Susan's Place Transgender Resources

 This is my first attempt at a poll so I hope it turns out okay. I noticed an answer to a new person in the Intro today that begged a discussion. It dealt with a letter to her Family.  For most of us it is, or was a very difficult dicision to make on the delivery method, whether to tell in person, write a letter, use a combination or to even just go stealth. I think it is one of the hardest steps we must take, one that either brings you closer or tears you away from Family, freinds, others and even security. I really believe that this might make it just a bit easier for those preparing to take that step in deciding which way to go.

Mine was a combination of having a heart to heart talk with those on my wife's side of the family and resorting to a letter on my side. The latter was a drastic mistake that even after a year has still not been resolved. My wife and step daughters have aided, asisted and we have stayed together, still strong as a family. Please, your thoughts on a very important subject.

I told my mother the same day as my first appointment with a gender specialist, she proceeded to tell my father. I told my sister however she was in a state of hysteria and has not spoken about it since. My other sister (10 year old) has asked but I haven't said anything, don't want to confuse her.

Friends I have all told in person or they have guessed..

I used a letter to come out to people at work though.

Hope that answered your question!

I do think the letter is a really good way of coming out however. (I will be writing a letter to my mother just before I have chest surgery, as she will only fly off the handle before hand though)

Where ever possible, I did it face to face.

That allowed for a fair amount of discussion as necessary.  If I couldn't do it face to face, I would use the phone.  Then after that it was email with a phone update.

Almost everyone had complete acceptance of me.  Though there were a couple who couldn't grasp the concepts and thought that this was a poor life choice and that I would regret it.  No one really responded badly, though in the intervening time, a couple of those I talked to just "drifted away", so I can imagine what what went on in the background.

When I went full time, I no longer made any pretense of maintaining my prior life.  So when I sent out Christmas cards that first year, I signed them all as Sandy.  One of my brothers did not inform his (adult) children and when they received my card, they were very confused.  It made it complex for my brother, but I did offer to contact them to save him the effort, but he said he would do it.  I think he didn't tell them because he couldn't figure out how to say it.  I suggested "Well, your Uncle is now Aunt Sandy..."

I found that period of my life was one of the most empowering times I have ever experienced.  I am proud of myself now and that act of coming out to all and sundry actually reinforced my self esteem and my resolve.

-Sandy

Always done face to face....letters are Meh

Quote from: Wendy C on February 17, 2009, 12:54:28 PM
For most of us it is, or was a very difficult dicision to make on the delivery method, whether to tell in person, write a letter, use a combination or to even just go stealth. I think it is one of the hardest steps we must take, one that either brings you closer or tears you away from Family, freinds, others and even security. I really believe that this might make it just a bit easier for those preparing to take that step in deciding which way to go.

Mine was a combination of having a heart to heart talk with those on my wife's side of the family and resorting to a letter on my side. The latter was a drastic mistake that even after a year has still not been resolved. My wife and step daughters have aided, asisted and we have stayed together, still strong as a family. Please, your thoughts on a very important subject.

I agree.  I think you have to look at every loved one, and significant person in your life, and actually tailor an approach that would work best with each.  For me, distance was a factor with my two closest relatives, my mother in the SE US, and my sister in the western US.  A phone had to be my tool of choice.   I really felt like I needed the interactiveness of a conversation even if it was just a voice call, and not able to be face to face.   Actually, with my mother, I took the combination approach that you mention Wendy, in that I knew I was going to be close to her in a future trip, so I called her a week before, and told her about me, and then followed up with I will be there in a week.  It gave her time to think about what I told her, and I gave her the option of seeing me as she once knew me, or as I am now, and she asked me which I preferred, and I said most definitely the latter, that I was pretty much through with facades, and she agreed to meet "me" for the first time.  The seeing after the phone conversation really sealed the reality for her, but it was a wonderful two-step approach.   But it does help, that she was very accepting.   I later found out she cried immediately after we met and I had left, mourning for the loss of her son, but she now has a new daughter, and we move forward on that level. 

I don't think that reading a "coming out to family or friends" guide really is an absolute answer to anyone except that it puts ideas on how to approach it with family.  It comes down to the individual just figuring out what will work best, for which person in their life, and trying their best to predict how they will react, and using that in the process of coming out.   I'm certainly no expert, this is all very new to me, but it's been so smooth, and wonderful. Unbelievably so....

*huggs*,
Melan

It depended on the person. I came out to family face to face. I did the same for most friends. For my ex wife, I used a letter with face to face. For everyone else, I sent an email.

I chose other.  My former spouse paved the way for me and I didn't even have to ask!  Once I found out all the people she had told over the years, especially in the last year of our marriage, I figured the cat's out of the bag so I might as well be me.

Honestly, had she been able to keep my trust I don't think I would have ever transitioned and we'd probably still be married.  Maybe I should thank her!

Julie

My parents I emailed (*slightly* awkward, as I still live at home. :P I wrote it and sent it to their separate email accounts and left a note by the front door for when they woke up telling them to check their emails. The most terrifying emails I have *ever* sent :icon_nervious: :icon_eek: :embarrassed:).

