Video:
FTM Dating Dilemma (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TSeAnZpZbY#lq-lq2-hq)
I'm 19 years old and completely a virgin. No sex, no real kisses.
I find it hard to date straight women because most of them expect a real penis.
I find it hard to date straight men because obviously they're interested in my vagina.
I find it hard to date anyone who has a penis because it causes a lot of dysphoria for me.
I find it hard to date gay men because most of them expect a real penis.
I find it hard to date lesbians because dating a woman who dates women questions my manhood.
I find it hard to date bisexuals because most of them aren't single.
I find it hard to date pansexuals because they are hard to come by.
I find it hard to date transmen because all of the transmen I have met are straight.
So there is a lot to deal with, here. My options seem limited to women and transmen. Someone who is or once was female-bodied. My options seem limited to bisexuals, pansexuals, and some very open straight women.
It is hard to "convert" a lesbian, plus I wouldn't want to. I don't want to try to change how someone sees their sexuality. Although this type of girlfriend seems most common-- FTMs seem to date girls who were or still identify as lesbian. I am very uncomfortable with that idea. I don't want her to be attracted to my pussy or breasts.
I used to think relationships could happen without sex, but people say that the only difference between a friendship and a relationship is sex. I kind of want something in between. Sex WOULD come, but with time and familiarity. I'd prefer to use a strap on or be anally pegged, but there aren't many people who seem comfortable with that...
I'm really struggling here.
Look bro, you're not alone...
There's a lot of us out there who are strugling just like you. ;)
For me it's problem, cause I don't know am I gay or str8...
Sometimes I like girls, sometimes guys.
But just like you, I don't know who to date.
It's just like you've writen, everyone expects something that you cannot give right now. I totally understand you.
Plus, I live in a small town, so I can't make a move on any girl. Guys yes, but most of the time it's just don't seem right to me. Don't know how to explain...
Anyway, you have time... You're 19. Relax, you'll find someone... ;)
Ditto what Jamie said. Just keep waiting. And honestly, she or he, whoever you're meant to be with, will fall into your lap when you're not looking. Landon and I never expected to start a relationship when we met. It just happened. It's always a plus to start out as friends. Develop from there and you can start getting a feel for the person... When you're comfortable enough with whoever you're with, tell them you're FTM. Obviously, lay off the sexual stuff for a while, get to know the person first. That's the best way to do any relationship, really. If they can't respect you enough to want to wait for sex anyway, then it's not worth it.
Also, at 19, there's not going to be a whole lot of people who're mature enough to deal with the stress that a transition entails, that supporting a partner through that is going to entail, in a male or female partner. It's rare to find someone our age (I'm only 20) ready to support someone through that.
Also, there's nothing wrong with not having sex. Trust me, I wish I'd waited. And you're really not missing out on much, despite what society and the American culture claims.
Thanks to both of you. I'm just... really tired of being the "nice guy" who always finishes last...
you're adorable, man. don't worry. :)
I was in my 20s before I had sex or kissed anyone and while I was glad to get it over and done with...honestly, it's not all it's cracked up to be. The best thing to do is just get out and meet people. I find that the more desperate I get, the further it goes away. Plus, you're still young (I'm sure you get tired of hearing that). People always say that it happens when you least expect it, so just stay positive and go with the flow. :)
I don't have numbers on pansexual women, but my girl ended up being that way. Women are more likely to be more fluid in their sexuality, but I'm also very wary of lesbians because it seems that it probably wouldn't work out so well.
Women don't seem to care as much about the penis as we think, and if they do, then obviously they're not compatible for our needs in the first place and the relationship would crumble from something else even if we had one. Now, I'm still virgin as well, but from what I've heard from others and researched, it takes a lot more than a penis to get a woman off. Even straight women. A lot of women like foreplay and it's also a big part of sex, especially for women.
I told my gf that I was bio male, our relationship was online, and then I felt I needed to fess up. I was expecting her to dump me when I came out as trans, but she didn't. At first she didn't get it, she had known herself to be straight and she questioned whether or not she was a lesbian. But she saw me as fully male, even with breasts and a vagina. She did decide that later on, she identified as pansexual, not because I'm transsexual but because she realized she didn't love people because of their parts but because of their mind and personality and so on. I could not transition at all and she would be fine with it and see me as completely male. Even when we do visit each other, I'm still 100% male to her regardless of what is on my chest or in my pants.
I know it's difficult to think that someone will be that way toward you when you haven't had a relationship yet. But the thing is, a lot of FTMs make their lack of penis issue bigger in their head than what their partners perceive. Some FTMs have lost their straight gfs because they couldn't see that their gfs didn't care as much about the lack of penis and in turn because of their lack of confidence in that area the gfs leave because they can't take the attitude. So one thing that we have to remember, is that the dysphoria is mostly chained to ourselves. We care more about it because we experience it, while our loved ones might not care at all.
