I am feeling really depressed now. I want to be a girl, but I don't feel like I've made any progress towards that at all. I want to stop thinking about it, but I can't. On top of that I've got all kinds of sexual desires that can't be satisfied at all. I'm also afraid that if I transition it will hurt my mom and dad. My body feels so disgusting too. It's too much for me to take and sometimes I just want to give up.
Aww. I wish I could help. here's a hug.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv410%2Fhcorps_Shinigami%2Fanime%2Fhug.gif&hash=86f80b7dc8bbfc52d1f0257f7ecb682236bd8cf4)
Honey, as dark as things seem right now, you have to keep hoping and believing that things will get better. And they will, as long as you keep working towards it.
You're still young, and that sometimes makes it very difficult to accomplish things, so you need to focus on what you can change and put the things you can't on hold for later. If you aren't progressing because you lack the funds, get a job. Even if you are still studying full-time or something, a part-time job gives you that regular income you need to start saving on towards your future. In the meantime, if at all possible, get your endo to put you on anti-androgens. They will buy you a year or two worth of time while you sort out the rest of your life.
As to the fears about your mom and dad - honey, ultimately you have to live for you. I know how hard it is to face the prospect of being rejected and abandoned, but until you do face that possibility, you won't advance, because other people's expectations, or rather, the expectations and reactions you think they have, will rule you. If you truly fear they will react badly and abandon you, make sure you are independent before telling them, but honey, somewhere along the line you will have to face that fear. Remember, when you try to please everybody you just end up disappointing them, yourself most of all. Be true to yourself, live your life well and the rest will follow.
As to the sex thing - honey, that's normal too. If you're anything like me and going through a later-puberty (which I've noticed is fairly common amongst us) your male hormones are now kicking into overdrive. Getting onto anti-androgens will help alot with this, not to mention blocking the T from masculinizing your body more.
~Simone.
Aelita, these things will take time. As Simone said, you need to be able to live for yourself, but I know that right now it seems really difficult because you're young and still rely on your parents (I'm assuming). Save your money. Try to do what you can right now for yourself. Tell yourself that one day you will be the woman you want to be, but for right now this is where you are and that's ok, it won't be forever.
As for the sexual desires...I know how you feel, and I wish I could help but that too will take time.
Hi,
I agree with the previous posts.
It is really natural for you to feel the way you do being disgusted by your body, feeling as though you're not making any progress, and being a little obsessed and overwhelmed by all the thinking.
The absolute best thing you can do now is to draw up a possible plan. Do the things that you can do now. Be prepared to do the things that you will need to do later. Ask yourself what can you do now? Every little step makes the bigger steps easier.
As for the parents, are you seeing a therapist? Do you have a support group or know any other trans people? If you have a therapist and you're still early in stating your feelings out loud, then after some more time, you will be more comfortable with the thought of speaking to your parents. I found that it became easier with the more people I could speak to. There comes a point where hearing your own words doesn't scare you. It makes it easier to concentrate on the people you need to tell for serious. Though I believe that nobody has an easy time telling their parents.
I wish you well
I try to take my day step by step. Me and you, we are both currently in the same boat. I EXACTLY just like you do...minus the sexual desires.
I'm depressed a lot these days (which has a SERIOUS impact on my face. People notice it.) Not to mention the fact I'm socially inept and so introverted I haven't had human interaction for DAYS. But I manage to get by. For my lack of living life, I have found the best way for me to cope for the time being is to consume myself with things I love doing.
Find something to occupy yourself, something that you lvoe doing, and will continue to love doing even after you transition. Got a hobby that makes you go all mushy inside? Or maybe time with your friends? Well, as long as you stay occupied, your depression should decrease.
As for your parents...if they can't accpet it, you'll hurt them if you do it. You'll hurt yourself if you don't do it. Or maybe the whole thing will bring you closer together. No matter what though, it's your choice, and not doing things to stop your own pain is just plain no good. Although, your consideration of them shows you love them.
WHY does life have to be such a !@$#* sometimes?
I'm rather late to act on similar feelings which I've had for years, depressed all the time, with many of the concerns you express, Aelita Lynn. Most of my family knows about my tg, and some friends. I'm hoping you can feel better, for I found comfort and truth in everything which was said previously.
Tomorrow, a trans friend is going to mention me to her therpist, and try to set up my first consult. I've been a train-wreck for days just thinking about it, ( I'm broke, unemployed, but I need to do this, at any cost), because it's the first real step I've taken ( in almost thirty years) towards acting on and identifying my true self, and learning where I want to go with it. I wish, oh my how I wish I had gone deeper into it when I was younger, if only to know one thing or the other. Thirty years of hiding from oneself is extremely stressful, and I wouldn't wish that on you.
