....but why the hell do I not mind to much being male lately and then suddenly the desire to transition comes and bites me hard and fast, with pretty much little or no warning? I was in a room where girls outnumbered the guys, I saw them and such, and bam, there goes the whole ordeal all over again. I had thought for 3 weeks in a row I could live fine as a guy, and that perhaps I'm androgyne or someone with qualities of both genders and blur the line completely on gender altogether. But meh here comes this again.
I'm alright again with being male at this time, but I'm just, I don't know what to expect lol. I almost get the feeling that SHE is saying inside me "I'm not going to leave you alone and I will continue to show up when you least expect me, until you acknowledge me, accept me, AND do something about it."
Good news, I'm actually seeing a counselor/therapist this week, and while not a GID expert or anything, at least I can get a move on with getting my stuff together hopefully.
Unfortunately the feeling never really goes away. No matter how much you fight it. I'm in my forties and wishing I'd transitioned long ago. I had the money and the desire then. But was too afraid. Now I feel like I robbed myself of a happier life and wasted too much time and money trying to please others who took a crap on me anyway :P
Quote from: findingreason on May 04, 2009, 10:19:11 PM
....but why the hell do I not mind to much being male lately and then suddenly the desire to transition comes and bites me hard and fast, with pretty much little or no warning? I was in a room where girls outnumbered the guys, I saw them and such, and bam, there goes the whole ordeal all over again. I had thought for 3 weeks in a row I could live fine as a guy, and that perhaps I'm androgyne or someone with qualities of both genders and blur the line completely on gender altogether. But meh here comes this again.
I'm alright again with being male at this time, but I'm just, I don't know what to expect lol. I almost get the feeling that SHE is saying inside me "I'm not going to leave you alone and I will continue to show up when you least expect me, until you acknowledge me, accept me, AND do something about it."
Good news, I'm actually seeing a counselor/therapist this week, and while not a GID expert or anything, at least I can get a move on with getting my stuff together hopefully.
I refer to this as an attack of my GID symptoms. GID symptoms seem to come in waves. Sometimes it is a like a slight buzzing in the back of my mind, barely detectable unless I focus on it while other times some stimulus (or sometimes seemingly nothing at all) will occur and it comes screaming back to the forefront and it becomes hard to think of anything else.
I have found that the longer I go with my GID in the dormant stage typically the stronger it returns once it comes back. The alleviate this and prevent massive "GID blowback," when I'm in one of the periods where my GID symptoms are less severe, I still act like I am dealing with the symptoms. For instance, I still try to do things that help me feel at peace with myself as a female, or do feminine things even if, at that moment, they feel unnecessary. By doing this, when the GID returns, it isn't nearly as intense as I've been continuing to ease it even when it wasn't that strong.
It is kind of like walking on a broken foot. It can be easy to walk on it so long as you don't feel any pain - you might even thing it isn't broken anymore, but you are still damaging it. Eventually, you walk on it enough, the pain shoots up through your leg and you realize, holy crap, my food is still broken. It is how I see my GID. It is like my broken foot. Sometimes it doesn't hurt so I just act like it isn't there, and walk on it. But when I do that, I'm actually making the GID worse, so when I do feel that shot of pain, it is intense. Now, had I been nursing my foot even when it wasn't in pain, I wouldn't have worsened the break, or in other words, made my GID symptoms worse.
Quote from: Virginia Marie on May 04, 2009, 10:53:54 PM
Unfortunately the feeling never really goes away. No matter how much you fight it. I'm in my forties and wishing I'd transitioned long ago. I had the money and the desire then. But was too afraid. Now I feel like I robbed myself of a happier life and wasted too much time and money trying to please others who took a crap on me anyway :P
Yeah, unfortunately.....if I look back at my posts a year ago when I joined here, I was dealing with it. If I look back another year, I was dealing with it. If I look back 8 years, I was dealing with it, but did not realize that yet. I don't like it, in fact I hate even the idea of saying such a thing is possible.
