After years of avoiding it, I finally bit the &^$$# bullet and made an appointment to have my lower half checked out. The very idea of a gyno exam makes my stomach clench up and my heart race. I'm looking for any advice from transmen that might help me get through it.
I've read all the advice for first-timers--they say to relax, take deep breaths, stuff like that. Jeez. If I thought I could relax, I wouldn't BE at a site like that, looking for advice for first-timers. Anyway, I've had this exam before. It was never a hoot, but it never particularly bothered me, either. When I was much younger, I developed some kind of coping mechanism that got me through stuff like this. That strategy went away when I came out of the closet.
I'm embarrassed to be asking because I'm a very private person and don't like to spread my sh** around for all to see. But I'm swallowing my pride for once. Help, anyone?
I had to have my last one before my hysto. Laughing and joking about it worked for me, but I guess it depends on the doctor. I said "is this as awkward for you as it is for me?" She laughed and we laughed. She said "yeah, definitely."
In our situation, I think you have to find humour in everything. You could ask her if she found Jimmy Hoffa... :)
Dennis
I like Den's idea. I'm usually more focused on the discomfort of some cold metal apparatus being in there than anything else. Once that part's done, I'm relieved. And I look forward to the part where she reaches up and touches the womb. It feels strange and makes me think of a jellyfish. So, it's not all bad.
I suppose I try to disassociate from the parts in question. I also try to remember that the doctor has seen more bits and pieces than you can shake a stick at. For her it's more like a mechanic peeking under the hood, than looking at somebody's naughty bits. So I try to look at it like that. It's just parts.
I feel you, though. This June I'm going to have to take "her" in for a checkup, and come out to my regular doctor at the same time.
Disassociating works. Joking works. I usually said something like, I'll bet your patients are never glad to see you! and stuff like that. And staring at the ceiling -- they usually have pics up there.
Kinda like the guy exam. Turn your head to the side and cough. Cough!
Jay
I have no good advice, I've managed to avoid it so far
xanax. valium. to quote my physician, "Requesting a man on the transgender spectrum with extreme dysphoria about his body to endure a gynecological exam without offering a sedative is malpractice."
Post Merge: April 25, 2009, 01:16:39 PM
IMO, exams became worse for me post-T.... because they have to grab your junk and move it. There is nothing worse than while inserting a speculum, they grab your dick. Disparity, anyone?
Quote from: Mister on April 25, 2009, 12:14:27 PM
xanax. valium. to quote my physician, "Requesting a man on the transgender spectrum with extreme dysphoria about his body to endure a gynecological exam without offering a sedative is malpractice."
Post Merge: April 25, 2009, 01:16:39 PM
IMO, exams became worse for me post-T.... because they have to grab your junk and move it. There is nothing worse than while inserting a speculum, they grab your dick. Disparity, anyone?
I'm definitely worse post-T. I'm so dysphoric now that I haven't been having sex with my partner. This appointment is practically all I can think about right now. Fortunately, I'm still small enough that my stuff won't get in the way. Small favors, eh? Hahahahaha.
I'd like to avoid a trank...I have to drive home afterward so I can deal with this in my own way in my own space...don't think I can cope with sticking around and waiting for the trank to wear off...and I like to think I'm not so bad off that I need one.
Crap. Crap. Crap.
Quote from: Arch on April 25, 2009, 01:22:04 PM
I'm definitely worse post-T. I'm so dysphoric now that I haven't been having sex with my partner. This appointment is practically all I can think about right now. Fortunately, I'm still small enough that my stuff won't get in the way. Small favors, eh? Hahahahaha.
I'd like to avoid a trank...I have to drive home afterward so I can deal with this in my own way in my own space...don't think I can cope with sticking around and waiting for the trank to wear off...and I like to think I'm not so bad off that I need one.
Crap. Crap. Crap.
Well, what I did before I was male ID'd and suffered through them was basically told my doctor not to tell me what she was doing, take time to make sure I was ok, etc., but to do her thing as quickly as she possibly could since I would be bawling through the entire thing. After the exam, i went home, showered, had a beer or two and spent the rest of the day on the couch watching crappy TV.
I just had mine last week for the very first time... My GF & sister told me that it was painful and I expected the worse but the pain wasn't the worse, it was the embarassment of spreading out while a stranger is poking me down there. I don't even get undressed on intimate moments & don't want getting touch there but there I was spread like an eagle. Anyway, the doctor was actually nice and I joke around with her to ease up the tense and she talked me through it. While she was doing the examination, I closed my eyes, breath through my nose out my mouth and thought of something else but Mister's advice of taking xanax or valium before the exam is a great advice.