I hope you feel better,
*hugs*
Find something buisy to do, like I am ALWAYS depressed(But not suicidal dont worry), always think why did this happen to me, and even things-weird-look in the mirror and think this is my life, what is the meaning of life, kinda like this is me and why am I, this is me its really hard to explain.
Find a good tv show to watch(House, Naruto...), a good hobby(Look up ben heck in google-Its like my life doing that stuff)or work out, run, anything athletic. I forget the name of what it is, but your body releases chemicals that make you calm and relaxed when you do.
-Also, therapists arent necessary, I dont have one and Im fine I think of other things that help me, or I am my own therapist and use self-help.
Quote from: Kelsey on December 21, 2008, 12:14:19 AM
-Also, therapists arent necessary, I dont have one and Im fine I think of other things that help me, or I am my own therapist and use self-help.
Oh joy, now you've got me re-thinking this aspect. I do agree with the hobby concept, however. That is good therapy.
If you are feeling a realy bad need to be a girl woman, female and it is constant on your mind, then you are most likely experiencing GID. As for having sexual desires, when I was younger I had frequent strong sexual desires, especially thinking of myself being female. I feared these feelings but there is no reason to fear them. They change in time as you become more oriented accordingly to who you become after all the confusion and feelings get all sorted out.
As for a therapist, if you are experiencing the above that I mentioned I beleive you will need the guidance of a professional gender therapist. No amount of self therapy will help you when it comes to the confusion fear and pain brought on by GID. Trying to figure or sort it all out on your own will confuse you even more and make you more depressed when you fail gaining control of your feelings. Anyway I will pray for you and I also send hugs.
Other then that hon there is not much more I can tell you except for the symptoms and effects of GID. I don't beleive anyone knows for certain what the cause is. One of the presumptions is an hormonal imbalance in the genesis of the mind-sex identity. That is just a theory.
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Cindy
Sweetie, you are going through a hard period right now and no one will deny that its difficult. But dont for a second give up hope, it will all come together for you as surely as the sun rises. I honestly would also advise that you try to find a way to find a good Therapist that is TS sympathetic, or at the very least a Doctor that can diagnose your depression and treat it. I went through a lifetime of depression and only just recently allowed myself to be prescribed meds. Now I feel foolish that I didnt and find my life with them much better.
As for your Mom and Dad, I understand how you feel. It was because of my Dad that I first started burying my self. I am now 61 and doing what I should have done many years ago. I am not telling you have to rush right out and tell them, but you have live your life, your parents cannot do it for you forever. Get help for your depression and then work on the rest. Hugs and love. An Ya, Im a Grandma, lol.
Wendy
Quote from: Aelita Lynn on December 20, 2008, 01:43:23 PM
I am feeling really depressed now. I want to be a girl, but I don't feel like I've made any progress towards that at all. I want to stop thinking about it, but I can't. On top of that I've got all kinds of sexual desires that can't be satisfied at all. I'm also afraid that if I transition it will hurt my mom and dad. My body feels so disgusting too. It's too much for me to take and sometimes I just want to give up.
Although my issues with my body are completely different from yours (I'm diabetic, I have thyroid fluctuations, I have a high microalbumin count, I can't put on weight and I'm borderline anorexic, etc.), I can say that I understand what it's like to feel betrayed by your body. Although the emotionality of what I'm about to say is completely different, as a metaphor/parallel, I think it's a good match.
When I was diagnosed diabetic, the end goal was to have an insulin pump. That is the closest thing to having a real, working pancreas short of having a real, working pancreas. I wasn't born with one, but I didn't find that out until way late (I was 22... it's part of the reason I have so many other problems). But you can't just get an insulin pump, because you have to learn how to be a diabetic.
The first time I passed out from low blood gleucose (29), I was horrified. The first time I, in my insulin-shocked sleep, threw my mother against a wall, broke the nose of an EMT, and nearly broke the ribs of two cops (blood gleucose 24), I was terrified. Every time I felt tired I didn't know if it was because of fatigue or if I was yet again in diabetic ketoacidosis (it happens when blood gleucose exceeds 250), it felt like death had already happened and I was too stupid to realize it. I had to learn, from scratch, how to survive, hour-by-hour, even in my sleep.
