Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello everyone
I have the same personal story of the trans people here, I'm feel to be in the wrong body from the childhood etc..(I've a female body but my inner self is masculine).
In my late teens a therapist diagnosized me a GID but she think I wanted to be a male for I wasn't 'woman enough'. So under her influence I chose to ignore the problem. Indeed I've tried to live content as a woman for ten years and I push to build a new personality in armony with my biological body. Now in my first thirties I realize that I've failed. I'm at the present in a lousy situation. But a thing now I know for sure: a human being can't make a 'new self' after the childhood. The personality develops in the very early years of the life and if one for nature or nurture develop a gender identity in opposition to the biological body is no-one God that can change this situation.
Thoughts?
(Sorry for the bad English, maybe sorryforthebadEnglish can to be my middle name.)

I am English and middle class.


Never under-estimate my ability to deny that things are, are not, or are and are not and are made of linoleum all at once, as and when is prudent.

Quote from: Blueflare on March 31, 2009, 07:16:19 PM
I am English and middle class.


Never under-estimate my ability to deny that things are, are not, or are and are not and are made of linoleum all at once, as and when is prudent.

Dude.  You leave me speechless.

Hi twospirits, I totally agree that ignoring GID is not the answer.  However, acknowledging that I have GID doesn't mean I have to transition.  I'm still trying to figure out whether I can cope in other ways for the rest of my life, and if so, whether I'm okay with doing that.  I don't think transitioning is wrong, I just don't know if it's the right step for me.

Joseph

Hi TwoSpirits and welcome :)

Fully agree with what you said about the inability to create a new self for oneself. For better or worse these things cannot be ignored or simply repressed, all that happens is the creation of a false self and that comes with great risks.

Sei italiano? :)

Quote from: Joseph on March 31, 2009, 07:31:43 PM
Dude.  You leave me speechless.

Hi twospirits, I totally agree that ignoring GID is not the answer.  However, acknowledging that I have GID doesn't mean I have to transition.  I'm still trying to figure out whether I can cope in other ways for the rest of my life, and if so, whether I'm okay with doing that.  I don't think transitioning is wrong, I just don't know if it's the right step for me.

Joseph

Joseph, I am right where you are personally.

To the OP, I cannot agree more.  Suppression of your GID symptoms and feelings only provoke them to come on stronger and more destructively.  How you choose not to ignore them though, is the trick.  Some transition, some take different steps to deal with it.

The only way one can truly be free of the pain and misery of GID is to embrace it and transition.  Like you TwoSpirits, I was pushed to be the male I was born as.  But she would not go quietly into the night.  For years, she kicked, scratched and bite at the male.  Till I tried to end the fight, by ending my life.  That was when I realized that the male was the one that was false.  And that was the day the fight ended.  She came out out of the night and became a real person.  I am much happier now, as the woman I was meant to be.

My therapist has been great in that respect, as he told me that I was finally coming into my own.  He never pushed me one way or the other.  But instead he just let me tell him that I was to transition.  He has just been a sounding board for my own thoughts and dreams.  He gives me the room to make the choices that I need to make and then gives me the support that I need to be sure as to my choices.

And your English is just as good as my own, and I am American.  And sometimes I don't make much sense.  :D

Janet

Quote from: Blueflare on March 31, 2009, 07:16:19 PM
I am English and middle class.


Never under-estimate my ability to deny that things are, are not, or are and are not and are made of linoleum all at once, as and when is prudent.

I so get this. Also English middle class upbringing. It's amazing the denial you can achieve with those virtues.

Dennis

Quote from: Dennis on April 01, 2009, 01:09:21 AM
I so get this. Also English middle class upbringing. It's amazing the denial you can achieve with those virtues.

Dennis

The stiff upper lip in the face of adversity is a wonderful British trait.

