As I was growing up, from the time as a little boy, I looked forward to becoming an adult. I saw I was a boy and knew that boys grew up to become men. So, I looked forward to becoming a man and having a relationship with a female. I had typical hobbies for a nerdy male such as an interest in electronics and computers. I rarely played sports because they didn't interest me and I never watched them on TV as I found them dreadfully boring. I loved playing video games and I loved playing outside and building things. For the most part, I enjoyed doing many of the activities that are typically male dominated. I had a sister that I would do stuff with from time to time like when she wanted to play "school" or she had friends over, we would play in the backyard on the trampoline or get out the waterslide in the summer. I also had a brother that I would spend a lot of time with. We would go for long walks in the neighborhood exploring for new spots we hadn't been to before. I didn't worry about life for the most part because I was just going along with it and it seemed to be fun.
As I grew older, what seemed to start out as a tiny seed of a feeling of something being wrong, eventually started growing. Secretly, I would crossdress and tried to do a good job hiding my "clothes" in various spots such as under the mattress and later behind and underneath my dresser and even later than that, inside of some rarely worn clothes in my dresser or sometimes under the drawers of my dresser. This seemed to be able to satisfy me for the most part. As I grew older, I learned how to sew in school and so I started sewing some of my own girl clothes in my spare time in secret using a needle and thread which could be hidden. I didn't have any patterns to go by, but I tried fitting it around my body and hoping that I cut it just right, which I did occasionally.
I knew I thought differently than other boys and I knew I approached relationships different than other boys. I would obsess about girls that I had crushes on and usually in ways that I had seen other girls doing it, like writing that I loved somebody on the inside of my shoe where only I knew it was there or doing the loves me/loves me not game. I was a hopeless romantic. I wished boys didn't have to be the ones to approach girls and that I could be asked by a girl instead of me needing to overcome my shyness. I had too many secrets to keep and felt like a dirty shameful person. Nobody could ever know my deep dark secrets.
I enjoyed hanging out with the girls at school and I have always thought so highly of women and wished I could be one of them. I wished I could one day magically trade bodies with a beautiful young woman, if only for a day just to see be a woman. If I ever found a genie, that's what I would wish for, but alas, switching bodies was something that only happened in movies and on TV. So, I tried to work on myself and hoped I could make myself attractive enough to find a girlfriend.
I looked forward to growing a beard so I could attract women and becoming strong. I wanted to be a guy and a good one. I listened to women and tried to figure out what kind of a guy I should be so that I would be attractive. I avoided to stereotypes and was always one to ask for directions or read instructions. Again, I looked up to women. I tried to find a hairstyle so that I could be fawned over. I figured when I found the right women, everything would finally feel all right.
I knew I never felt like a guy and didn't share many of the same interests as guys, except my love for women, but I kept trying. I knew if I were to suddenly be a woman, I would have to like guys and I wasn't attracted to guys and was in fact repulsed by them. Growing up, I had 3 girlfriends, that I had aquired mostly by circumstance, not me pursuing them. When I went to college, I knew I needed some new friends. I decided to become friends with several women, because I enjoyed being in the presense of other women. So I made 3 friends. One of them was to become my wife. I did stuff (as friends) with them, but I really had a crush on Shari. Consequentially, I spent a lot of time with her. So much so, that she began to worry about me. After school got out that year, I continued to spend time with Shari and would visit her often. Throughout the summer, we got to know each other much better and eventuall we had a talk and decided that we wanted to be more than friends. I asked her to marry me 1 week later. I knew she would say yes.
A year later we were married. I was finally doing what I thought would make me happy and make everyone else proud of me. However, my feelings of incompleteness still remained. I remember telling Shari how I felt like a woman (specifically a lesbian) trapped in a man's body without knowing how cliche that was at the time. She said that I was jsut a really sensitive guy. I figured I was probably crazy and just went on with life. Over the years, my ADD kept me trying hobby after hobby, alway slearning new things. I was good at learning new things. I expanded out from what I was already good at with electronics and computers and learned about raising fish and various other pets, I learned about scuba diving and learned to become quite good at Chess. I learned a number of new programming languages. I tried out darts and pool as well. I tried starting up a couple of businesses and learning about flying airplanes. I learned auto mechanics and bartending. I tried acting because that's what I always felt like I was doing anyways, but I found I wasn't very versatile when it came to male characters. I was trying to find my niche, because if I did, I would be happy and I could finally live my life as a man. One thing I note is that every single hobby (with the exception of scuba diving and chess) that I started, I was able to participate in by myself and the ones that weren't were very short-lived.
I remember wishing I could find some job where I could be a woman. Maybe a movie or something. I was desparate, but I still tried to live the life of a man. I was bound and determined. In 2004, Shari joined this volunteer group that did a haunted house in October every year. I helped a little with some of the building, but didn't participate much. The next year, I volunteered as a manager and wanted to put some of my skills I had aquired - such as electronics, building things, mechanics, etc - to good use. We got everything prepared prior to October. At one of the manager's meeting, the main guy running it (who is gay) announced that one of the events they would have in October would be centered around a rather locally well-known group of Drag Queens. He also challenged me to dress as a woman, to which I pretty much turned down.
The idea kept eating away at me and eventually I resolved to do this challenge. I went around and got the necessary stuff and got everything prepared. I put it in bags and went there in male clothes. I was so scared to change my clothes. I needed to give myself a little push and when I was asked to carry a cooler full of water to another building, I made sure to "accidentally" spill some on myself so that I would need to change my clothes. Well, I decided to change my clothes and put on everything. Makeup was the hardest since I had never put that on before. I winged it, but was told I did pretty good. I really can't remember what it looked like though. Well it ended up being much better than I thought and I talked to people and was astounded at the surrealism of naturalness I felt. I went home resolving that I would never need to dress again for my family and this was the last time. I had diffficulty getting myself to take the clothes off and ended up sleeping in them.
