Must be a million of them. Let's hear your favorite......
A guy walks into a bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender sets all four of them in front of the patron. The man consumes all four drinks without stopping.
The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem."
"If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too."
Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?"
"Only $3."
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What did one pirate say to the other when they found the liqour store was closed?
Bar-r-r-r matey!
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25."
A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts."
The gorilla replies "At these prices, you won't get many more, either!"
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."
So, a neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
this isn't a bar joke, but it made me laugh. I'm sure you could tell it at a bar anyways. ^.~
A boy and his father were playing ball in the front yard when the boy saw a honeybee. He ran over and stomped it.
"Don't do that, that was a honeybee," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you. For killing him you will do without honey for a week."
Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped on it.
"That was a butterfly," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you, and for killing him you will do without butter for a week."
The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy eating his toast plain with no honey or butter.
Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped on it.
The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"
Well as someone who hangs out in real bars....
This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to set up 12 shots of tequila. The barkeep does so, and the guy goes down the line, shooting them down. So, the bartender asks, "So pal, what's the occasion?"
The guy goes, "My first ->-bleeped-<-."
The bartender says, "In that case, let me buy you one on the house."
And the guys says, "Nah, if 12 of them won't get rid of the taste, one more won't help."
I'm sure this will disappear fast, but, hey, it is funny.
Man walks into a bar. There is a donkey with a sign around it's neck that says " Make me laugh and win a round for the house". The man asks the bartender if that is true. Bartender says Yes". So the man walks up to the donkey and whispers in it's ear. The donkey begins to laugh uncontrollably. So the house paid of a round.
Two weeks later, same man and same donkey. This time the sign says "Make me cry and win a round for the house". The man asks the bartender if that is true. Bartender says
"Yes". So the man walks up to the donkey and whispers in it's ear. The donkey nods his head. Then the man drops his pants. The donkey begins to cry uncontrollably. So the house paid of a round.
The bartender asks how the man did it twice in a row. The man says "Last time I told the donkey I was big than he was, so he laughed." "And this week I asked him if he remembered". "When he nodded 'Yes'. I proved it to him."
Sorry mine are all nasty. This is the cleanest. :icon_redface:
Janet
Oh yeah, a clean joke in a bar, about bars, yeah, that gets you lots of free drinks.
A man walks into a bar and says "Ouch!"
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One of them was a salted.
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My little sister told me this one...
There is two oranges sitting in a bar one turns around to the other and says "your round"
Jay
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
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There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
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John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!" pr0perty0fgl0wp0rt
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
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Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender nods at him and asks "the usual sir?".
Descartes says "I think not." and proceeds to disappear in a puff of logic.
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous, Of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - If you still believe after wards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "And could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that Nun again, is it?" says the barman.
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Three notes walk into a bar...
A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender
says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors." So the E-flat
leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between
them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and
the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but
is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads
straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll
just be a second."
Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not
convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end
of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now. You're the
seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar
the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined
shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice
corporate job until his company downsized)
says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This
could be a major development."
This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off
the
suit, and everything else, and stands there au
natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror
that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is
found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a
minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda
at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal,
however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing,
even accidental, and that all accusations to the
contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only
had tenors as patrons, and the soprano is out in the
bathroom, everything has become altoo much treble; he
needs a rest, and closes the bar.
That was hilarious, Z!
A Panda walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal finally arrives, he eats it quickly, then shoots a drunk, and leaves the bar.
A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, "What was that all about?"
The bartender replies, "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary, pal."
And so, the patron retrieves his Webster's dictionary from his coat pocket and looks up the word 'panda.'
"What's it say?" asks the bartender.
The patron replies with a grin, "Eats shoots and leaves."
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A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. Seeing them, the bartender says;
"Is this a joke?"
A man walks into a bar and sees a man with a tiny head about the size of an orange.
He asks the bartender what had happened to the man.
