Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Yo, found this place by typing 'transgendered forum' into Firefox's address bar on a whim.

To start, how young does anybody think is too young to seriously consider being transgendered and/or genderqueer? I've heard of talkshows featuring kids as young as 3, but I don't really take those as reality.

I personally started first considering the possibility of being FtM when I was 9 (read: when I started puberty, up until then I never really gave gender much of a thought,) but the therapist I was seeing 'convinced' me I was only thinking of it to fight against how everybody was treating me differently. As soon as I stopped seeing him, though, the idea came back. Well, I shouldn't say idea, because that might make it seem it's not as important to me as it is.

Even so, though, I have no intentions of coming out while I'm in this town. I live in a rural, close-knit, closeminded community in the northern part of the US. There is an open MtF in my town, and, to be blunt, I don't want to end up like her. I have no doubt in my mind that she's the way she is now (a half-senile drunkard) because of how people treated her. I'm talking about broken bones, serious mental trauma, ect. In fact, I'm the only person I know who actively refers to her by her preferred gender, and that includes my supposedly tolerant friends. So, yeah. Coming out here, not a good idea.

Anyways, I'm sure people are going "Well how old are you now?" so yeah. I'm 18. So, not including the year or so my previous therapist was manipulating me, that means this has been going on for 9 years.

I've had my plans set for a while. I'm going to finish my courses at the community college, find a job as a computer repairman somewhere far away (haven't quite worked out an exact place yet, any suggestions?) and then start to transition. I don't need a whole lot as far as basics go, I don't even like watching TV or anything, so I'm sure I can save up the money. Or maybe even move up into a better paying job (my ultimate goal is to become a programmer for a game design studio. Hence why I'm taking up Computer Programming now at the college, despite my advisor trying to convince me otherwise.)

But, plans aside, I have a new therapist. And despite a rocky start, I realize she's tons better for me than the therapist I had when I was 9. I'm considering telling her, as it is I've dropped some majorly nuclear hints her way. Right now, she seems to be focusing on my supposed 'mommy issues' (long story, and not really relevant, but in short form my mother was a drug dealer for most of my childhood.) I don't blame her, there's no way she could know that there's something else bothering me way more than that.

But that would break my no-coming-out-in-this-town rule. Granted, unless I chose to enlist her help on acting upon it, she's not legally allowed to say a word, but still. Paranoid, I suppose.

Then there's my first name. I think that I might go ahead and change my last name to that of my father's, and he's really happy about that idea (of course, he doesn't know about the rest of my plans.) But I've been wondering about the first name. I mean, that's used much more often. I know the main rule many people tell me, to look at what were popular names 18 years ago rather than popular names now, but I don't feel that any of the names I've looked at really fit.

Except one I've recently been heavily leaning towards, though it doesn't fit in with the my-birth-year rule. It's supposed to be a unisex name, but I know people will assume it's feminine, at least until I'm able to pass. That and other, more personal reasons why I'm both horribly against and massively for it.

Speaking of passing...

I don't. Lol. I know I don't and I want want want to, but I know it'd be an exercise in futility. One, because everybody here already thinks of me as female, and two, because of the fact I managed to end up the most curvy out of my entire family. I have a binder (lied to my mother and told her it was for back pain,) but to be honest just makes me look flatchested and bottomheavy instead. I still wear it for the massive confidence-boost though. Besides, I've seen some pretty bottomheavy bioguys. Not quite as much as I am, but still.

But my face. I know my face is girly. When I try to get a male haircut, I just look butch instead. I don't really like the idea of using makeup to hide it, since I can't shake the idea of makeup being for girls. Again, I've seen guys with really girly faces, but I don't really want to be a really girly guy, or even a really manly guy. I just want to be average. Hence why I don't want to name myself something unique or out of my name-era.

So, yeah. I rambled a bit more than I originally meant to, but if you read those blocks of text, thanks.

Well then, hi and bye and all that. Feel free to ask any questions or make any comments/suggestions/whatever. Oh, and you can call me Pay, should you want to refer to me by a specific name. That'll work until I figure out a real name.

Hi Pay
and welcome. You have a lot os issues and hopefully you will find answers here. You will find friends and people who have had similar experiences
LoL

Cindy James

Hello there and welcome to Susan's! 

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