Well, I'm glad it's over but then again, it's a yearly thing so I am not out of the woods yet.
Quote from: Mister on April 25, 2009, 01:26:18 PM
Well, what I did before I was male ID'd and suffered through them was basically told my doctor not to tell me what she was doing, take time to make sure I was ok, etc., but to do her thing as quickly as she possibly could since I would be bawling through the entire thing.
I think that's my worst fear, that I'll lose my composure.
I had a mammogram recently. The weeks of waiting nearly did me in, and the receptionist acted funny when she realized I wasn't male-bodied and needed a female test despite my name and my presentation. That just made me freakier. So I'm in there getting scanned or whatever, and inside my head I'm saying, "I'm not a girl, I'm not a girl, I'm not a girl."
Later, when I talked to my therapist, he said, "Perhaps you could try something more positive, like 'I'm a boy, I'm a boy, I'm a boy'?"
I guess he has a point.
I do NOT want to fall apart. It would be nice to have a sense of humor about this appointment, as some of you have suggested. Sometimes, when I'm highly stressed, I become incredibly comedic. I was hoping my comedy routine would kick in when I went in for the mammo.
It didn't.
I don't think it's going to work with this, either. It would be great if it did, but I'm not expecting it.
Sorry, I know I'm being a big baby about this, but I got through years and years of Pap smears without so much as a sniffle or a wince. I would just like to do that again.
Well, I exaggerate. Those appointments started getting harder and harder as my defenses and my denial slowly started to crumble. But starting transition seems to have changed everything. I expected my life to get better after I started transition, and I'm sure it will at some point. But right now I'm still on the roller coaster from hell. Grr.
I'm not a girl, I'm not a girl, I'm not a girl...
Having a trans friendly gyno helped me a lot. It was still pretty horrible, but I wasn't a complete wreck. Unfortunately, GYN exams are something you're going to have to deal with until you have a hysto... maybe you can talk to your doc about setting that up ASAP.
Mister, I'm not planning to get a hysto. Certainly not anytime soon and maybe never.
I guess I'm gonna have to learn to live with that choice, huh?
Maybe I won't need a Pap every year. Guess I should do some research and see what is recommended for people in my age group.
If I can get through this one, then the ones that follow shouldn't be too bad, you think?
Quote from: Arch on April 25, 2009, 02:43:55 PM
I'm not planning to get a hysto. Certainly not anytime soon and maybe never.
I'm sure you have your reasons for that but IME getting rid of those parts helped immensely with my dysphoria about my downstairs parts. If you've got insurance, it might be better sooner than later.
Just something to think about.
Jay
I have had to have several exams and will have to continue until I have a hysto because of medical issues below the waist. I think of it as basically just another part of my body that has to get looked at so it can function properly. Disassociation I guess, I just pretend it's no different than getting my arm examined. It's the only way I can get through it.
Myles
Quote from: sneakersjay on April 25, 2009, 03:12:33 PM
I'm sure you have your reasons for that but IME getting rid of those parts helped immensely with my dysphoria about my downstairs parts. If you've got insurance, it might be better sooner than later.
Just something to think about.
Jay
But there has to be a "legitimate" reason before insurance covers hysto, correct? I believe being transsexual is still not considered legitimate by insurance company.
Quote from: pong on April 25, 2009, 04:29:55 PM
But there has to be a "legitimate" reason before insurance covers hysto, correct? I believe being transsexual is still not considered legitimate by insurance company.
Yep. The vast majority of U.S. insurance plans will not cover trans hysto.
I have no medical complaints with my equipment down there, and I'm not fool enough to hope my doc finds anything wrong. My insurance will not cover trans hysto. And I feel guilty enough that I'm going to blow eight or ten thousand on top surgery. I'm not sure how much hysto would cost, but it would probably wipe us out utterly even if my partner were fully on board with it. After the stock market took a dive, I'm not eager to invest the rest of our "safe" money on a surgery that I don't need and (at this point, anyway) manifestly don't want.
I did some poking around. Seems that there are relatively new guidelines for Pap smears that I didn't previously know about...they recommend every two or three years as long as everything is normal. I've found a few sites that make the same recommendation for transmen, but I'm reluctant to trust them. Is this true for transmen on T? I would love to get away with every three years--that wouldn't be so bad.
All I have to do is stop obsessing about next month's appointment. I would love to get some real work done for a change.
Quote from: myles on April 25, 2009, 03:36:24 PM
I have had to have several exams and will have to continue until I have a hysto because of medical issues below the waist. I think of it as basically just another part of my body that has to get looked at so it can function properly. Disassociation I guess, I just pretend it's no different than getting my arm examined. It's the only way I can get through it.