And a relationship without sex isn't a friendship, I don't think at least. How big of a part of a relationship sex is in a relationship is between you and your partner. I mean, if you had sex with a best friend because you were friends with benefits, does that put you in a romantic relationship? I'm not sure it does. I think there's something deeper beyond a relationship than just sex.
It's alright to be 19 and a virgin. I'm 20, I had my first kiss at 18 and I'm waiting for the right time for sex. I feel that I should be ready and not rush into it because I've heard of it ruining relationships. I want to feel like it's right for me, not because of my age.
And nice guys don't finish last. Guys with a lack of self esteem do, so right now I'd just build up your self confidence and self esteem. Work on you now so you'll be prepared for a relationship, because I tell you, confidence, trust, self esteem works wonders in a relationship. Every time I've been dumped or been in danger of it, it was because of my lack of self esteem and confidence. So keep at it, man, I know you can make it through.
I've been thinking about making a video on this subject myself.
I'm working on my self esteem, but I need to date someone to feel that I can be with someone. It's a catch 22.
Quote from: Elwood on March 22, 2009, 07:06:28 PM
Thanks to both of you. I'm just... really tired of being the "nice guy" who always finishes last...
Dude it isn't a race. ;) Just keep your eyes and mind open. When that someone special comes along don't let your head get in the way.
Quote from: Osiris on March 22, 2009, 07:56:01 PM
Dude it isn't a race. ;) Just keep your eyes and mind open. When that someone special comes along don't let your head get in the way.
I'm trying not to. But everything has always been about my head. :'(
You'll find someone eventually. And when you do, I sure hope, for their sake, that you want to date them because you want to date them, not just to boost your self esteem. Just hang in there and remember that although a relationship is amazing, it's totally possible to be happy without one. And accepting people do exist, like others have said in this topic, I am also dating one. You just have to wait to meet them.
Quote from: Asher on March 22, 2009, 08:16:38 PM
You'll find someone eventually. And when you do, I sure hope, for their sake, that you want to date them because you want to date them, not just to boost your self esteem. Just hang in there and remember that although a relationship is amazing, it's totally possible to be happy without one. And accepting people do exist, like others have said in this topic, I am also dating one. You just have to wait to meet them.
Trust me, if it was JUST about a self-esteem boost, I'd date anybody. But I'm very particular about who I want to date.
I know it's hard not to worry but when you do that you tend to over think things and perhaps create issues that aren't actually there. Like Monty said there are a lot of people who will see past the things that make us most insecure. People can surprise you, all you gotta do is give them a chance.
Asher said that being in a relationship is amazing, I guess it can be. However my experience lies in being in a relationship with someone I'm completely incompatible with, and let me tell you, I'm much happier on my own.
Trust me, you don't want to get into a relationship for the sake of being in one. Keep your eyes open for someone you really like and see what happens.
Quote from: Elwood on March 22, 2009, 07:47:01 PM
I'm working on my self esteem, but I need to date someone to feel that I can be with someone. It's a catch 22.
Everyone who has ever had your problem, cisgender, transgender, male, female, gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, etc... usually has had bad self esteem problems. And it's hard when you feel you need to be with someone to feel wanted but the thing is, if they don't start feeling good about themselves now and believe that they are desirable and wanted then it'll be even harder to find someone to get to that point of feeling those emotions.
Part of the reason why we see the 'bad boys' get the girl is because, yes, while a lot of them are jerks they also have confidence. That's obviously what wins the girl over, not necessarily his bad attitude and how he treats her. But you don't have to be a jerk or be the bad boy to have confidence and self esteem in yourself. As they say, you can't expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself. And yes, some of us want to protect or take care of others and whatnot, but could you imagine if someone's self esteem was so bad that you had to lift them back up almost every day? That no matter what you did, they still felt bad about themselves? It's not a very fun relationship and I've been on both ends. And it's not just straight relationships, it's a human thing.
This is why I say you should work on you first. Because you're going through your second puberty and have all these desires (that doesn't mean you should act on them, though) it will probably seem intimidating and difficult to put your desires of having a relationship away. Especially since you've had no relationships prior and have that added loneliness. The thing is, while you obviously like things about yourself and feel you have good qualities, you're still focused on what you don't have. You don't have a relationship yet and you're putting all your thought and energy into that instead of putting all your thought and energy into what you like about yourself. Sometimes we need to let go of something and realize that it will come later on. Enjoy what you have now and just live life and I'm positive that an opportunity will show up or maybe he or she will find you.
Thanks... I guess one of my problems is that it's hard to find people I like.
And it's very hard to work on myself. I feel different. I feel like I'm being mistreated by society. Why is it that I'm 19 years old and nothing has happened? What's wrong with me?
No one said it would be easy, most good things in life aren't... at least at first.
There's nothing wrong you, or I don't think there is. I think a lot us feeling different by default here because we are transgender. Heck, even without my transgender tag and identity issues, I still consider myself to have opinions and thoughts that's outside the norm. The thing is, it's hard to find people who aren't mistreated by society in one way or another. For example, most people have had terrible or bad childhoods, the only differences are the details. Most families have their skeletons in the closet, the drama and so on. We're not completely alone in this.
