I recently turned 60. I have been happily married for more than 35 years and have 2 grown children. I am a transsexual, but I have accepted ( or I am trying to accept) that I will never be able to transition. Although I have regularly followed most of the transgender forums on the net, I have seldom posted to them. My reasons for this were a combination of shyness, a need to guard my privacy, feeling that my experience was not relevant, and my own uncertainty of how I fit into the transgender spectrum.
Recently, I read a posting on this board from a new member who was just coming to terms with her transsexualism and looking for insight on what the alternatives were. I realized that there has been a lot of material written in support of transsexuals who proceed with transition and surgery, but little available for those of us who can't or don't transition for various reasons. For this reason, I have decided to try to present some of my thoughts about this in the hope that someone else may benefit from my experiences. If nothing else, they may see that there are some who are getting by without transitioning (so far).
Some Background
In order to understand how I reached my present state, I need to give some background information. I was born in 1949 and can honestly say that I have spent over half a century of my life struggling to understand my gender identity. I can remember wishing I was a girl from as early as age 4 or 5, but it wasn't completely a clear cut issue.
In spite of these early feelings, I was never effeminate, and I don't think anyone suspected the turmoil in my mind. There were episodes as I was growing up when I strayed into more overt expressions of my feminine side. When I was very young, I can vaguely recall one occasion of dressing up in my mother's clothes and putting lipstick on. I was probably about 4 years old, and I think my mother permitted it to keep me entertained and out of her way. I distinctly remember one of my older brother's friends telling me that it was wrong and that I was being a sissy. This shocked me and taught me to hide any tendencies in the future, or else I would be rejected by society. I can also remember envying the nearly hairless arms and legs that my girl friends had. I had hairy legs and arms from birth and was very self-conscious about it. At least once during my elementary years, I shaved my legs, not realizing that other people would see it and ask questions. I think my mother gave me a stern lecture about how wrong it was for me to do this. This was another lesson about fitting into society.
I remember reading about Christine Jorgenson, understanding immediately what she felt, and realizing that I would like to change my sex also. At that time (mid-50's) it was such and exotic and unattainable step that I never considered it possible ... just something to dream about, and that I did.
These experiences may seem like a contradiction with my earlier statement about not being perceived as effeminate, but it was still true. Outwardly, I was an active, athletic boy who did well in school and tried to seem as boyish as I could.
Throughout my junior high and high school years, I still struggled with gender conflicts. I would occasionally sneak away and find ways to dress up or use makeup, but I was always compulsive about hiding it. My family was disintegrating and dysfunctional. I felt a big void in my life and was generally unhappy. I envied the other kids who seemed to have close happy families.
After college, I worked at a variety of low paying jobs for about a year. During this time, I read Harry Benjamin's book, "The Transsexual Phenomenon". I became aware that SRS had developed into a more viable procedure. I agonized on what to do while trying to create one last chance for a male life for myself.
Just as I was approaching a crisis point, I met my future wife and fell madly in love with her. This was like a life preserver thrown to me as the ship was sailing away. It gave me hope that I could put a life together as a male and have a happy family life.
Prior to our marriage, I told her that I sometimes felt like I wished I were a girl. This almost killed the wedding plans, but I think it was too close to the wedding to postpone or cancel it. Of course, I insisted that it was not a real problem and would go away over time. I felt it all was due to my unhappy childhood, and our love would overcome these fellings. Of course, we all know how these promises turn out. As time went on, my gender issues would reappear periodically. It actually was on my mind almost daily, but I would control it until I periodically had to act on it. My wife reluctantly accepted that I may have occasional needs to crossdress in private. Initially, she even participated in helping me set my hair, shave my legs, and use makeup. After a short time, she began to refuse to take part. She said that it made her see me differently and she was uncomfortable with that. As a result, my periodic crossdressing was then done in private. This continued for about 20 years. The crossdressing gave me some temporary relief, but I always felt bad that I had to hide it and that it was only temporary. I really wanted to interact with others as a woman rather than sit by myself. Still, I told myself that I was just a ->-bleeped-<-, not transsexual. The thought of being a transsexual was frightening.
About 10 years ago, I reached a point where I could no longer sleep at night due to obsessive thoughts about being a woman. I sometimes went 2 or 3 nights in a row without sleeping at all. I think some of this was triggered by my realization that time was running out if I was ever going to do anything and by the knowledge that my children were all grown and relatively independent. With my wife's nervous approval, I met with a gender therapist, and she was quick to confirm that I was transsexual. I think I always knew this, but was afraid to admit it. Then began the agonizing about what to do about it.
The Questions
In trying to understand my condition, I developed many questions that I asked myself as a thought exercise.
1. If I had to choose between the option of living and being accepted as a woman but retaining my male body, or the option of changing my body to female but retaining a male role, what would I choose? After pondering this, I concluded that I needed to both change my body and my role in order to be happy. My objective is to have a body that matches my gender identity ... that of a woman. It wasn't just a matter of dressing, and it wasn't just a matter of body modification. Although either of these alternatives might be an improvement over where I am, neither meets my needs.
2. If I knew that changing my sex would result in complete loss of sex drive and ability to enjoy sex, would I still do it? Yes, I would. Earlier in my life, this was a more difficult question. Sexual enjoyment was an important part of my life. I feared that my gender disorder was purely a sexually driven obsession. As I grew older, I began to see that sexual response was less important to me and it was not the cause of my confusion.
3. Would I change my sex knowing that I might be a very unattractive woman? Yes. I've never felt very attractive as a man, so I have little to lose. Although I would like to be a young Victoria Secret model, this isn't going to happen. I've never had much confidence in my appearance. I like to think that I would be a much more confident person as a woman, even if I were not attractive in the way society expects..
4. Could I have a physical relationship with a man? This was a hard one. I have never felt that I had any homosexual inclination. The idea of having sex with a man never appealed to me. I have always been attracted to women, although it is a mixture of envy, attraction, and vicarious enjoyment. But, as time went on, I realized that I probably could enjoy a physical relationship with a man, but only if I were in the role and body of a woman. I guess that makes me a heterosexual male/bisexual woman. I have enjoyed giving someone else pleasure during sex. The idea that I could be a source of pleasure for someone is very satisfying to me.
5. If I had known what I know now, would I have transitioned when I was younger? This is also a tough one. It can be interpreted several ways.
a. If I were reincarnated in a new life, I would like to be reincarnated as a woman, although, it would be my luck to end up as a woman in some impoverished, oppressive society where women are treated as beasts of burden.
b. I would not choose to back up in time and take back all the good things that have happened in my life, such as my marriage and the birth of my children in order to relive it as a woman.. (See the discussion of paradoxes below.)
c. If I were a child, just growing up now and knowing what I do, I would make every effort from a young age to make my GID known to my parents and put all of my energy into getting their support for my transition. Attitudes are very different about transgendered children now than they were during the 50's. It seems much easier for parents to recognize this condition and use techniques delay puberty in anticipation of HRT and SRS until older. Acceptance of transsexuals is also greater than when I was growing up. Everything about being a transsexual is improved dramatically from when I was a child.
