Hi there,
Just wondering if anyone else experiences this. For several months I can wake up in the morning and my GID seems to have gone for the first five minutes upon waking and then it kicks in again until I go to sleep. May be I'm just odd, lol. Seriously I would like to know why this seems possible.
Stardust
How do you mean GID? Like dysphoric feelings or what? Just waking up in bed, as I see it is a fairly basic experience. I won't go so far as to say genderless, but it certainly is preoccupied with the return to consciousness, so gender and the expression thereof isn't likely to be the first thing on your mind.
Quote from: chrysalis on June 04, 2009, 01:38:44 AM
How do you mean GID? Like dysphoric feelings or what? Just waking up in bed, as I see it is a fairly basic experience. I won't go so far as to say genderless, but it certainly is preoccupied with the return to consciousness, so gender and the expression thereof isn't likely to be the first thing on your mind.
Yes I mean the dysphoric feelings. Interesting though, what you say. Yes I suppose my brain is more interested in waking up than with anything else.
Stardust
I don't know about why your feelings go away for short intervals of time, but it is common for them to disappear and then magically reappear or appear for the first time when nothing was there from before. I remember when I thought I had finally gotten over it and then one day, it hit back hard. Usually everytime it comes back, it hits harder and harder with each one. I know I didn't help that much.
Quote from: lauren3332 on June 04, 2009, 06:08:40 AM
I don't know about why your feelings go away for short intervals of time, but it is common for them to disappear and then magically reappear or appear for the first time when nothing was there from before. I remember when I thought I had finally gotten over it and then one day, it hit back hard. Usually everytime it comes back, it hits harder and harder with each one. I know I didn't help that much.
The thing about GID is that it is with you every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day. It doesn't go away, during your waking hours you think about it, during sleep you dream about it, there is no escape.
Throughout my life I developed coping mechanisms over many years, wether this was my academic studies, work or hobbies that I had. IAt times I could block the feelings out, but in times of stress, sadness, or even seeing a pretty girl in a dress it would always come back to haunt me, harder , longer and more stronger as time passed.
However, there is light at the end of the tunnel, 7 years post op, GID progressively has gone from my life. Living a dream has become a reality and the depression, jealousy and loathing of myself is a past memory. Coping mechanisms are no longer needed, sleep is undisturbed and deep.
I always described GID as a wall in my life which I never thought I would get over, some days I could see over it, somedays it appeared to high to scale. Transition systematically took down that wall brick by brick until I was able to climb through.
Buffy
Wait a minute. Are ya'll saying its still there AFTER transition?
OMG that is so not fair. Why go through all this crap just to wake up one day and worry that it will STILL be there 24x7? I've always said I could be 100x's smarter if 99% of my brain power was not taken up dealing with GID. I want it to go away. I want to think about other things but that.
It is like Newport News running a 50% off sale and you order all kinds of stuff that is marked down and 1 thing that is not on sale, and the one and only thing they send you is the one thing not on sale because they conveniently ran out of stock on the 50% off stuff that you ordered. ::)
Sorry, I am upset about that......and its probably not a very good analogy but still.
I guess maybe I should have started a new thread and asked, of those that have transitioned, how would you rate your GID levels now as compared to before?
Hey, I'm with Lori. What's up? ???
I've only been living as Katherine for six weeks and that's about five weeks and six days of no GID. I certainly hope it doesn't come back. I fully expect that after a year of Katherine and GRS, my GID will be just a dim memory. (I'm good at forgetting things.)
Really? GID after transition? Am I a fool to believe this can be licked? :'(
- Kate
"It has never been easy to be both a woman and a person ... femininity (like masculinity) is, to some extent, a performance." - Judith Thurman writing in The New Yorker
I can sort of relate to what Buffy is saying. Some days you think you can make it and nothings seems quite so bad but other days, you just can't take it anymore. I know all about the jealousy of seeing other women in their dresses even though my thoughts do not involve dresses at all. It is tough when you see other people take for granted something that you crave so badly. Even though I haven't felt dysphoric my whole life, the power these feelings have makes me feel as though it has been going on since my birth. Sometimes I get so down about never being accepted as a woman that I just can't do ->-bleeped-<- anymore. I noticed rather recently that a lot of the girls I talk to at school have similar personalities to myself. I think that because I feel I can't make it as a woman, I live through them in a sense.
Quote from: Buffy on June 04, 2009, 07:21:43 AM
The thing about GID is that it is with you every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day. It doesn't go away, during your waking hours you think about it, during sleep you dream about it, there is no escape.
