theres this girl that i know that i really like. a lot. and she doesnt know im trans. she thinks im just a regular guy.
i did however tell her that i was born with a birth defect that caused my body to not produce testosterone.... its not exactly a lie.... but grr. idk.
im just not sure if/when/how/what to tell her.
This is what sucks bout being us. Yes it is lying and I have had this conversation with my mom, I live in an area where I can't poise as a guy so I have never had that experience. But I have had to tell people I have been in relationships with and one's who I wanted to be in relationships with but they were straight. My mom always says if you ever do transition you need to tell the person, if they walk away then there is better out there, but if they stay they are worth it.
How serious are you and her?
good friends. she knows i like her, but has weird views on actual dating.
Whenever this topic comes up I wonder "If you have the right to lie to her about X, does that give her the right to lie to you about Y?" And who knows what her "y" is?
Weird views? Hmm. . . well maybe just sit tight and play it out. Think of all the pros and cons of telling her vs. not. What is the worst possible thing that could happen. . .I have found being transgender has given me ONE and I do mean ONE positive thing: I can read people like a book the first time I meet them. I attribute it to needing to protect myself and keep good people around me. If you are good at it too then you know whether or not you can trust her. .interested in dating you or not.
Brady
QuoteWhenever this topic comes up I wonder "If you have the right to lie to her about X, does that give her the right to lie to you about Y?" And who knows what her "y" is?
thanks to living in america, we both have the right to lie.
i don't see any reason to tell her unless it was actually gonna become a relationship.
or if you did "stuff".
Quote from: Jasonk16 on October 24, 2008, 12:50:48 AM
i don't see any reason to tell her unless it was actually gonna become a relationship.
or if you did "stuff".
haha well the way i am, the dating would come before the "stuff"
Quote from: tekla on October 24, 2008, 12:46:05 AM
Whenever this topic comes up I wonder "If you have the right to lie to her about X, does that give her the right to lie to you about Y?" And who knows what her "y" is?
I wish life was like algebra, cause I understand it and love it. People aren't equations. . .its complicated and lets be honest. . .transgender to society is not a small secret. To the uneducated and unexposed. . .it can freak them out. But I do wish things were the opposite way tekia. .
Unless you really feel like it might move forward, I'd personally, hold out on telling her. I've went through this a million and one times, and have regretted opening myself up like that on more than one occasion. Feel the situation out a little more before you drop any "truths" on her. If she starts to reciprocate the feelings, then most definitely tell her, until then, I'd wait..
Darius - I can't agree with you more about reading people. I can read just about anyone, like an open book, within the first couple minutes of just talking to them. I've called stuff on people from the get go, and had other people say "no they seem nice, bla bla" a month or two later, I can't even count how many times I've heard "you were right..", it's a knack I think a lot of us have grown accustomed to. It's always been a defense mechanism for me.
pros:
weight off of my chest
cons:
she may hate me
she might not be my friend any more
she might not want a relationship with me
might tell people that im a "lesbian"
might tell people that im "really a girl"
Quote from: Jasonk16 on October 24, 2008, 12:50:48 AM
i don't see any reason to tell her unless it was actually gonna become a relationship.
or if you did "stuff".
I Second that. This is need-to-know info. Unless she's into you, she doesn't need-to-know. It's first/second date material to me, maybe second just to be safe because you don't want to THINK you're on a date and be the only one thinking that. (Awkward).
So if she ever makes it to the dating scene, I don't know what her views are that you mentioned, then maybe tell her on the second date.
How old are you? That plays a lot into telling her.
ill be 18 in november
Oh your in High School then. .People don't know at your school your female? Well where im from I would tell you hell no don't tell anyone unless you trust them more than your mom. But in college I think after you have gotten to know her and vice versa it could be ok.
PS-I feel old. . .haha
a lot of the upperclassmen know about me from knowing me from before, but a lot of the underclassmen dont. and thats what she is. im not really trying to hide it from her, she just hasnt heard it from anyone.
This is what i say. . .Continue but take it VERY slow. One because if she doesn't reciprocate those feelings, and trust me that is the worst, you won't let yourself down. Get to know each other. . there is nothing wrong with that and let what happens. . happen
The point is that your worried about not telling her so you care. .that is a good start. Keep your head up. . High school is tuff but you learn a lot about yourself.
