So I met a girl back in my homestate last summer while I was back visiting. A "friend of a friend" type situation. We met at a bonfire, I just happened to sit next to her and just kicked the crap so to speak. I could tell she was extremely shy, she mostly just giggled at what I had to say (which is a good thing). She was the complete OPPOSITE of my normal "type". I seem to go for the loud, obnoxious, dramatic, shallow, crazy, carry a whole lot of baggage type girls. She's quiet but witty, very artsy, down to earth, SIMPLE, NON dramatic, a big smartass (which I love), and just all around a very wholesome genuine girl. Not to mention extremely cute. Well we really only spoke that night, and I flew back to Cali.
I added her on myspace back in September, and we randomly started sending messages back and forth. I was still dealing with a previous ex, who I was with for 6-7 months, and was slowly exiting the picture. I really didn't have any feelings for this new girl, I thought she was super cool, but didn't think much of her romantically. She's a fulltime art student, and one day I was looking at her pictures, and she had done an oil painting of me, from a picture off my myspace, because she said the "lighting was good" and she needed it for a class, haha. The moment I saw it, my heart beat out of my chest. Not only did it look exactly like me (stunning 8) ) but she had took the time to paint ME. I've had girls do nice things for me before, but this was so personable. In that instant, my attraction level towards her went through the roof, and I HAD to get to know this girl more.
So I shoot her my number mid October, and it goes from an hour here and there, to 4-5 hour convos, everynight, for the next 2 months. She's very much introverted, to my extroverted, but she intrigues me like no other.
All the while, she has NO idea about my past. She knows me as Jay, and that is it. I told her once I was writing a book (about my life), and she always asked what it was about. I kept telling her, one day I'd tell her. Which I planned to do face to face. Well I was planning on going back to my homestate (where she also lives) for the Holidays, and drunk one night, randomly asked her "Hey, want to know what my books about", she of course wants to know..and I spill the beans. Her reply is "I don't care, you're still the cutest boy I know". Well, that goes well..I guess?
The next day, on the phone, I felt pretty stupid for telling her on the phone, but let it go, and it's not talked about again. I fly back over Xmas for 2 weeks, she picks me up at the airport, and we spent every single day I was there, together. Shared our first kiss Xmas eve, and I asked her to be my girl New Years Eve at a part we were at.
The only thing that's really bothering me, is that she asks me NO questions. She hasn't, at all, since I told her on the phone before I went to visit. I don't mind for the most part, other than I don't know that she truly understands who I am. The bits and pieces part of it. Even though I was drunk when I told her, I remember telling her, basically I lived the first 14 years of my life as a "girl", and that was about it.
I'm extremely self conscious about my chest, even when bound, there's about a 4-5 inch up and down rectangular area I DON'T want to be touched, and she tried a couple times when cuddling to put her hands all over, until I finally grabbed her hand and placed it for her. Then there were a few times she'd jokingly try to "titty twist" me, which we'd share an awkward stare. But I don't know if it's because she FORGOT, or that she thinks I've already had chest surgery. And the fact I wanted to have sex with her SO bad, and brought my trusty prosthetic with, but for reasons not related didn't. (I've been quite the whore the past year, and decided to get to KNOW the girl before sleeping with her would be the best). But I don't know how to bring this up to her, or get her to ask ME questions. Like I said, she's super shy, and we messed around quite a bit (she was pleased to say the least), but I want to be able to get that closeness with her that everyone else desires.
I asked her one night in the car while waiting for someone why she never asked me questions, and her reply was "You told me everything, what do I need to ask". Which is good and all, but I KNOW she has questions. How can she not? I reassured her, if she wanted to ask me anything at all, not to hold back, that I've been asked it all, and I'm cool with it. She just kinda smiled and said ok.
She's coming out here in 2 months to visit, and I want to have these things out of the way before that. How the hell do I go about bringing this up again, and getting her to open up? Sorry it's so long!
That is a hard one.
Maybe she already has info on the subject or at least been exposed to it via media (movies, TV, books, etc.) and is waiting to see how things go before asking about things that relate to you more personally.
Could also be that she trust you and the vibe/feelings she is getting has nothing to do with outter body and is willing to give it a chance regardless.
I guess the last thing could be when you said you spent the first 14 years of your life as a girl she did not fully get the picture and is thinking maybe you wanted to be a girl or dressed as a girl, then puberity kicked in and you grew out of it.
