THE WITHERED WOMAN
I've heard of so much about spousal abuse in my life and witnessed it! I
know this a two way street. I know there are woman out there that abuse
a man emotionally and sometimes even physically. But today, this one is
for the ladies! What in the hell gets in a man's head to outright hurt
his lady! Is that a sick way of viewing love? How could a man
deliberately inflict physical pain and beat on the one that's supposed
to be his love and soul mate! I've read a few blogs here on thoughts
that have put tears in my eyes about this kind of abuse! I think most
of us have seen the movie "the burning bed" But I'm not here to focus
on that right now. This post is about my wife. People don't get the
point of my struggle with the otherside! Before the eyes of god I do
feel guilty. Before the eyes of humans I feel pride! I rather enjoy my
otherside with love and pride. I feel at my best when my otherside is
at full speed! The emotions are breath taking along with the confidence
I need! Some of my writing depicts me as being tormented by it. In the
past year I have made leaps and bounds in showing my otherside on the
outside! I am not at all ashamed of it. In my past emails and post I
denied it because of one reason, my wife! This post is mainly for her
and other women that may be married to a man with my inner feelings. My
wife is a wonderful woman to me. I can't fathom the thought of hurting
her! But yet the way I am on the inside refuses to be ignored anymore!
I hurt her emotionally everyday just by being myself! I feel that being
myself is abusing her! Now do you know and understand what is tearing
apart my soul?! I wish that I could be the man she deserves. I tried to
change for her! The pressure builds over time and the result is
sometimes reflected in my writing that is so passionate for my female
side! I can only walk away from it for so long, and then without
warning, I have the perfect emotional storm which just floors me! She
is not me, and I quite frankly get mad at her sometimes for her lack of
understanding. I think she sometimes thinks I do this purposely. It
tears me apart, because the one thing in the whole world I'm not
capable of doing is leaving her, not to go live my otherside, I'm just
so sick of putting her through it! I don't want to lose her, but I'm
losing me. Something's got give! Her confidence in her self is shot to
hell; she doesn't keep herself up very well. Everyday she makes sure my
coffee is ready the moment I wake up. Everyday she is the main one
raising our grandson. Everyday she makes damn sure I have a good lunch
for work. Everyday she is there for me despite how she feels inside! I
love you wife, I'm so sorry everything has turned out so tragic. Only
time will tell if we'll remain together. I sometimes wonder is it
really love that makes you stay with me, or are you just that afraid
and insecure that you that you can't walk away from this marriage? Only
women bleed, I'm in tears and sorry that I'm the one who cut you. But I
can't be sorry for being myself. I hope are marriage will endure this,
because I have no intentions on cheating. I guess that makes me the
emotional abuser, huh? I love you wife.
(1-10-2008)