6. If I could take a pill that would make my gender disphoria disappear completely so that I could live happily in my current form, would I take it? There were many times during my life when I would have done this to make it go away. However, I have come to realize that I am the person that I am, good and bad, because of my gender disphoria. If that were taken away, I would be a different person, in some ways better, but, in other ways not as good. I probably would not take the pill. I don't really want to give up my feminine way of seeing the world.
7. What sacrifices would I be willing to make for the health and happiness of my wife and children? See additional discussion about this below.
8. How would I respond to social rejection from friends and associates? I think I reached a point where this didn't bother me as much. Maybe it's self delusion, or maybe it's that I gained more self-confidence as I got older. It also helped that I reached a point where I could manage financially if I lost my employment. It is ironic that transition often becomes more feasible from a financial and social standpoint later in life rather than earlier when it would be most advantageous.
Transition Or Die?
I read this phrase often on the various boards about gender identity. I don't want to start a new war about this, but it does warrant some discussion. Many say that if you are a true transsexual, you must eventually transition or die. I've never felt like my transitioning was a "do or die" situation. It is a "do or don't do" question. In spite of my resolution to not transition, I know in my heart that I am transsexual and should be a woman. I can't choose whether to be transsexual or not, but I can choose what I do about it. The choice may not be pleasant or easy, but it is still my choice. Many people only regard true transsexuals as those who actually complete SRS. I don't think this is valid. Prior to the late 60's, SRS was not a viable option. Does this mean that there were fewer transsexuals prior to this? What about all of those throughout history who felt gender disphoria? Since SRS was not available, did they all commit suicide? I don't think so. I think there are many whose GID is just as strong as any post-op, but have chosen not to transition due to various factors. Also, due to my unhappy childhood, I have developed an ability to endure emotional pain very stoically for long periods. Maybe it's just that I'm used to a certain level of depression. For this reason, I've always managed to avoid considering suicide as an answer.
Reaching Acceptance
When I was very young, I feared that I was transsexual but tried very hard to deny it. I pretended that it would go away or that I was just a ->-bleeped-<-, as though that were some milder, more acceptable disease. I think that having a very strong sex drive made it difficult to isolate and identify my motivation. Since I tended to be aroused by anything remotely sexual, thinking about crossdressing or being transsexual was arousing to me. I feared that my attraction to transsexualism was caused mainly by my overactive sex drive. If I proceeded with SRS and reduced or lost my sex drive, would I still feel the need to be a woman? Was my gender disphoria a learned response to my arousal when I crossdressed? I felt that my sexual identify should be separate from my gender identity. It was all very hard to separate out, and that contributed to my uncertainty about what to do.. It was only later in my life, when my sex drive began to decline, that I realized that my gender disphoria existed consistently and separately from my sex drive. When I crossdressed, I no longer felt aroused ... just comfortable and natural. I came to realize that not being aroused was pleasurable in itself. The idea that I could be sexually unresponsive or inactive after SRS no longer bothered me at all. It could even be an advantage. These days, the thought of being a woman or the act of crossdressing does not arouse me. It relaxes me and makes me feel comfortable.
I don't think that my birth family was a strong factor in not transitioning. My childhood was not very happy, and my parents and brothers became less significant in my life as I grew older. If they didn't approve, I wouldn't have had a hard time living without their being a part of my life..
I also don't think that fear of pain during surgery was a strong consideration for me. If I could seriously consider self-castration (which I have done often), surgery in a hospital was not something that would keep me from acting.
After working with a therapist to confirm my diagnosis, I was left with deciding what to do about it. This occurred over a period of 2-3 years during which my marriage almost dissolved. My wife came to understand that I was transsexual. She said that she loved me and would continue to do so no matter what I decided. She would support me and stand by me, but she wouldn't stay married to me. This disclosure almost broke my heart. Perhaps it was payback for breaking hers. It still is hard for me to understand how she can have this limit on our marriage when I don't think I would have the same response if she were in my position. Our marriage had always been exceptionally close. I felt that my unhappy childhood had made me appreciate and value my relationship with my wife and children more than most people do. I agonized over how this would affect my relationship with my children. Although grown and on their own now, we were always very close, and I feared that they would reject me or the news of my transsexualism would hurt them.
I reached a point where I realized that the social stigma was not preventing me from transitioning either. I was willing to risk loss of employment and ridicule.
I spent 2 to 3 intense years struggling with my decision. I felt like I was right on the cusp for deciding one way or the other. Some days, I would clearly fall over one side. If it was in favor of transitioning, I'd tell myself to sit on it another day or two before committing to it. If it was on the side of not transitioning, I did the same. I continued to waver back and forth for many months. I felt like, if I decided to transition, once the decision was made, it was a point of no return. I would proceed with transitioning as quickly as possible, and none of the remaining journey would be as hard as the decision.
Eventually, I thought about the things I would be willing to do to make my wife and children happy and secure. It was easy for me to say that I would be willing to give my life for any of them. I would donate vital organs, jump in front of buses, run into burning houses, and expose myself to disease for their health or happiness. If I was willing to do this, shouldn't I be willing to forego transitioning? I eventually decided that this was a sacrifice I needed to make. I felt that I could not abandon my responsibilities as a husband and a father.
This has been hard to accept, but I am continuing to work in this direction. Perhaps my aging has helped with this decision. I don't feel so much like I have a biological clock ticking away, and that I need to decide quickly before it is too late. I am probably too old for effective transitioning now. It is still possible, but the results would probably be disappointing. The thinning grey hair, the wrinkles, the age spots, and the belly make me realize that I'm not dream girl .. or maybe I'm really only a dream girl.
Regrets and Envy
My biggest regret is for all of the time and energy that I have spent on dealing with my gender. For over 50 years, this has taken at least 50 percent of my energy. I regret that I have shortchanged my wife, my children, and my career during this time. I can't remember a single day when my gender problem wasn't on my mind for at least part of the time. I wonder how much better of a husband, father, and person I would have been if I hadn't had this distraction throughout my life.
We also all have those regrets of feminine experiences that were missed. I obsessed over them more than was healthy. They are the usual experiences:
• Puberty
• Breast development
• Menstruation
• Teenage years
• Learning beauty skills
• Grooming
• Dating
• Sex
• Marriage
• Pregnancy
• Breastfeeding
• Motherhood
• Bonding with children
• I could go on and on ....
I also see women and young girls experiencing life and feel intense envy for what they take for granted. But I know that there is nothing that will give me this. I need to accept it, appreciate what I have, and stop obsessing on this.
Over the years, I have watched with admiration and envy as many women have come to the transgender boards, having realized their gender confusion and agonize while trying to understand it better. Many of them have gone on with the journey through HRT, RLT, and SRS to become strong, beautiful woman. Many have come and then soon disappeared without completing the journey, leaving me wondering if it was postponed, if they realized they were not transsexual, or if they just went ahead living their lives in silence as I am trying to do.
