Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi,

Im Male age 22, i have normal hobbies, Dj'in, computers, DIY - love making stuff!

From the age of about 13 ive never been happy, i dont even know what it feels like. i have all these things flying around my head and i cant make sense of any of them. Last night when i found this forum it was a kinda relief.

i want to try and write down everything thats in my mind just incase someone else can make sense of it as i dont have a clue but i dont want to post it in the wrong place, can someone help?

Thanks

Try the "just for us" section I would guess.

i dont know where that is!!

lol

Hi!...its the first selection under the community conversation section.

Quote from: tekla on January 02, 2009, 08:10:56 AM
Try the "just for us" section I would guess.

The "Just For Us" section does not open for a new user until they have 15 posts.

-Sandy

well it looks like its back to throwing the thoughts around my head with no hope of a resolution lol.

cheers for the help ladies
have fun

Quote from: Selene on January 02, 2009, 08:33:22 AM
Hi!...its the first selection under the community conversation section.

My god Selene you are pritty.

Sorry, i just had to say that

Quote from: yvbwsf on January 02, 2009, 09:32:27 AM
well it looks like its back to throwing the thoughts around my head with no hope of a resolution lol.

cheers for the help ladies
have fun

You are already at 6 posts, yvbwsf, it's not really hard to get to fifteen.

Besides there are other lists here where you can discuss your issues.  It doesn't have to be in the "JFU" section.  We aren't that hard and fast about what posts belong where.

For example if you consider yourself transgender, please feel free to make a post in the transgender section.  If it is felt that it should be moved, one of the moderators will move the post to the appropriate section.  Though really the only posts that really get moved are the ones that are blatantly sexual in content will be moved to the sexuality section.

We really want people to have an open dialog here so feel free to express yourself.

-Sandy

Righteo here we go...

(Cheers 4 the message Selene, it wierdly give the 'balls' to write this!)

Firstly ive never said any of this to any one, i even avoid thinking it that way it may not be true. I aint going to try and make sense of whats in my head, my heart, my feelings as i dont have a chance im simply going to write down the thoughts as they happen in my head, therefore this probably wont make sense too you, if it does please explain it too me.

Im scared of these thoughts, they terrify me to the bone. ive hidden from them for so long its near impossible to face them.

Im 22, male. Im quite small with a slim frame. i obviously look like a boy (by the way, if i use the words boy or girl i mean adults not kids, its just i like the sound of the words, they make me feel good (wierd i know)). I like being a boy, i do, i like doing the man things, but i have this emptyness, dissappointment, a feeling of almost 'not being human', im not happy with myself.

I like playing the boy but i also really really really like thinking of myself as a girl, im happier (or what i percieve to be happyness) when i am being submissive when i basically act like a girl (always on my own in private never in public). I like hugging my teddy sat on my bed, i like standing like a girl, sitting like a girl etc.  ...already im confused!

My past...
Ive never fit in, ive always been the person to prefer being on my own. I got bullied when i was younger at school, dont want to get into the details but what this tought me was i had to hide myself from the world in order to get through life and not get hurt. so i changed, i became a different me, i had confidence, i didnt back down, i made alot of friends some good and some bad. i learnt alot and for a while i thought this was me. turns out i was just hiding whats always been there... i think. Ive had 3 girlfriends, each of them i really enjoyed being with, but the times i was most happy with these was when i was being held by them, when i was laying on them basically when i sneaked a bit of submissive behavouir into the situation.

When i was young (about 5-12 yrs) i always played with the girls, got alot of stick from my male friends but i enjoyed playing with the girls, i do remember once when i was staying at a friends house i looked at her and the pink pj's she was wearing and i cried, didnt tell her why but it was because i was jealous, because i wanted long hair, i wanted the pink room, i wanted the pj's. i have only recently remembered this when i looked at a pic of myself and her.

im starting to think that this has always been inside of me.

The big question..... Do i like boys or girls.

The answer: both! my perfect dream, the one that would make me feel complete ( i think) is a boyfriend and a girlfriend (dont think 3 some's would work tho) Id like to play the boy and the girl, go for a boys night out but come hope and let him take control of me :) the girl to love, to F but also to be feminine with, play dress up, go shopping, curl up with a chick flick and popcorn (chocolate goes without saying!). Wont go into the sex side of things. Being in a relationship with a boy and a girl would make me complete, i think id finally get to feel happy, id feel on top of the world ( my heart is beating so fast just thinking about it :))

I have alot of friends around me, people from all walks of life, but none of them, not a single one cani talk to about ME, the REAL ME. Im completly alone when it coems to whats inside.

I dont wish for a miracle cure, i dont wish for everything to be ok all i wish for at this point in time is someone to be there for me, someone to be there for. Im not saying a partner, god that would be a dream (dreams never come true for me) just a friend that i can talk to, a friend that i can be myself with, give a hug and recieve a hug. curl up on the sofa with, act a bit girly with, give a checky kiss on the cheek. I have to say this is not a sexual need, sex is taking a backseat untill i know more about me. Id love a girl friend who i could go shopping with, and get dressed up with (never tried dressing up, im too scared, too shy but i would love to try it). ive just realised something..... i dont actually have a clue about what i want! im so confused, im so alone.

this is not a lie this is the point blank truth......