I have envy in some ways of an SO of mine who is male, I know I believe I am a mix of the two genders. But I worry that what if it comes from a inferiority complex as I am now with the world and how I raised? Thing is I've convinced myself that's what it was the last time, and then I stopped HRT as well, and 3 weeks later regardless....here I am now. :-\
Back for more. Maybe now is the time. But only you can truly decide ;)
We have discussed this before. GID comes in waves, and regardless of what some may think there is no escaping it or ignoring it.
None of us asked for this, but we have it. Most people have no idea what it is like for us. They have the lies they tell themselves, but until they are here, they will never understand. People will suffer for years, before they make the decision to do something about GID. I suffered for years with the back and forth nonsense. But I made the choice to allow myself to totally surrender to my GID.
There is but one cure for this affliction. And that is to quit fighting it. The more one fights the worse it will become. You don't know how many times I convinced myself that 'this is going to be the last time'. That is so much crap. The only last time, for me, was when I made the choice to transition.
My dear Interalia,
I truly wish the best for you and the choices that you have been made. But I think that there will come a time when it will be too much for you to bear. May your faith keep you strong, my Dear. You are an intelligent young person, with a good life ahead of you. Don't be blindsided by a lull in the fighting.
As for you. most beloved Findingreason, you will go through some tough times ahead, as long as you think you have control of your GID. But as Virginia said, it is your choice and your's alone.
As you said you have been back time and time again. You need to truly find the reasons you keep fighting it. No Bull, just pure honesty with yourself. No blaming others. You and you alone keep yourself fighting. I have my own ideas, but there are mine alone.
But you are still family and we only want the best for you.
Just My Humble Opinion,
Janet
I once saw a psychoanalyst many years ago who had this theory that GID was connected to the seasons. Fairly crazy stuff but he could possibly have a point. If one looks at animal behaviour, it's very much season orientated and at the end of the day we too are mammals, albeit highly evolved ones.
Yes, I believe in evolution! :)
Quote from: imaz on May 05, 2009, 02:49:13 AM
I once saw a psychoanalyst many years ago who had this theory that GID was connected to the seasons. Fairly crazy stuff but he could possibly have a point. If one looks at animal behaviour, it's very much season orientated and at the end of the day we too are mammals, albeit highly evolved ones.
Yes, I believe in evolution! :)
Well people tend to be more depressed as the amount of daylight dwindles in the later months of the year. Depression tends to provoke more GID symptoms so... I guess that theory works. ;)
Quote from: interalia on May 05, 2009, 02:57:32 AM
Well people tend to be more depressed as the amount of daylight dwindles in the later months of the year. Depression tends to provoke more GID symptoms so... I guess that theory works. ;)
True, but I was referring to Spring as well! ;)
i get more depressed as the amount of daylight increases.
It's easier for a smoker to quit if that person isn't around tobacco or tobacco smoke.
I imagine it'd be easier to stop wanting to be a girl if you weren't around women.
Post Merge: May 05, 2009, 06:09:30 PM
Quote from: Nero on May 05, 2009, 05:55:31 PM
i get more depressed as the amount of daylight increases.
Woah.
Now that is strong emo.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.icanhascheezburger.com%2Fcompletestore%2F2009%2F4%2F18%2F128845604610721600.jpg&hash=08c306a87defd850b647b2d60b39d59092cbd768)
Quote from: Nero on May 05, 2009, 05:55:31 PM
i get more depressed as the amount of daylight increases.
Same here.
Quote from: findingreason on May 04, 2009, 10:19:11 PM
....but why the hell do I not mind to much being male lately and then suddenly the desire to transition comes and bites me hard and fast, with pretty much little or no warning? I was in a room where girls outnumbered the guys, I saw them and such, and bam, there goes the whole ordeal all over again. I had thought for 3 weeks in a row I could live fine as a guy, and that perhaps I'm androgyne or someone with qualities of both genders and blur the line completely on gender altogether. But meh here comes this again.
I'm alright again with being male at this time, but I'm just, I don't know what to expect lol. I almost get the feeling that SHE is saying inside me "I'm not going to leave you alone and I will continue to show up when you least expect me, until you acknowledge me, accept me, AND do something about it."
