After eons of going by my nickname, I am again reduced to this. I started online classes a few months back and I just got my grades for the last 9 weeks - all As. I was ecstatic. I was having fun. There are a few reasons why I decided to go to school online - one, my health and body is still in a shambles and the second, is the reason I never went to real college in the first place - I'm seriously allergic to classrooms.
So when I finally sobered up a few months back, I thought I'd go to school online (since there was no way in hell I'd ever set foot in a classroom again).
And now I am reminded of just one of the reasons why I hate classrooms (and legit jobs) so much. I actually have to sign some strangers name to my work. I can't just be Joe. No, I gotta be N {ultra femme name here}.
I never really felt pressed about a name change because I only ever had to see or deal with the name on very rare occasions as such doctor's offices or jails.
So, everything was fine and so far the instructors were cool about my being just 'Joe'. Well, today I wake up and sign on to the classroom to find one instructor has decided not to post my grades anymore until I fix my screen name (the online environment is just like this forum. you have forums and chat which make up the 'classroom'). This means that I had to change my usename for the whole school. because it's the same name showing up for each class, each chat, etc. Now I have to see the wretched name and do all my assignments under 'N******'. And now all the other students who just assumed I was a guy (no avatars in class) now see I am not 'Joe' but 'N*****'.
I was just having a nice chat with a few guys in class about my 'girl troubles' with girls I've dated and now of course they see that I am a 'lesbian'.
And all the women in class do too.
yes, I'm going to now rush through a name change even though I really did want to wait till I had the green light for transition medically and everything.
And even provided the name change goes smoothly and the school accpets it and all that, there's no hope for it now. Means that these classes I just started last week and for the next 9 weeks I'm stuck cringing everytime I sign on to class and staring at those big capital letters announcing 'Miss N******' everywhere, and doing all my assignments as N*****, and chatting (both required chatting participation and non) as N*****.
And now everyone in class sees that I was someone who was presenting themselves as a male.
I'm really uncomfortable. I feel stupid. I don't want to have to explain my situation to everybody. I don't even want to talk in class now, but it's required. I'm N {ultra femme name), the lesbian who misrepresented herself as a guy.
I'm 30. I'm too old for this ->-bleeped-<-. I don't know why I never dealt with this name thing legally. It just never really came up much (except for a few family members who never got comfortable calling me Joe).
PS Not really looking for any advice or help. just wanted to talk about it.
PS Now it's been posted a new rule in class "all students must use their full first and last name in class" because of me (I'm not specifically mentioned, but it does says 'Some students are using nicknames or even names that aren't theirs at all!' which I know eberyone's going to put two and two together.
I know you didn't ask for advise, but here goes anyway. When I started class, it was under my male name. I was told that nothing could be changed until the February term. When classes began I posted a "introduction". In it I explained who I was ( outing myself ) and explained that my name was Janet, not J***. All the students were cool about it and my professors call me Janet.
Remember it is just a name, and after the legal change all records can be changed. We still love our Nero. Hang in there Big Guy.
okay. now looking for help and advice on how to get through this and help understanding why this is such a big deal to me.
It's probably a big deal because everyone is basically accusing you of being a liar or pretending to be someone you're not, when that couldn't have been further from the truth. That kind of thing upsets me, too. And now, you feel like you don't have much of a way to fix it, so you're stuck with pretending to be someone you're not while everyone else thinks they've finally discovered the 'truth.' It sucks.
I don't have much in the way of advice though, I'm sorry.. do you have to stay in this class or can you switch to a different one?
I can only quote my sweetie, T, from "the" conversation we had yesterday.
She told me, "This, too, will pass".
I hope you feel better. *hugs Nero*
Quote from: Nero on January 22, 2009, 12:20:00 PM
okay. now looking for help and advice on how to get through this and help understanding why this is such a big deal to me.
Of course it's a big deal, you're not being treated by them as who you are and that is demoralizing!
I have no advice, just sending hugs and support!
Z
Quote from: Zythyra on January 22, 2009, 12:44:01 PM
Quote from: Nero on January 22, 2009, 12:20:00 PM
okay. now looking for help and advice on how to get through this and help understanding why this is such a big deal to me.
Of course it's a big deal, you're not being treated by them as who you are and that is demoralizing!
I have no advice, just sending hugs and support!
Z
Once again, someone else here said what I wanted to say before I could say it. I agree with Z, Nero. I'm here for you.
Man, that sucks arse in a bad way.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. My advise is to send a note round to the class that Joe is your prefered name despite school policy and that you would appreciate if everyone could continue to refer to you as Joe. You don't need to go into details. You could just sign your conversations as 'Joe'. Continue on as you have. If anyone asks just say that has been your name for so long that the other one feels unnatural and nobody calls you that anymore. This does not help the fact that they probably see you as a girl now, but without revealing yourself as trans there is not a lot you can do about it.
