I'm sure many, if not every trans person, has talked until they are blue in the face trying to explain what our lives are like. The most frustrating thing to me is the "Yeah, but..." effectively making your life experiences invalid.
"I tried all my life to conform to societal standards but just couldn't do it anymore. I was dying inside."
"Yeah, but did you ever think of what this would do to your family?"
Sarcastic reply: "No, never, I just lived that facade until I wanted to die just for fun!"
"I wish my kids would just give me some time so I could explain to them how I feel inside."
"Yeah, but did you ever think of how they feel losing a parent?"
(If frustration level reaches bursting point, insert sarcastic reply)
What have been your experiences? Does anyone seem to understand?
Julie
I've only had one person who doesn't seem to get it, I think I've been really really lucky.
They were going on about how I was only transitioning because I "failed" at being a girl and it was the easy way out
Easy?! I nearly exploded, how could I reply to that
and of course I failed at being a girl, that's because I'm a boy, silly ::)
I know what you mean. It's the "Yeah" part that frustrates me.
What that actually means is:
"Everything you've just said has been totally disregarded and you might as well not have bothered to open your mouth because I didn't listen to a word that came out of it. I already have my own predjudices and cast iron opinions that aren't going to be altered by anything you say and I'm not prepared to even consider any response you give."
Which is quite a lot to condense into a single word.
Given that some will be lucky and others not so lucky I suppose I fall into the same category as you, Julie. I don't get that much anymore. But early on yes, there were tons of yes buts and they were almost invariably around the two items you mentioned.
Sometimes the best way to explain is simply to wait on folks to come to you. That way when the first yes, but arises, just say "O, so sorry, i thought you wanted to know about how I felt. I suppose if you really wanna know how she, him or they felt you should ask them."
Kinda harsh in a way, but effective and does manage to silence the yes buts I found. As for people wrapping their minds around transition. Give them info when they ask, but don't try to get them to understand. Some will and others will remain shaking their heads.
Strangely the most difficult thing I found was overcoming the idea that "O, so you were gay and just wanted to be that way and the hormones allowed you to be attrcated to guys?" Seems the Blanchard idea of homosexual transitioners is rather a popular one among the populace.
Nichole
I have not delt with this much. I wonder how they would react if you turned it around on them this would only work with people that you know at least a little but if you start eximinining thier lives and made them account for everything about who they are. i.e. you don't get along with your inlaws very well they just don't like you why didn't you consider thier feeling before you married thier child (or if they want to look at us as we decieded to be TS you could ask why they didn't consider other feelings before they decieded to fall in love). there are many other examples that could be used but I think you will get my point.
Yes, but...!
I get that all the time about my kids. "That's great, you found yourself, you're transitioning. But what about your kids?"
Interestingly my kids were the first ones I told, and have been huge supporters. They don't care as long as I'm in their lives. I'm still me. My daughter has even started saying "My Mom, he..." to her friends and found that they don't care either.
I learned earlier in life that nobody really gives a sh*t about what you're going through. Have you seen Pursuit of Happyness? My life was like that...not as bad in the financial sense of losing everything and being homeless, but I've hit my personal rock bottom several times and like Chris Gardner, found that nobody cared. Hard lesson to learn. But I think it made the whole transition process easier because I personally didn't care what others thought once I decided to transition.
Jay
Well children loose a parent only if they wish to loose a parent. I still talk and email my kids as much as possible. They don't have a problem and have been planing for years to come visit me. When I visit them, we still have a great time.
So my kids still have a dad, a very charming dad for sure, but I'll always be there for them.
Beni
I have had that thrown in my face by my son. I just said, Yes, I'm that selfish that I denied you a roof over your head while you were growing up and by the way, you never have gone without a meal. Oh and all those things that I bought for you and how about the car? I guess I was really selfish. I told him that I was thinking of me for a change and I was going to be who I was and I let that go for a long time and you can go f#$k yourself. He was in his late 20's when I came out. I haven't spoken with him or his wife since then. My wife said the same to him, that would be his mother.