Good news, I'm actually seeing a counselor/therapist this week, and while not a GID expert or anything, at least I can get a move on with getting my stuff together hopefully.
It strikes me that Gender Identity Disorder seems to impose on a person's life more strongly when the Identity part is focused on. And when it doesn't, that's not because it's not there, but because you're not thinking about it. There are many, many things in life that people do which don't involve any aspect of introvertive reflection at all. And when your view is shifted outside yourself, when your attention is focused on something outside a pursuit that leads to any questioning of your sense of self... I suppose the feelings of dysphoria are likely to be lessened.
Sometimes we just stop thinking about ourselves and think about what it is we're doing. Then... you're distracted.
Just a thought. :)
Quote from: Leiandra on May 06, 2009, 02:01:26 AM
It strikes me that Gender Identity Disorder seems to impose on a person's life more strongly when the Identity part is focused on. And when it doesn't, that's not because it's not there, but because you're not thinking about it. There are many, many things in life that people do which don't involve any aspect of introvertive reflection at all. And when your view is shifted outside yourself, when your attention is focused on something outside a pursuit that leads to any questioning of your sense of self... I suppose the feelings of dysphoria are likely to be lessened.
Sometimes we just stop thinking about ourselves and think about what it is we're doing. Then... you're distracted.
Just a thought. :)
Truer words...
Indeed.
I've wondered if maybe in keeping my mind constantly occupied outside of myself I could find some peace. But every night before I sleep, there's nothing but introspection to occupy me. . .
Quote from: Nero on May 05, 2009, 05:55:31 PM
i get more depressed as the amount of daylight increases.
The world takes all kinds of people. The dark puts me to sleep and I wake up with light. I rarely am depressed perhaps once every 5 years or so and it would only last a few hours. I enjoy breathing and walking it clears the head.
Hey findingreason,
I experience those "waves" you speak of as well. At times I feel that I can live just fine in my female body, and then a couple of weeks (or days) later, the need to be male hits me like a ton of bricks.
It's frustrating. It's confusing me, because after all, if I truly am transsexual, wouldn't I feel the need to be male all the time? Why are there times that being perceived as female isn't too bad?
It would be so much more clearer and, well, relaxing almost, to feel either okay in my body, or bad about my body. One or the other, you know? This is just plain frustrating and tiring.
So yeah, anyway, I understand how you feel. Just wanted to let you know that.
PolarBear
Quote from: Leiandra on May 06, 2009, 02:01:26 AM
And when it doesn't, that's not because it's not there, but because you're not thinking about it.
Yes, in my experience, it's always there, under the surface. It doesn't always have a position of prominence though, for example when i am playing music, I'm not any gender at all.
Z
Quote from: PolarBear on May 10, 2009, 04:11:37 AM
It's frustrating. It's confusing me, because after all, if I truly am transsexual, wouldn't I feel the need to be male all the time? Why are there times that being perceived as female isn't too bad?
I don't think anyone feels the urge to be the other gender constantly. It seems like it is an especially tough thing for people to accept when they blur the gender lines a little more. I have very masculine traits and usually enjoy the "male" activities more which made me sometimes question my transsexuality and it made it a lot easier to repress. I mean, if you are a guy that absolutely loves everything that is female, I'm sure it is considerably more obvious that you are transsexual. I think the more resistance people are faced with the more difficult it is to accept as well, and I know you are getting a lot from your mom and others. My male qualities still don't make me identify with females any less in the end. It just took awhile to realize that. I honestly may have never come out if it wasn't for me getting a serious girlfriend. Being around an attractive girl constantly...ugh. The jealousy sucked. Sex made it oh so much more severe too.
You'll figure it out FR.
I think a lot of the time we are just living our lives. The GID is there, just as other parts of our makeup are there, but it isn't always in the forefront.
There could be a seasonal component, but I found it would push itself forward more when I was vulnerable for some reason - kind of kicking me when I was already down. :P
GID will always be there until we deal with it, but we aren't always ready to deal with it when it rears its ugly head. Don't be hard on yourself. Do what you can when you can. Take care of business and deal with the GID when the time seems right for you.