Yeah I used to think I was trans before I understood that part of it, and what exactly dysphoria is like. For me it used to be, "I want to be a woman and not a man ergo I am a transsexual." but really it's more complicated than that.
I don't
always have to deal with those feelings, in fact they're only with me ~40% of the time, but even then there are parts of being a guy that I like.
So without turning this into a public diary entry I want to sum this up by saying I agree with you, and I think that is an important point to bring up when distinguishing between the different orientations.
I went into this in the topic A body at rest (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,60623.0.html)
I don't feel any GID anymore.
Testosterone is highest in the morning and drops as the day goes on.
Many have theorized that the reason so many transition later in life is that as the T drops you can no longer bury the feelings.
Quote from: Leslie Ann on June 05, 2009, 04:55:58 PM
Testosterone is highest in the morning and drops as the day goes on.
Many have theorized that the reason so many transition later in life is that as the T drops you can no longer bury the feelings.
Curious, why then didn't the giving of T as HRT work for those in the past as a cure for TS?
Quote from: K8 on June 04, 2009, 07:56:59 AM
Hey, I'm with Lori. What's up? ???
I've only been living as Katherine for six weeks and that's about five weeks and six days of no GID. I certainly hope it doesn't come back. I fully expect that after a year of Katherine and GRS, my GID will be just a dim memory. (I'm good at forgetting things.)
Really? GID after transition? Am I a fool to believe this can be licked? :'(
- Kate
I have the same concerns :-\ Am I crazy for thinking this will go away after surgery?? For me transitioning so far has been almost like becoming addicted to a drug- at first a little bit goes a long way but as time progressed I found just putting on makeup and clothes didn't cut it anymore, and the dysphoria would come back stronger than ever. Got my first therapist appt.- felt
awesome for a while. Finally got a letter for HRT and started the very next day- really worked wonders for me and 3 months later still does- but I still have those feelings, sometimes so strong I just want to curl up and die. :icon_blah: Now, I look towards finishing my RLE requirement next year as that is basically the only thing standing between me and full GRS surgery to hopefully remedy this god-awful condition. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.faeriewylde.com%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2Fmed.gif&hash=3c2de13c9193d3562d1f38e1c9a7e857c9452572) Please someone tell me it will get better after that... (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.faeriewylde.com%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2Fhelp.gif&hash=8340f6fa5c0d4ea3d320634a43d24c309dbb98ce) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.faeriewylde.com%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2Fkrank2.gif&hash=26cd03b528bd013f998e35a46a7750b21c4f303f)
oh duh.. actually Buffy and Renate did say it gets better so here's gritting my teeth and hanging in there...
I don't know. I'm 6 1/2 weeks as Katherine and am gratefully settiling into it. Everyone around me accepts me as Katherine and I am beginning to accept myself as Katherine. Some days I wear makeup but mostly I don't. I forget to put earings in some days. I seldom wear a skirt because women just don't wear skirts very much around here. I've had several people tell me that it's easy to accept me as Kate because they can tell I am just being myself.
As we begin this, we concentrate on the externals - clothes, makeup, hair, voice, breasts, surgery. I'm finding that as time goes on those become less important and it is the internals - how I look at myself and how I relate to those around me - that are important.
Every day I am more comfortable as a woman. I'm finding I think of myself less as someone in transition and gradually more as just another woman. I'm looking forward to GRS so my pants will fit properly and as a way of dotting the i, so to speak, but I'm not sure that will make me feel as more of a woman. The feeling comes from within.
Life is a search for knowledge of self. Who and what are we? As we learn to know ourselves, we become comfortable in our selves. While re-doing the outside may help, that's not the essential part of the process.
In a philosophical mood,
Kate
well the problem with me is that the internal doesn't match the external- the definition of dysphoria? I've always felt female internally, though I supressed and hid those feelings for a number of years. I've taken to transitioning like a duck to water, and it has been very good for me. But sometimes it seems like the closer I get to matching my outsides with my insides those dysphoric feelings, when they do emerge, are stronger than ever. Maybe it's a case of "so near, yet so far". ???
Chloe, still wrong-side-out girl :-\
Ok, externals aren't all that important, but really:
Quote from: K8 on June 06, 2009, 08:12:01 AM
I forget to put earrings in some days.
Woman! Get yourself some self-respect!
Renate (a woman with an earring fetish) :laugh:
Quote from: stardust on June 03, 2009, 03:58:13 PM
Hi there,
Just wondering if anyone else experiences this. For several months I can wake up in the morning and my GID seems to have gone for the first five minutes upon waking and then it kicks in again until I go to sleep. May be I'm just odd, lol. Seriously I would like to know why this seems possible.