One of the things I do when I am not sure a person fully understands what I am saying is have a few books laying around, the top one being something like an autobiography of somebody who is or has gone through the process. While it is not as direct, a lot of times it gets the person's attention or I can go into a discussion about books I have been reading and different subjects. That way it brings up the subject indirectly and I can get an idea if they really understand FtM (or MtF) plus I can use it as a springboard into more personal conversation about the subject. If the person does not like books but is more of a movie watcher, I do the same thing with 2-3 DVDs. Pretty easy to do and get the subject out in the open without feeling like you are questioning their intellect or ability to comprehend. If the person has no idea and its hard to verbally explain, then the DVDs can work wonders if its a good story or biography.
Not sure if that will help, but its a good ice breaker I have used in the past.
I was, and often still am, like your girlfriend towards my partner. I was pretty well educated on the subject, and at first really didn't have a lot of questions. It took a lot of my partner saying "It's OKAY, please ask questions." for me to voice what I was wondering about, but to be honest I don't wonder a whole lot.
My advice would be to just continue to make it clear that you welcome questions and just want her to know the truth for YOU. If there is something specific you are worried about, there's nothing wrong with saying "By the way.." or asking her the same question you'd like her to ask you (if it would apply) to start a conversation. (for example, what things you are comfortable/uncomfortable with sexually). A lot of things that perhaps you are worried about her knowing or understanding will come out in conversation eventually, and there are always ways to start the conversation if it is really bothering you and you want to make sure she "understands".
i might be naive, but maybe you should just go with it. It is possible that she simply likes you and accepts you as you are. Pushing too hard concerning that issue might just distance you.
Thanks for the advice.
Paranoia has always been one of my worse attributes, and to think I don't even smoke crack. Crazy.
After a few beers, I called her last night and brought it up again. And just as I thought, she still doesn't have any questions lol. I told her again, which I probably need to stop, that she can ask ANYTHING. She said she really doesn't have any, and will let me know if she does. It's just in the past, I've had gf's that would ask a LOT, and ones that wouldn't ask any, it was always the ones that didn't ask any, that tripped me out. To the point I felt I couldn't get really close to. She's also the most shy/sane girl I've ever been with. It's still new, I'll just roll with it for now.
Devlin - she does have a info on the subject. Before I came out to her, she told me about her friend who was "born in the wrong body" and was on T. It was almost like a light shined down the moment she mentioned it to me, because I know longer worried if she'd accept me, once I did come clean.
Red Rachel - thanks for the insight coming from the opposite side. I won't have any problem keeping up the "it's ok, really, you can ask me questions" part of it, it will probably get annoying after a while. I just really want her to feel comfortable. And I know, that can take time.
iFindMeHere - I've always had a hard time just accepting someone truly just does accept me for who I am. But you're right, she probably really doesn't care enough to dig her brain for things to ask. She told me the first night we met she knew something was "special" about me, didn't elaborate too much on it, just that she knew she wanted to get to know me more.
Go for it, don't worry about it, sometimes people just don't care. And often we are all about way too much information. I don't like people for their history, but rather for the present. Perhaps that's where she is.
Quote from: GQjoey on January 11, 2009, 03:13:08 AM
Paranoia has always been one of my worse attributes, and to think I don't even smoke crack. Crazy ... I've always had a hard time just accepting someone truly just does accept me for who I am.
I see a pattern here.. and worry the results will be that you push her away accidentally. Every time you feel paranoid... deep breaths... change the subject. You yourself give the reason why:
Quote from: GQjoey on January 11, 2009, 03:13:08 AM
Devlin - she does have a info on the subject. Before I came out to her, she told me about her friend who was "born in the wrong body" and was on T. It was almost like a light shined down the moment she mentioned it to me, because I know longer worried if she'd accept me, once I did come clean.
So chill *grin*
So, wait a second...
All these posts from young guys who want partners are always flipping out about when/if they tell them how they'll handle the questions, what they'll do when these people flip out. and YOUR lady-in-question is fine.
So why are you pushing? Leave it the hell alone! If she has a question, she'll ask you, her friend or The Almighty Google.
Sounds like you found a great person. To already know the basics (I know we all have some differences) and be accepting is soo cool. I agree with the others, just let things happen.
Man, at least she sounds pretty amazing. Maybe you could always do those fun "break the ice cards." You can make some yourself and give her a set and have her make a set or vice versa. Any questions you want her to ask you can put on a card and mix them up and what not? It's really fun and really allows you to get to know a person.
If not, maybe she's already read about it. You said she was very down to earth and artsy, and a lot of those people are really intellectual as well. You'll just have to wait and see! Good luck!