The next day, I realized that I had to do it again soon. Maybe for halloween. The thoughts just wouldn't leave my head. I do what I always do when thoughts won't leave my head, I did some research on the internet and did reading about crossdressers. I found out this was a branch of being transgendered and used that term to continue doing research. Within the next couple of days, I had to tell my wife. Something had shifted inside of me and I needed to do this again. After more research I learned about other terms I had never heard before like transsexual. I learned about transitioning and I knew that I would have liked to have been a female all my life. I studied the differences between transsexuals and crossdressers, because I wasn't really sure where I fell into the spectrum. This was all so new to me. I learned about HRT, SRS and RLT. I knew this was something I desparately wanted to do. However, I also didn't want to lose my wife. I knew transitioning meant losing everything. I had found Susans and did a lot of reading on there. However, all these urges just came at me so strongly. I was slipping.
Within the next week, I has shaved myself and pierced my ears. I could, after all, do that without committing to anything. Over the next month, I kept slipping little by little. Making promises I couldn't keep and breaking them. I so badly needed to transition all the way. I knew the first step was talking to my doctor and then therapy and so I made appointments and did that. Sometime in October, I knew some sort of transition was in my future, I just didn't know how far I would go. With my research I eventually realized I fit the description of a transsexual pretty darn well. I had done a good job covering my tracks and fogging out memories of wanting to be female. If you had asked me about my past then, I wouldn't have been able to tell you because it was a big blank spot. I had some digging to do in my brain and I did. Sometime in November, it all came out. The mental block had finally been released and it came out in a flood of tears. I cried for several hours as I kept telling my wife things. All during this research period I was constantly questioning myself to see if this was right for me, but in my heart I knew it was.
I fought desparately to avoid who I really was. It was more than just an acting job. It was the hope that I could somehow win this and be happy. Since then I have transitioned and am now living fulltime as a female. I am already finding that happiness I have sought for all those years during my life. This is my story and it may be somewhat unconventional for a transsexual in that I wasn't constantly begging to be a girl all my life, but none the less, the treatment is working for me.
Melissa
ONE:
WICKED STORY!
I hope the best!
TWO:
I'll help you find a Genie, I'll take one wish, you take one wish, and we'll donate the last wish to the Salvation Army.
Three:
Let me play you in chess some time, my brother was state champ(geek!) and I learned how to play in a drug rehab and can bust his butt now without even doing much more than taking glances at the board!
Four:
What came of your and your wife?
Five:
How far along on treatment are you now?
Melissa, I want to give you a really big HUG. You are a wonderful person. Thank you for being here.
Love Sheila
Quote from: Annwyn on August 29, 2006, 02:02:44 PM
ONE:
WICKED STORY!
I hope the best!
Thanks
Quote from: Annwyn on August 29, 2006, 02:02:44 PM
TWO:
I'll help you find a Genie, I'll take one wish, you take one wish, and we'll donate the last wish to the Salvation Army.
Um, not needed anymore. ;) But if you do find one, I'd be happy to make a wish.
Quote from: Annwyn on August 29, 2006, 02:02:44 PM
Three:
Let me play you in chess some time, my brother was state champ(geek!) and I learned how to play in a drug rehab and can bust his butt now without even doing much more than taking glances at the board!
Ok, but it's been quite some time since I played and I'm a little rusty. I was actually in the chess club in highschool, but definitely not the best. Actually, the last time I played a friend of mine (who was also in the chess club and better than me), I beat him.
Quote from: Annwyn on August 29, 2006, 02:02:44 PM
Four:
What came of your and your wife?
We're in the middle of a divorce.
Quote from: Annwyn on August 29, 2006, 02:02:44 PM
Five:
How far along on treatment are you now?
7 months on hormones and 2 months RLT.
Melissa
Quote from: Sheila on August 29, 2006, 02:04:29 PM
Melissa, I want to give you a really big HUG. You are a wonderful person. Thank you for being here.
Love Sheila
Thanks Sheila. *HUG* Maybe a real one in October. :)
Melissa
Quote from: Melissa on August 29, 2006, 02:07:05 PM
Ok, but it's been quite some time since I played and I'm a little rusty. I was actually in the chess club in highschool, but definitely not the best. Actually, the last time I played a friend of mine (who was also in the chess club and better than me), I beat him.
Last time i played, I was wired on amphetamines to the point of seeing multicolored spots everywhere when I met this old guy in Barnes and Nobles and played him!
I won!
It was hard!
QuoteQuote from: Annwyn on August 29, 2006, 02:02:44 PM
Four:
What came of your and your wife?
We're in the middle of a divorce.
Ick.
QuoteQuote from: Annwyn on August 29, 2006, 02:02:44 PM
Five:
How far along on treatment are you now?
7 months on hormones and 2 months RLT.
I don't like that... why would a therapist request someone to begin their RLT before any feminization of the hormones has taken place? I'm fulyl in shape as a male but am lucky enough I could pass... not everyone is like that. It's cruel and asking for a hate crime!
Melissa
[/quote]
Good story Melissa. Yea, there is that moment where you know what you have to do, and just can not fight it forever. Some of us have had to for too long, it is great you are still young enough to enjoy being who you have always been for a longer period of time. I wih you all the best and would also like to give you a hug in October if that would be alright?
Marco ;)
Quote from: Annwyn on August 29, 2006, 02:21:12 PM
I don't like that... why would a therapist request someone to begin their RLT before any feminization of the hormones has taken place? I'm fulyl in shape as a male but am lucky enough I could pass... not everyone is like that. It's cruel and asking for a hate crime!
My therapist didn't request it. I just did it. I couldn't stand living as male any longer. Besides, at 5 months HRT, I was not passing as male very well. I've had no trouble passing as female. I experienced some kind of accelerated feminization from the hormones. My avatar is 1 week after I went fulltime to give you an idea.
