Backstory: I'm a member of my college's GLBT group, called Lambda. At least half of the members know I'm trans, and are used to it enough that they know what's acceptable to say and what isn't. A couple people in particular are perhaps the best I've ever met at understanding acceptable language, and making me feel completely male. Overall, it's a great group, and I wouldn't stop going for pretty much anything.
Today on campus, my friend and I ran into a gay guy who's still in high school, but came to the last meeting anyway. As my friend was talking to him, he started talking to me. He said something about "Brandon [who is a freshman like me, the club's public relations officer, and was never told directly by me about my being trans] told me there was gonna be someone at the meeting who looked like a guy but wasn't a guy." When I said something to the effect of, "Maybe I should mention something to him about, uh...NOT saying that," the guy was like, "Oh no, I mean..I don't care or anything. I guess he was just telling me because he thought I might hit on you or something."
I won't even rant about the ridiculous amount of things that are wrong with that statement, because I know you guys already understand.
TL;DR version: People are disclosing my trans status without my knowledge or consent, and for really stupid reasons.
The vice-president of the club has already decided that most of the club members don't understand trans issues, and has taken it upon himself to start weekly readings of GLBT-related research articles, the first one being on FTMs.
Sooo...I'm trying to decide what to do. Do I:
A) Assume that things might get a little better once the club members become educated about trans issues, and wait to see what happens
B) Ask one of the officers to make a general statement reiterating the existing club rule of not outing others, and mention that it should really cover outside of club meetings as well
C) Say something to Brandon
D) Make a facebook note about it and tag all the members of the group (they definitely check facebook a lot, so they would see it), or
E) Something else I haven't thought of yet
Thanks in advance! This really tore me up today, especially since it happened the same day I started the monthly curse. Great timing. Grr.
QuoteB) Ask one of the officers to make a general statement reiterating the existing club rule of not outing others, and mention that it should really cover outside of club meetings as well
Personally I would do this!
Hope everything gets sorted for you!
Jay
You might also consider (C) with the more accepting officer in attendance as well. Given your sense of being outted I wouldn't think it's a good idea just now to talk only with Brandon. A mediator there would prolly be best.
Nichole
B I think.
If you as an adult has a problem with another adult, then solve it face to face. Or don't bother at all.
The only problem I can think of with B is that it wouldn't help people understand WHY exactly it's wrong. They might stop, but only because "that's the rule," not because they actually realized why it would be a problem. Or worse, they might not even realize the rule could refer to outing of gender/gender identity, and not just sexual orientation.
Quote from: tekla on April 03, 2009, 09:10:48 AM
If you as an adult has a problem with another adult, then solve it face to face. Or don't bother at all.
If it had been an "I told A, A told B, and I heard it from B" situation, I would. The thing is that I'm not sure how many other people have been behaving the exact same way. I figured it might be a good idea to address the concern to the group as a whole, so I don't have to play detective and figure out who's been disclosing, and speak to each of them separately. I wouldn't even mind if the whole group knew I was trans (I'm into that whole educating thing, and don't mind being out in a supportive environment), but I want them to understand what is appropriate vs. inappropriate treatment of me, because I think a lot of them genuinely don't get it.
I would think that:
a) being in the club is, of itself, a form of outing.
b) I'm sure they don't think its outing to talk about it within the club.
Quote from: tekla on April 03, 2009, 09:46:00 AM
I would think that:
a) being in the club is, of itself, a form of outing.
b) I'm sure they don't think its outing to talk about it within the club.
I agree that being in the club is a form of outing, but I'm also gay. I would think people would be more likely to assume I'm just a gay guy than to assume I'm trans, especially since I'm the only trans member they've had in quite awhile, and the club is composed primarily of gay males.
As for b, that's a big reason I want everyone to hear whatever is said, and not just one or two people. I think there's a difference between being out regarding sexual orientation, versus being out regarding gender identity. Since they don't have experience with trans people, I would imagine that most of the club members think the situations are similar, which explains their behavior.
B.
If you find it's not working, D. Facebook is immensely helpful for things that need to be explained further than can be done in person.