It ain't no Algebra, it's the basic foundation of interpersonal relationships. If you begin it by lying, how can you ever expect the truth in return? And in 50 some trips around the sun, I've never seen a relationship built on lies that is anything more than castles made of sand, and the first wave that comes along, just washes them away.
But maybe it is Algebra, both sides always equal out. You get what you give.
Quote from: trapthavok on October 24, 2008, 12:58:47 AM
Quote from: Jasonk16 on October 24, 2008, 12:50:48 AM
i don't see any reason to tell her unless it was actually gonna become a relationship.
or if you did "stuff".
I Second that. This is need-to-know info. Unless she's into you, she doesn't need-to-know. It's first/second date material to me
So if she ever makes it to the dating scene, I don't know what her views are that you mentioned, then maybe tell her on the second date.
Exactly the best advice I could give you. I would just wait until you find out if she is actually intrested in you like that. How well do you know her then?
I also agree with Trap.
I personally don't think it is lying. Does that mean when you get on hormones and have surgery you are still lying? Does that mean you are female?
I don't think so. I don't think that not telling someone that you are transgender is a direct lie or even one at all. What business is it outside of a relationship? Why would it matter outside of it? If she is interested in you and wants to take things further, then yes, maybe you should say something but right now you are not causing harm.
You are transitioning, yes? You are male, even though your physical may not match, that is not a lie. Having a birth defect that relates to lack of testosterone is not a lie, it is true.
If I were you, I'd try to find out what she thinks of those who are transgender. But if you are friends and she shows interest in dating you, I'd tell her before you actually start. If she is a good friend, she should be understanding. I know all my friends seemed to be very understanding about it... I guess the thing is, you know her better than we do. Ask yourself, how would she react and what kind of person is she when information like that is leaked?
I'd feel like it's a lie.
The girl I like knows I'm trans. She knew me as "a girl" for 4 years. I think we might be "going out." I don't know what that means, when it's official or what, but we like each other and even though she knows I'm trans she accepts me as a guy.
I couldn't see a relationship with someone any other way. I couldn't keep this "secret." I'm actually very public about being trans. Only people who don't know are a lot of my classmates, because I don't want to be a distraction in a learning environment.
I'm openly transitioning at work, and within my social circle, so I don't really have the same problem, but I agree with the common sentiment here, withholding information until a relationship progresses to a deeper level is just common sense.
I think your dodge of saying you have a condition is a bit misleading. I would remain silent on the matter unless it is of specific concern. While it is a true statement, it's a lie of omission, because there is a very pertinent piece of data missing, and she may feel like she was lied to when the full truth does come out.
This cat is out of the bag, the only way you can correct the situation is to out yourself, which I'm not convinced is the wisest course of action at this point. I would feel her out some more - perhaps plan a group activity with a lesbian or gay couple involved and see how she reacts?
And, in the future, I would say it's better to remain completely silent on the issue of hormones or conditions until you're ready to have the trans discussion.
It's no one else's business until it's time to get naked.
Quote from: flutter on October 24, 2008, 02:17:50 PM
It's no one else's business until it's time to get naked.
HAHA I love it. .that is totally quotable flutter. .
Feel free. 8)
well i talked to her.... and she already knew!!! i was like zomg... OMGWTFBBQ!!!@#2@!!2! but shes fine with it.
that's great bud. :)
Quote from: Chet on October 24, 2008, 04:51:04 PM
well i talked to her.... and she already knew!!! i was like zomg... OMGWTFBBQ!!!@#2@!!2! but shes fine with it.
Great to hear!
I knew things would work out fine. :)
Ya know there are great people out there. And maybe you just found one. Its nice to have those positive moments since we seem to have a lot more negative. Enjoy it then. . .
I just read this thread, and I was going to ask if you were sure she didn't know. Things get around schools very quick. Then I got to the end and saw that you wrote she already knew lol im glad she was cool about it and hopefully everything goes well for you.
yea, we have been talking a lot lately. shes almost like a GF already minus the title.
Chet that is awesome dude!
Quote from: Chet on October 24, 2008, 04:51:04 PM
well i talked to her.... and she already knew!!! i was like zomg... OMGWTFBBQ!!!@#2@!!2! but shes fine with it.
HEYYYYYYYYYY! *pumps his fists in the air and then gives Chet a big ol' hug*