Melissa
Quote from: Marco on August 29, 2006, 02:35:36 PM
Good story Melissa. Yea, there is that moment where you know what you have to do, and just can not fight it forever. Some of us have had to for too long, it is great you are still young enough to enjoy being who you have always been for a longer period of time. I wih you all the best and would also like to give you a hug in October if that would be alright?
Marco ;)
Sure it would Marco. I'm an affectionate person. :)
Melissa
Quote from: Melissa on August 29, 2006, 01:42:59 PMThis is my story...
Very nicely written! I've followed your story in bits and pieces over these last months of course, but it's fascinating to see it all put together in sequence like this. Thanks!
QuoteI would obsess about girls that I had crushes on and usually in ways that I had seen other girls doing it, like writing that I loved somebody on the inside of my shoe where only I knew it was there or doing the loves me/loves me not game
Me too! Me too! I always felt kinda ashamed and perverted doing it, as I was SO obsessed with girls. My (boy) friends when I was that young didn't seem to share my stalker-like enthusiasm, lol.
Quote...and it may be somewhat unconventional for a transsexual in that I wasn't constantly begging to be a girl all my life, but none the less, the treatment is working for me.
Not so unconventional at all! If you peek through "True Selves," it's a fairly common theme to go from knowing *something* is different and wrong, to having an epiphany and connecting all the dots later on in a "Uh!!! How could I have been so BLIND?" moment. Or three.
Quite a life story you're writing! Could you ever have *imagined* you'd be where you are now? Isn't it amazing? I'm REALLY enjoying this latest chapter ;)
Thanks Melissa.
(where is that applaud Button)
I related to everything you said. It is interesting that you never consisdered yourself female till later in life. It is where I am finding myself.
Alice
Thanks Kate, that makes me feel better. This was really the proper introduction I should have given when I first joined Susan's. I did post one, but it was brief and left out a lot of details because I had this deep seated fear that somebody would say that I wasn't conventional, so I wasn't really TS. I just felt this story needed to be written and so I did.
Melissa
Quote from: Alice on August 29, 2006, 06:03:30 PM
Thanks Melissa.
(where is that applaud Button)
I related to everything you said. It is interesting that you never consisdered yourself female till later in life. It is where I am finding myself.
Alice
Yes, it wasn't until I started analyzing myself accepting who I really was. Deep down I knew I was female, but was reluctant to admit it and now looking back, I have so many memories that it seems super obvious to myself that I was. All I knew is I was me and my body looked male, so I must be male. But then why was I different from all other males? I didn't think like them and I didn't approach life like them. Something else I forgot to include in the story: I
always felt like I was more mature than all of the other boys. I attributed this to why I never acted like the rest of them. Then I came to realize that guys are always immature and this explanation became fallacious. I never could explain it after that until I started doing my research.
Melissa
Ah, Melissa, after reading your story I have to say, I feel you! Especially acting - I always thought I would love to act, but I couldn't do female roles and nobody wanted to cast a girl in a male role even though they always had a shortage of males in the theater groups... So I got stuck with being on crew for 3 plays and once played a moose's voice from offstage. Looking back we both totally should have asked to read for the opposite sex at our auditions :D
Quote from: Mikko on August 29, 2006, 07:08:13 PM
Looking back we both totally should have asked to read for the opposite sex at our auditions :D
Hehehe, that would have been nice, but I wasn't ready to face my "secret" at that time. I just knew I felt like I was acting and not being my true self (whatever that was) and that I was good at memorizing long monologues. I did eventually develop some male characters with the help of the director, so once I had that, I did well. :) To play a female character was a dream beyond reach as far as I saw it, but I would have loved to have been "forced" to do it. :) The challenge I was presented later on to dress up as a woman was about all the force I needed though.
Melissa
Melissa,
Your story sounds so much like mine...
Chuante
Lalalalalala
lalalalala!
Catch a falling star and put in in your pocket, never let it fade away...
But I don't need to catch you or keep you from fading...
You just kind of did it on your own.
In severe honesty... this inspires me with hope, I'm happy I know such a determined, artistic, and gifted individual like you, Mellissa, even if it's just through this thing so I don't even know if you're real or not!
Quote from: Annwyn on August 29, 2006, 09:05:13 PM
In severe honesty... this inspires me with hope, I'm happy I know such a determined, artistic, and gifted individual like you, Mellissa, even if it's just through this thing so I don't even know if you're real or not!
Thanks Annwyn. As far as I can tell, I'm real, but unless you saw me in person, there's no way to prove that, so you'll have to take my word for it. ;)
Melissa
Hi Melissa,
I have just re-read your story and sop many things are just so interesting to me - in particular this section.
Quote
With my research I eventually realized I fit the description of a transsexual pretty darn well. I had done a good job covering my tracks and fogging out memories of wanting to be female. If you had asked me about my past then, I wouldn't have been able to tell you because it was a big blank spot. I had some digging to do in my brain and I did. Sometime in November, it all came out. The mental block had finally been released and it came out in a flood of tears. I cried for several hours as I kept telling my wife things. All during this research period I was constantly questioning myself to see if this was right for me, but in my heart I knew it was.
I was wondering what TS description did you fit - There seams to be so many it would be hard to find one that would fit everyone.
I started a new blog thanks to susans (see http://alice.tgspot.com/ ) and I would be interested in your coments as I am where you were in the description above. In my blog this is what I wrote.
"I so much related to Melissa's story that I saw this morning here at Susans that almost caused me to be late for the Doctor. It was so interesting how she figured she was TS and transistioned and is now happy. I do not know how I will find happiness in denile and given the events of the last month I need to move on somehow and if that is to coming out as TS well from all I have read I must accept that."Thanks again.
