You hear about it in politics. You hear about it in religion. And you hear about it in the LGBT community.
"What about families?"
"What about the children?"
I doubt there's anyone here who hasn't been asked, at least once in their life, either of these questions when in reference to their transgender self. And I'll bet most have felt pretty guilty, thinking you're being selfish.
So what about the kids?
Are you destroying their lives by wanting to be yourself? Or is there something else going on here?
A daughter approaches her parents and says "I just realized I'm happy being a Pagan." If the parents are Pagan they will be happy too. If the parents have a different faith, they may not be too happy. In both cases, the daughter is the same person, it's the parent's beliefs that affect the status of this relationship.
A father of two realizes he's TG and needs to present as such. "But what about the children?" his wife asks. Well, if they are presented this in a healthy way the children will do fine. If the wife thinks this will be traumatic for the kids, she will convey that to the children and they will be traumatized.
"I'm worried how the kids will be treated in school."
I know of parents who marched into the principal's office yelling and screaming about how the schools are failing because their kids aren't being treated well.
I know of parents who tell their kids, "If you act and dress like everyone else you'll be fine."
And I've known parents who teach their kids "there are people in this world that may not agree with you. That doesn't make you or them wrong. It just is."
The first type of parent usually raises a spoiled brat. The second, a frightened child unable to feel good about themselves unless the group says they are okay. The last type of parent raises a well adjusted and happy child that knows from the inside they are okay.
So, what about the children? Do we say there are TG people in this world and that a family member is one of them who we will support unconditionally? Or do we try to sweep everything under the rug, teaching them it's better to be embarrassed or ashamed about who they are than stand up for yourself and your family?
We teach our kids good & bad, right & wrong, prejudice & acceptance. They respond to the realities in the world through our eyes. Children don't have a problem with transgender people unless they are taught to. ::)
What's your take?
I'll take door #3. My ex told me after the fact that I should have told her first, " so she could prepare my kids". I decided that as she was a right winged christian (not that there is anything wrong with that), she might not look kindly on my coming out. I decided to tell my kids first in person, I had prepared them as best I could. Needless to say my kids took the news quite well and I very proud of how well they handled the situation. We are stronger and closer then ever, which is very cool.
My ex was pretty much the only person who did not take it well, but then what else was new.
Beni
I am going to follow this conversation very closely. I have three boys and they do not know anything yet. I dont really have any idea about how to tell them. I am their only parent who is involved right now and am so scared of alienating them. I have been putting it off for a long time but do not think that I can hide much longer
When i have kids, they will have a mum that loves them, and teaches them to grow into respectful, wellbehaved, law abiding people. A father that loves them, and a safe home to grow in...
Whats wrong with that? Because i had a penis when i was younger clearly wont effect thier lives.
Still in any case ''pro-family'' conservatives could find a lot of arguments against transsexual parents. Some totally out of any sense.
They can try... If. by any miracle, i am fertile, and have my own kids, im biologically thier mother, unless they want to sterilise me, they cannot say a bloody thing... MY kids... MY life, THIER life... Not some biggoted conservative... all i can say... is come try me... they will lose...
a bit off topic.. but I am just curious - those guys/gals who do have kids, espically younger kids, Do they still call you Dad/Mum or did they switch? Call you by your first name?
If they do still call you Dad/MUm (depeneding on whether you are a MTF/FTM) is that awkward in public?
I dont mean to upset anyone just curious what happens with different ppl in that suituation...
Quote from: SomeMTF on January 24, 2009, 05:45:16 AM
Still in any case ''pro-family'' conservatives could find a lot of arguments against transsexual parents. Some totally out of any sense.
If they were pro family they would encourage honesty and communication between parents and their children as well as a lot of other things that would benefit the relationship between parent and child and help the child grow up to true to themselves and not another robot. But the truth is they are anti-LGBT and have spun their BS so well even some LBGT people buy into it.
Your kids will find out eventually, unless you plan to live out the remainder of your life repressing your true self. When they do find out and realize you have been keeping this from them they assume certain things. Like you lied because you were doing something bad or evil. Like people are justified in their anti-LGBT prejudice. Like you are an embarrassment to them and a social outcast. And that it's okay to walk out of your life until you "get the message".