And there are many people that feel the way you are now. I was there at one point. And a lot of adolescents go through this as well. They feel they need a relationship or they wonder why nothing has happened to them yet. This doesn't make your needs any less because there are many, but there are those who ask the same question. There are many people in this world, Dan, more than enough to find one who is perfect for you and will meet your needs.
Another thing is, sometimes you have to seize the opportunity that comes to you. If you find it hard to find people you like, well, you're probably just going to have to wait until that opportunity arrives. But if they're not making the move first and you feel you've got a shot, you're going to have to go out and grab it for yourself.
All these things are easier said than done, but eventually they don't become so hard to do.
Quote from: Elwood on March 22, 2009, 08:23:09 PM
Trust me, if it was JUST about a self-esteem boost, I'd date anybody. But I'm very particular about who I want to date.
Well, what would you do if you fell in love with a biomale? Maybe you are severely limiting your choices...
@ Monty: Good point. But it seems so much easier for everyone else.
Quote from: Nero on March 22, 2009, 09:10:37 PM
Well, what would you do if you fell in love with a biomale? Maybe you are severely limiting your choices...
Sex would be an issue, and things probably wouldn't work out. I'd probably end up heart broken.
Maybe being with a biomale will actually help your dysphoria.
Quote from: Nero on March 22, 2009, 09:33:25 PM
Maybe being with a biomale will actually help your dysphoria.
How? His penis would constantly remind me of what I lack.
Maybe once you get to know one intimately, it won't seem like the big deal it is now.
once you see it as a sexual object - a toy for your own pleasure, it loses all mystery and pretense. it's not about the penis but what you can do with it, what it can do for you.
Quote from: Elwood on March 22, 2009, 09:23:03 PM
@ Monty: Good point. But it seems so much easier for everyone else.
And it probably always will. The major difference is that we aren't those people so we can't know 100% how they feel or what they're going through exactly. Everything will always seem much more amplified when we feel it directly, which is why when someone warns us not to do something, in some scenarios we have to learn the lesson the hard way to actually understand the true effect of things.
I do hope you get things sorted out for yourself. It's no fun feeling like you're stuck in the dark.
Intimacy isn't just about what "parts" people have. There's a lot more to it than that, at least if it's between you and someone you love. Just tossing that out there. When you're in a relationship, "sex" isn't just sex. It's intimacy, which is a totally different level than "sex".
Like I said in my first post, it's definitely going to be a good idea to lay off the sex for a while until you're sure you're comfortable in every way with each other.
Quote from: Monty on March 22, 2009, 10:25:23 PM
And it probably always will. The major difference is that we aren't those people so we can't know 100% how they feel or what they're going through exactly. Everything will always seem much more amplified when we feel it directly, which is why when someone warns us not to do something, in some scenarios we have to learn the lesson the hard way to actually understand the true effect of things.
That's a huge part of all this. It's all in how you look at things. You have to know that you can be with someone in order to be with someone, not the other way around. I know it's hard to get in line with all of this. But if you're unsure about your ability to be with someone, other people will pick up on that. A positive outlook makes a world of difference. You said that you feel like the world is mistreating you, right? I've been there, believe me. But finally, I realized that point of view wasn't working out very well. So I worked on me instead of waiting for the world to change for me. Think of it in terms of who's in control. Are you going to let the world control you? Or are you going to control your own world? It takes practice, but it works.
Quote from: Elwood on March 22, 2009, 06:08:26 PM
I used to think relationships could happen without sex, but people say that the only difference between a friendship and a relationship is sex.
Untrue. :) There's a world of difference. Otherwise, where on earth would friends-with-benefits fit in?
Anyone who says it's not a relationship without sex is sadly mistaken.
Quote from: Jaimey on March 23, 2009, 01:22:32 AM
That's a huge part of all this. It's all in how you look at things. You have to know that you can be with someone in order to be with someone, not the other way around. I know it's hard to get in line with all of this. But if you're unsure about your ability to be with someone, other people will pick up on that. A positive outlook makes a world of difference. You said that you feel like the world is mistreating you, right? I've been there, believe me. But finally, I realized that point of view wasn't working out very well. So I worked on me instead of waiting for the world to change for me. Think of it in terms of who's in control. Are you going to let the world control you? Or are you going to control your own world? It takes practice, but it works.
This is exactly what I mean. Thank you for wording it right, Jaimey.
I was just taking my cue from you (and your awesome video), Monty! :D
lol weeeell I'm a pansexual transguy soooo hell I'm not so unique I bet theres tons of gay,bi,or pansexual transguys that are super awesome and would looofs you just go get 'em tiger! :D hmmm make a shirt! that always attracts people xD honestly though I know how you feel I don't think I'd ever be able to date a biological man because as i have been so lovingly told...i will never be completely male meh :(