The sad truth is people will and do talk about the trans members/ employees. It happens weather we know about it or not. While I no longer tell anyone I'm trans, I would say 50% figure it out anyway given enough time. Only a small percent become a problem and that is regaurdless of if they are gay or not. Some gay guys are pretty trans phobic.
I just roll with it and try to live well and not stoop to their lower. Just my 2 cents
Beni
For now, I'd go with B also (it's always good to remind people). Talking to him would probably be a good idea, just make sure you don't do it while you're angry. You want to make sure that he understands why he shouldn't have said it. Or if you don't want to talk to him, have another officer or your sponsor (I'm assuming your group has one...) talk to him.
Don't do the facebook thing. Nothing good happens from dealing with things online.
I guess my question is this... if you're a dual member in this club (gay/trans), and you're ok with them knowing your gay, but not trans... then why did you even open your mouth and say anything in the first place?
I think the issue here is being outed by someone else to a person who is not in the group. If gr wants someone to know, then he is the one who should tell them. Not someone else.
Quote from: Jaimey on April 09, 2009, 07:06:41 PM
I think the issue here is being outed by someone else to a person who is not in the group. If gr wants someone to know, then he is the one who should tell them. Not someone else.
I'm aware of the issue, but i'm also aware of reality. You can make as many group agreements as you'd like, but they're adhered to when your group members have basic respect for humankind. Considering the state of our planet, it's pretty safe to say that such ethics are in short supply. There are very few people who will keep your identity as private as you would like it to be, especially when we're discussing 18/19 year olds.
It doesn't change the fact that they guy shouldn't have said anything and that's the point and it needs to be addressed. I agree that there are only so many things you can do, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try.
The issue isn't people knowing. It's people playing a game of telephone about it, and ending up with a really skewed idea of what it means to be trans. I'm perfectly okay with them knowing, I just want them to also understand what is respectful language and what isn't.
Some awesome news re: the situation, though...we had a student-run panel on gender and trans identity on Tuesday, and I spoke. It really seemed to clarify a lot for people. The president, who has called me "she" before, actually told me that some of the things I said caused him to seriously rethink the way he views gender. He then proceeded to stick up for me when someone else said something ignorant. Brandon was at the panel too, and keeps talking about how we should have panels like that more often. So...I think it really is an issue of ignorance, and not hostility.
Quote from: gravitysrainbow on April 09, 2009, 07:58:16 PM
Some awesome news re: the situation, though...we had a student-run panel on gender and trans identity on Tuesday, and I spoke. It really seemed to clarify a lot for people. The president, who has called me "she" before, actually told me that some of the things I said caused him to seriously rethink the way he views gender. He then proceeded to stick up for me when someone else said something ignorant. Brandon was at the panel too, and keeps talking about how we should have panels like that more often.
That's awesome!
wait till you have this problem at work, they think its all ok to remind you and everyone else of who you used to be. i have had this problem with this from management on down. it doesn't happen as often now that i have a new crew in the shop, but there is somebody who always slips and could care less if they correct themselves or not.
Quote from: The Only Warrior Princess Mekayla on April 09, 2009, 08:29:08 PM
wait till you have this problem at work, they think its all ok to remind you and everyone else of who you used to be. i have had this problem with this from management on down. it doesn't happen as often now that i have a new crew in the shop, but there is somebody who always slips and could care less if they correct themselves or not.
All we can do is keep trying until we get our point across. *hugs* Something about talking until you're blue in the face...:)
getting your point across to someone like a 72 year old man is like trying to slam a revolving door, it is physically impossible.
Again, all you can do is keep trying. I'd rather bite my own tongue off than give up.
Controling your out status is like controlling [tamarisk | kudzu | purple loosestrife | your favorite invasive weed]. Once it gets a foothold, there's not much you can do. But it can't hurt to remind people that talking behind your back and treating you like a specimen rather than a person is unacceptable.
What can you do to deal? First, realize that you don't really have control of how people talk about you. Second, realize that you don't have to have anything to do with anyone who betrays your confidence. Hold your head up, take your blows, and don't let nobody turn you around.