The "pro-family" groups WANT us to be afraid, WANT us to be embarassed, WANT us to be ashamed. That's how they prevent us from disrupting their world. And they teach our kids we are perverts, deviants and evil.
These same types of people have worked to keep women barefoot and pregnant, blacks at the back of the bus and violated basic human rights all in the name of keeping the family unit sacred. Yet divorce rates are 50% and children grow up afraid to express themselves. Look at the number of kids in therapy, the parents out to dinner who barely say a word to each other, the kids who prefer their friends to going back to a repressive home.
Beating people down doesn't work, no matter how many people are doing it. It's never worked. Look at the world today. Is there any evidence that these righteous people who have been pressuring us to live life their way are having a positive effect on creating a better world?
We need to teach our kids they are good and decent people capable of doing almost anything they set their hearts on. We need to teach them that people who pressure them into doing things their way just want to control us so they don't have to make any changes in their lives. We need to raise them to be self confident, well adjusted people who know what's right and don't need the approval of the masses to stand by their decisions.
We need to start thinking for ourselves. Otherwise these meddlesome maniacs will keep us imprisoned.
Julie
I do not like this kind of ''pro-family''- people. However in case I would sometimes be so lucky to have children I would not make them upset telling that mother was born as boy.
However I have chosen to have not own biological children and for a transwoman it is very hard to have a family in some other way. :(
In private my kids call me dad. In public they generally call me by my first name. It's been an interesting adjustment for them and I. Yet they see that I am still their dad too, or at least parent. I think it's easier for very young children and mid to late teens to adjust. The eairy teens (my youngest) had the most trouble with it, I think.
Beni
It's too late for me and mine. :'( Everything has been destroyed by those hateful attitudes infecting generation after generation. From my parents down to my kids. It's no coincidence that I became Pagan and came out as trans at the same time. Pagan religion liberated me to be who I am.
The religious right wingers aren't "pro-family" as they claim. Because they are bent on destroying the family relationships of LGBT people. What they are is pro-patriarchy. Their real agenda is total male supremacy. The only way that power can be held absolute is if gender and sexuality are locked down. To embrace LGBT identity is to strike a blow against the patriarchy.
Oh in my dreams I would like to marry as woman and adopt some children.
But I think that the Christian fanatics are trying to do everything to make such world impossible (here currently married post-op can adopt) or too insecure for those children. I am not putting to harmless children to suffer in case world thinks still after years that transwomen are still dangerous sinners.
Quote from: alexkidd on January 24, 2009, 08:29:42 AM
a bit off topic.. but I am just curious - those guys/gals who do have kids, espically younger kids, Do they still call you Dad/Mum or did they switch? Call you by your first name?
If they do still call you Dad/MUm (depeneding on whether you are a MTF/FTM) is that awkward in public?
I dont mean to upset anyone just curious what happens with different ppl in that suituation...
I'm not upset at all, Alex. I just don't want to hijack the thread too much either. ;)
My kids were adults when I came out so it there really wasn't that much to worry about. I don't care who they tell and whoever they tell will get over it or not.
I will always be their father. Nothing can change that. I would never presume to try to take over the position that their mother has. I did not give birth to them and I can't and wouldn't ever change that.
We went for a while with them calling me Dad, and they still do. Though in public I prefer that they call me Sandy. And the times that they forget and call me Dad in a store or something is more of a novelty and giggle than anything else.
I am, however, most assuredly grandma to my granddaughters! My nearly 4 year old granddaughter has been calling me grandma Sandy since she could talk. Though there was an interesting episode where she saw pictures of me pre-transition (with goatee) holding her as an infant. It was a really fulfilling time:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,28099.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,28099.0.html)
Also when we had the baptism for my granddaughter, it was also an interesting time. Everyone in my family was there, including both my ex's. One of the people added up all the "grandma's" and also noticed no "grandpa's". She asked, quite innocently what was going on. I told her that when my daughter was born I was her father. She blinked three times digesting the new information and just said: "Oh, I didn't mean to pry..." I assured her that I wasn't offended in anyway and that I loved being in a church that was so loving and caring.
-Sandy
Question for any parents out there who have had kids, adopted or otherwise since transition.... Do you tell your kids? How many parents are more than mom and dad? or dad and dad? or mom and mom? Does any parent really discuss thier gender with thier kids? would you or have you brought it up?