I did it for many years

Rebecca

Quote from: twospirits on March 31, 2009, 05:42:21 PM
Hello everyone
I have the same personal story of the trans people here, I'm feel to be in the wrong body from the childhood etc..(I've a female body but my inner self is masculine).
In my late teens a therapist diagnosized me a GID but she think I wanted to be a male for I wasn't 'woman enough'. So under her influence I chose to ignore the problem. Indeed I've tried to live content as a woman for ten years and I push to build a new personality in armony with my biological body. Now in my first thirties I realize that I've failed. I'm at the present in a lousy situation. But a thing now I know for sure: a human being can't make a 'new self' after the childhood. The personality develops in the very early years of the life and if one for nature or nurture develop a gender identity in opposition to the biological body is no-one God that can change this situation.
Thoughts?
(Sorry for the bad English, maybe sorryforthebadEnglish can to be my middle name.)

i know how you feel i try to conform myself and be a guy but i suck at it and eveyone always says i act like such a girl. idk i wish i could be a normal guy like my family wants but it has not worked yet. i guess you just have to go with the transsexual flow or start cutting and burning yourself like i did.

Hi,
Great posts from everyone. I reckon I've actually written that 'Don't ignore your GID' as a warning direct to myself. I'm passing from a state of denial at another all the time. I need some therapy/psychological support but I'm too scared to not being believed; seem to me there are a lot of incompetent around :(

Quote from: imaz on March 31, 2009, 07:39:16 PM
Hi TwoSpirits and welcome :)

Fully agree with what you said about the inability to create a new self for oneself. For better or worse these things cannot be ignored or simply repressed, all that happens is the creation of a false self and that comes with great risks.

Sei italiano? :)

Ciao Imaz
Si sono italiano! Sei una strega?

I don't so much ignore it as I instead typically just downplay it. A problem I have is that I'm so apathetic most of the time that unless I am currently feeling an emotion that is extremely strong, I do not have the will to act on it. My moods can shift very quickly erasing any kind of desire to act on something I'm not currently feeling.

Sometimes this is a good thing, sometimes it is bad. Most of the time if I get angry, my anger is long gone before I figure out something to do with it. There are times when my wanting to change is very powerful. It hurts, a lot. But it eventually subsides and returns amongst the rest of the background noise inside of my head. If I think about acting on it, the strongest feelings have already passed. It doesn't feel so bad anymore and I just tell myself that I'm being silly and I should focus on other problems.

Quote from: twospirits on April 01, 2009, 02:31:04 PM
Ciao Imaz
Si sono italiano! Sei una strega?

Hehe! Just recognised how you wrote in English. Spent half my life in Italy for better or worse!

Purtroppo non parlo più quasi mai l'Italiano fuorchè con mio figlio.

Benvenuto, spero sinceramente che troverai quello che cerchi :)

Abbia cura di te.

Quote from: twospirits on April 01, 2009, 02:28:10 PM
Hi,
Great posts from everyone. I reckon I've actually written that 'Don't ignore your GID' as a warning direct to myself. I'm passing from a state of denial at another all the time. I need some therapy/psychological support but I'm too scared to not being believed; seem to me there are a lot of incompetent around :(

Hey twospirits,

I, too, still want my GID to magically disappear. I am still very much afraid of what GID will mean for me and the people around me.
I have put myself on a waiting list for therapy and hormones, but the waiting is long and the GID comes and goes with waves. Right now I am a a part of a wave where the feelings are strong and troublesome.

It's a tough going.


Vincent

yeah alot of us feel the same way about GID. If only you could make it go away

While I don't think you should ignore it, people need to realize you cannot rush into anything.

You cannot really do much about it until you are ready to deal with it and all it entails. Pushing people to dealing with it early may be just as bad as waiting too long.

Quote from: VioletNight on April 01, 2009, 06:07:15 PM
I don't so much ignore it as I instead typically just downplay it. A problem I have is that I'm so apathetic most of the time that unless I am currently feeling an emotion that is extremely strong, I do not have the will to act on it. My moods can shift very quickly erasing any kind of desire to act on something I'm not currently feeling.

Sometimes this is a good thing, sometimes it is bad. Most of the time if I get angry, my anger is long gone before I figure out something to do with it. There are times when my wanting to change is very powerful. It hurts, a lot. But it eventually subsides and returns amongst the rest of the background noise inside of my head. If I think about acting on it, the strongest feelings have already passed. It doesn't feel so bad anymore and I just tell myself that I'm being silly and I should focus on other problems.