It may not be as bad as you think it is.
I think the other guys will be pretty cool with talking with you about other chicks. They would probably get a kick out of it thinking you a girl.
Nick
How come you don't just say "I'm transgendered. Deal with it!"
You know I'm not telling you that you have to do anything you are not comfortable with. I'm just kicking around ideas. This seems like a good opportunity to discuss this topic on several levels.
For instance, you can just tell them the truth and tell them that it is a custom, as well as a part of the treatment, for transgendered people to use the identity of the gender to which we identify.
This next thought may be a little too personal, but you've been living a fairly insulate life. Part of your future is going to entail informing people as you move along with your transition. This school thing is frustrating, but it may be an indication that you may need to better prepare a method for dealing with this type of thing in the future.
No harm intended. I'm always scared I might hurt someone.
Quote from: Rebis on January 22, 2009, 01:58:59 PM
This next thought may be a little too personal, but you've been living a fairly insulate life.
Well, what should I have done the last few years? the first year I could barely walk and even go an hour with choking blood - you remember that. I didn't want anyone around. I quit my apartment, quit my house, quit the drugs, quit my friends, got sick,.... I mean what was I supposed to do, go back to partying every night?
I meant no harm. I understand why you had to withdraw from society and all. I did the same thing. My point is that some of your social skills will get rusty. I mean this in reference to things in general.
I don't know about you, but I had to relearn to interact with people as a confident person. I'm just saying that you may be taken by surprise now and then.
Quote from: Rebis on January 22, 2009, 02:11:57 PM
I meant no harm. I understand why you had to withdraw from society and all. I did the same thing. My point is that some of your social skills will get rusty. I mean this in reference to things in general.
I don't know about you, but I had to relearn to interact with people as a confident person. I'm just saying that you may be taken by surprise now and then.
No, you've got a point. I've spent my life wasted out of my mind because that's the only way I know how to function walking around as a woman. I mean I'm not exactly a well adjusted TS. And now I'm clean, I can't bear being looked at as a woman. I shut down. I quit expressing myself when people see a drug free me as a woman. Drugged up me is really cool with it, drugged up me has fun with it. Clean and sober me can't take it.
Just remember that you will learn to handle it. These types of things are skills that you learn. My background is nearly that of an undisciplined savage, but I'm now kind of a member of the house of Greystoke.
I said 'greystoke' not 'grayskull' so I better not hear any jokes.
Quote from: Rebis on January 22, 2009, 02:20:14 PM
Just remember that you will learn to handle it. These types of things are skills that you learn. My background is nearly that of an undisciplined savage, but I'm now kind of a member of the house of Greystoke.
I said 'greystoke' not 'grayskull' so I better not hear any jokes.
I'll be fine once I transition. The dysphoria has become paralyzing.
You'll get there. And when you do, you'll be Lord Greystoke. Totally cool and in charge.
Thanks but I don't know. I'm really stressed out. This is about the time I need a drink but I won't. I really don't want to say goodbye to my grandma tomorrow. I really don't.
Contact the school, explain your situation, that you feel discriminated against, and ask that they make an acomodation for yourself and others in your situation.
Look, Joe, here's the deal: :)
You've been living inside a house and on a computer for awhile, sweetheart. And in doing so you've sorely neglected a few things about your life: who you are and where you're goin'. Not good.
The good thing is, I see from what you've written, that you KNOW that. So, my dear friend and colleague: get a couple of small things done that require not much effort and not a lot of money. Forget the end-of-it-all and do what you can.
Maybe telling them you're a transman might not be a bad idea. Afterall, the school cannot give anyone your addy or in any other way violate your privacy on any info they have about you except your name.
How much does a name change cost. Not an SRS, just a name change. Check into it and save and afford it. Then go get it done and thumb your nose at the school. Then, Joe, everyone will have to call you Joe. :) And you can glory in that when it begins.
As John Prine's "Dear Abby" said: "Stop wishin' for bad luck and knockin' on wood." :laugh:
QuoteDear Abby, Dear Abby ...
My feet are too long
My hair's falling out and my rights are all wrong
My friends they all tell me that I've no friends at all
Won't you write me a letter, Won't you give me a call
Signed Bewildered
Bewildered, Bewildered...
Chorus:
You have no complaint
You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't
So listen up Buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood
Dear Abby, Dear Abby...
My fountain pen leaks
My wife hollers at me and my kids are all freaks
Every side I get up on is the wrong side of bed
If it weren't so expensive I'd wish I were dead
Signed Unhappy
Unhappy, Unhappy...
Repeat Chorus
Dear Abby, Dear Abby...
You won't believe this
But my stomach makes noises whenever I kiss
My girlfriend tells me It's all in my head
But my stomach tells me to write you instead
Signed Noise-maker
Noise-maker, Noise-maker
Repeat Chorus
Dear Abby, Dear Abby...
