothing of my childhood, my total memories from farthest back include; my uncle getting stuck in a play-structure and having to be cut out of it, trying to cut an orange open with a butter knife and subsequently scarring my hand (damn orange didn't even open, I figure it was a mutant made of diamond or something), and crossing my legs in the shower to make 'down there' look more like it should (I didn't know about what women were packing, only that they didn't have a penis).
So we have hilarious event, scarring event, and... well I have no idea how to describe it. I must have been 7-8, although all I remember was the shower. I was blessed with being the same size as my sister, who was two years younger than me, growing up, so at that same age I was stealing her dresses from the laundry and hiding them under my bed, sneaking them out and dressing up when I was supposed to be sleeping. Also spinning in them, because they poofed out and looked cute :p, one of those things you look back and smile at :). Now those dresses were eventually found, I was embarrassed, and so I didn't C/D for another few years. Suppressed things I suppose. I'm not going to get into a detailed description of when I did and didn't, but suffice to say it was on and off until 12, and then just recently.
Now, I have no idea what happened when I was 12, although I believe things were gradual, but I was tossed from my comfort zone into a cage match with this crazy thing called Social Anxiety. And as far as this anxiety thing goes, I had it pretty bad. For those of you who don't know what it is, social interaction scared the piss out of me. Talking to my mother, my sister, my father, my friends, my teachers, answering questions in class was akin to being burned alive for me, being singled out, I didn't want to be a nobody, or a somebody, I just didn't want to be there. Not to ever be noticed. Ever.
As high school went forward, things got worse, and worse, and worse, and worse. I'm blessed with loving, incredibly intelligent parents, but unfortunately that last part was carried down to me. Doing well in high school was being akin to your pants falling down while meeting the Prime Minister on international television for me. So, I got average marks on purpose. Generally it came down to not doing homework, projects, or any of that sort of thing, and doing well on tests, giving me a tasty average of nearly 75 every year. On top of that, I left school right when the bell rang. I shot out the door, on my bike, and I could make it home before half the people had even gone to their lockers (I live a 35 minute walk away, which means I went pretty damn fast). I arrived at school exactly at the right time so I would reach my locker, the bell would ring, I would put my books away, and make it to class with the majority of the other students, never late, never early.
Now, I was good acquaintances with the vast majority of my grade, and who I spent my time with during school hours varied from year to year, but I was a follower, never contributing, never really speaking unless I was asked a question. I was terrified again, of being singled out. Being in groups of people at lunch time was absolutely terrifying, but it was nowhere near to the terror I would cause myself if I was alone. See, my brain works on assumptions. They think I look bad, that I'm an idiot, that I'm stupid, that I'm smart. I never really know what others think, so when it comes down to it, being alone would just spiral my anxiety because I would be worried about what everyone in the school though, rather than just the people I was standing in a circle with at lunch.
I think I had 'friends' over three or four times during the course of the four years I spent at school. Mainly just to reinforce the notion I was normal, insignificant. I say 'friends' because I never had one. This is not for lack of opportunity, like I said, I was very good aquaintances with the vast majory of my grade. I was constantly invited to movies, parties, just hanging out, even awkwardly asked out a few times. I made excuses, I would stand out saying no, so I would say sure, then lie and make an excuse I wanted too, would have loved too, but think of it as a phobia. If your afraid of flying, you might say sure, I'll fly from Ottawa to Toronto, no big deal, it;s a short flight. As it gets closer and closer, you keep irrationally upping your chances of getting hurt / killed on the flight, until just before your sure your going to die, so you don't go. Nobody wants to be around someone who talks the talk and doesn't walk the walk, so no lasting friendships were formed. This took a pretty bad tole on my mind, and I took refuge in the internet, Xbox live and random video game forums became my focus in life.