My Future
I can't speak as an expert on surviving transsexualism without transitioning. I can only talk about what I've been through, what my conclusions are, and what I am trying to do. I may still find eventually that I can't really survive without transitioning. Although I intend to keep on trying to cope with this, it's something I will never know if I am successful at until I fail or die. Somedays, I get through just fine. Other days are a tremendous struggle, and I tell myself to just get through another day. To help in coping, I sometimes partake in some activities that allow me to feel a small amount of the feminine experience. I crossdress in private, I shave my legs and underarms, I wear women's undergarments under my clothes, I polish my toes, I wear makeup, etc. These activities are all a pale shadow of the life as a woman that I really wish I had, and they're even embarrassing to admit. Although my wife knows about these activities, she doesn't want to participate or observe them in person, so I have to do this by myself and then feel guilty later. This isn't ideal, by any means, but it's what I am left with.
Sorry for the excessively long post, but it has helped me to get some of this written down. I hope it is of some help to someone else, too.
Steph
That was a truly exceptional post.
Thank you very much for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences with us. I'm sure that many here will identify and relate to the different things you say and, after reading the above post, I think your experiences are very relevant, honey.
Once again, thank you for your insight. *hugs*
To stephb:
OMG, your testimony is profound!
You are 60, and I'm 53. You're a leading-edge Baby Boomer, and I'm a middle Baby Boomer. We are from a time when transitioning in our prime (ages 20s-30s) was socially and medically exponentially more difficult than it is today. The young people on this board can scarcely imagine the magnitude of the obstacles in those days.
Just like you describe above, I find myself at an allegorical Rubicon (A moment of life-changing decision of fantastic proportion) regarding transitioning. Not everybody necessarily HAS to transition, true. However, many of us on this board WANT to transition. I know that I certainly do. BUT, ... just as you describe here for us older T-gals, oh, the ramifications and complications!
There is hope. Thank you SO much for your wonderful story. I'll stop commenting on it now lest I babble onto infinity and upset anybody. Suffice it to say that I (and many of us here) really and truly feel and share your pain. We REALLY do.
Where there is a will, there is a way. We can work it out. Have hope.
More later.
Hugs!
Your experiences are very relevant, Steph. Everyone walks a different path in life, and while many on these boards do transition, some do not. It's a very hard choice to make, and I feel that perhaps you have chosen the more difficult option. Or perhaps I should say a different kind of difficult.
I wish you luck in your life, whatever option you end up living.
Vincent
Hi Steph,
Thank you for taking the time and trouble to post your thoughts with such clarity and detail. :icon_bunch:
I have read the piece twice, and found it very thought provoking.
We share a lot in common, with only some of the details different.
I'm 50 and at the "lack of sleep", "in therapy" stage, and I really don't know which way it will go.
I have noticed that times of severe depression or trauma, will often be the key that ultimately unlocks "Pandora's Box" for the likes of us who are trying to hold our feelings back..... Our coping mechanisms are only able to deal with a limited amount of stress before giving-in to the voice inside.
and LaceyLynne......
Quote from: LaceyLynne on February 13, 2009, 11:56:38 AM
Where there is a will, there is a way. We can work it out. Have hope.
....Well I've got the hope, but there seems to be one to many "will's" living in my head.... ;D
Hugs :icon_hug:
Chrissty
This was a very powerful post and I'm so glad you wrote it. So much of what's discussed on message boards is transitioning itself. That's understandable given that if you are in the process of transitioning you are going to have lots of questions and a lot to talk about. Not transitioning is another story. It isn't written about as much and certainly not in the way you've opened your heart about it.
I just turned 39, so I'm not where you are in life. But what you've written is still very relevant and also a bit of a glimpse of the future, if I continue to remain with my decision to not transition. One of the things I've always found to be the most difficult part to accept is that everyone says that GID doesn't go away. When I read posts like yours, I realize that it's probably true. But, it's still hard to accept even though in my own case I haven't seen any evidence that it will.
I especially found your words about regret to be very poignant. I can absolutely relate to that.
I applaud you for your strength. You've been selfless and obviously have great love for your family. I'm sure that whatever you do in the future, whether its to transition or not, you will find life to be rewarding. You sound like that kind of person.
Thanks again for taking the time to write this. It's been helpful to me and has made me think.
- Ella
I read your post and thought, this is so similar to my own life that I could easily substitute my signature for yours Steph.
As someone of about your age I know the agony you are going through. I hope we will both make the best decisions possible in the long run.
Hugs, Helen R
Thanks to all for the positive feedback. It seems like there has always been a lot of information for those who are transitioning, but very little for those who are trying to get through life without transitioning. My story certainly isn't the only story, and it's not the end of the story either. There are still many times when I question whether I've made the right choices or if I'll b able to stick with the choices I have made. At those times, it is only by making myself go through some of the processes that I discussed above that I am able to keep myself of this track and reassure myself that it is for the best. It just doesn't feel that good sometimes.
I've always had trouble making decisions in life and then not second guessing them. This is just a part of that pattern. I also know that for every choice made, other options are eliminated. That doesn't keep me from obsessing about them anyway.
Steph
All I can say is Wow.... That was written so beautifully, and with so much openness. I am Post-Op, and transitioned when I was a teenager. I have often had a hard time understanding why people older than I am just don't jump in with both feet and transition.
Your post has oppened my eyes to others who have been strugling with GID all of their lives.
Deb
I have to agree with everyone else and say that this was an amazing post.. and so much of it sounded like I could have written it. My transition is postponed now, almost entirely because I don't want to lose my wife and son.. I'm nowhere near being comfortable with the idea of living the rest of my life as a man, though.
I'm in therapy, and trying to figure out if I can "manage" or "cope" with my GID, or if I need to transition anyway... my heart goes out to you, Stephb... a lot of us are on the same path you took.
Steph,
This was a beautiful post. I can so much identify with what you are saying here. Thank you so very much for putting your struggle into words to share.
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Dear Steph,
You are not alone. I turn 59 this year and have struggle with this issue too long.
I to have made a
Quoteresolution to not transition, I know in my heart that I am transsexual and should be a woman. I can't choose whether to be transsexual or not, but I can choose what I do about it.
My wife is much like yours and I almost lost her because of my dressing. But at last I came to my senses (or did I) because of what it was do to her my 3 children and the restriction that they were about to impose on me concerning my grandchildren. It litterly broke my heart.
So I to cope by
Quotepartake in some activities that allow me to feel a small amount of the feminine experience. I crossdress in private, I shave my legs and underarms, I wear women's undergarments under my clothes, I polish my toes, I wear makeup, etc.
And am doing so now.
Thank you so much for the posting Steph now I don't feel so alone in this.
Jillieann
Very profound piece, Steph. And my heart goes out to you. Coming to a resolution not to transition is a long and difficult one, and I wish you the very best. Much of what you have said I can totally relate to.