Take control of your life! (I have to keep telling myself that because I've never been any good at it. ::))
- Kate
If you're like many of us the feeling never goes away. Maybe we must accept that it is part of us, or go insane, which ever comes first.
Quote from: Genevieve Swann on May 13, 2009, 08:56:14 AM
If you're like many of us the feeling never goes away. Maybe we must accept that it is part of us, or go insane, which ever comes first.
I'm beginning to see the truth in this. Done a lot of soul searching the last couple of days (I've been ill, and with nothing to do but lie in bed... well, no distractions, right?)
Anyway, I've done a lot of soul searching the last couple of days and I'm now really beginning to accept my GID. Not only that, but I'm beginning to accept that I feel male and that I might be/could be happier living life as a male.
I should be able to start therapy in a month or so, been on the waiting list 4 months already. Things will probably become even more clear then, but yeah, something shifted in me and it ain't all bad.
PolarBear, still ill and home from work, but calmer in his mind.
I would describe the times when I am "okay" with being male as the times when I am coping well. I never had a problem with being male in the moment, but I cannot bear to be male in every moment. I built my whole male identity around doing, starting with the fact that I presented as male to make people I cared about happy (or to keep them from worrying about me, or worse, thinking I was damaged goods). There are some things I can do where it does not matter what I am, and there are things I do because they have to be done no matter how I feel about it.
There are a lot of things that can blind side me and turn me into a complete, paralyzed wreck. Being around girls can turn me upside down, it only takes a moment to see myself in a girl's shoes (so to speak) and as soon as I do, I am hit with the reminder of all the things I am denied because I am not female. At other times, being seen as a man by someone, anyone really, can tear me apart, because in that same instant I see myself through their eyes and what I see is not me. The same thing happens when I see my reflection or a photo. It does not matter much where I am or what I am doing, the feeling of not being me hits like a splash of ice water and suddenly I am fighting to assert my own identity in a situation where I really cannot assert myself.
There was a time when I thought of myself as an invisible girl with an autistic brother. I was always me, but no one ever noticed I existed, and I spent all my time protecting and taking care of my brother, keeping the world from noticing that he was not all there. Eventually, I realized he was the one who did not exist and trying to make it seem like he did was destroying me. In spite of that severe dissociation, the realization allowed me to see that the man I pretended to be for so long had always been a part of me, and in a lot of ways, I make a really great guy. I can be him for hours, days, even weeks if I have to, but the moment I stop acting, I am just me, lost, alone and unknown.
Being him gives me something to do to distract myself from the fact that nothing I can do can make up for what I've been through or for what I've been denied. But, I can only be him when I have the strength to endure reality. I'll be honest, it is much easier to pretend to be him, and be seen as a really great guy, than to try to be myself through him and be seen as a tragic, twisted and confused freak. I spent too much time learning how to read people, particularly men, to not understand instantly how people see me. I say that only to point out that I would find it easier to stay male, be the man I appear to be, and be thankful for the life I've got. It is easy to tell myself I am okay with this, that I've grown up and I am better off being the man I spent a life time learning how to be than I would be trying to become a woman who missed out on all the experiences she needed from life.
It sounds logical, but to be that man, I have to cease to be myself. It's not hard. It's like holding my breath... um... yeah, not really a good, long term solution. Why does the girl in you keep coming back? Well, she's telling you to "Breathe, Idiot! Breathe!" You can be anything you want to be, anything you can find in yourself, as long as you don't deny who you really are.
Hi findingreason,
I've been reading your recent posts with interest. As with others here, I have been experiencing similar symptoms to you and I have been trying to deal with it in therapy for the last 4 months.
Unlike most folk here, I saw therapy as a means to deal with my GID, rather than a way to get prescribed HRT. Whether I will be successful in this, still remains to be seen.
A year ago, I was starting to realise how deep my GID feelings went, and I was trying to understand why they had surfaced. I was convinced that I could fight them as I have done all my life both consciously, and subconsciously. Two things appear to have happened in the last year that make this tougher than I expected.