Alice
Quote from: Melissa on August 29, 2006, 01:42:59 PM
...This is my story and it may be somewhat unconventional for a transsexual in that I wasn't constantly begging to be a girl all my life...
Been there, done that.
Seriously!
Very well written. Way too many echoes of my life in there.
Dawn
Quote from: Melissa on August 29, 2006, 06:10:55 PM
I had this deep seated fear that somebody would say that I wasn't conventional, so I wasn't really TS.
Hey, you're much more conventional than I - even though I called myself "classic" in another thread, I really shouldn't have. Heck, I've enjoyed sex as a man on rare occasion, don't find my body entirely gross, think of SRS as nice but no biggie, don't noticably crossdress, don't make a fuss with my therapist about pronouns or female names, find the idea of being a "woman" (cultural construct) a bit frightening, I'm not overtly feminine...
But with YOU my dear, lol, wow... this whole womanhood thing seems to come so easily! Not the struggles and trials *surrounding* it of course, I know that's been tough - but it's very obvious you found your home, where you've *always* belonged. That's nice to see :)
Quote from: Alice on August 30, 2006, 06:43:56 AM
I was wondering what TS description did you fit - There seams to be so many it would be hard to find one that would fit everyone.
It wasn't so much a description itself, but more of a definition. For instance, a crossdresser is perfectly content being a man. I tried hard being one, but that didn't mean I was happy being one. There seems to be a deeper, more innate drive to go far enough to physically alter your body as a transsexual, rather than thinking it might be "neat" to be a woman. I had another fear that my motivations for wanting to transition may have been for the wrong reasons and that was why I had to look over my life so carefully and make sure this wasn't something I just decided or wanted. I started going to therapy and as time went on and I kept reading about other transsexuals' lives I came to realize I couldn't go on without transitioning. I suppose it was suicidal thoughts and an actual suicide attempt that really made me realize this was far more serious than just wanting to be a woman. I went as far as I could in therapy, but as time went on, I got more and more depressed. At a couple points, I actually went to remove my testicles because I hated the testosterone so much, but was stopped by my wife. I eventually started having panic attacks and extremely high blood pressure and when I went to therapy a couple days later, I told her and that I needed to start hormones ASAP. When she agreed, that was a huge burden lifted. When I actually started the hormones, that was an even bigger burden lifted. So, I guess it was these dangerous behaviors that were the biggest indicators. You don't hear of crossdressers doing stuff like this. I felt I tried my hardest to fight this thing and I still couldn't win, so I felt no guit about transitioning. I hope that helps.
Melissa
Quote from: Kate on August 30, 2006, 08:48:15 AM
But with YOU my dear, lol, wow... this whole womanhood thing seems to come so easily! Not the struggles and trials *surrounding* it of course, I know that's been tough - but it's very obvious you found your home, where you've *always* belonged. That's nice to see :)
Oddly enough it did. It actually surprised me in that I never thought it would the whole time I grew up. When I started comparing myself to other women, it was odd how strikingly similar I was. Either way, I've found my way home. :)
Melissa
It isn't so "odd" Melissa, you had been a woman your whole life (as I had). You were just finally able to acknowledge it and open your life to it.
It is great that you are as open and "verbal" as you are, I have a hard time opening up with others and letting them in.
Sarah L.
Oh, I used to be such a closed book and had trouble with that. However, I wanted to be much more like I am now. So I figured if I was completely redoing my whole life, I might as well become the person I really am. I guess that explains the change in personality. I was no longer acting and I just started being myself (which sometimes gets me into trouble, even on here). Are you fine with being quite and keeping to yourself? If so, then just continue. If not, please change that. See, I gues I'm really an extrovert, but in order to hide my secrets, I had to close myself off. No more secrets made it easy. I guess the one thing I did was I started telling the world all of my deep secrets and that was very liberating. And you know what? Nobody thought I was a bad person after telling those secrets. When you have nothing to hide, it makes it much easier to be outgoing.
Melissa
Melissa, when I finally found myself and told my wife about the lie that I have been keeping, it lifted a ton of weight of my shoulders. I wasn't afraid of too much after that. I'm now more of an extrovert and not an introvert like I use to be. I'm more afraid of bugs now, go figure.
Sheila
Hi Melisa hun
Enjoyed your story
I was in Susan's chat a couple years ago. I never felt I was a boy although I had to play the roll for more years then I should.
Fortunately as I grew up my mom knew about my cross dressing and she didn't mind or least ways she never told me she did. We were close, I loved my mom and she was my best friend and confidant as well as my mom. I never mingled much with other men except for two really close male friends that I looked up to like they were my brothers. For the most part I was a loner and really preferred it that way. As a child in public school where I never did fit in and was a target for bullies. Well this all ended when I met Hellene, she was a street brawler as well as a tom boy. Needless to say we both were renegade pranksters and mischief makers. We were both classified as odd balls or rejects by both the girls and guys. Wow but did we have fun running together those few years.
When I got to the age of 15 I quit school and ran off hitching my way from a northern town in Ontario to the big city of New York. I was lucky to have run into a group of hippies in a restaurant. Mind you back then unisex clothes were the in thing. One of the guys I was atracted to at the table with two girls and one guy I did on purpose sort of got his attention. You see back then I had hair down to my butt and with the uniclothes I passed quite well and he asked me to join them. Wow tall slim with longish golden blond hair blue eyes and and the hint of a goatee under this chin. "Hee. hee." reminded me of a billy goat. :o) He asked me to go with them to this commune that was a converted abandoned ship in New York harbor. Any way as time went on we kind of fell for each other. they had me stationed in a dorm for other runaway girls.
I spent nearly two years there and then Hell broke loose and the we were raided and disbanded by the cops and and Jim drove me to the outskirts of town and told me to go back home that it was to dangerous for me to remain there. We kissed then I stood on the side of the highway watching him drive away in his Volkswagen micro bus. The one I had painted the graffiti on with my own hands.