The bartender says, "Well, he was on a beach and saw a beautiful mermaid."
"The mermaid swam up to him and offered him a single wish."
Tragically, the man replied "How about a little head?"
A sad looking man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
"What's wrong?" asks the bartender.
"I just found out my brother is homosexual."
"Oh, that's too bad."
The next day, the same man walks into the bar and orders a drink.
"What's wrong?" asks the bartender.
"I just found out my father is homosexual."
The next day, the same man come yet again and orders a drink.
"What is it this time?" asks the bartender.
"I just found out my son is homosexual." the man replies.
"Jesus, doesn't anybody in you family like women?
"Yeah. My wife."
A man walks into a bar and sits at the bar. The bartender comes over and the man orders a shot. The bartender pours his drink. As the man reaches for the shot. an imp appears on his shoulder, runs down, and drinks the shot. The imp then returns to the man's shoulder and disappears.
'Damn', the man says and orders another. The bartender pours another and again as the man reaches for the drink, the imp appears and drinks the drink. As the imp disappears, the bartender asks" What in the hell is that all about?'
"Well about a week ago I found a bottle on the beach. And when I opened it a genie appeared" answers the man.
'" You get one wish", said the genie", explains the man.
"I asked for the biggest prick in the world. And I got him"
Janet
A skinny little white guy goes into a bar. After a few drinks he looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him; looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown. The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Whew! I thought you said, 'Turn around!' "
There were three pigs.
The first pig went to a bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.
The second pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.
The third pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and was just going to leave and the bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom and the third little pig said "No I'm the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home."
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Two weasels are sitting in a bar.
The older weasel turns to the younger one and says, "I f***ed your mother!"
Dead quiet. The younger weasel rolls his eyes and goes back to his drink.
The first weasel, not to be deterred, shouts, "I F***ED YOUR MOTHER!"
Sighing, the younger weasel turns to the older one and says, "Dad, go home. You're drunk."
OK, if it's animal bar jokes..........
A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper replies, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25."
A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts."
The gorilla replies "At these prices, you won't get many more, either!
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Then there was the alcoholic magician who could walk down the street and turn into a bar...
A guy goes into a nice bar wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
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Post Merge: April 11, 2009, 07:49:13 PM
So, a neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
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Two condoms walk by a gay bar. One looks at the other one and says, "Hey, ya wanna go in and get $hitfaced?"
A drunken man leaves the bar and gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.
The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
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Ever evening in London an Irish man walks in a pub and orders 2 pints and 2 shorts then proceed to drink from each in turn.
After a while, one evening the barman intriged asks him "Why don't you order each round separatly?".
"Well" says the man," my brother and I are very close. Back home every evening after work we would go for a drink together. But I had to emigrate here and he is staying in Dublin. So now every night in our locals he order his round for both of us and drink it while I do the same here. This way in a sense we are still together".
"I see" says the barman touched by this expression of brotherly love.
A few weeks later the Irishman orders only 1 pint and 1 short.
Sincerely worried the barman ask your man "And how are things with the brother?".
Licking the froth from his upper lip he replied: "Argh Mick is grand OK. It's me, you see, I went to the doctor today and he told me that I had to give up the drink".
LLL&R
Maebh
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $5.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes" she purrs "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your #&%^&$#!! hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
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The little girl goes up to her mommy looking perplexed. Mommy says "What's wrong honey?" and the little girl says "I know that when daddy puts his thing in your thing that that's where babies come from." Mommy says, "Yes dear, that's right darling, what's bothering you?" The little girl says, "Well last night I went past your room and you had daddies thing in your mouth, do babies come from that too?" And the mommy says "Oh dear, that's not were babies come from, that's where jewelry comes from."
A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing-eye dog. When the blind man reaches the center of the bar, he snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around.
The bartender speaks up and says "Hey what the hell are you doing?"
The blind man says, "Just taking a look around.."
=======================================
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."
The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."
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