Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello.
I've a question for people come out 'late' in life. How did you cope living in your birth sex for many years? I'm curios because I've tried for many years to do the same, filling the box, ignoring my issues.

What do you consider to be 'late in life"?  Some peeps think 22 or 23 is 'late in life' because for them that was 'many years' living in anguish whilst others believe that 30, 40, 50 or 60 is.

I am 55 and only going on 7 months RLE.  But in the old days I used, alcohol.  Which doesn't work.  Otherwise I keep it to myself and thought many times of ending it for good.  I would literarily beat myself in the head to drive it out.  My sex life with my wife was nothing, once a year maybe.

There peeps on here that say they don't wish to transition, but I think they are fooling themselves.  It only means years of pain and misery.

Janet

I'm 32 and only 'came out' about 2 months ago, though have never really hidden since my teens.

I did not cope well at all. (still learning to cope truth be told). I did things that were not stereotypical young male behaviours, I cook, I wear makeup, I shaved my legs, grew my hair long, escaped into fantasy throught computer games and roleplaying games. Occasionally I would 'crossdress' though now I don't see it as such now that it is becoming more of the norm. I guess I never really did live in my birthsex. The worst bit was feeling isolated and unrecognised and angry at the world. I suffer from depression.

Perhaps someone like Interelia will have some more insight but I don't think they are doing that well either, otherwise they would not be here looking for help. They are stretching things to the limit, such as taking hormones, without actually transitioning. I think if people like interelia can find a way to live with their dysphoria I think there are a lot of people that would be interested in following their path. Personally I feel the same way as Janet, but I do hope they find what they are after. I guess if anyone has managed it you won't see them here.

Quote from: Janet Lynn on April 05, 2009, 08:44:35 PM
There peeps on here that say they don't wish to transition, but I think they are fooling themselves.  It only means years of pain and misery.
Janet

I would be one of those crazy people Janet is referring to.  ;)  I'm doing my best not to transition, but I'm only about 30 years old so I hardly count as 'late' in life.  However, I have had to learn how to cope with the condition.  I don't use drugs or alcohol or other escape methods.  I've found that the answer for each person on how to cope is individuals, some techniques work for some and not for others.  I can share with you what I do to make it, and take from it what you will.

For the sake not not repeating myself with the same info on multiple posts, I will link you to the 9 things I do to stay sane, here: http://gidinteralia.blogspot.com/2009/04/coping-techniques-to-date-4509.html (http://gidinteralia.blogspot.com/2009/04/coping-techniques-to-date-4509.html)

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Post Merge: April 05, 2009, 09:55:42 PM

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Quote from: Nicky on April 05, 2009, 09:04:20 PM
Perhaps someone like Interelia will have some more insight but I don't think they are doing that well either, otherwise they would not be here looking for help. They are stretching things to the limit, such as taking hormones, without actually transitioning. I think if people like interelia can find a way to live with their dysphoria I think there are a lot of people that would be interested in following their path. Personally I feel the same way as Janet, but I do hope they find what they are after. I guess if anyone has managed it you won't see them here.

Thanks for the note, Nicky. :D  Nicky is right in that I can hardly say that I'm doing peachy all the time, but I find my GID much more manageable than before I started the coping techniques.  I rarely ever have breakdowns now that affect my life the way I used to - only two in the last seven years, 1st when my school fell apart in 2004, and the 2nd when my mother died earlier this year.

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Post Merge: April 05, 2009, 09:58:07 PM

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Oh yeah, here is a post from someone who is 'later' in life that is over 60 years old and has chosen not to transition.  You might find what you are looking for there:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,55483.msg346622.html#msg346622 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,55483.msg346622.html#msg346622)

Interalia,

I never said you were crazy.  I said that I thought you were fooling yourself.  I tried a lot of what you posted.  And I have the scar on my wrist to prove it did not work for me.

If you feel that you can live with GID, and have a normal male life, good luck to you and any who follow.  But I think that you will be still living a lie, as you said in your post.

I hope you make it and prove me wrong.  But as for me, it was truly Transition or Die.

Janet

Quote from: Janet Lynn on April 05, 2009, 10:00:30 PM
Interalia,

I never said you were crazy.  I said that I thought you were fooling yourself.  I tried a lot of what you posted.  And I have the scar on my wrist to prove it did not work for me.

If you feel that you can live with GID, and have a normal male life, good luck to you and any who follow.  But I think that you will be still living a lie, as you said in your post.

I hope you make it and prove me wrong.  But as for me, it was truly Transition or Die.

Janet

Sorry, the use of 'crazy' was tongue in cheek really.  I respect your position completely.  This path of non-transition is not for all.  As such, I defend people's choice to transition - it is (currently) the best available option for dealing with GID.