Well it was going to be another thirty years before I would get another chance to again touch my dream. 47 years old I was in such misery that I began entertaining the though of suicide and I became anorexic. I was starving mysel to death before I just decided to do it. Just took all the men's clothes and put it all in two garbage bags and took them to Salvation Army and exchanged them for women's clothes, The next day I waked out of my home as Cindy and never looked back.
I have been Cindy for the past five years now, got SRS two years ago. I have been accepted by everyone in this town and most only know me and address me as Cindy.
Cindy
Thanks and great story Cin. Congrats on the last 5 years.
Melissa
Hi Melisa hun, thank you. I been trying to get a picture in here but not having much success, would you be able to tell me how?
Cin
Sure, you need 15 posts first. Looks like you have 2 already.
Melissa
Hmmmm wonder who thinks up these rules. Hey not complaining I am just not much of a lover of rules ;D
Maybe I should write myself twelve more posts, if nothing else I could keep myself entertained. "hee, hee, hee"
Cin
Posted on: September 01, 2006, 07:59:36 AM
Hi again Melissa
Are you now living full time as a woman? Have you had SRS? and how did your wife handle it? Just curious, hope I am not being to nosy.
Cin
Susan made the rules so that we can get to know people before they get a bunch of privileges. It's come in handy a few times. Feel free to join in some of the many threads available and you'll easily get 12 more posts. :)
I am living fulltime as a woman and have been for about 2 months now. No SRS yet. :( Hopefully sometime soon. Me and wife are getting divorced, and I can't wait for that to be over with. She just stresses me out so much. You're not being too nosy. :)
Melissa
Hi again Melissa, glad to hear you made that step forward, How I so remember the torture of having to live in the other persona. Ya it figures with the wife, when I was here last, in the chatroom, I figured on a scale of one to one hundred only one relationship decide to stay together. Believe me I knew some of the better halves and they suffered just as greatly. I remember spending several nights consoling one of the wives. She finally accepted the situation and decided to walk.
Maybe some day I will tell you how I can feel and sense people just from reading their messages if you are interested.
Love and light
Cin
There's a chatroom here?
www.susans.org gets you to the home page then click on chat at the top of the page.
Cin
Quote from: Cin on September 01, 2006, 11:10:03 AM
Hi again Melissa, glad to hear you made that step forward, How I so remember the torture of having to live in the other persona. Ya it figures with the wife, when I was here last, in the chatroom, I figured on a scale of one to one hundred only one relationship decide to stay together. Believe me I knew some of the better halves and they suffered just as greatly. I remember spending several nights consoling one of the wives. She finally accepted the situation and decided to walk.
Maybe some day I will tell you how I can feel and sense people just from reading their messages if you are interested.
Hi, I've been having a particularly hard morning. My marriage is most definitely over. She is sleeping around with a number of guys and many times doesn't come home at night. I end up watching the kids all the time and never am able to take any time for myself. Finances are down the tube and I really am not sure how I'm *not* going to end up homeless in the next few months, let alone pay for SRS. Yet, she seems to have reckless disregard for what she spends. She has no job and during the day, she has the kids watched for her a lot by others, which I have to pay for. The house is a disaster and she
never cleans during the day. Really, who would you call the "better half"? There's no saving the marriage at this point and every time she is around I feel so stressed. I was having nightmares last night from being so stressed. She's a leech.
Melissa
Melissa,
Your divorce needs to move to the part where you sell the house and split the money so you can move on. Dang that is so bad she is being like that. I read stuff like this and realize how lucky I am that my ex is taking care of the kids. Well, 3 of them anyway.
I hope you can get out of that situation sooner tha later. Does she forget those are her kids too?
Marco
Quote from: Melissa on September 01, 2006, 11:28:07 AM
Quote from: Cin on September 01, 2006, 11:10:03 AM
Hi again Melissa, glad to hear you made that step forward, How I so remember the torture of having to live in the other persona. Ya it figures with the wife, when I was here last, in the chatroom, I figured on a scale of one to one hundred only one relationship decide to stay together. Believe me I knew some of the better halves and they suffered just as greatly. I remember spending several nights consoling one of the wives. She finally accepted the situation and decided to walk.
Maybe some day I will tell you how I can feel and sense people just from reading their messages if you are interested.
Hi, I've been having a particularly hard morning. My marriage is most definitely over. She is sleeping around with a number of guys and many times doesn't come home at night. I end up watching the kids all the time and never am able to take any time for myself. Finances are down the tube and I really am not sure how I'm *not* going to end up homeless in the next few months, let alone pay for SRS. Yet, she seems to have reckless disregard for what she spends. She has no job and during the day, she has the kids watched for her a lot by others, which I have to pay for. The house is a disaster and she never cleans during the day. Really, who would you call the "better half"? There's no saving the marriage at this point and every time she is around I feel so stressed. I was having nightmares last night from being so stressed. She's a leech.
Melissa
Oh, Melissa, I'm so sorry... (Hugs)
I'm worried that my relationship will also fall aprat when I start to chage... I know Justin won't cheat on me but he also won't be *attracted* to me anymore, and I don't know if I can handle being cut off physically.
Things would be so much easier if everyone in the world was bi.
I'm sorry to hear that Melissa. I obviously don't know as much about your situation as most on here but maybe it's time to take back control of your life and let that part of it go. Sounds like she has made her position clear by action if not words. I've never been married so I guess I can't really offer any "from experience" type of advice. I hope things get better for you.
Quote from: Melissa on September 01, 2006, 11:28:07 AM
She is sleeping around with a number of guys and many times doesn't come home at night....
she seems to have reckless disregard for what she spends...
she has the kids watched for her a lot by others, which I have to pay for...
