Well it has been a Month and 5 days since I went full time, changed my legal name and came out at work. My bank cards have all been changed which really helps as it is quite embarrasing to present female and then sign with a guys name on the receipts.
My wife after the change was naturally upset as it was a reminder to her that she has lost her husband is doing better now that the initial shock of the name change has wore off. There was one incident Saturday night that both had us in tears though. We went out to a bar where my daughter was bartending and they were having a St Paddys Day party with dancing and Karioke. There was one slow dance that was being played that my wife and I used to always dance to. I glanced over to her after I saw many couples going to the dance floor. It was already bothering me that I couldnt dance with her and than I saw tears in her eyes and the hormones kicked in and I had to dry my own eyes in the Ladies room and gain my composure.
That really hurt and for the first time I honestly and truly missed an aspect of David. It was such an emotional moment that I thought of detransitioning. I have never felt that way before, but the pain of seeing her hurting and grieving was almost overwhelming for me and I have tears in my eyes again as I write this. Who said full time was always easy?
Okay, dryed my eyes, have to move on. My work situation has been absolutely positive. I work at a VA Med Ctr and everyone from HR down has been great. My paperwork with the name change was done on record time and the last of it, my change on the Ins. Med card was submitted last week. Now I have to worry that they wont cut off my HRT and Endo with the no transitioning coverage clause. Still not sure why they have been paying it all this time but it may work to my advantage that they did so without questioning it. Here's hoping to that.
I'm still waiting to here from the Womens Clinic for the Veterans if they will switch my records over to their Primary Care Physician. I had talked to her and she was the one who suggested I do that and the Vet rep, helped submit the paperwork. Again everyone has been cooperative and I have been exceedingly fortunate so far.
I now have to get up twenty minutes earlier every morning, ugh, to put some make up on. Thankfully I dont have to wear dresses and can just wear jeans and my workshirt. It would be kind of nice to do so but I at least save the expence of it all. It is kind of nice that if I dont feel like messing with my hair I can just pin it up or put it in a tail, lol. I marvel at the abilty to just dress as you want, go classy, mix and match, jeans and T, etc. No offence to the guys here but I love being able to do this and it really doesnt take much to add that little extra touch of femininty that helps tip the scale towards acceptance. Okay guys, no groaning, I'm really sane, lol, and I know you are happy with what you are doing.
Does anyone ever have like a flashback and do something that is totaly guy without any forethought? I have been sitting and peeing for well over a year now and at least six months even at work. I came home the other day after my hours drive from work, had to go really bad and all of a sudden I realized that I was standing doing my buisness, What the hell!!! Where did that come from? Sure hope I dont do that after SRS.
God, this is so exciting and I could keep on taliking about it. It really is wonderful to finally be yourself even if I still have the SRS to go yet. I am very comfortable and for you girls and guys that haven't yet reached this point, know that it will come for you also. Okay, I know, Wendy is writing a book with thread. I'll stop now. Hugs and love all.
Wendy
I am so happy for you Wendy.
I'm sitting here with a silly grin after reading that (except the sad beginning of course)
I am so glad for you, Wendy. And I understand the feeling at the party. There are two songs that make me cry, because they were songs my ex and I had as our songs. It is sad to thing that that is over now.
But on a happier note. Yes I do some things that are a flashback to the 'guy' mode. Cars, home repairs, things like that. The bathroom thing is.... well.... No, no issues it that respect. :laugh: After SRS, just don't do the shower thing. >:-)
At least, you only need 20 minutes. I take at least 45 minutes.
And Welcome to full time as you.
Janet
My heart sunk as I read this. Your poor wife. I don't think it was the hormones getting to you that made you cry. That would be sad for anyone who still loved their wife.
I'm glad you are doing what you must, but man - that would be too much to bear for me.
I'm glad for you. I obviously don't know much about your situation, but why is it that you couldn't dance with your wife anyway? Are you not together anymore?
Well I thought it made great reading, and I can't wait for the next installment... ;)
..Yes... there are moments of sadness, but I guess it has to beat being sad all the time? :-\
..and..if I am honest, I have to admit some jealousy, but I am really pleased it is going well for you.. :icon_flower:
:icon_hug:
Chrissty
Hi Wendy! I am so envious. Full time now. It must be so nice to be getting on with your life. I understand the sadness part, I'm still dealing with that in regards to my wife, but that's another story. Sounds like things are going well for you and I hope it continues. Take care! Hugs.
Thanks all for the comments. Leslie I hope things are going well for you and perhaps one day we can have coffe or something together and give each other silly grins in RL, lol. Hugs Hon. Have a Thursday afternoon appt by the way with the Therapist again.
Janet you are so very right on with the songs, there are some that really get to you. Good grief girl, I hope I dont do the shower thing, shhhh, dont even talk about that. *giggle* Did I mention I sacrifice the other 25 mniutes of good make up just so I can go to work with shoes on. :o
Interalia, yes it does hurt and I suspect it is going to take a lot longer than the two years I have been transitioning to quit loving her. 26 years together and 24 of them married and in love is hard to just toss away. It is my greatest regret. But I know that the alternative would have been much worse and final.
Vesper, I'll try to explain. My wife is completely straight in her sexual views and has expressed absolutely no intrest in resuming a romantic relationship with me. She has her needs and that leans towards a male. I am not that anymore. Besides two girls slow dancing in a redneck bar would lead to 1. my outing, 2. her embarassment and possibly 3. getting the crap beat out of me. None of those choices appeal to me. Fast dances yes, slow not worth the potential trouble.
Chrissty, good reading? :) thank you but I thought I just kind of rambled all over the place. And Oh yes, most of the time it is better than before, it is comfortable being in the right skin finally, well almost anyway, I'm still a work in progress. Dont be jealous Hon unless you want to 62, an old woman and in my opinion unattractive. You on the other hand look adorable. Hang in there Sis.
Katherine you are doing fine, it is a long road we walk and I remember reading about others progress when I first started out and just ached for them and wished I could be doing that. It comes in its own time with its wondrous moments and its heartaches, but it does come. Big Hugs girl.
Dang Chrissty anyway, now I'll have to do a sequel at some point. Hugs and thanks again for your thoughts.
Wendy