But for me it came down to "Transition or die", as I have tried three times in my life. The last time was the wakeup call. I am 54, about to turn 55. I am now full time almost 6 months, and HRT for almost 11. I lost my wife and home, because of GID. I wish that on NO ONE.
If you can find a way to keep what you love and cherish, it that instead. If your own mental sanity can stand to remain in your current life, do it instead. If you can find happiness where you are at in life, then do it.
Transition is not for the faint hearted. And many do not survive it. But for those who do, it is rewarding and fulfilling.
I wish you joy and peace as you go forward.
Janet
Steph,
Thank you for your post. It is refreshing to hear this sort of perspective. I also have no current plans for transitioning and wonder every day about how I will make it through the rest of my life. I was touched by your honesty in writing about your regrets about having this issue take up so much of your time. It is my hope that I can come to a decision (within the next year or two) about whether I will transition or not, and then not look back. If I reach the firm decision to not transition, I hope to live my life without spending so much time thinking about this each day. I may still struggle with GID every day, but the time that goes into dwelling on it, doing internet research, considering my options, etc, takes up a significant amount of time that could be spent elsewhere!!
I wish you all the best.
Joseph
Thanks for your post, Steph. Other than a few details, I could have written much of the history you laid out.
I am 65 and am finally coming to terms with all this. I always thought I was a crossdresser even though my earliest memories are of wanting to be a girl. As I have opened the closet door, a lifetime of longings and feelings have come rushing out.
I thought seriously about SRS when I was 40 - 25 years ago. But that was a different time and I was a different person. Now I am just getting a glimmer that I may be able to transition. I still don't know if I will be able to.
My wife died two years ago. It was very difficult during her illness and after she died, but in one way it has given me the freedom to finally explore who I really am. I don't wish the death of a spouse on anyone - it is a horrible experience that takes years to recover from. But when one door closes another opens.
My daughter (35) is very supportive and encouraging. My friends range from supportive acceptance to enthusiastic encouragement. This has been a thrilling surprise to me. I am now just beginning to think I just may be able to live fulltime as the woman I've always wanted to be.
Still, it is a difficult decision. I was successful as a man. I dressed in private. My wife was usually accepting but would have prefered that I didn't dress. Deciding which road to take and how far down that road you want to go can be a long, difficult process. In the end, though, I think you have to be practical and go with your heart - not always an easy balancing act.
Good luck to you. In many ways I know where you are in life.
To thine own self be true.
- Kate
Hi Steph and welcome :)
Great post btw, I'm sure many of us recognise ourselves in your writing. What can I say... Well, I'm 56 and started to transition when I was 39 although I had previously taken hormones for a period as a teenager and while in my early twenties. Never had a thing about cross-dressing personally and still dress very butch unless I'm going out to a club with girlfriends and then it's half for a laugh and half because I feel uneasy dressing up in a male style.
As for those regrets I did have them too although with time they've diminished as I've come to accept and treasure the life I've had and the trial we all have.
At the end of the day I've had sex, three marriages (two of which with lesbians), a grown up son and daughter in law who accept me for who I am and an enormous family through my last marriage.
Sometimes dark times can bring wonderful things, keep faith in yourself and the future and things will work out God willing. :)
I too have made the same choice you have but for different reasons - reasons I feel are very important to me all the same. I am different than you though in that I did transition, and at a young age too, but ultimately decided that I should not continue it due to those important reasons I mentioned and so have since de-transitioned.
I too have learned that transition is not the right answer for me, and while it might bring relief from the symptoms of GID, it is not worth the excessive cost, so I too have had to learn how to deal with this on my own.
I believe you are correct in saying that many transgender sites tend to only focus on those who are transitioning while not a lot of attention is given to supporting those who do not transition. There are many reasons for this of course, and among them are issues of validation. If a transsexual individual can show or shows they can make it without transitioning, it seems to threaten some individuals who do choose to transition - at least that has been my experience. I cannot tell you the number of people (TS I have known in person) who have told me that I am destined to fail in my choice not to transition, and they do this, I believe, because they need me to fail to prove to themselves they made the right choice and didn't give up their families, jobs, and old lives for nothing.
I am so impressed with your statement however that you cannot know if you succeeded in not transitioning until you fail or die because this is true. I had friends, back when I was considering de-transitioning, who told me that it would be a mistake to do it, because no matter what, I'd be back - as in back to transitioning - but that I'd be older, and less successful at it. I decided I would prove them wrong.
Of course their words came ringing back into my mind only a few short months after I de-transitioned when the GID exploded again. I wondered if I could make it - if I wasn't just deceiving myself into thinking that the "transition or die" mantra didn't apply to me.
It has been 7 years since then, and while I still struggle with the symptoms of GID, I have come to understand it to a much greater degree than I ever believe I could have had I transitioned. I know where I am weak, and have learned how I can be strong. I have experimented and am still experimenting with various coping techniques. I have learned that some expression of femininity can be very helpful to relieve the symptoms, but just like a powerful prescription medication, doing too much of it can exaggerate the symptoms. I have also learned that during the times when my GID isn't bothering me as much, I must absolutely not get into a pattern of behavior that pretends like it doesn't exist. When I do this, and when the GID returns (because it always does) it always comes back stronger and more intense. I have learned that even in the times my GID is letting me alone, if I continue with the same coping techniques, the rebound is much less destructive.
I married a few years after de-transitioning and made my wife aware of exactly who I was, what I had done, and what I would continue to struggle with. She has been my constant ally ever since, helping to comfort me, as well as helping me to analyze what coping techniques work and which do not. I could not do this without her.
There is no cookie cutter answer for everyone I have learned. I have made a choice, and there is no magic pill to make the GID go away, nor a specific coping technique that works all the time. I hope that as more make the decision as we have, they will not be afraid to speak up so that we might learn from each other, create our own guides and help sites, and ultimately present an alternative to transition for those who would choose not to.
Thank you for your insight - I very much hope you will share more with us of what you have done to help deal with the symptoms of GID. Your post (and the replies to it) encourage me to speak out more often and share my own experiences as I too hope they can be of benefit to others.
Thanks Steph and Interalia for bringing this up. I am just recently thinking I might be able to transition, but I've been around long enough to know that just because I can do something doesn't mean I should do it. I am getting encouragement from my friends and daughter, but that doesn't mean I need to actually transition. Sometimes I get all involved in the technical stuff - how to come out, where to get my facial hair removed, etc. - and forget about the big picture: Is this right for me?
When I started dealing with this I just wanted to be able to get the paper off the lawn wearing a dress. (Actually, more than that, but you get the idea.) I always felt I would know when to stop on this road. And your input is helping me think about where I am and how far I want to proceed. This is a decision we each have to make for ourselves, taking into account our individual situation, those around us and our needs.
So thanks for bringing up the idea that we needn't rush headlong into transition.
Cheers,
Kate
Hi Steph. Excellent post and interesting replies. As others have indicated, there is much there that I too, can identify with. I'll be 56 this year and am trying again to transition. It is amazing the resources that have been made available because of the Internet. Wish this was around back then. Though I told my wife a few years ago that I've brought my GID under control, I think she knows that I'm struggling with it. My biggest anxiety is really over how this is effecting her and how I will be able to be sure she'll be taken care of when I finally do transition.