Myles
That's good advice, to think of it as just another part of your body, like your knee or something. Or maybe pretend your doctor is rummaging through a box of car parts or vegetables or something stupid like that, and you just happen to be holding the box between your thighs. Any silly image which works for you.
As an ex-gynae nurse I can assure you that one body part IS pretty much like another to a medical professional. If your doctor approaches you with gentleness, respect, understanding and well-placed humour, you're off to a good start.
And if all else fails, just remind yourself that it will all be over in a matter of minutes.
My first gyno was a trans-identified queer female bodied person. That REALLY helped with the whole "THIS IS AWFUL" feeling because... she was somewhat in the same boat.
I've had a couple since then, but I just try to disassociate for the most part and know it'll be over soon.
I must be weird in that I have no issues with this stuff. Then again when I was young I had a lot of issues down there so I had been examined before. But also I'm pretty disconnected from that stuff anyways and didn't even have a problem with it at that time either. Someone messing around down there has never bothered me, it's like someone messing with my foot or something. *shrugs*
Quote from: minniemouse on April 25, 2009, 07:48:44 PM
And if all else fails, just remind yourself that it will all be over in a matter of minutes.
The exam itself was actually a few seconds although it felt eternal. But yeah, disassociation (and maybe xanax before the exam) woud help.
O.K. Here's another suggestion: What if you pretend she's poking around at your prostate? Just as embarrassing, but maybe not as dysphoria inducing. Just a thought.
Personally here in the UK Smear tests don't need to be done until you reach 25. Lucky I have 3 years to go.. but am planning on having my hysto in that time. So will have to have one done sometime :(
Jay
Quote from: Jay on April 26, 2009, 12:29:39 PM
Personally here in the UK Smear tests don't need to be done until you reach 25. Lucky I have 3 years to go.. but am planning on having my hysto in that time. So will have to have one done sometime :(
Jay
Jay, if you're planning on having your hysto done in the next 3 years, why will you still need to have a smear test? I decided many years ago that I couldn't handle it, and having read up on the risks decided that I'd rather live with the risk than have the test. I DO NOT recommend this to anyone else, although each of us has to make our own mind up as to what's right for them.
I had my hysto last December, having never had a smear test or internal exam of any kind - I didn't even need one in order to have the hysto.
:)
Quote from: Jamie-o on April 26, 2009, 03:15:42 AM
O.K. Here's another suggestion: What if you pretend she's poking around at your prostate? Just as embarrassing, but maybe not as dysphoria inducing. Just a thought.
I was thinking that I would try to disassociate; that strategy might be what I was practicing for all those years gone by, although I never did it consciously. But I like this better. It sounds like something I've done before for a different problem. It only worked for so long, but I only need this to work for a little while.
It might even help with some of my current anxiety, if I keep telling myself that my doc will be poking at my boy parts.
Thanks for all the feedback, guys. I didn't really want to post about this because it's so personal--and also because I was so disgusted with myself about reacting as I did. But I started feeling so strung out about it that I had to do something.
I know transguys who have never been checked out down there, even some guys who have problems that they never get checked out. I worry about them. It's their choice, of course. But I want to make sure I stay relatively healthy. And I don't like being ruled by my fears. I lived that way for far too long when I was in the closet.
Post Merge: April 26, 2009, 12:07:43 PM
Quote from: Flameboy on April 26, 2009, 12:56:55 PM
I had my hysto last December, having never had a smear test or internal exam of any kind - I didn't even need one in order to have the hysto.
You might have a hard time arranging that here in the States! Doctors are pretty dogmatic about some things here. But it sounds like you got what you needed.
Quote from: Arch on April 26, 2009, 01:05:56 PM
You might have a hard time arranging that here in the States! Doctors are pretty dogmatic about some things here. But it sounds like you got what you needed.
Well, the consultant I saw was great - he had no problems with the pronouns, and ever worded things well - for example, he asked me a question that began "so, when you were living as female". I told him I'd never had penetrative vaginal sex, and so he said that because of that I would probably not be a good candidate for a trans-vaginal hysto, and therefore he'd do it laparoscopically. Because of that, he said there was no need for an internal exam, which was a great relief to me!
:)
Flameboy: What exactly are the risks? I seem to be pathetically underinformed on what pap smears and gyno checks are actually for...except I suppose checking for STDs.
While we're on the subject of embarrassing exams for FTMs, I have read that we should get mammograms even after chest surgery. Um, unless the surgeon messed up and left too much tissue behind, how is it even possible to do one?! I was so looking forward to NOT having to go through this after top surgery...