I'll give you the advice that I gave myself. You have to promise yourself never to allow yourself to slide. If, when you slide, it happens despite your efforts rather than because of your lethargy, then no matter how it feels you'll have won a minor victory. And every time you succeed, it won't be on accident. It'll be because you made it happen. Eventually, you will get what you want. It took me years (and a serious blowout with CIGNA... there was actually an article in the New York Times that referenced it), but I finally did. I promise you, so can you, because what you're doing is not really much different from what I was doing. We're just fixing what's wrong with our bodies.
Hi Grandma, meet another grandma. There are a few of us around here it apears. That's good, I think it is wonderful to see the elders come out to share and tell with other of the younger generation.
Cindy
Im not going to hijack the thread Cindy so I'll try to keep my joy of Grandparenting in context with it. :) I have 12 grandchildren in range from 5 to 18, and four of them very close to me, twin boy and girl 12, boys 17 and 18, the oldest is gay. Being this close and myself going through puberty again and listening to the challenges here of the young ones and of of my young grandchildren just makes me want to help.
Puberty and even normal life is full of challenges, especially these times we have now and I know the pain of what I put myself through over the years in trying not to deny my femaleness but essentially burying it, mostly for the sake of others and keeping it hidden from the world. None of us should ever have to do that. While I cherish the time I have had with my children, if the clock could be set back I would have pursued my transition with everything I had in me.
I do not advocate running full speed to the finish line and fortunately there are people now that will help one of us get through the doubts she is facing. I just dont like to see someone hiding their feeling in order to please someone else. It just comes to no good end to do that. Being GID is a difficult thing to be but it also has its rewards. Love yourself first and then you can fully love others. Hugs
Wendy
Hi Wendy C I think hijacking a thread is OK when just making acquaintance like this, but then heck I always seem to be thread busting, unintentionally of course. I think it's OK as long a one lets the good folks of that thread have their thread back after your done. ;D
But it is wonderful to meet you and I couldn't agree more on what you have shared with us on your post. You may want to check this thread out you may find it interesting, if you haven't already found it. There is so much more that could be added to that thread. That's another thing that annoys me, we just get started on a really interesting topic then it dies off??????
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=51110.new;topicseen#new (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=51110.new;topicseen#new)
I had 11 children in my care at one time to another through the years and 7 grand children. My foster daughter had 6 children last I heard from her. The last children I had under my roof were a friends 3 children I had in my care 7 years ago. One of the kids I had in my care is still with his mom and the older boy is on his own and little Samantha is with her aunt in Pennsylvania. She would be at the age of boy chasing by now. ;D
I believe we could have some pretty good stories to swap.
Take a look at my blog, that is one of the reasons I started that blog so that I wouldn't have to retell my life's story over and over again.
My blog is Cindy's Ramblings Blog under the blogging section at the bottom section of the page here.
Quote from: Pariah on December 20, 2008, 08:07:17 PM
WHY does life have to be such a !@$#* sometimes?
Because that's how I like it!
signed,
GOD
Life is what you make it. So you made a mistake, learn from it an move on. Each time you stub your toes on a log it will make you more alert and watchful for the next one. Leaning from errors, is the pathway to success. Took a lot of toe stubbing before I learned which path to walk with the least logs in the way.
Cindy
Quote from: Rebis on December 22, 2008, 04:36:07 PM
Quote from: Pariah on December 20, 2008, 08:07:17 PM
WHY does life have to be such a !@$#* sometimes?
Because that's how I like it!
signed,
GOD
Because if we never have bad times, then what makes the good times good? Life would always be good, making it always good normal and then life would then neither be good or bad
In my opinion solitude is one of the worst things you can do for depression and GID having friends who understand and care about you is one of the best ways to fight it. Trying to hold it inside and not get any help will can lead to self destruction.*hug*
anyway if you need someone to talk to my yahoo im is in my profile and im on a lot
Up until a week ago I was feeling the same way with out the sexual desires. My goal was first to become the woman I should have been then worry about the sexual desires. I started going to a therapist in Oct. I just need to talk to some one and all I wanted was to accept who I was and to control it so I could keep it a secert.
New Years eve something came over me, the woman in me demanded she nedd to come out and New Years Day I was bouncing off the walls fighting with myself not to come out. My Mother is 81 and lives with me and comes from a very religous catholic family. I didnt want to tell her because I was afraid she would break down but it was me who broke down and cried. She said she was upset only because I suffered for so long. She said she understands what I am going through because I gave her so much info on GID and said that I shouldnt hold it in anymore and be who I am. So what I am saying is I was so wrong about her. I was so afraid of hurting her and it didnt hurt her. She said she would love me just the same. If you decide to come out to your parents dont stop and think about it because you will only talk yourself out of it. I know because that is why it took me so long to do it.
and once I started telling her I knew if I stopped before I got it all out I wouldnt do it.