Anyway, I know that the decision you made is very difficult, and I understand how it affects your daily life. I truly hope the best for you as you continue to cope with such an intricate life.
Chrissty, hang in there. You've come so far. I'm very certain that you will complete your transition and be the happy woman you should be. Hugs.
Damn girl... I'm sure you know better than us how much more courage it takes to not transition. You sacrifice your own identity for your family's sake. It probably doesn't mean that much coming from some random guy on the internet, but I think that's truly admirable.
Thanks for your wonderful post Steph!
In 1993 I transitioned M2F and after a year or so, retransitioned due to various circumstances. I was happy living as a woman, however ultimately felt myself to be neither gender. For the present time I've made a choice to live without medical intervention, so am still physically male while female/androgynous in spirit. While I sometimes find it difficult to be perceived as male, and some days the dysphoria is worse than other days, I honor and accept myself as exactly who I am. I am out to the important people in my life, and that also helps.
Zythyra
Thanks to all for the thoughtful, supportive replies. Each of you had something constructive to add that I can learn from.
Everyday, I question whether I have made the right decision and whether I will be able to maintain this path. The one "good thing" about getting older is that you can see your options slipping away. Eventually, you realize that what you have is what you get. For better or worse, I am not a quitter. I know that if I decided to transition, I would not go back. This also means that I will stick with the path I have chosen until I am too old to do otherwise (if I'm not already).
Interalia ... your comments below fit very closely where I stand right now.
"It has been 7 years since then, and while I still struggle with the symptoms of GID, I have come to understand it to a much greater degree than I ever believe I could have had I transitioned. I know where I am weak, and have learned how I can be strong. I have experimented and am still experimenting with various coping techniques. I have learned that some expression of femininity can be very helpful to relieve the symptoms, but just like a powerful prescription medication, doing too much of it can exaggerate the symptoms. I have also learned that during the times when my GID isn't bothering me as much, I must absolutely not get into a pattern of behavior that pretends like it doesn't exist. When I do this, and when the GID returns (because it always does) it always comes back stronger and more intense. I have learned that even in the times my GID is letting me alone, if I continue with the same coping techniques, the rebound is much less destructive."
I have some more I need to say about this, but it will take me a while to get my thoughts together.
Steph
Thank you for this post.
I'm 27 (28 in two months), and this detailed account of your experiences has done much help me determine my own course. You helped me answer so many questions I've posed myself, and given me others upon which to ponder.
From the depths of my being: Thank you.
Steph,
Your post brings up a lot of painful memories about my transition. I too struggled with many of the very same things. For me, GID became progressively worse, no matter how hard I fought to stop it. I was able to stop drinking for seven years after being so dependent on it that I drank two double martinis every night. I stopped completely, not having a single drink in all that time. Yet, GID beat me. I became totally depressed and despondent after purges to the point that I would lie in the dark for weeks. I have found that now that I have transitioned and legally female that I can function and hope for happiness. However, I now wonder if I could only have done what you did, maybe my family would still love me. They gave begrudging support to my transition but once done, I am now ignored and treated like a visiting aunt who has overstayed her welcome. I tried everything to stop GID, even vicious self punishment but nothing worked.
I was deeply religious and felt that God had performed dozens of miracles in my fifty years of life. He was the reason I could stop drinking. However, instead of helping me, God, accelerated my transition. I was given courage to proceed and despondency when I faltered. Just having difficulty in putting in an earring in those early days would bring me to tears because I felt that I might not be able handle being a woman. To be clear, I did not feel that I was being forced by God to transition. He did nothing to help me stop no matter how many thousands of prayers I prayed. I could not conceive why He would behave like He did. I believed that Christians should not condone ->-bleeped-<-. I went with the "God doesn't make mistakes" doctrine. When I was struggling with my mother's telling me that I was a mistake as a child, He said, "I don't make mistakes." For the record, I do not believe that I am a mistake. I do not hold to current Christian doctrine about the transgendered or gays and lesbians. To my discredit and shame, I was bigoted before against the LBGT community and for years, I have felt that one of the reasons God did not change me was to show me the error of my ways. I am humbled and ashamed that I held those feelings. However, my faith in God has been shattered. I feel abandoned. Now, the church is my enemy, trying to cause the transgender community great harm.
I am emotionally alone and struggling with new problems. Internal struggles are gone but now I deal with rejection and other peoples revulsion towards me. These are mostly external problems. My wife has begun to drink again to cope with me being trans. She had stopped when I did for my sake. I have succumbed to drinking now as well. I am not drinking to excess yet but I know that it is dangerous. I drink to be closer to her. I often think it would be better if I left so she could perhaps start over with a man. However, I have no place to go. Maybe someday.
In spite of this, I feel that I am better off because I know that had I not transitioned, I would have killed myself. But, if I could have found a way not to transition and pretend I was a man, for the sake of my family, I would have done it. If you have a solution it is important to share it. I know that therapists would be interested in the techniques you developed. I really envy your success. It is too late for me though.
Maggie Kay,
I certainly don't think that I have a solution or cure for GID. It's just as hard for me as it ever was. I feel that I am only trying to cope with it the best that I can.
For people like us, I don't think there are any right answers or paths that don't come at a cost or bring some pain with them. I know that, for me, transitioning would bring a whole new set of problems and causes for depression even though it may address my GID. After a childhood where I felt alone and rejected, it is hard for me to imagine living as an older woman without my wife and children in my life. I am constantly weighing the costs and gains that either path would bring. I can't say that I won't ever conclude that I have to transition, but I am trying to stay committed to this path. For those who have transitioned or will in the future, you have my highest respect and admiration. I know the struggles you have gone through to reach that decision, and I know the courage needed to keep at it.
It sounds like you have found improvement in your life since transitioning in spite of some continuing problems. I can only suggest that you give your family more time to accept and understand your transition. Showing them that you are a happier person with a more positive outlook on life may allow them to appreciate your need to transition.
Good luck and keep your chin up. You have a lot to be proud of. Your changing perspective of the LBGT community is a transition that everyone can appreciate.
Steph
Wow, can I relate! Your story is just like mine. My GID fluctuates - every once in a while it goes away for a few seconds. However, even if I went through the pain and expense of transitioning I would probably end up just in between. Plus, I am mostly attracted to women, and my wife wants a husband not a wife. There aren't many lesbians looking for trans-partners. If HRT switched my preference to men, most of the available men my age and older are available for a reason, and not usually a good one.
Wow Steph, This has to be one of the most profound statements and thoughts on a subject I have ever seen on a site. It reads almost like my own bio and I can so relate to much of your reflections. Sadly or perhaps not, I took my transition to the next level. Born in 1947 and am now 62 and transitioning for the last two years I also fought the "good fight" if one chooses that as a metaphor.