Stardust
sorry hon I hope we didn't get too OT here... I think what chrysalis said has merit. I've noticed a lot of things are that way- like when there has been some traumatic experience. The last time something really bad happened to me all I could do to escape the emotional pain was to sleep. On waking, the first few seconds were total bliss because it took my brain a bit of time to recall the pain. Then it all comes rushing back.
Quote from: FairyGirl on June 06, 2009, 08:25:37 AM
well the problem with me is that the internal doesn't match the external- the definition of dysphoria? I've always felt female internally, though I supressed and hid those feelings for a number of years. I've taken to transitioning like a duck to water, and it has been very good for me. But sometimes it seems like the closer I get to matching my outsides with my insides those dysphoric feelings, when they do emerge, are stronger than ever. Maybe it's a case of "so near, yet so far". ???
Chloe, still wrong-side-out girl :-\
What I think I was trying to say very imperfectly, Chloe, is that as we re-do the outside to match our internal feelings, people start treating us as we see ourselves. The externals are important in the beginning to make the bridge, but once made then it is a process of relaxing into who we really are.
Perhaps I'm just more weird than even
I had thought, but most of my self-identity is genderless. I asked a cis-woman friend how much of her self-identity was as a woman. She said perhaps it wasn't number one but was certainly in the top five. I feel that presenting myself as a woman I have the freedom to be more of who I
really am, but I'm not sure that is the same as what my cis-woman friend was describing.
I had GID on and off for about 60 years. Now it seems to have gone away. I really hope it doesn't come back. Perhaps if you experience it while living fulltime or after transition, it is actually something else - some other kind of dissonance? ??? Or perhaps I just haven't been Kate long enough for it to again rear its ugly head. :P
- Kate
Quote from: stardust on June 05, 2009, 06:20:55 PM
Curious, why then didn't the giving of T as HRT work for those in the past as a cure for TS?
It's only theoretical, however as I said, it only allows you to bury the feelings, it doesn't make them go away. Besides, once you acknowledge the problem it only seems to get worse, it's like Pandora's Box.
Quote from: Leslie Ann on June 06, 2009, 09:33:28 PMBesides, once you acknowledge the problem it only seems to get worse, it's like Pandora's Box.
wow that's exactly how I feel and what I was trying to explain above. I know the symptoms are definitely stronger now that I've stopped trying to supress them and actually do something about it; that is, transitioning my external to lessen this terrible incongruity with my internal. Kind of a paradox like that, or a catch-22. I am living full-time now, but I still see that Pandora's Box with obstacles that sometimes loom very large. It is then I am the most overcome with the sharp pangs of dysphoria. Much of it may be that though I am taking hormones, I'm still pre-op atm.
On the flip side of that, sometimes I think about what it means now that I
am finally making progress and I get such an overwhelming sense of peace and joy and sense that all's right with the world. At those times I feel completely female, inside
and out, and I just want to cry from happiness. It's sort of a roller coaster ride I guess, but I try to focus on those good feelings and make the most of those moments.
I'm glad you're doing so well Kate, your progress is inspirational. :)
Chloe, not feeling quite so wrong-side-out on a Summer Saturday night. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.faeriewylde.com%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2Fbowhead.gif&hash=3c29dd4fe026f71b9aba746ff714a381dec6ada0)
I can understand what Stardust is saying. I have been going along swimmingly and then suddenly I was hit with such a depression over having the boys parts. I was in tears. I knew that things weren't going to change until GRS, but I had not had the depression so bad for so long.
But I began to look into GRS seriously, even if I don't have the funds right now. And that has helped. Any little thing that I do to make me happy helps. Every step towards my femininity is all that I have to be that much freer.
Janet
It is exactly this ebb and flow of GID attacks that has provoked me to analyze when and why I feel it so strongly.
My experience has told me that the more I focus on that which I don't have (a female body/life/etc) the more destructive, depressed, and upset I feel. However, the more I focus on what I do have, the current blessings in my life, the less power my GID has over me.
That isn't to say you should ignore your GID, but focusing on the stuff you don't have and the unfairness of it all will not lead you to peace or happiness before or after transition. Those who I know who have been unhappy and had GID issues after transition have had them because they continue (even after transition) to focus on what "female" things they don't have or never will (pregnancy, periods, sweet 16 birthday party, etc).
that is true for anything I suppose, focusing on wealth when one is poor, focusing on youth when one is aged, etc. Those things don't have specific "disorders" associated with them however. And there is healthy focus too- a poor person focusing on riches they don't possess is destructive, focusing on how to achieve the goal of pulling yourself out of poverty would be much more productive. I do believe there is always a way to make things better, and I don't want to give the impression that I sit around 24/7 feeling dysphoric.