The house is a disaster and she never cleans during the day...
It sounds like she's determined to punish you :(
Quote from: Marco on September 01, 2006, 11:42:44 AM
Melissa,
Your divorce needs to move to the part where you sell the house and split the money so you can move on. Dang that is so bad she is being like that. I read stuff like this and realize how lucky I am that my ex is taking care of the kids. Well, 3 of them anyway.
I hope you can get out of that situation sooner tha later. Does she forget those are her kids too?
Another problem is that the kids literally work at destroying the house during the day while she is supposedly "watching" them. They have cut holes in walls, permanently colored large portions of walls, stained just about every carpet in the house, ruined at least 4 doors, etc. The house is not even worth what I paid for it, so in selling it, I would end up owing a large portion of money. And it gets worse every day. She says she watches them during the day every time I complain about having no time to myself. Then if I bring up the kids ruining the house, large arguments start and that's why it's so bad at home.
I hope I can get out too. I'm afraid that because she's the "wife" and jobless, she'll get a large alimony and custody of the kids. It's so unfair. I just can't win. :(
Melissa
Posted on: September 01, 2006, 09:51:23 AM
Quote from: Mikko on September 01, 2006, 11:43:23 AM
Oh, Melissa, I'm so sorry... (Hugs)
I'm worried that my relationship will also fall aprat when I start to chage... I know Justin won't cheat on me but he also won't be *attracted* to me anymore, and I don't know if I can handle being cut off physically.
Things would be so much easier if everyone in the world was bi.
Thanks Mikko. That means a lot. I hope your relationship goes ok as well. That's why I don't recommend marriage before transition. It makes things less complicated. It would be easier if we were all bi.
This morning I woke up from my nightmares and I just started crying because everything came to me in a moment of clarity and I ended up going over to the chat room and Chatting with Alice and a couple other and that helped me feel somewhat better. At least I stopped crying.
Melissa
It might still just be better to be away from her, in spite of all the things that are going to take a step backwards. It sounds like they're *all* trying to punish you, really.
Quote from: BrandiOK on September 01, 2006, 11:46:06 AM
I'm sorry to hear that Melissa. I obviously don't know as much about your situation as most on here but maybe it's time to take back control of your life and let that part of it go. Sounds like she has made her position clear by action if not words. I've never been married so I guess I can't really offer any "from experience" type of advice. I hope things get better for you.
Who said I was holding onto anything? I'm more than ready to be done with the marriage. We need to finish filling out the papers, but she seems to never be around.
Melissa
Posted on: September 01, 2006, 09:56:31 AM
Quote from: Kate on September 01, 2006, 11:47:36 AM
It sounds like she's determined to punish you :(
Quote from: Mikko on September 01, 2006, 11:55:59 AM
It might still just be better to be away from her, in spite of all the things that are going to take a step backwards. It sounds like they're *all* trying to punish you, really.
Yeah, it seems that way, doesn't it. ::) I'm just trying to be a good person and hold my life together as well as I can. :(
Melissa
Ah...I understand. Sorry, I didn't know all the details so I was just trying to offer some general advice.
I am so sorry to hear that Melisa hun. I divorced my wife 25 years ago. That was not a very nice experience either. She was abusive physically and mentally. Hey I only weigh 115 lbs soak and wet and 5' 3" tall. she was nearly twice as heavy as me and taller. Finally I left her with everything the house the money and the kids. and moved down to Tennessee and I live in central Ontario Can. That was how badly I wanted to get lost from her. I lived in Tennessee for nearly two years and hten had to move back to Ontario. I was a very sick person for a number of years and that was the reason I moved back, for hospital coverage. I am doing fine now I been married to another Tgirl for the past two years and she is as protective of me as a mother bear. I love the atention. :o)
Cin
Yeah, it may come down to doing something like that. :(
Melissa
Melissa,
I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. Remember to make yourself your first priority. You won't be any good to your kids or anyone else if you aren't taken care of!!
(((HUGS)))
Ginger
So, I'm a little late in joining the discussion, but...
Can I just say up untill the part of mariage, you just described me to a T. Seriously, everything about your chiildhood that you decsribed here, could have come out of my own mouth. as for the wife...well I was engaged and if I hadn't realized how much of a psycho-hose-beast she was before walking down any isles, things would have been a disaster. that was 3 years ago before I figured anything out, however she did participate in my cross dressing and actually liked playing doll with me...
I have serious temporary hobby syndrome, it sucks some times because I get all excited about something new and then i just lose intrest. I feer that in chosing my career I'll have a simmilar problem. I'm currently aiming for Elecrical Engineering, Like you, I have always been an elecrtonics nerd... But as I think about things, was never creating something new or designing them, but figuring out how they worked....I do that with so many things and have spent the last couple years very interested in the inner workings of the human mind...I'm taking a Psych class this semester and, well, I love it... maybe a change to a psych major?
Quote from: Melissa on August 30, 2006, 10:28:06 AM
I had another fear that my motivations for wanting to transition may have been for the wrong reasons and that was why I had to look over my life so carefully and make sure this wasn't something I just decided or wanted.
yeah thats where I'm at right now, and I think a part of this being a little difficult is that we're trying to distinguish the difference between something we want from something we want and need.
Quote from: Melissa on August 30, 2006, 10:28:06 AM
I suppose it was suicidal thoughts and an actual suicide attempt that really made me realize this was far more serious than just wanting to be a woman.
I wonder what will happen to me that will impact me the way suiside attepts do to many people...I know I'm incapable of even the thought of suicide, I fear death to death... when I was younger I would cry myself to sleep almost every night thinking about how I didnt want to die, and there was nothing I could do about it when the time comes...chances are if anything it would be a severe depression, just wanting to sleep all the time, not killing myself but just not living anymore, you know?