I though could no longer walk one more step further and it did become for the umpteenth time a matter of transition or die. This time because of my age and what life I have left, I could no longer do as you are. There simply was no fight left in me.
The results are mixed, especially when it comes to loved ones and is very painful on a daily basis. The transition has to this date been difficult at times but I have to say also that it has been rewarding beyond my wildest dreams. Had I had just an inkling of how it really feels to be yourself in toto I would have transitioned years ago. The mental pain I allowed myself and others in the Medical and Psychiatric communitys to inflict on me is appalling to me now.
I do pray that you can find a measure of happiness in how you deal with GID and hope that you can remain steadfast if that is what you want to do. I for one couldn't do that anymore and am a much happier and contented female now. Hugs and love.
Wendy
First, I must say. For anyone who is (transsexual) and can go a life time of misery not transitioning, may God bless,
The only thing that makes me feel uncomfortable about this none transitioning proposition, well, like my dad use to say, *whistling in the dark.* Not happy and discontented with life to the point of being suicidal. Been there done that. I'm 63 years old and fully transitioned 9 years, and happy.
PS
Since this thread hasn't gone all that far since the server outage here and having gone back and reread all the posts, I just wanted to say I could feel all the different emotions in each post, some anguish, some sadness, some despair, some hope, some lost, some just barely hanging on, some questioning if they should have or shouldn't have, and some even if it was sinful that the church and even family would ostracise them for it.
Actually ostracising appears to be the operative word here, specially when it comes to family. Well it is good to think about these things because they are very likely to happen, all I can say is be prepared for those possible outcomes, have a plan and follow your heart, whether that be to transition or not to transition.
It is your choice only, it is a *life* choice, and no one else can make it for you. It is your choice as to how you want and choose to live your life.
Can you be *happy* being who you believe you truly are what ever gender you believe yourself to be and feel *comfortable* being? Are you truly comfortable truly being who you are? There will certainly be some *growing pains and sacrifices* to be made like letting go of things and people close and dear to you. You may need to face many unpleasant experiences in order to be who you truly believe yourself to be, or remain in your present gender and fight.
Which will bring *you* the most fulfillment in life? "Crap" I had to give up every thing that was familiar and dear to me in order to be "me." But I can genuinely say I am *happy* to be me, being me is the most precious part of my life. Before one makes the choice of transition or detransition should think, will I be happy with that choice and is that choice to live who I truly am? Do I feel like in harmony with body and soul?
I believe this is why they have the three months evaluation before prescribing HRT and the one or two year real life test or evaluation of living in the preferred gender before you are approved for the final physical transformation, SRS. Two years to actually live it and to make your own decision as to whether what you are doing is right or not, for you.
Cindy
First of all, thanks for sharing your experiences. I can relate to some of your experiences as I have had to indefinitely postpone my transition due to current issues at hand, some of which overlap with yours and others being totally different.
From that perspective, I would say it take as much courage to NOT transition and make sacrifices for your loved ones as it takes to actually transition. I have often seen 'non-transitioners' shunned and ridiculed at many a TG community and it makes me sad as not every one has the resources and favorable conditions to actually go and transition.
I can just hope the best for any people who make either decision as both paths are full of challenges and hope that in my interaction with the community, I may find my challenging path to take.
Hoping the best for my sisters and brothers here,
Angie
I am very thankful for this thread. I now know that I'm not the only older person here. Your initial post does indeed cover a Lot of us here and yes it is also good for the younger folks to understand the history of us older girls and how much better things are now and not projecting their decisions to transition and disparage those of us that are not or can not. I still look down and say this is wrong ( my male decoration ) but do I need the physical alteration ( just me not directed to anyone other than me ) to feel complete? At the present I am doing good. Still confused as to labels because I don't fit into just one. I have found over the years ( 62 now ) that when I let someone else influence me ( bad boy/girl? ) and tried to not acknowledge my Fem self it always came back to bite me GID whiplash just like someone out in the desert thirsty and when you see water you drink to much to fast right away to make up for the drought even though I know it is not good for my system. I believe thats why I am keeping an even keel - accepting inclusiveness for the total self and both m & F even though I do appreciate the upper body strength for things that need to be done on the homestead but always acknowledge my softer nurturing fem self. Hugs to all of you. DG
For me it was always trying to achieve some sort of balance. I was not able to transition earlier in my life for a whole host of reasons. But now I am in a position where I can transition, and so I am hoping to. (One step at a time.) But my life could very easily have gone along a road where transition would be too difficult - I would have had to give up too much. Some of us are driven so strongly to transition we will do it regardless of the consequences. Some are less driven. It is up to each of us to balance our various needs - GID, family, social position/situation, career, church, whatever. As we get older, those other factors become harder to change (through their nature or because of our reluctance). Although we tend to criticize others for not making the decisions we've made for ourselves, we need to remember that each of us is in a different situation, internally and externally.
May we all find joy, peace, and balance. How you achieve it for yourself is up to you. Good luck to each of you on your journey through life.
- Kate
You sound like a very strong person. I'm 31 now. And the only way i've been able to deal with this is to break down everything around me. More or less isolate myself. Have just barely enough money so that I have to use a lot of time and energy and creativity just to find food etc. I can make the days go past in that way. I have a high education, university, finished at my early 20's but I knew all along it was just to make time pass. A few times i've applied for jobs, and asked to come to interview each time. But I just shut down again, and didnt replay. I dont want to do that to other people, go around pretending-because that is so bad when people do to me.
How you have managed to make it work is beond me, it is truly amazing. I keep doing this because of my family. The know about it, since I've never been able to hide it. But it has never been talked about. My mother sent me to a healer when I was 16 that put her hands on my head. So i'm waiting for them to say something.
I'm not like a total looser. I do a sport in aviation, where i'm ranked high. And I go to world championships and so on. So I get some money because of this to go travel around. And this is something I truly like, being up in the air alone, away from this planet. But that is also totally ->-bleeped-<-ed up when I am back from space. I usually bring my tent-because I can not stay with the other guys. And people have difficulty relating to me at all. It is just these things that I do better then them that makes them talk to me at all. I truly enjoy spending time with those new to this, since they sometimes look at me like a fountain of knowledge and wisdom regarding this. So that I get a feeling that I mean something. So I often try to transcend this woman/man thing altogether. But it only last so long. One can not stay in the sky 24/7..One good thing, and something that have enabled me to reach this level in this, is that I dont care if I live or die. So i've almost killed myself several times when I have pushed to far and crashed to the ground. One time I woke up in the evening in that alps. Not able to walk, and being unconsious for several hours. And only reaction I had was- well lisa-a, that was a bit stupid. And then made the call for the shopper. One week after I'm in the air again-having had people carry my stuff since I was far from healed. And no scare at all-just a wonderful feeling of being in the air and away from the planet again.
So i'm kind of angry and sad with everything, and find almost no motivation to do anything. Even though having my own family is my highest wish. It seems like tripple mount everest to climb. Like i've tried to be with woman. But it becomes so complicated that I cant find myself to do it anymore. I just do some kissing, since I like that and then retreat...when the clothes go of I almost feel sick, not of her, but of me, so like this, it is never going to be a family. It's the whole fake thing that make is so difficult. I often think that I am insane, and not able to see reality at all. Maybe it's true.