I guess if anyone has managed it you won't see them here.

Actually, managing and coping and balance and all that pretty much requires some outreach, and finding a group (community if you will) of like minded people can go a long way to dealing with it. I think that for a lot of people things like internet chat and forums are a good tool.  Far from it being something that is weak, its empowering for a lot of people.

Quote from: tekla on April 06, 2009, 01:13:10 AM
I guess if anyone has managed it you won't see them here.

Actually, managing and coping and balance and all that pretty much requires some outreach, and finding a group (community if you will) of like minded people can go a long way to dealing with it. I think that for a lot of people things like internet chat and forums are a good tool.  Far from it being something that is weak, its empowering for a lot of people.

It was for me. Forums saved me from a messy end, educated me, and netted me a bunch of friends. I'm not in the same dark place I was back then, well not most of the time, but I don't think I could ever just up and leave all forums, even if I ended up leaving a specific one for whatever reason. Too many connections.

Hi, I'm Mina, and I'm a Forum Addict. Hey, it beats crack. ~_^

Mina.

Many situations in life develop their individual survival strategies.  Being transgendered is one of them.  I have known about my own gender issues since age 6 with some inkling going back even earlier.  Most of what I did with my feelings, was bury them.  It helped that I was in a situation of absolute fear of letting them come out, and also of letting others control my life so that they could not come out.  Being a co-dependent in a family full of drama where the others are controling you by their weaknesses, addictions and illnesses can control your urges and feelings so that you do not have time to be yourself.  Not the recommended way for it to go, but I am alive and now am at the moment where I have freedom to look for my real self.  Alcohol and pills are not the cure or control as I know too well, having tried and failed to let them control the pain.  I did have medical problems where the alcohol could have killed me, and I almost wanted it to. Lying to yourself by saying if I can just "Prove" my birth gender sex rights I'll be fine, didn't do much to fool me at any point, it just made for some of the stupidest excuses for bizzare dating behavior.  I am 61 now, and things now look like I have a real chance to know the part of me I know is there wanting to be my REAL life. 

Quote from: twospirits on April 05, 2009, 07:17:14 PM
Hello.
I've a question for people come out 'late' in life. How did you cope living in your birth sex for many years? I'm curios because I've tried for many years to do the same, filling the box, ignoring my issues.

How did I cope? Not well.
I joined the military and probably should have been hospitalized for depression shortly after. Luckily the military is rather strict on how you spend your day sometimes. Later some of my actions started making people ask questions you are not allowed to ask. I also drank a lot during that time and all my life did a lot of stupid things that could have easily killed me, some of which will haunt me for life due to what they did to my body. I didn't expect to be around this long.

Unlike many I didn't dress or anything, in fact I fought it from a very young age, well actually I was shown it wouldn't be tolerated to be more precise. My method was to completely push away anything viewed as feminine, especially clothes. The only thing I did was grow my hair out. Which again made people ask questions.

So yeah, not well.

If you are having trouble do what you can, if it gets too bad, get to a therapist or doctor. Don't be a statistic. Forums and chat rooms can help, online communities like Imvu and Second Life can help as well. Second life is actually really good for this as you can live/date/exist as who you really are. There is lots you can do, but for many they are only temporary fixes.




B.T.W. Interlia, your first link is dead.

Fixed!  Thanks, BTW.

How did I cope?

Well I worked for myself in a creative field (jewellery), was, and still am, into girls big time, and was obsessed by competitive cycling back in Italy.

What finally pushed me over the edge was one of my knees giving out due to the huge strain I put it under with the cycling. Strange but true.

Quote from: imaz on April 07, 2009, 06:53:20 AM
What finally pushed me over the edge was one of my knees giving out due to the huge strain I put it under with the cycling. Strange but true.

That's not so strange, mine was very similar.

Hi Janet, hun, who knows who is what and what they qualify and classify as here, there is such a mixed bag of folks. I will only say that if one is truly (transsexual) and can hold off transitioning hmmm what else can I say except that I will leave that one to the researchers to decide.

For anyone who wants to read my storey you are welcome to visit my blog.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,44860.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,44860.0.html)

Cindy

Heyhey.
I'm 26, so that's not really "late in life", as far as I am concerned at least.
What I did was live in denial.
Overcompensate (Buy/Make dresses, buy boots, get pregnant, date boys, date more boys, buy makeup, wear makeup, buy and wear more makeup, buy frilly bath product and have a scented soak and so on) every time I "fell off the wagon" and did something that really made me feel like a bloke.
Drink. (Didn't do much.)
Use less legal means of lowering the level of my consciousness.