VioletNight, I'm exactly like you :( 

I keep hearing about ignoring GID like it's some kind of pesky fly buzzing around. Mine continued to increase in intensity as I got older. To me it seems that this real problem is still falling on a lot deaf ears. Those who don't learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.  I have two stories which I am not proud of but I will tell the second one here in hopes it will open a few ears.
   
I denied my GID for many years. Being the man the world (and my father) expected me to be until one evening a while ago, I just couldn't stop myself anymore. I was angry and venomous in my contempt of living this lie, this hell on earth. The quality of life had never appeared and it was never is going to. I was hopelessly trapped in a body and life that wasn't mine. I couldn't transition and couldn't live with the noise in my head anymore. I was going insane and I couldn't let that come out either. I couldn't go forward, I couldn't go backwards, and I couldn't stay the way I was. I finally made up my mind, I wanted out. 

It had to end and it had to end now. Now, not one more minute, not one second longer. NOW!!!! Into the kitchen I went and picked up the knife, closed my eyes and hacked down across my wrist twice as fast as I could. I looked down and saw my wrist; my mind was exploding with thoughts.  I remember feeling like I was everywhere at once. I can't explain it any other way.  When I woke up I couldn't move and I wasn't home. Everything was blurry, my head was heavy, and I couldn't move. The nurse said it was so I didn't hurt my stitches while I was out but no one was removing them either.  Now I wasn't allowed to make any decisions at all and I didn't like that feeling either.

That was a while ago and I have the two scares on my left wrist to remind me of ignoring my GID did to me. I missed the main vain both times pretty badly. Both are off to the left side rather than in the middle. The largest is about 2-½ inches long. It runs at an angle, but more parallel to, rather than across it. The second is approximately 1-¼ inches long, it runs in the right direction but stops short of the main artery by a good inch. So much for not keeping my eyes open I would think later.   

Not everyone goes off the deep end like I did but look at the static's and you see I'm not alone either  Please don't play games and ignore your GID. "You can't hide from yourself. There's no where to hide"     

^Wow^ Jill.

I did the opposite in my life. Not only did I ignore it but I became super male. Joined the Army, collected guns and reloaded my own ammunition, hunted, rode motorcycles and went nuts.

I knew I was not well. The harder I tried the worse I got. In the end, the noise in my head made me too tired and after years of 4-5 hours sleep per night I finally wore myself down to where I had to say "enough".

I'll take the stuff and keep taking it until its eventual outcome. I have no other choice.

I gave into sleep. I was just too tired and too beaten down. Now I am growing tits and sleep like a rock. It is insanity defined.

Jilledwards,

I, too, wear the scar of an attempt to end the fighting.  Same wrist  The voice grew so loud I could only obey it.  It was a woman's voice telling me to call 911.  The voice was that of Janet.  She did not want to die.  And to save herself, she took total command of the body we shared.

And I have been in command ever since.  He is still here in a way, as my guardian angel of sorts.  But I am now alive and living free of the pain, misery and fighting.

To ignore GID is the same as ignoring Diabetes.  It will kill you.  Many have made attempts to ignore it and some have actually managed to keep live as their birth gender.  More power to them.  But at what cost.

JMHO,
Janet

It's amazing to me read the stories and see how much we have all gone through in our lives and are still here to talk about it. I believe we are truly an amazingly adaptable and creative group that is much stronger than they give us credit for. We push ourselves to the very limits trying to be like everyone else.  I wish we could switch lives with the powers that be (doctors, insurance companies, etc) for a few days and let them see how real our needs are. I don't think they would last very long.   

I used to pray for a terminal illness ...and I'm pretty much and athiest.

I would wish somebody would come up and blow my genitals away. Or I'd be in some freaky car wreck that would find my "manhood" skewered and squished on an I-Beam. Or end up in a hospital for something and accidentally get SRS performed.

Every time I see a shooting star I have but one wish. Just to be a woman. Nothing more, nothing less.

I've had the cold taste of steel in my mouth more than once. I've rehearsed shooting myself and learned  how best to do it.