Everytime i sleep i make a wish to not wake up, everytime i wake im upset that i have woken. i have enough 'substances' in my house to kill a small village, ive been close many a time but ya know why i dont? nope? neither do i. i want this to end, i cant deal with this no more. i dont know what to do, where to go. (im starting to cry now) if i was to die i wouldnt feel like this, i wouldnt hate myself. i wouldnt be a dissappointment to myself.

guna curl up with my teddy and go to sleep, the tears will stop and when im alseep the pain stops.

i suppose the one good thing from this is that i have finally allowed people to see the freak inside, the freak against nature.

WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE ME? WHY WAS I BORN? WHY CANT I BE 'NORMAL'?

First off, you are among friends!

Second, YOU ARE NOT A FREAK!!!!  ***HUGS***

Maybe I should have said that first.

Please, Please, PLEASE, if you feel yourself slipping down that suicide slope, get help!  Call someone, anyone!  You are loved.  You deserve a life.  Please don't let this get to you.  I too would wish never to wake up.  Please, there is joy in the world and you can have that.  Don't bring your life to an end.  You have so much to live for.  The best is yet to come!  Really!!!

The feelings you have described are quite understandable.  Really.  Many of them are similar to the feelings I had.

Obviously you are confused about your nature and your feelings.  Again many of us have had exactly the same confusion.

Your sexual orientation is not a real problem.  Many of us have had very er, fluid orientation throughout our lives.  Whoever you are attracted to is really no problem as long as you don't feel guilty about it.

Also realize that sexual orientation and gender identity are two separate issues.  So don't worry about whether or not you are gay based on whether or not you are a boy/girl.

If you haven't already, please look into getting into therapy.  If for nothing else, for the suicidal ideation.  Though if you can find a therapist with gender counseling background that would be even better.  That would be probably your best first step.

Of course you can talk with the people here too.  But getting help from a professional is best.

I wish the best for you, yvbwsf, you are loved.

-Sandy

BTW: Do you have a "real" name?  yvbwsf is really awkward.  If it is your real name, is it the first name or last?  ;D

Normal is just some statistical average.  Life is much weirder than that.

Kassandra - cheers for the reply, made me feel a little better, for a short time atleast.

Therapy, mmmm. that scares me. i dont have a clue how to go about it, and not forgetting if i did go theres not a chance in h3ll i could talk about the real me, ive hidden it for so long. i would just end up talking about the me people know. the thought of it is making me shake. clicking 'post' was hard enough i very nearly closed the window.

I get what your saying about the suicide, help would be beneficial but i aint strong enough to go get it, i just aint.

Plus there are other factors that do and will stop me from facing me. the main one i cannot say, i cannot explain, its too riskly. basically if any of my thoughts or what ive said on here was found out by anyone i know it would only be a matter of hours before a certain group of people found out. I aint exagerating about this and i dont mean a 'kick in' they would without a doubt fulfill my wish never to wake. its complicated, i used to live a life which i thoroughly enoyed but it carried certain risks, even though i have left the risks still exist - bet it makes no sense lol.

If i was to face it i would have to move away, far away and leave everyone with no explanation, that i cannot do.

Errr, call me Mark - ill change my name in settings.

By normal i mean, born a boy, act a boy, fancy girls

i really wish i could get help. im not strong enough.

all of this and everything i have been thinking & feeling just confirms that i aint ever going to be happy with myself, i aint ever guna enjoy life, i aint ever going to feel love or give love, im always guna to hate myself im always guna be alone with this pain inside. The only option is to continue ignoring them, keep living a fake life, fake face, fake smile. It may rott my sole to do so but i might not have a choice. living in the hope that my wish may come true.

People say 'make the best of what you've got' - im just guna have to make the best of what i do have..... sod all lol lol

cheers for the chat
be happy people!

Hon, Kassandra said it all very well and Welcome to Susan's by the way. GID or Gender Identity Dysphoria from the latest I've head affects 1 in 2500 males and females. I think the numbers are higher than that personally. Thats really a lot, so you should not feel embarrased or wierd about having these feelings.

The fact that you are here seeking answers says a lot. I suggest you look up GID on wikipedia, take your time and see if any of it fits. You should also have no fear of a good Therapist that deals in gender therapy and IS sympathetic to transsexualism. They are there to help you and will work with you in discovering who you really are. No one should have to walk this life in confusion.

I think what you will find here are a  lot of people that share or have shared the same feelings you are having. You will also find men and women that have found peace in their minds and hearts and they come in all ages, some starting early and some late in life.

Just know that you have help here or just a sympatheic ear if thats all you want. Hugs

Wendy

Hello Mark and welcome to Susan's! 

Thanks so much for introducing yourself.  Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)before posting, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Main_Page), chat (https://www.susans.org/chat/index.html), and the links listed at the main page. (https://www.susans.org/index.html)  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay!  :)

tink :icon_chick:

Hey Mark, just trying to get a message to you somehow, don't know if you'll get this, but I haven't done 15 posts yet, so don't worry, I wasn't ignoring your message. Email me or whatever and we can chat, you should be able to get the email off the old blog or wherever (figured best not to write it here, don't know if I'd get into trouble if I did). Speak to you soon, hopefully then.