My friends...I've only told a handful. One I told through an email because it was the middle of the night when I stumbled across the term "transgender" and began to figure things out, and was so excited that I wasn't completely crazy that I *had* to tell him *then*, it couldn't *possibly* wait 'til the morning (and he's gay, so I was fairly sure he'd be fine with it. He was the first person I told, too). Another friend I told through email 'cause she lives overseas, and another 'cause we don't often see each other but I really needed her to know.

The last two friends who know I told in person 'cause they asked me outright about why I was wearing men's clothes (they didn't mind at all, they were just curious, and we were at uni near a pride tent, so it may have got them thinking about it).

Will

I came out to my parents via a letter, and to maybe 10-12 friends via e-mail, phone calls, face-to-face, etc... all last fall... I received almost universal support and encouragement... which has made the decision not to transition even more painful for me.. crap.

I chose "letter" then it occurred to me I should have chose combination *facepalm*

I used MSN to tell all my closest friends, then a letter to come out to my sister in law and brother, then a text message to come out to my sister. Then I used facebook and the word eventually spread to everyone who was left.

I came out to my mom in person and my dad on the phone. Both times I hadn't planned but was too drunk to care and just blurted it.

I came out to everyone in person and I am glad I did it because it gave me a lot of self confidence in the end, though it was not very easy...
I send some letters of explaination afterwards, but the coming out itself was in person...

I did what I usually do. I'm just better with words when I can write them down, that way I can remember everything that is important to me so nothing gets left out. After having written the letter I usually have all the things said present in my mind, so I end up thinking "why did I write that letter anyway?" and then choose the face to face option.

I'm currently working up the stones to come out to my mom. I intend to do so over msn as I feel more comfortable writing certain things to certain people than I am with speaking them out loud.
It's the shame factor I'm sure.

I used a letter at work to inform mt coworkers.  An e-mail to my Daughter.  Others I told face to face.

My Daughter told her brother and step brothers.  The only ones left are extended family, but they are not really that close.

Janet

Internet Messengers for the win.
Combines the whole "writing easier than saying" and the "realtime, person-to-person" things that are otherwise impossible to get together.

I used a combination for my stepfather at dinner one night i gave him the letter with what i was going to say but couldn't, i had him read the first part then the second part, then we discussed what i wrote, it was emotional for both of us, i gave him the book True Selves to read, he likes reading, i didn't push him but would ask now and then how he's doing with the book, finally when he was done reading it we discussed things and where i am going. For him that approach worked cause he accepts me. My good friend i told over breakfast one morning, she's very open minded and i knew she would be ok with me telling her and she was. My stepsister i will send a letter and ask her to call me, she lives quite a distance away, my stepbrother and his wife  who live close by i will just send a letter, they didn't like me much before, the rest of extended family i plan on sending letters because they are scattered all around the country. As far as other friends, I'm being very androgynous looking and most think I'm gay so i will wait till they ask what's going on.

Paula.

The persons I felt should know, I just told them before I was found out so it would be no shock. Of course my family members love their gossip so I'm sure the word got around fast. That must have a large long distance phone bill.

-1 year later-
:)
I told my friend who "accidently" slipped it to my counseler. Then she made me tell my mum, before i let my life slip by. Don't know whether i should thank her or hate her.

I picked stealth.  Mainly because, I never came out to my family or friends.  The reason being I packed my bags and left, this was in 1989.  I arrived in a big city where I was going to live for the next 15 years.  One uncle who knew what I was doing and were I was (safety reasons), eventually told my mum and someone else, who in turn told others.

Just recently this conversation came up with my mum and she said that she did not tell anyone when she was told what I was doing.  I have told my family members when I caught up with them 2 to 3 years after my surgery that I do not want them telling anyone about what I had done.  To this day they have kept it to themselves and I am truly thankful for their discretion.

Kind regards
Sarah B

I was outed by my ex wife while I was in hospital, she told my parents who had come down to visit me but then they made a hasty retreat back home, so I knew something was up. She also told my brother and sisters primarily I think to make me look bad as she had decided to leave as the marriage was over, something else I found out after I was released from hospital. I later found that she had also told a few of my friends who turned out to be ok about it, my other friends I told face to face. I have had a few rejections but mainly acceptance but that may be because I have moved away and don't see them face to face very often. But life coudn't be better, in a way I am pleased that she told people it saved me a difficult job.

I made a list of everyone I needed to tell, starting with close friends in the local area.  I told each person individually, face-to-face because I somehow felt I owed them that courtesy.  I told the core group in as rapid succession as I could manage, because I didn't want them to have the burden of keeping my secret for long. 

Early in the process I told my daughter by telephone.  (She lives 1,200 miles away.)  I told my sister and brother and a few others who live far away by letter, but only after I had built a local network of supporters.  I was fortunate, because it all went very well. :)

- Kate

I told my husband and counselor in person, and my sisters, aunt and dad by phone. Kinda wish I didn't tell my aunt and dad, I think things are weird between us now, but we've never been close and I don't think they ever thought much of me anyway.