I think we're (by we I mean not primary or secondary but those in the middle who dont realize what the deal is until about 20ish but without the "I am a girl" thing as children) much more common than anyone gives us credit for. I think it makes it hard because we dont fit the mold that others have set for us to fit into. I dont like to fit into molds anyway, I'm just me and do what I need to do to be happy.
So, enough about me here, I'm glad to hear that you're not dwelling on trying to keep a seemingly hopeless marriage, it saddens me that you'll likely have to play tug of war with your kids, as it seems that they would likely get the love and attention they need from you more than your wife. I hope the courts can see that and dont let the whole TS thing cloud thier judgement on the matter. the fact that she's jobless and you're not may work in your favor. I really hope to see things go good for you.
Ellissa
Quote from: gin on September 01, 2006, 01:57:31 PM
Melissa,
I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. Remember to make yourself your first priority. You won't be any good to your kids or anyone else if you aren't taken care of!!
(((HUGS)))
Ginger
Yeah, I did that already. Now that I'm a fulltime woman, gender issues don't seem to weigh as heavily on me as the other problems. Thanks for the hugs. :)
Quote from: Ellissa Ray on September 01, 2006, 02:02:41 PM
Can I just say up untill the part of mariage, you just described me to a T. Seriously, everything about your chiildhood that you decsribed here, could have come out of my own mouth.
Interesting, I didn't think anybody went through exactly the same thing as me. That's reassuring.
Quote from: Ellissa Ray on September 01, 2006, 02:02:41 PM
I have serious temporary hobby syndrome, it sucks some times because I get all excited about something new and then i just lose intrest.
I love that name for it. :D If you read the symtoms for ADD, it sounds strikingly similar. I was diagnosed with ADD as a child and never felt it went away. I found coping mechanisms, but they don't always work. I still do the hobby thing, but now I just do it for fun rather than seeking happiness. Right now I'm into Tarot Cards, which I almost started a few years ago.
When I figured out my gender issues, I'm sure my parents thought it was just another "hoddy", so I think they're waiting for me to lose interest. The thing is, it's been a constant in my life since I was a little kid even throughout all my hobbies. Like I said, I'm still doing the hobby thing even with my gender issues.
Quote from: Ellissa Ray on September 01, 2006, 02:02:41 PM
I feer that in chosing my career I'll have a simmilar problem. I'm currently aiming for Elecrical Engineering, Like you, I have always been an elecrtonics nerd... But as I think about things, was never creating something new or designing them, but figuring out how they worked....I do that with so many things and have spent the last couple years very interested in the inner workings of the human mind...I'm taking a Psych class this semester and, well, I love it... maybe a change to a psych major?
Don't switch majors so fast. Starting a new hobby is like starting a new relationship. The euphoria you feel at the beginning will never be what it's like in 5 or 10 years. I've been doing computer programming since I was 15 and have switched to quite a few different languages, but I finally settled on PHP about 4 years ago and have stuck with that ever since. It's a good language and I'm always able to try new things and make stuff better, so the learning seems to always be there. I'm also very good at what I do. My point is, you should choose something you are good at that you don't mind doing. There are so many times I considered switching majors, but with what I get paid now, I'm glad I didn't. :)
Quote from: Ellissa Ray on September 01, 2006, 02:02:41 PM
yeah thats where I'm at right now, and I think a part of this being a little difficult is that we're trying to distinguish the difference between something we want from something we want and need.
Yes, I agree.
Quote from: Ellissa Ray on September 01, 2006, 02:02:41 PM
I wonder what will happen to me that will impact me the way suiside attepts do to many people...I know I'm incapable of even the thought of suicide, I fear death to death... when I was younger I would cry myself to sleep almost every night thinking about how I didnt want to die, and there was nothing I could do about it when the time comes...chances are if anything it would be a severe depression, just wanting to sleep all the time, not killing myself but just not living anymore, you know?
One thing I've noticed about my suicidal thoughts is they have always been linked to thoughts of not being able to transition. If somebody suggested I had to live as male longer or anything that would cause that, I would instantly get suicidal thoughts. It's when I believed those suggestions that I did the suicide attempts.
Quote from: Ellissa Ray on September 01, 2006, 02:02:41 PM
I think we're (by we I mean not primary or secondary but those in the middle who dont realize what the deal is until about 20ish but without the "I am a girl" thing as children) much more common than anyone gives us credit for. I think it makes it hard because we dont fit the mold that others have set for us to fit into. I dont like to fit into molds anyway, I'm just me and do what I need to do to be happy.
It could be. I also wonder if the late transitioners would have transitioned sooner if they had the resources available to them at our age that we do now. I knew I had to act immediately as soon as I found out because of my age and how testosterone affects people. It wasn't until much later that I realized my body wasn't typical and I hadn't been affected as much as somebody else my age. Also, HRT had much more dramatic effects on me than the typical person as well. For that I feel fortunate. In fact, I feel I was meant to be female.
Quote from: Ellissa Ray on September 01, 2006, 02:02:41 PM
So, enough about me here, I'm glad to hear that you're not dwelling on trying to keep a seemingly hopeless marriage, it saddens me that you'll likely have to play tug of war with your kids, as it seems that they would likely get the love and attention they need from you more than your wife. I hope the courts can see that and dont let the whole TS thing cloud thier judgement on the matter. the fact that she's jobless and you're not may work in your favor. I really hope to see things go good for you.
Well, the thing is that we have discussed the kids and she knows she has a hard time taking care of them, so she's not opposed to equal custody.
Thanks for the great reply. :)
Melissa
Hi Ellissa hun
Taking psych lessons is great if you have a desire to work with people. I worked as a social worker for seventeen years the last five as Cindy. I have worked with recovering alcoholics, addicts in recovery programs as a counselor then I went on to work with street people and and abused moms and children. The last job I had I worked with mental health consumers. It is not easy work but if one has empathy and compassion it can be gratifying work.
