I am wondering if anyone else still feels the presence of your old gender.
Let me explain. I still feel 'his' presence at times. Nothing too overbearing. Just as if 'he' is watching over me, like a guardian angel. 'He' has no control of my life now, but 'he' is still watching over me. I can feel 'him' as if 'he' is there, but not part of me.
When I am down, 'he' is there to comfort me. When I am worried, 'he' is there to confide in.
"He" isn't me, but still I can feel 'his' presence at times.
Anyone ever have this feeling? And I must say that this isn't a bad thing. After all, 'he' did protect me and cover for me for the last 54 years.
Janet
I'm still trying to find 'her' so to speak, but something about what you're saying resonates.I don't think who I've been for 26 years will disappear, but more fade into the background, maybe popping back in occasionally (invited or not :P).
Hi Janet
I haven't completed transition as yet but yes. Now I have completely accepted myself as female the male bit is more accepting. When I wake from nightmares (does everyone have them?) I often call on him to help.
If this is too strange well... To a great extent he lives in my bolster in my bed. At times I need a hug, the spirit in the bolster knows me and loves me. HAs accepted that I cannot tolerate his biological features but has protected me for my life. He gives great hugs.
Love
Cindy James
He's there or here almost always. Genevieve is the new and improved version. The warranty may be better with the new version. Not as many unhealthy habits.
Personally I don't believe there is an old or new self. They are for me one and the same, moulded by the experiences of life and a mosaic of male, female and whatever. :)
I can't think of a time when I thought of myself as a man. I don't remember when I figured out I was transgendered, but I remember wanting to get SRS as early as about age 13.
Quote from: imaz on March 29, 2009, 04:43:37 AM
Personally I don't believe there is an old or new self. They are for me one and the same, moulded by the experiences of life and a mosaic of male, female and whatever. :)
Mosaic is a great way to describe it.There was a collection of personality traits that I had pieced together to face the world that were predominantly male because I was forced into that role at a very early age, even though it was never who I "really" was inside. Now I have replaced a lot of those traits, ideas, beliefs, etc. with some more gender-appropriate for me, which I find suit me much better and overall make me a more stable and happy individual. Even my "male" persona had many feminine qualities which I liked and which I have kept.
So I like to think of it as I am replacing defective parts with better parts, ones that are more in tune with my inner self or soul. I now feel much more integrated and actually not split into different selves, as I did before I made the decision to transition.
My old friends used to ask me whether my mind experienced a dramatic change after seeing me first time in more than 15 years. Some of them even mentioned psychological trauma. This kind of question rises because they guess something happened in my inner side for me to suddenly change my outer appearance. I used to reply that no so much change occurred, but I just began express my true self more frankly. I have always desired to wear women's dress and sometimes behave femininely without getting teasing. Social taboos prevented it, and I just wanted to be free from those taboos.
I think my soul does not have a gender. I tend to be as much as aggressive as most men, but sometimes shy and passive. I believe my exterior gender is determined by how people perceive me, but my soul is the same despite changes in my outward appearance.
Barbie~~
It's interesting that this was linked to my therapy "homework", which was discussed at my session last week. ;)
The conclusion in my case was that I could not easily separate the the male and female sides of my personality, however I still have very binary Gender needs, which means that androgen does not seem to be an option for me. Like others here, my strong female feelings/traits, have been masked by my need to learn to survive in a masculine role/body....so no surprises there! :-\
So like you Janet, at my age, I doubt I would ever totally loose 'him', or 'her', no matter what path I take... ::)
...Fun times Eh? :-\
:icon_hug:
Chrissty
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be.
I truly don't remember what it was like being a boy/man. When I was a kid growing up to be what the world perceived to be a man I didn't feel like what I was supposed to be inside. I felt more like androgenous, nil, except for those occasions when i let myself play the role of being a girl either by dressing in privacy and play acting the part or in my imagination.
In my early part of my transition I did kind of feel like there was two of me but this time the roles were reversed. Now I am just me, this is who I am, and this is who I live as and have integrated into society as.
Now I am me and there is only just me to depend on, and Great Spirit.
Cindy
Quote from: imaz on March 29, 2009, 04:43:37 AM
Personally I don't believe there is an old or new self. They are for me one and the same, moulded by the experiences of life and a mosaic of male, female and whatever. :)
QFT. This is exactly how I feel.
Janet, good question.
I realize all these personalities are me. I have struggled to break away from male but have been unsuccessful. In fact I have three personalities. One is a serious male, one is a playful girl and one is an alpha male.
Maybe one day the playful girl will take over but all of these personalities have made up my life. If I had a magic wand I would not trade my life to go back in time and be a girl and give up my family. However if I had a magic wand I would drift forward in time and change to be a pretty and happy girl that everyone would accept. The wand does not exist and the magic pill does not exist and to move forward seems very difficult.
How would I change the man mannerisms, or gestures, or language? It would take years after I transitioned to "fit" and yet all personalities would still be there.
For me it is who will be dominant. The female is tired of hiding. The male no longer wishes to cover the female. And not even I like alpha. In the end I will still be me.
K
Hi,
I'm in a very bad turmoil tonight. Reading your post in this thread is a great comfort.
Cindy, I can relate with your past feeling so much. I feel like two distinct persons inside me. I call myself 'twospirits' at the present but I hope to become Onespirit in future.
i am also pretty resistant to an idea of a dichotomy between former and current selves. there is too much in your life that you've been through pre-transition to dispense with it as an "other," inferior self. regardless of how difficult or messed up it was, it was what you had to go through to get to where you are now.
I've always been the same person inside, regardless of outer expression. I keep gaining new and wondrous experiences...
Z