All in all, it didn't mean I "coped", it meant I lied to myself, my family, and everyone else really too.

I survived (only in a physical sense)  for 39 years by doing the following:
Volunteering for every committee, board or project you can think of
Cleaned my house to perfection, you could eat off my floors
Tried to be super parent, partner and so on
basically kept myself so busy I never had to take care of myself or think of myself.
And here I am transitioning and happier than I have ever been, can't believe the crazy making I put myself and my family through.
Myles

Well, I didn't 'come out' (or seek treatment/admit to myself my ->-bleeped-<-ness) till I was 27. Before that, I shot dope. Before that, shrinks had me pretty much sedated throughout school. Before that, I was in 'character' all day long as a boy/was always pretending.
I didn't cope, I shot dope.

 I didn`t cope very well. I did drugs and alcohol. Now that i`m not transitioning anymore I`m back to wondering what I`m going to do with myself. I do knnow I`m going back to Hawaii and going to buy a boat but I don`t think you can call that coping. 

Actually, there's one thing.

I treat my "at work" identity somewhat like a role in a film or a television show and make it into a challenge and "act" my way through the day.

Well, I'm not late in life either (27), but I slept.  And slept and slept.  I didn't do much of anything except go to work and sleep.  I probably went through a ton of sominex and spent all my time in a daze.  I drank a good bit too.

Once I accepted myself as I am, it's a lot easier for me to just be myself.  Even though I'm not "out", I don't put on that girly act anymore.  You just do whatever you have to do to survive and not go crazy.  Mostly, I just decided to be happy, everyone else be damned.

I started this topic weeks ago and then I didn't respond to anyone. Sorry, I don't mean to be rough but I was buried in a deep depression and barely I could put two thought together.
So, that is my way to 'cope', I usually wrap myself in an anaesthetic fog where I feel no-pain but I'm disconnected from the rest of the world. I look at the world through a window, I mean. Once in a while I break out but then the life is unbearable and I go back in stand-by/sleep mode. I don't have a social life neither. I usually talk only to my co-worker about work stuff, otherwise I tend to avoid people. So, don't cope very well.

I'm verging into senior citizen territory (or I'm already there, depending on your definition). I've known I'm, ah, "not like other guys" since I was seven. I've considered transitioning twice in my life: once in college, and about a year ago. Both times I've ultimately rejected it, for a variety of reasons.

So how have I coped?

1. Throw myself into work.
2. Avoid personal relationships. With humans, that is.
3. Adopted a cat or two. Or three.

So I'm single, never married, respected at work, and financially secure. And if I dropped dead at home, it might be a week or two before anyone discovered my body.

I've avoided booze & drugs, fortunately. I didn't go the hyper-macho body-building/womanizer/jock route. Nor have I gone effeminate or even androgynous. Mostly just I present as your average computer nerd.

I've never been diagnosed as depressed, and I've never attempted suicide. However, the operative words are "diagnosed" and "attempted." I suspect I've been close to clinically depressed most of my life, and I've managed to muddle through by force. God knows, I'd just love to lie in bed all day, but I simply do not allow myself to do that.

As for suicide .... let's just say that rarely a week goes by without my considering it. I've never attempted it for the simple reason that if I attempted it, I'd damn well make sure I succeeded. When I was younger, I avoided suicide by taking on short term commitments: something to give me a reason keep on living for the next month or two. More recently, I've avoided it by adopting a cat or two. How does that avoid suicide? Because I couldn't live with myself if I abandoned them.

Came out to my parents at 13, crushed, left home. Drank. went to Australia 'cos I'd seen a Les Girls show. Drank. Got married to  a person who new me. Lived.
She had a terrible accident and we can no longer live togther. Drink.

Live in Hell
Feeling crap today, took the day off I'm quite low

I'm 48.  For most of my life I overcompensated and cross-compensated.  High school football was too wussy for me - I had to play tackle football without pads in games with college kids and adults.  Drinking wasn't enough, I had to take every kind of drug and get in bar fights for no reason except to fight.  I had to drive 110 mph with two radar detectors.

I cross-compensated by living a female life vicariously through wives and girlfriends.

I don't recommend it as a coping strategy.

31, fantasy books does wonders, probably half my life. And I go flying, without engine-another wonder, out in space one can say, all quiet. And dress mostly femme these days, except around my parents and friends, then in the middle. And I tend to stay around guys, my (few) friends, they make me feel girly, often get me drinks and so on. Might be because of lack of girlfriends. I tend to stay away from woman, that makes it a lot worse. Except a few, that I think look at me like me, that is the best. So in this flying thing I do, I tend to hang around with another girl, don't know why, but she dont reject me. It's fun, the two of us, drinking and eating from each other plates, and hugs and maybe small kisses if we get too drunk. While her boyfriend watches, he just smiles...:) .. well, that is like therapy..it's how it should have been. I've had these moments now and then. And think they have been important to me.