Now that I am retired I am working on putting together a cyber school for highly intuitive children diagnosed with ADD/HD. To help parents with home schooling their children.
Cin
Edit: removed URL - Kate
Guess I'm another "in the middle" type - neither "classic" nor late in life. A lot of what you wrote in your opening post I can relate to. overall it was similar for me, although I didn't marry.
Quote from: Melissa on September 01, 2006, 03:04:14 PMOne thing I've noticed about my suicidal thoughts is they have always been linked to thoughts of not being able to transition. If somebody suggested I had to live as male longer or anything that would cause that, I would instantly get suicidal thoughts. It's when I believed those suggestions that I did the suicide attempts.
Same here. I saw it as a way out in case things ever get hopeless. Also whenever the possibility exists of going back to a situation that's not conducive to going forward, I've been known to react with an attitude of I'm doing this whether everybody else likes it or not. (And whether it puts me in a grave or not. :( )
But I've developed a coping mechanism. I've seen the physical changes, I've seen my real self and how I'm outwardly becoming more and more congruent. I try seeing my true self from the point of view of an outsider, and I find I can't make her cease to be. She has a right to exist, and she's me. :)
Yeah, I used the chatroom this morning to help dry the tears. :) Thanks.
Melissa
Quote from: Melissa on September 01, 2006, 03:04:14 PM
When I figured out my gender issues, I'm sure my parents thought it was just another "hoddy", so I think they're waiting for me to lose interest.
Same here, They my mom mentioned one of the times I thought about starting up a business with one of my friends but we never went anywhere with it... I admit I'v done that type of thing many times, therefore I can't really blame them for thinking this would be no different. they just dont know how deep rooted and long therm this thing really is. though I only recently came to know what "this" is I've been dealing with it for as long as i can remember, as repressed as it may have been.
Like you said you wanted to get started because of your age and didn't want forther hormone "dammage", yeah I feel very much the same way, I do however want to make sure I'm right before diving in....so I'm giving myself 6 months from the time I came out to my parental units before I start anything, If I still feel the same, then green light. 6 months far excedes my normal temporary hobby's life span. ahh a reason to look forward to the new year.
Hi Mellisa I really feel for you I went through the same thing and ended up loosing house property and kids. But it was way different in my day it was almost a hands down loose situation when it came to fathers getting custody of children unless the mother was proven unfit. The law has changed a lot in that respect today.
First where do you live, and two, do you have a lawyer?
My partner understand a few things about divorces and effective lawyers. If we can help you just let us know.
Cin
I know I've mentioned this before, but me and my wife seem to have a very volatile relationship. First of all, with her dating other guys, I have no problem. I want her to be happy and I could never fullfill the role of a man. Besides, I am open to the same freedom and it's not really "cheating" as we are open about it and agreed to it - basically an "open relationship". So, I'm all stressed out about her and we end up going out tonight a girlfriends. It worked out well and I had a great time. I'll post about the evening in another thread as I did some things I hadn't done before and passed. We go from hating each other to being best friends in the blink of an eye. I don't understand it, but that's how it is. :P
Melissa
Melissa,
Hi!! It's Julie from the BL boards.
I dont think there is any rigid criteria that determines who or what a transsexual is or how transsexualisim is truly percieved by peers or the"gatekeepers".
With that said, your experience is unique to you just as mine is to me.
How we grew up and how we percieved ourselves is as diverse as there are fish in the sea.
Just because you didnt play with dolls doesnt mean that you are male or female it just means you didnt play with dolls. Just because a T-girl worked on cars and dated alot of women doesnt mean she is any less of a woman.
Yes Melissa you did try very very hard to "work" within the boundries given to you early on.
You came to the realization that you are TS and you are.
You know your soul and that is of a female.
Melissa, honour the tremindous gift that was bestowed upon you by continuing to be who you are!! :)
Much love to you Melissa!!
Julie
Thanks Julie and it's good to see you here. Yes, I know without a doubt that I am female. I suspected I was at first, and started trying to see how the world reflected back on me when I tried to be female and it responded with "yes I am female". Everyone sees me as female on a day-to-day basis and I am far happier than I ever was as male. That is the important part. It just feels right. I find it far easier being female for me than "trying" to be male.
I am now finding out that there are a lot more people like me. I think when it was originally assumed that there were "early transitioner" and "late transitioners", there seems to be a lot of people in the middle who tried living their life like me. Where we tried being somebody we were not just because we were told we were supposed to be and I think we tend to come off as "unconventional". I think that's one reason there has been so much response to this thread.
So my point is that, regardless of my past, I eventually came to realize that I am in fact female. Thank you again for your comments Julie.
Melissa
Hi Melisa hun as long as you feel comfortable with who you are (the true inner self) Then that is who you are. My favorite saying in other groups I go to is I am who I am
Transitioning and integrating with other women was not difficult for me since I spent more time with women then I did with guys. As a male my appearance was androgynous, always wore my hair shoulder length. Worked at different jobs where it was mostly female employees and the last five years of my employment as a woman was as a social worker, I believe I mentioned that before a few posts ago.
I have long ago stopped identifying as transsexual. I just came back to this group more from curiosity to see if there was anyone still here from when I was here six years ago.
Cin
That's good to hear Cin. I spent more time with men, yet adapted to living among women with surprising ease. I hope you're able to stick around.
Melissa
Hi Mellisa hun, I'll be around for a while. I'm kind of like a rescuer I go to more boards on Yahoo Groups then I can remember to count them. Got two Yahoo groups of my own, keeps me busy especially during the cold weather time.
I thought I would check if I knew anyone from six years ago but not. May as well stick around and see if there is anyone that can learn from an old bat like me....er I mean elder lady. ;D
Cin