Well I never thought
That me and my girlfriend would ever get caught
We were sitting in the back seat just shooting the breeze
With her hair up in curlers and her pants to her knees
Signed Just Married
Just Married, Just Married...
Repeat Chorus
Love ya, babe,
Nichole
Nero, check this section of our Wiki to find out how to change your name in your state. https://www.susans.org/wiki/Changing_legal_name_in_the_US (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Changing_legal_name_in_the_US)
I would also make some inquiries with the registrar's office of your college to see if they can accommodate you in their system before legal name change. A lot of colleges will do that for people.
And, lastly, hang in there and keep it up - stay sober!
hugs & affectionate smiles,
Emelye
Hey Nero, I don't have any great advice or anything, but I understand EXACTLY what you are going through! Just remember that the most important thing is finishing every semester so you can better yourself. I know how embaressed (sp?) you feel when you are outed to a group of people assuming you are just a guy and then find out different. Happens every weekend at work for me. I pass for a guy and then my boss says "her". I can't say anything cause she is a friend of our family and it would go straight to them ALL. But I LOVE part of the job and I'm learning too much to quit. I deal with it by just knowing that those incidences are numbered and sooner or later that won't happen anymore. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other no MATTER WHAT...
Hang in there Joe. Some days life sucks. Just happens (to us all too), but there are good days too. sounds like your doing better and trying hard, best you can do. Agree with the others to contact the school administration about the name issue.
Signed Ms. Beni
This jazzshiznit worries me...
Cause I'm applying as my birthname to art school... I wonder what the HELL I'm supposed to do if I'm fulltime. Maybe I'll change my name before then.
Can't believe they made you change it... Geeze.
That sucks man. I can't add anything to the good advice already given, and I suspect that's not what's wanted anyway. Reebs has a good, loving point. You are who you are. You're going to have to get used to the fact that it will take a while till the world sees the real you. We all do, and I hope you're proud of who you are, cause you should be.
I really know how awful that feels though and I wish you didn't have to go through it. Nothing more demoralizing than being called "Miss xxxxxx" when you're a guy.
/hugs
Dennis
Well, I don't have anything to add to whats already been said except to say that your teacher is an idiot. Maybe a hug will do <<hug>>
why would Joe want to hug his teacher????? ???
Quote from: Rebis on January 23, 2009, 09:57:13 AM
why would Joe want to hug his teacher????? ???
The hug was from me, you rabble rouser.
Quote from: Nero on January 22, 2009, 12:20:00 PM
now looking for help and advice on how to get through this
Remember that it's
you that put in the effort and did the work, no matter what name is used, and that a name doesn't define who you are.
If you can't change it, try to think of the name they're using as nothing more than a screen name, like on the forum... a word that people use instead of saying "Hey, you!"
Quote from: Beni on January 22, 2009, 10:38:23 PM
Agree with the others to contact the school administration about the name issue.
If I were school admin, I'd understand - so will they...
Gawd, the BIG challenge!
When I was transitioning at Beale Air Force Base, I was told by my section supervisor that others had every right to refer to me as [HATED_BOY_NAME] and by male pronouns, because i have a male body and, y'know, that's ALL that counts.
I hated it, being told I had NO rights.
But, I found I did have allies. My immediate supervisor was one, and one of the first. He'd suggest, over and over again, that it couldn't, y'know, hurt to refer to me in the manner that I wished. He endured the arguments that it was wrong and against God and all that other [bovine effluvia].
And a few of the people who were agitated by my transition thawed a little and tried -- and found that it wasn't that bad.
And then a few more. And the ones who thawed earliest started to see that it was good for me to change, and it really didn't hurt them. And they gradually became allies.
But it sucked at first. Really, really sucked.
Nero. You know who you are. You will benefit from this education. Please, in the name of all that is good, don't let this matter stop you from getting it.
Get busy!
=K
This situation IS terrible. I know where you're coming from, although I probably can't fully appreciate the extent of your mortification. But you're getting good advice here--talk to admin, explain your situation, and start the ball rolling for a legal name change if you don't get satisfaction. No, do the name change regardless. That will make your life easier in some respects. Not to mention that when you finally get to take a class under your new legal name, you can indulge in the very satisfying act of thumbing your nose at the @$$hats out there who are messing around with you.
Hi! Good advice on here for you. I agree that perhaps you should contact the school administration and explain your situation. I'd hope they would be understanding enough to allow you to use your chosen name. Getting a legal name change is a good idea, too. At least these things are a start. As indicated by Karen, I hope you will not let this deter you from getting your education. Until you transition fully, there will likely be other obstacles, and you can't let these things defeat you, difficult as they may be. So, please hang in there! We all care for you very much and would like to see you succeed both in your education and your transition.