I'm also afraid to go to a specialist. Maybe they say that it is not GID problem I have. I'm just a total ->-bleeped-<- up. I'm not sure if I'll be able to deal with that.
But my biggest problem is that time stands still. Probably, if one get the clock going, then it is more okay, either one transitions or not.
So I continue on, in my cave more or less. I've dressed more or less every day since as far back as I can remember. That is some of the few things that make me feel good. That always helps for some reason. Not all the way as CD's do, but just something simple-like normal. But bad experiences early on made me try to not do this to other people.
So as long as people threat me as a male, all these problems comes. People that know me, dont do it that much, if they do I dont stay around. But those that dont know me do it. I dont really look at my self as a woman-but closer then to a man.
So it is difficult. I've used most of my life to try to figure it out, finding a way out...But like not dressing up, I could never do. That is like the one thing that make me function. I tried burning once at 13, and once at 17, and once at 20 I think. All times it lasted about one week...After that last time I stopped feeling guilt. I really think I am way to deep in. My last girl friend-5 years ago. Told me that I scared her, how this was going to go. That I was way more feminine then her on the inside. I didnt say anything because I knew it was true. But I thought she would like that-and that it could work, since her more masculinity was the reason I picked her out, or more correct let her pick me out-i've never approached anyone like that. But she didn't work that way, so I lost interest in relationships after that, so I pull away now when I sense that.
So I guess I'm still trying to get my life together, and integrate into society, and not do anything about this.
You can always slowly slide into it. Start with nails and a little clear polish and subtly start shaping your eyebrows and dress a little more Androgynous and people won't have to deal with the complete change all at once. Scared and fear will paralyze you, so go see a professional and see what their determination is --- I think you already know the answer to that. Keep you head up and move forward. From your post I can tell you are good at what you enjoy. Then just transfer that to showing your Fem. side and you should be just as successful. A little bit of seclusion is good for introspection but total isolation will take you to places that probably are not good for you and sometimes your imagination will make things out to be worse then they really are when in fact you should be liberating yourself. It is worth it. Check out the threads here and you will see freedom will set you free. Hugs.DG
Hi lisa_a hun.
Your story reflects mine in a lot of ways. I was about in the same place you were at about the same age you are now. I also was a lfy-gir. Flew bush planes. Chartering out taking tourists out to their cottage destinations. I also loved flying and had no fear of dying. Drove stock car, Demolition Derby, snow machines etc, what ever had wheels. The reason for this was since I was supposed to be a guy I was always vying to be part of the guys. Didn't work. I also ended very much alone, living on the street with my friend my bottle of magic elixir, fix it all alcohol.
But then this is a thread for Living without transition, I was week, I began transitioning when I was 55. I would not trade the past nine years living as my true self for one second of that hell in the past.
Cindy
Hi Lisa,
As DragonGirl and Cindy said, it really helps to talk to a professional. They will help you on all sorts of levels, not just with the GID but all the rest. Sometimes you need someone to talk to and someone to listen to you who can sort out the various interlocking problems.
I once tried to restore an old car. Sometimes I could work on it, but other times I would go out to the garage and look at it and start thinking about all the different things that needed to be done. Then I'd go get a beer.
My point is, even though everything is inter-related it helps to work on one thing at a time. And a counselor can help you with that.
It sounds like you present yourself as not really masculine. Gender doesn't have to be a binary - male or female and nothing else. People are much more accepting of variation now than they used to be. Perhaps you can find something in-between that will feel comfortable to you.
Self-loathing is very destructive. You have a university degree. You have had job offers. You have people who look up to you for what you can do. There are many reasons you can be proud of yourself.
You are as God made you - a woman but with a male body. Perhaps it is a test. If you can be successful pretending to be (mostly) male, perhaps God will then open a door for you to be the woman you are.
[I don't think in those terms - my spirituality is very different - but if those terms fit how you see the world perhaps this explanation can help.]
Good luck. It is not an easy road. Be gentle with yourself as you struggle along it. :-*
- Kate
Quote from: K8 on April 19, 2009, 08:16:30 AM
Hi Lisa,
..
Perhaps you can find something in-between that will feel comfortable to you.
..
- Kate
I think I am in between. I posted some videoes in the height thread. One of them was this. But even like that is like torture. That is how far I can go to the male side. I dont feel like I have multiple personalities. I dont want this to be a issue at all. It's such a small thing-but still it is so big.
/http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5190961049758200008
I understood your analogy. I dont think in those terms either. But I have learned that all doors I want to open I have to do myself, that is how it has always been. But with my family-I hope they will(and here I am starting to understand that I have probably stepped wrong the whole time). That is kind of how I break down these things around me down. I dont live on the street, but not so far from it-and don't take money from the government-everyone get that here if they have to, since we have a very rich country. So that they can understand, and feel that I dont have anything to loose. And I have open doors in this area as well. It is only that there is other people on the other side that closes it...so I kind of feel helpless. And I dont push them open-that is not how I work. So I feel helpless. If there was acceptance I would have transitioned when I was 16, I knew about it then as well. But every door to me I opened(although in strange ways), was closed from the other side. And ended with me being told that there was something wrong with me, I hit my head when I was a kid, severely-unconscious for a long time-this happened many times-i've always fell down and things like that, and hitting stuff, so I was told my brain was damaged-but a healer would set me straight. So that shut me of from the world-I went to her, but that was the most stupid thing I've ever experienced. So I found out that I had to figure this out my self-but I am about to reconsider. I actually made an appointment some weeks ago-but cancelled 3 hours before. So I'll try to do it again, and go through with it.
Quote from: cindybc on April 18, 2009, 02:32:22 PM
Hi lisa_a hun.
..
I also ended very much alone, living on the street with my friend my bottle of magic elixir, fix it all alcohol.
..
Cindy
I know that feeling. That is also a good escape. I don't drink that often, don't need to when I am alone. But I always become unconscious when I do it, even the first time when I was about 14 it was like that. I've woken up on the intensive care 3 times..lol-beaten up-I'm not violent at all-but men often become aggressive with what I say or look or whatever. And when I probably just laugh of it-it does not improve of the situation. Well, i never remembered those episodes-so it's like they never happened. Flying is great. I don't use engines though, just thermals. It's not really a guy thing either, I usually find my self flying with the good girls. It's like we make the same decisions. Just now in Italy. One day a French woman was just in front of me. The nest day I was some sec in front of her. Lol-that is kind of typical. And you mentioned cars. I totalled 8 cars up until I was 20, I've always been a horrible driver. The worst was when I fell asleep in the middle of the day, and went three times up in the air. And I crawled out from the one place where the roof was not pushed down. All reaction I had was-ehh-next time you should probably stop lisa-a if you notice you are sleepy. So sometimes I am just happy that I am alive. I'm not religious-so I believe that this is what I will have in this life. And I dont want to die.