I am optimistic. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cosgan.de%2Fimages%2Fsmilie%2Ffroehlich%2Fs040.gif&hash=5d8787ce9d851381cbf0aeb638a8bb21806327e3) It may be stronger now when it does rear its ugly head, but those episodes are getting less frequent, and like Interalia said, focusing on what I do have and what I have accomplished can mitigate dysphoria into downright euphoria. But then, It's not so much what I don't have as what I still do at this point. I'll be glad to get finished with GRS because that one thing I do still have is a major cause of the dysphoria I feel and I know this to be true. I can sooooooo relate to what Janet Lynn said.
The thing that finally tipped me over the edge was that I was dressing more and more as a woman. I was a closeted cross dresser and so would stay home more just so I could dress. Finally I got to the point where I knew I had to pry the closet door open regardless of the social cost. After a lot of planning and pain and agonizing and work, I finally became Katherine and have never been happier.
But as you said, Chloe, and others have said - as you get closer it gets harder, perhaps because you can finally see that it might be possible to live as you are rather than as you were scripted to be.
Also, as you work toward being whole, the protective repressions and denials start falling away exposing you to a lot of powerfully emotional stuff.
Hang in there. Work toward your goal. Foward, inch by inch. (And all that. :P) It can be done. I get strength from those who've managed to do this before me.
*hugs*
Kate
great and thanks all,
I think my dysphoria is worse when I think about the past regrets having transitioned later in life and thinking about all that I have lost, family, house, love, companion, etc.
I don't want to seem all doom and gloom, I have a new job, a roof over my head, food on the table and living full time with GRS next year. I suppose its for me its getting over the losses that cause the worst emotional stress and crying. How one gets past these things I don't know at present, I am taking one day at a time. I suppose the biggest thing is the loss of a companion and the love of my life.
Stardust
I really dont want to be the voice of doom but ever since Ive opened up the pandoras box its been getting worse and worse. I'm trying to focus on the blessings I have and have had but its actually not helping and this bothers the hell out of me. I used to have a will of steel but this only helps to a point. I cant stop thinking about my prison sentence disphoria and my strenth of will is eroding. This has got to stop. I need to function for my family, I still can but just barely. I hate to whine but I cant believe how dehabilitating GID really is. And I'm happy and envious of you girls who are realizing their dreams- God bless you. Well forget about calling me coolj just call me wimpj cause this bleeping dysphoria is ruining me totally.
I try not to look back. Too many bad memory. I look forward. Sometimes even that brings on the fear and doubt, especially if I focus on getting SRS, or an Orchie.
One day at a time, making the best of that day. What is past is past, what is in the future is in the future. Today is called the Present because it is a gift. Unwrap and enjoy the present that has been given you.
Janet
Quote from: Janet Lynn on June 08, 2009, 08:21:45 PMOne day at a time, making the best of that day. What is past is past, what is in the future is in the future. Today is called the Present because it is a gift. Unwrap and enjoy the present that has been given you.
You are so right love. With all it's ups and downs and joys and sorrows, I'm still so very thankful and glad I made the
right decision to transition. I have learned more about myself and found greater peace in my heart since I began this than in all the years leading up to it. The world was cold black and white my whole life, and now it's living color. I will not give that up and I could never go back to being anything less again.
We all accumulate regrets as we go through life, but the road to Might-Have-Been is a dangerous one, with lots of swampy areas. Do not go there! :eusa_naughty:
If we're paying attention, we learn from our mistakes and troubles and gradually build a better life for ourselves. You are a product of your past. You might not be doing so well now if you had tried to transition earlier. Who knows? Don't look back other than to see how far you've come. It's wonderful, isn't it? ;)
*hugs*
Kate
Quote from: coolJ on June 08, 2009, 08:14:42 PM
I really dont want to be the voice of doom but ever since Ive opened up the pandoras box its been getting worse and worse. I'm trying to focus on the blessings I have and have had but its actually not helping and this bothers the hell out of me. I used to have a will of steel but this only helps to a point. I cant stop thinking about my prison sentence disphoria and my strenth of will is eroding. This has got to stop. I need to function for my family, I still can but just barely. I hate to whine but I cant believe how dehabilitating GID really is. And I'm happy and envious of you girls who are realizing their dreams- God bless you. Well forget about calling me coolj just call me wimpj cause this bleeping dysphoria is ruining me totally.
