I was molested when i was 5 years old till i was 7 and it all happened in a foster home by a 14 year old monster who was my foster brother. during those years were so devastating for me and the confusion i felt everyday.
one my mother came to see me and i told her what was wrong and going on. she got me out of there that night her case worker put me back in the home of my real mother and father. i was having nightmares and wetting the bed everynight i was torn.but years went by my mother and father seperated and i live with my mother and 2 brothers for a couple of years and my mother remarried.
but to get what im trying to say i hate the male anotomy,males period i have no trust for them and since i was 1o years old i have always wanted to be a female and surrender who i was born as and now im 32 and have always felt the way i do now. trapped in a gender that i hate and will never want to be again..
so could my, sexual abuse as a child be a main factor in who iam today?
I know i was personal with this and many have no desire to open those memories of their abuses, but me it is a way to vent and make it everyday..
so please dont be offended in any way if i brought up a topic so deep..
sometimes events change the world and us..it did me i believe..
thank you for your replies...
I had a conflicted relationship for years with mine. On the one hand I despised him for putting me into those situations and doing that to me, on the other he had been the only person who didn't mind me behaving like a female. Stupid, I know, but seemingly important to my romantic 8 year old mind.
No, I don't think abuse is instrumental in creating our transgender identities. Even less if we have strong feelings of rejection towards it. Actually, my instances of abuse were what pushed me into my dark times of self-repression, as I felt disgusted with myself, only to emerge from them when I was about 19.
I was fortunate enough not to ever have experienced that type of abuse, so I'm speaking as an observer, but I don't think that your experience will have been the formative event that defined you being trans. It probably will have influenced how strongly dysphoric you are and obviously will have left you with major issues towards males. Not cause though sweetie.
The problem is that your negative experiences back then feature so prominently in your mind that they drown out any good experiences and feelings you might've had as a young child. You need to replace those bad memories with good ones, positive things that build you up rather than breaking you down. You need to try and access your true, genuine self and see what that person was like.
There's a technique some schools of psychology and self-development use called Remembering. It's really simple - all you do to start with is at random pick a feeling, a smell, an image or something, and look for a time in your past that you might have experienced something like that. Do so by vividly visualising what you've chosen while you try to think of an earlier point of experience. When you do recall something, don't just write it down and move on. Instead, really visualise that experience. Try to add as much detail as you can to the picture. Now move back from it, try to be an objective observer of the events that memory contain. Judge it and the actors in it like you might the characters in a book or a movie. Believe me, it puts alot of things in your past and in your present in perspective. It defuses alot of blame you might feel towards yourself as well as others, and with hindsight you can more clearly see the threads of cause and effect that made you who you are. As you dig up and relive more and more old memories, those will in turn be associated with yet other memories, until you start to build up a complete history of yourself and who you were at various points in your life.
Our brains store and retrieve information via association, which is why smelling cinnamon can bring up powerful memories of early christmasses, for example, or feeling down and depressed can bring all your past downs come tumbling out at you as well. So this is a powerful technique for digging up forgotten and repressed things.
When I accepted that I might be trans, I also wondered whether it might've been caused by events from my own past rather than fundamentally be a part of who I am. So I determined to find out. My memories of anything past the last year or so were really poor, but I'd come across this technique, and tried it. I just sat writing and visualising, day in and day out, for almost two months, and by the end of it I'd accessed some of my very earliest experiences and feelings from when I was two, three, four years old. Where at one point I'd thought my feelings of being female were associated with events from when I was in primary school, doing this exercise showed that they'd been around from my earliest memories at two, three years old in how I acted, who I emulated, how I saw myself. I had not recognised them as such because I only really became aware of the differences in the sexes in primary school, and so that was where those feelings had ended up attaching themselves. Being able to look back as an outside observer, I could go and reattach those feelings where they belonged.
We reject and repress so much because we try to forget painful things, or try to fit in, or try to live up to expectations we have of ourselves or others have of us. But you're at your most genuine and truthful when you are that young, before experiences and your own ego start reorganising our psyches. Hopefully you can detach the feelings you have around the trauma of your own childhood and place them where they belong.
Mina.
Quote from: samantha1976ts on January 16, 2009, 06:51:42 PM
so could my, sexual abuse as a child be a main factor in who iam today?
...
my feeling is that it can be the other way around, because you are different or a little feminine people will abuse you. after all most people either think of us as disgusting perverts or as people doing this because we want to be abused. Sad but true.
and yes i don't trust men, it is very difficult for me to trust a man today. When i was younger i did drop out of school twice. i can write about this for hours but i don't feel comfortable writing about this in a public forum.
i understand that some cant vent in ways like i do, but we all have ways to express the feelings we hold inside that have become a part of us today.
me i just give a suface feeling but could never express the deep emotions to forums, but i can let others know that you are never alone. and i feel no shame for the horrible act that became of me it was never my fault. so i can express these feeling openley.. i hope youhave dealt with them in a waty that has helped you . i pray that whoever is sexualy abused by someone ..bring that person to justice and seek mental help of some sort.. because in some way we find it to be a roadblock in our lives at one time or another and stop us from living in peace.
I know one thing:
Sexual abuse of a girl from males can cause her to develop fears towards men and towards sex. Even if her sexuality its leaning to guys she might decide to stay asexual or become lesbian and/or bi.
That horrible situation of the abuse leaves deep wounds in a fragile and young mind. It creates traumas but I dont believe it creates any trans feelings but remember a child mostly blames her/himself for what happened and if that child its also TS I think things get much much worse.