Now, a slight aside from all this depressing social anxiety. I noticed, or do notice looking back now that I don't necessarily look at women how I 'should'. My extended family thought I was gay, probably my parents too because the last thing on my mind was dating, I didn't even show the slightest interest in women (annnnnnnnnnxiety again, sorry). And they're half right, I am bisexual, however I looked at women not completely as people I wanted to be with, rather I looked at women as people I wanted to be. The fact has hit home much harder than I though this last month, but never really occurred to me during the time.
Through these years, my ->-bleeped-<- never took hold, due to my debilitating fear of standing out. As you can probably tell, they don't mesh well :p.
All in all, not necessarily a bad high school time, but definitely unfulfilling and insubstantial. Fast forward to University. At this point I am a great actor, a great liar I should say, in perpetuating the idea I'm normal, that making small talk doesn't scare the piss out of me. I feel these acting skills, while a hindrance now, will come in handy come transition time. BUT back to the meat of the thing, university. Despite being a social phobic, I had a lesbian relationship :p. I say lesbian because that's what it was, I was a woman, and so was she. Now, it was physical from the get go, but the thing to note was that I did not enjoy sex. At all. I felt like I should be in the woman's position, not the mans. It felt wrong. Of course I made some silly excuse to myself and continued on, but the seeds were sown. As our relationship flailed around (social phobics don't make good boyfriends/girlfriends), I came to realize I wasn't attracted necessarily to her, but that I wanted to be her. About six months ago I came to that realization, broke up with her, but didn't do anything about this thought.
And now we get to three months ago. That idea pops into my head, I start thinking about it more and more (and more). It takes root, and as the roots dug into my brain they unearth the memories I had buried of C/Ding, of that time I mentioned at the beginning, of thoughts that I should be a woman, of how, for the vast majority of my life, lying in bed at night I concocted fantasies where I was a woman, trying desperately to dream about the last thoughts I had as I slipped into unconsciousness (I've had a few nightmares, never dreams). I've never prayed, I'm an a pretty solid agnostic erring on the atheism side, but if I had something to pray for, this would be it. All my birthday wishes have been to wake up the next day with breasts and a vagina, how I have random daydreams of being a mother, of bitching about my period, of flirting with guys, with girls, as a woman.
At the moment I'm in therapy for my anxiety issues, and I've made quite a bit of progress, helping me to discover more and more of who I really am both gender wise and personality wise. I'm much more comfortable expressing myself as a person, but there's still the hurdle of being the wrong gender of person -_-;. Hopefully I'll have the courage to come out to my family and therapist and get things moving soon :).
I discovered Susans about a month ago, and I have been lurking around in my free time ever since. Reading through most of the threads has really cut through the vast majority of concerns and subsequent depression I had regarding being a woman, and for that I thank all you for your (unwitting :p) help. Hopefully I didn't ramble too much for you people, and cheers to a great community I'm attempting to join :).
Dave!!! Welcome to susans!!!! :-*
Welcome. Enjoy!
There was no wittering on in that, you should have read my first blog entry, that was wittering. Well its nice to meet you, I hope that you have a good stay at Susans and you find all the awnsers you looking for. This is a great place to hang around and chat. There are many areas to use apart from the forum like the wiki and chat rooms.
It takes a lot of courage to come out for the first time, to tell some one your trans, we have all done it, LOL. So please feel free to surf this site, ask questions and reply to other peoples questions. All we as is that you abide by the site rule for your protection and every one elses.
Hope to see more of you around...
Luv Lucy
Wow! Now that's what I call an intro!
A lot of what you say resonates with me personally, and, I'm sure, a lot of people here. *big hug* And that certainly isn't rambling, hon, it's very honest and heartfelt. Thank you for allowing us a glimpse into your life. :)
A very warm welcome to Susan's, it's great to have you here. Don't be shy about getting stuck into posting around the boards, I'm looking forward to your input, honey.
You may have done so already, but if not, take a look at the Site Terms Of Service & Rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html), as well as the information regarding Post Ranks (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html) and what facilities you'll have access to as your participation here increases.