I totally get this, because i think i'm heading down the same path. I wish the best for you, sister :)
Quote from: riven_one on June 10, 2009, 01:21:45 AM
I totally get this, because i think i'm heading down the same path. I wish the best for you, sister :)
Thanks sister but I wish nobody could know this path. I really wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. And its like Janet says its better to dwell on the present gift of today than worry about a tommorrow that may never come. Its funny how the old coping mechanisms dont work anymore either. :-\ I hope the best for you too sis 8).
Quote from: coolJ on June 10, 2009, 09:16:04 PM
Its funny how the old coping mechanisms dont work anymore either.
I'm finding this to be true also. Stay strong.
Quote from: coolJ on June 10, 2009, 09:16:04 PM
Its funny how the old coping mechanisms dont work anymore either. :-\
With summer coming, my depression has lifted somewhat... ;)
....and I think I have had some good spells relief from my GID... :)
...then I went to my therapy session on Friday...and remembering that I'm not planning to start transition any day soon..the discussion somehow hit a few critical issues... ::)
...well..my therapist thinks I'm starting to have difficulty hiding my female side while presenting male... :o
....and she decided to let me know that she was hapy to recommend me for HRT if I requested it... :o
...I'm not saying that I haven't had this sort of discussion here at Susan's before.... it just different when you healthcare professional decides to say it face to face...
..Oh well.... there goes the "this is all a bad dream" coping mechanism... :-\
:icon_hug:
Chrissty
Good luck, Chrissty!
Maybe we lose our coping mechanisms as we become ready to start the journey. :P
This is a scary process, but it does get better. Even with all the support of friends and family and professionals and those of us here at Susan's, it ends up being a lonely process at times. For me, getting ready to begin was probably the hardest, followed by the actual beginning. As you go along you will find it can get easier (with the inevitable bumps and set-backs along the way). This isn't a journey for the weak.
*hugs*
Kate
and as they fall away, one by one, it becomes more real with every step along the way which is exhilarating but scary at the same time. Imho it's a sign that we are following the right path in this and we need to hold out as long as our hearts tell us it is right. Mine tells me I am in this to the end. I've really tried to determine what makes it worse and what makes it better for me. In my experience it is worsened not so much by thinking about what I don't have, but in those times I feel stuck in a male existence I can never break free of. It is relieved when I realize that come what may, I am female and already free. It also helps to keep telling myself that I can do this.
Chrissty, I truly know what you're going through hon and I'm sure many of us feel the same way. It does reach a point where you just can't hide your true self anymore.
You with the sad eyes
don't be discouraged
oh I realize
it's hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
and the darkness inside you
can make you feel so small
But I see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow
~Cyndi Lauper
Quote from: interalia on June 07, 2009, 05:11:18 AM
It is exactly this ebb and flow of GID attacks that has provoked me to analyze when and why I feel it so strongly.
My experience has told me that the more I focus on that which I don't have (a female body/life/etc) the more destructive, depressed, and upset I feel. However, the more I focus on what I do have, the current blessings in my life, the less power my GID has over me.
That isn't to say you should ignore your GID, but focusing on the stuff you don't have and the unfairness of it all will not lead you to peace or happiness before or after transition. Those who I know who have been unhappy and had GID issues after transition have had them because they continue (even after transition) to focus on what "female" things they don't have or never will (pregnancy, periods, sweet 16 birthday party, etc).
I'm going to love to hear your mindset when you get into your 40's. I really want to know if you feel the same. I do like what you say from time to time and focusing on what you do have instead of what you don't is a positive way to think. If your GID can let you focus on the positive and not on transition, you are pretty fortunate.
Quote from: Lori on June 14, 2009, 02:42:04 PM
I'm going to love to hear your mindset when you get into your 40's. I really want to know if you feel the same. I do like what you say from time to time and focusing on what you do have instead of what you don't is a positive way to think. If your GID can let you focus on the positive and not on transition, you are pretty fortunate.
Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I just move into my new house and we cannot afford the internet currently, so my activity has drastically dropped.
To your post I'd say that I do not know how I'll feel in 10 more years. Perhaps I'll have reached a point where I've learned enough about the nature of my GID that it no longer affects me at all, or perhaps I'll become so weighed down by it due to unforeseen circumstances that I'll give up everything I currently hold dear to transition. Both are extremes but I'm open to the possibility of either occurring.
I think the best I can do is take into account and learn from my own experiences and from that of others - doing my best not to immerse myself too much in dogma from either those who advocate transition or from those who do not.
BTW, what do the symbols on your avatar stand for? I've always wanted to know.
OOps!...I've been away too..
Thank you for your kind wishes FairyGirl and K8
:icon_hug:
Chrissty