Quote from: GinaDouglas on April 27, 2009, 02:08:37 PM
I cross-compensated by living a female life vicariously through wives and girlfriends.

Me too, I tried to live through boyfriends. I don't like it, make me feel like a vampire.

I coped with lots of drugs early on, living life in my minds eye. Then switched to the macho man role.  Raising a family and working kept me busy for a while. Then if I wasn't working I was hunting, fishing, biking, hiking, weight lifting, gambling, and flying, anything with ING in it. Even tried to exercise my escape clause once (also has ing at the end of it). I finally started to find some peace with my long time therapist and friend.

Accepting who I really was wasn't easy for me.  But accepting and allowing myself to be me, actually worked where everything else failed. Who would have thought? 

Looking back at those early years, I now realize it was a total waste of time and just being in denial. That's not coping its wasting. Omg it's another "ing" word isn't it.   

Omg it's another "ing" word isn't it.
So is shopping, clubbing, and gossiping.

hahahaha, I agree. Those are enjoyable Ing's but, those Ing's stopped occuping my thoughts of not transitioning many, many years ago. I also believe they were covered in the general statement I had made about trying   "anything with ING in it".   

I dont want to rain on anyones parade. If those things will keep someone content and their mind distracted from not transitioning for a life time. God Love Them.  I wish them all the best. But the difference is I know of, where as I speak. The school of hard knocks is what my father used to call it. Ive lived it for the last 55 years.       

At 45, Ive suffered too long for not having transitioned years ago when I had the chance. Would have been real easy in my 20s, but I was on a destructive path that damn near did me in. Thought I could solve it by burying it deep inside, moved, got married, job, kid, divorced... but it never really goes away. Worse, it eats away like battery acid, the more you try to live status quo, the harder it becomes.

I could pontificate all day on the pros and cons, what I would lose, what I would gain. But at the end of the day it comes down to a simple choice... to paraphrase my favortie movie:

"Get busy living, or get busy dying"

I choose to live!  ::) :D

"AMEN!"sister.

Cindy

I know everyone has seen it but the use of drugs to suppress feelings appear to be very common. Depression, which is not helped by alcohol, appears to be also common.

I also note the lack of friends. I don't have any. Prefering to have a very private social life.
Weird mob aren't we?

Cindy James

I am late in life and because of fear of losing my job and the crappy job market I am not transitioning and I am having a hard time coping, or better yet not coping. I have a job where I really need to pay attention to what I am doing. I cant keep my mind on my work and spend all my free time home, no friends. I have tried many things to try to cope but like my therapist has told me the more I try to cope and not transition it will only get worse. I never thought of sucide or attemped it but some times I wish I would get sicken with something that would end my suffering, I would not take my own life. I am only out to my mother but I am not sure if she accepts it since she asked me not to use make up or go out dressed, since she told me my father was transgender too and her family teased her badly about it. so I cant hurt her. But from what I have been reading here you are only kidding your self if you think you can cope with not transitioning.

I nullified my life in function of my boyfriends. Tried to dress in the way they liked me, tried to behave the way that they wanted me to. Also, I drunk, I was really depressed and risked to leave my studies, I tried suicide. After, I decided that my life wasn't fot me and tried to restart it in the way it was good for me. Also, after one or two years of being an ultra-butch lesbian, I admitted to myself that I'm FTM.

Quote from: twospirits on April 05, 2009, 07:17:14 PM
Hello.
I've a question for people come out 'late' in life. How did you cope living in your birth sex for many years? I'm curios because I've tried for many years to do the same, filling the box, ignoring my issues.

sometimes it can be alcohol on other days it can be staying in my bed and cry.

The problem is the more you fight it, the worse it gets. I tried everything from the time I was a teen, including alchohol, destructive behavior, attempted suicide, purging, and trying to live "normal" as I got older. In the end you have to come face to face with your demons. And more important, realize that being TS is not your demon.

For some coping may be acheivable, for others there is only one path. In any case, you need to come to terms with finding peace within your psyche as transitioning alone wont solve your other issues or guarantee happiness. On the other hand, ignoring the fact you are TS is an exercise in futility as well.

I guess what Im trying to say is that its all about balance... finding the right recipe to end the battle raging within ourselves. To that end, while the wrong therapist can be disasterous (and for me nearly cost me my life), the right one can help with the coping issues - and for myself, Im happy to say I finally found one who has been a tremendous help to me as I continue on my journey.