Firstly, I think my subconscious has stopped fighting and my female side has become dominant.
Secondly, my major driving force to fight the GID was a clear view of my future as a male, and the love of my family. My GID appears to have attacked this by making every day reality seem like a dream. It just seems like I am outside my body at times, watching my life go by. I have even found myself questioning whether I have the capacity for love these days.
So the net effect is I have ended up questioning everything I do and want, and nothing seems to give any satisfaction other than the ability to survive another day in the hope that my mind will clear. My will to fight seems weaker than ever, and while I have never seen myself as depressed, I do seem to be getting moments where the desire to continue living eludes me.
I really hope therapy will help you. I'm sure it will help you examine you feelings and motivations, but as has been said earlier in this topic; from what I am finding, such self analysis is more likely to lead to acceptance, than the alleviation of your feelings.
Quote from: Annwyn on May 05, 2009, 06:08:33 PM
It's easier for a smoker to quit if that person isn't around tobacco or tobacco smoke.
I imagine it'd be easier to stop wanting to be a girl if you weren't around women.
Interesting that my GID is kicks-off more when I am with a group of guy's. With the guy's I end up feeling out of place, with the girls I just "blend" without thinking about it until afterwards.
Good Luck Honey :icon_bunch:
:icon_hug:
Chrissty
Quote from: Nero on May 05, 2009, 05:55:31 PM
i get more depressed as the amount of daylight increases.
I get depressed as the amount of icecream decreases.
I wonder if GID is different in some way for people who transition at different ages. Maybe I'm thinking about it all wrong, but is it possible that younger transitioners experience a slightly more "continuous" type that develops early in childhood? Or maybe it's just a difference of circumstances that allow people to transition at different ages.
I can't really recall being in 'question' over my gender beyond the onset of puberty... I wasn't a boy no matter if my parents insisted differently. Had I been raised in an informative environment as a child rather than one that hid transsexualism, I probably would have transitioned as soon as I could acquire hormones by whatever nefarious means. As it was, I was 20 when I did learn, and I jumped right into it with not a day passing. And I don't think I would've hesitated even if I was aware of all the consequences down the road (which are now starting to spring up furiously one after the other).
Hmm...
From one study I saw the average age of transition was approximately 33. I can't understand suppressing something like that for so long. I feel a surge regret I missed the window of transitioning in my teens by only a year, for such a stupid reason as just not knowing. Thanks Bible Belt! Tens of thousands of hours of learning stuff in school, of which of I'll use little, and all it would have taken was a few seconds for someone to share with me the most important thing I'd ever know. Sigh.... society's priorities seem really backwards.
Quote from: Inanna on May 19, 2009, 03:35:36 AM
Or maybe it's just a difference of circumstances that allow people to transition at different ages.
Circumstances make a huge difference. I grew up in the 40s and 50s. Christine Jorgensen hit the papers in the 50s, but at the time there were two immutable, unchangeable sexes: male and female. If you had a penis you were male and that was that. Any deviation from that thinking - even if you just had a penis and were attracted to other people who had penises - you were marginalized, shunted to the side, open to police harrassment and arrest for just being you, a pariah. Those were different times.
Admittedly, I was very naive, but all I knew was that I should be a girl and wasn't and there was no way to be a girl other than having my fairy godmother show up with her magic wand. Since she never came around, I adapted. As one's life builds - career, marriage, children, etc. - it gets harder to transition. You also get used to dealing with the fact that you are different. You repress what you can so that you can get on with your life. You know something is wrong with you (in society's eyes) but aren't sure what, but you know for sure that it is not something to talk about or be open about.
Quote from: Inanna on May 19, 2009, 03:35:36 AM
As it was, I was 20 when I did learn, and I jumped right into it with not a day passing. And I don't think I would've hesitated even if I was aware of all the consequences down the road (which are now starting to spring up furiously one after the other).
When I was 20 the word transexuallism didn't even exist. Please don't judge us late-bloomers by the standards of today. We grew up in a very different time. We each proceed at our own pace given our individual history and needs.
End of rant. I will now retire to the parlor if I can find my cane. ;)
- Kate