I think I can imagine what you say about the last years. When I think back, my mind goes blanc, only thing I can remember is the problems when I concentrate. Even the school,I was not really there, I went to some lectures. And speed reading to the exams. And suddenly I got the diploma, in engineering, I remember I stared dumb at it, wondering what I was to do with this. But I did learn something from that, like a way of thinking. And in another way it made time pass, so that I am still without any strings. Except those to my family.
Quote from: DragonGirl on April 18, 2009, 12:51:43 PM
..Scared and fear will paralyze you..Hugs.DG
Oh, I know. I still run and hide, quite often when there comes people here. I just cant understand why I'm so scared of people, while other things I dont care about at all. My whole reality is so bizarre that I cant help but laugh of my self from time to time. And that is a good thing, I suppose.
And that I am not religious, at least not in regular sense. I believe in mother nature. And sex switching happens all the time in lots of species. So when I look at it this way. I don't understand why I don't find the motivation to do something about it. So in my head there is nothing wrong I can do. If it should turn out to be a mistake, i'd probably just do as always-well lisa-a, that wasnt very clever was it, and forget about what was. So in light of this knowledge, I wonder why I dont go to action. What is holding me back, it's part the family. But also the feeling that it is to late. I remember very vividly when I was about 13. Some boys in my class had put up posters in the classroom of halfway naked girls. And our teacher told us if we knew that those was actually boys. I didnt show it, but I certainly didn't have the reaction she was hoping for. All I was thinking about was, wow, how could that be possible. She explained about the hormones, and i've longed for them ever since. And another thing, when people call me girly things, I never say anything, never had. But it is not like that the other way around. And sometimes on trips, I've suddenly been told that this is the woman toilet. Then I look around, and oh, sorry. Episodes like that make me wonder if they are accidents, or it is my unconsciousness. They happen now and then. And i'm not aware. I'm just told firmly that this is for girls, whatever the situation is. I try really hard to not put label on myself. But if I'm to be perfectly honest with myself I'm quite sure where my identity is-even though I believe in multiple genders. At least a sliding scale. I tend to put my points on the ends, but more on the woman side. And when it comes to people, I put most of them there. And that also complicate things, as I put most people I know around the middle, or on the masculine side, even woman...
Sorry to clutter up your thread stephb, but I've found out recently that I like to write about these things, so it tends to happen spontaneously. Should probably make my own thread for these random braindumps. I'm not sure if I'm really trying to cope, as is what this thread is about. Probably for me it is like trying to figure out the distance over the gap before I jump, that is how I look at it I guess, and if I ever will be brave enough to make that jump-and should. I think I would just prefer to have an accident-and just wake up transitioned after a long coma. That would be easy.
Hi lisa_a hun, I love writing as well. I even tried to publish some books a few years back but that didn't pan out. You realise how much money and red tape it takes to publish a book? I did the next best, I am an active member in 5 different boards and enjoy posting stories on different experiences in my life as well as some fictitious stories and children's stories on one children's board.
Why don't you start your own Blog here on Susan's. A good place for a mind dump, mind you people don't very often respond to your blog but you be amazed how many visit. A good opportunity to teach others about your experiences, experiences that may be beneficial information for them.
Have a wonderful afternoon.
My blog
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,286.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,286.0.html)
Cindy
Lisa,
We all seem to deal with this in different ways. Reading about how others are doing it (or not doing it) helps us to see what some of the possibilites are. I like that this thread has started some conversation about how well these alternatives work.
I think, for those of us with GID who have not, or are not transitioning, this will always be a part of our lives and something we are constantly re-analyzing. Maybe that's an indication that we should have transitioned. Maybe it just means that it's real and that it's a big, difficult problem with no easy answers.
Steph
It's getting to the answer that is the hardest part. After that it is just living with yourself as who you are. There is a period of time that after the struggle is over and you have established yourself as who you are you may hit a gray area. It may feel that with all the struggles finally removed it is like, free falling in zero gravity.
This will be the time for Reshaping your life and evolving into a new perspective on life. GID my nemesis no longer exists. I have no Idea what it would be like to not transition so I can not give advice on that. I only know what it was like for me. HELL!
If anyone can do it without transitioning and be reasonably content and or happy with their lives, then hey, Bless ya. I just never heard of anyone doing so. I am not saying no one has, I just never heard of anyone that was in all 63 of my years. If it can be done, then May God bless.
Cindy
Cindy
Have a wonderful afternoon as well. I'll think about a blog. I'll come visit to yours :)
stephb
I wish you the best, I truly do. I think this problem is very real indeed.
I'm 49. I transitioned a year and a half ago. It was totally transition or die for me.
I do not slag off anyone else for their decisions. I trust each individual to make the best decisions for herself. But I hate it when my family applies pressure on me-- first to stop transitioning, and now, to detransition. They hear stories (often promoted by right-wing Christian media) of those who detransition, and convince themselves that I can and ought to do the same. They maintain this idea to deny my compelling need to be who I am. So the example set by non-transitioners and detransitioners is not problem-free for me. I respect the decisions of others about how to live their lives-- but others do not accord me the same respect for my life. So I've lost my family. Well, that's just tough. But it couldn't be helped.
The incentive of keeping my family was not enough to stop me from transitioning. Why? Because if I could not transition, I would rather be dead, and I surely would be dead. And that would not be of any benefit to my family either!
I suffer no qualms about if I'd only tried harder to be male, like they insist, that I could have avoided transition. I know that this was not possible, and if I'd tried to force myself to do so, it would have been very dangerous and almost certainly lethal. I know myself better than they do. I held off as long as I could, and it got to where I nearly destroyed myself before I admitted my need to transition. It was very harmful to me.
I am at peace, ethically and morally, with my transition, I know I did the right thing, and I reject my family's constant attempts to heap guilt on me. Actually, they are in the wrong for treating me like that. All they will ever accomplish by that is adding to the pain.
As for losing my wife, I want to lose her. I don't love her and I can't stand being around her any more. She has been abusive toward me for all the years we've been married. I can't wait until she is out of my life for good.
Just because you can avoid transition does not mean that everyone can. It depends on the severity of GID. Some get the sniffles, some catch cold, and some come down with full blown double pneumonia. Each individual has to know herself and decide for herself. My experience does not necessarily have any bearing on your case, nor does yours on mine.
Full GID is not fun. "No one must know about my problem, I must hide it when out there among other people.'
Fake a smile, grin, even and when no one is watching you better have a hanky or kleenex with you, you will need it to wipe the sweat and tears.
You go to bed at night staring into the darkness and pull the blankets up under your chin, fear and anxiety created by GID causes you to sweat bullets. The sheets are drenched and you tremble as you desperately try to distract your train of thoughts.
"No one must know! No one must know! This must go to the grave with me. If anyone should find out, forgive me, Great Spirit, but my soul will be worth less than mud among those who know me. So therefore I must suffer this curse alone, I cry and my tears drench my pillow."
Cindy