I've dreamed up a death car where I would drink poison, chain myself to the drivers seat, set the cart on fire and drive it over a cliff into a deep lake of water. Upon impact the contraption I had rigged to the front would cause the swords in the back seat to impale me as the airbag rigged with daggers would shoot through the front of my already lifeless body. While the gas tank exploded no doubt. As the rest sank to the bottom any part of me not already dead would certainly drown.

In the end, I surmised putting on makeup and wearing a dress would be easier and probably more acceptable. Although I may have made history the other way.

I've fantasized about all kinds of things. In the end I can only hope I pass well enough to finish the rest of this life in peace.

I completely agree. Therapists that aren't experienced with dealing with transpeople, especially those that are used to working with children have a hard time deciding if it's a "phase" or not. I started believing my therapist over my own feelings and stopped the urge to transition. However..the feelings never went away. Now it's even harder to convince my family and friends because they think it's another "phase". It's so frustrating.

Quote from: Christian on May 13, 2009, 09:02:32 PM
I completely agree. Therapists that aren't experienced with dealing with transpeople, especially those that are used to working with children have a hard time deciding if it's a "phase" or not. I started believing my therapist over my own feelings and stopped the urge to transition. However..the feelings never went away. Now it's even harder to convince my family and friends because they think it's another "phase". It's so frustrating.

I have been there.  After I de-transitioned it was VERY hard for friends and family not to think of it all as a phase.  They often talked of it as if I had performed some massive college prank.  Some of them I have since been able to convince that my GID is just as real as it was when it led me to transition, but the majority, probably due to the discomfort of realizing it is real, I have not been able to convince.

Regardless of how you deal with it (transition, coping techniques w/o transition, etc), ignoring your GID is a surefire way to make it come back stronger, and the longer you ignore it, the worst it will become.

growing up i knew i was different but not real sure why. i always ended up with the girls, not as a boyfriend but as a girlfriend.

later, Dec. 2007, the voice i heard in my head began to shout. one night i was banging my head against the wall and shouting "shut up". eventually i went into the bathroom and picked a bottle of hydrocodone i had left over from surgery. these were 500mg and i had 13 of them. anyway i popped them all into my mouth and with tears running down my face i tried to swallow but coughed instead. all 13 pills landed in the toilet. i cussed for about an hour until i was exhausted and i sat in the middle of the floor. i sat there crying and then i had sense of peace come over me, and i heard a soft gentle voice tell i was going to be ok.

later, a few days i think, that voice told me to look up sex change on my computer. so i did and learned that there were others like me and that i suffered from GID. i then found a therapist who helped me figure out who i am. i started on HRT in Aug of 2008. two days after taking the spiro the war in my head went away and i could feel the wonderful feeling of peace. the estradiol and progesterone began to make their changes and i knew without a doubt i was going to be ok.

there is no way i could ever go back, that would be the same as death to me. please don't ignore or deny your GID. find help, find peace, find life

Even when I started feeling it quite recently, even when "she" showed up in my mind, I didn't try to push it away. The thought was comforting in a strange sort of way, and I suppose it still is. "She" disappeared soon after, as did "he," and now there's only... me.

To be honest, I'm kind of afraid of what would happen if I tried to deny it. It sounds like a great way for someone to drive themself to the brink of insanity. I'm glad I didn't go down that route; judging by the horror stories I'm reading here, it couldn't have ended well.

Interesting nic, To Many Toasters, "Hee, hee, hee," That tickled my funny bone, no offense meant. Sure would would be interested to know how that nic came about. ;D

I quite agree with you on the GID, seeing a professional and transitioning

Cindy

Nickname? You mean my username? It's a Hotel Mario reference. It's a game that's internet-famous for having really terrible cutscenes. It's my username on practically every site I join.

Jorgen,

I wasted time and money on several therapists in the beginning. They knew less than I did about my condition.  Then I read an article about a therapist that was working with cross dressers, transsexuals etc.  I went to her and things started to come into focus quickly.  I ultimately changed to a different therapist that was much closer and have been going to her for years now. She is an angel. I don't know how she puts up with me.  Worth every penny.   

Here, with a gender therapist, they know the condition is really self-diagnosed. They will verifiy it, help you find where you fit into the spectrum on things. and refer you for treatment. Much more helpful in my opinion.   

Hi To Many Toasters, I must say it's unique.  :)

Cindy