Quote from: Arch on April 26, 2009, 03:24:24 PM
While we're on the subject of embarrassing exams for FTMs, I have read that we should get mammograms even after chest surgery. Um, unless the surgeon messed up and left too much tissue behind, how is it even possible to do one?! I was so looking forward to NOT having to go through this after top surgery...
ultrasound/mri
Quote from: Asher on April 26, 2009, 03:14:24 PM
Flameboy: What exactly are the risks? I seem to be pathetically underinformed on what pap smears and gyno checks are actually for...except I suppose checking for STDs.
Pap smears check for abnormal cells on your cervix as an early warning for cervical cancer. If you are having vaginal sex with a man then it is recommended you get regular pap smear tests, as I think you have a higher chance of having abnormal cells on your cervix (I'm not sure why this is - perhaps sperm is cancer causing ;)).
Arch, hystos get covered all the time. Not sure where you're getting your misinformation from, but that's exactly what it is.
I think you should definitely think about what is best for you. All I can say is I usually get them annually, I am behind from having been out of the country. One year my test came back with my results being 1 level below/from cancer, which apparently it normally takes more than a year to get that far. I dealt with it right away, had I not who knows where I would have ended up. There is a good reason to have them done annually so you can catch things before they get out of hand. I believe I was 27 when it happened. I did and do not have sex with men,as someone mentioned something about that above. So just be careful with decisions you make!
Myles
I recently read in the paper that some doctors are recommending a new blood test to screen for cervical cancer instead of annual Pap-smears. In a few years those tests may very well be a thing of the past. Won't that be nice.
Quote from: Mister on April 26, 2009, 04:05:17 PM
Arch, hystos get covered all the time. Not sure where you're getting your misinformation from, but that's exactly what it is.
Can you be more specific about what you're responding to? I think I know which post, but I'm not sure.
Anyone I know whose insurance does not cover trans-related treatments has had to pay for hysto out of pocket--with one exception, I think. I do know a lot of guys who have problems down there and whose hystos were covered by insurance. I've never had the problems they have. No pain, no excessive bleeding, no cysts, no endometriosis. My organs have always been disgustingly normal and healthy.
And anyway, I don't want hysto at this time. If I do decide to have it, I'll explore my options then.
Jamie-o, I heard about the CSA blood test years ago and kept wondering when it would be available in the United States. As far as I knew, it still hadn't been approved by the FDA. Is it available now? I'll be curious to see what economic effect such a test will have on GYN practices across the nation...
Got an MP3 player?
That, and some headphones may just be your best friend.
Give some thought as to music with lyrics that you can really get lost in, or really complex notes... Led Zeppelin, Rush, etc.
Quote from: Nicky on April 26, 2009, 03:58:10 PM
Pap smears check for abnormal cells on your cervix as an early warning for cervical cancer. If you are having vaginal sex with a man then it is recommended you get regular pap smear tests, as I think you have a higher chance of having abnormal cells on your cervix (I'm not sure why this is - perhaps sperm is cancer causing ;)).
Yes, pap smears are to detect early signs of cervical cancer. Caught early enough, it's a successfully treatable condition. Although any female-bodied person can get cervical cancer, one of the major causes of it is the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV) which, like other STDs, you can get from having unprotected vaginal sex with a carrier. You might get genital warts, you might develop cancer.
A vaccine has been developed and is now being used in several countries. Here in Australia it is currently freely available to teenage girls (it will cost later on) so I suggest that anyone who feels uncomfortable about gyno exams gets themselves some local advice about the availability of the new vaccine. If you can get it, get it. Please. I've seen too many people dying of cervical cancer and it scares me to think that people I love might be putting themselves at risk because of their understandable reluctance to be examined.
I have yet to go to a gyno.. but first thing they'll hear from me is "So.. do you always skip dinner and the movie?" Oh yeah.. still not looking forward to cold tools and such.. lol
Quote from: Muddy on April 26, 2009, 08:58:20 PM
Got an MP3 player?
That, and some headphones may just be your best friend.
Give some thought as to music with lyrics that you can really get lost in, or really complex notes... Led Zeppelin, Rush, etc.
Damn, that's a good idea. Unfortunately, I don't have an MP3, and headphones and ear buds cause me pain. I suppose that could be a good thing; I don't run the risk of blasting my eardrums out. Except with real speakers...
Anyway, maybe I should go into my appointment with a favorite song playing in my head. It might get monotonous, but it will give me some strength. In fact, right now I can think of a great piece of music to take with me...thanks for the tip.
P.S. I am much less stressed about my appointment. I'm sure I'll start to panic a week or a few days in advance, but for now I'm pretty good. Thank the gods for that...I was getting too distracted from all of my OTHER worries. :P