Well, just got my gender marker change papers. I can either change that before changing the name or change the name first. Either way. But got to change them close together, as my birth name is way too female for male gender marker and will draw attention.
This is probably my least favorite chore in all this. I waited out changing my name until I got the physical stuff done, and now can't wait any longer. No name seems the right thing to do, and trust me, I've been over and over this for going on 4 years now.
No name seems right, and every candidate for the name has its own drawbacks and perks. At this point, I'm just going to have to choose one I'm not entirely comfortable with, because I will never be entirely comfortable with any name for myself right now. And it just seems so unnatural to have to name oneself. And then there's the issue of the surname, which is literally so rare in this country, that I am literally related to all but one bearer (whom my family got in touch with assuming they were a long lost relative).
I'm afraid that people will recognize me as the former female bearer of this surname, even after gender change. I don't know if it matters or not. But certainly not conducive to stealth. So, there's that issue. I keep thinking about changing it back to its former un-Americanized glory, rendering it unrecognizable as the former name. But I also am used to the current surname and spelling and sounding it out and answering questions about it at every turn. I can't do anything without explaining the name. Can be a nice icebreaker at times too. Course the other form is just as bizarre and unpronounceable. So, yeah I can't even decide on the surname.
Indecision is the biggest evil of all.
Anybody else not enjoy this part of the process?
I chose my name for a reason, but in reality, a name is a name. It is just something for others to call you by.
I wouldn't over think your choices (as long as it doesn't sound offensive to you). As for the last name, that was never important to me, I never even thought about changing it until someone asked me about it and I said I guess I will keep it, I really don't care.
Mine is somewhat of a common German name so there are others out there with the same last name. But this branch dies with me, neither my brother or I had any male children (and my father was an only child).
Unless your last name is a distinctive one, people aren't going to be going around saying "oh that name sounds familiar, are you related to ---".
Sarah L.
My family name will be carried on by my sons and their sons, so it wasn't a big deal to change the last name. And that way anyone one my Father's side will not have to be associated with my life, except by choice.
I selected a last name that was within my lineage, I am Irish by birth. I have always be Janet so that was easy, and Lynn goes well with it. Stoled it from my ex, as I liked it.
Not knowing your family name or lineage, I would ask......what would you name a son?
And I was so overjoyed when I changed my name that I could not quit grinning for days. On when I get the gender marker changed, the world will know it.
Janet
I agree that it seems unnatural. I picked a name that I wanted to be my own since I was eight years old; I picked a name that I learned was the only name chosen for me (until I was unexpectedly born 'female'); and it still seems odd. I spent so many years grudgingly getting used to my old name (I settled on a less feminine shortened version) that it almost seems 'mine.' Just out of habit.
I'm sure the fact that my family persists in calling me by my birthname even after legally changing it is not helping matters. I'm also not out at work, so they still call me by my birthname. It's hard to get used to a name when you're never called by it.
I like Janet's idea: what would you name a son? Also, may I ask what your surname's country of origin is?
Just remember that even if you pick a name that you can use for official purposes, you can still tell friends and stuff to call you Nero if you prefer it. Nicknames don't have to be 'normal.' :) And lots of people are saddled with names they don't particularly love because their parents had different opinions than themselves. You don't have to find the absolute perfect name.
What's wrong with Nero?
Names certainly are unnatural -- arbitrary strings of syllables chosen, typically, by parents. We just get used to them because we hear them so often. If you just pick one, especially a fairly common one that you like, and use it with confidence (even feigned confidence), you'll find soon enough that it suits you.
I just picked the first one I thought of. Then tried on several others I liked better, but were discarded for various reasons. Since I was a kid, I always thought I was a Jeffrey, and really wanted to be a Jeffrey. But there are too many other Jeffs in the family, and after going to my uncle's on Memorial Day, whose son is a Jeffrey, I'm glad I didn't!
Jay
I'm not 1000% settled yet but a couple of the things that I've been thinking over are really kind of everyday practicality things.
things like -
Long form vs short form. I'm not sure what the first one will be yet but in the middle will be "Elizabeth" because it has so many variants there's bound to be a short form i like (at the moment I'm partial to "Beth" and it was what I used the one time i went out en femme and talked to anyone)
Signature - I don't know about anyone else but I very seldom hand write in cursive anymore and haven't for over a decade. so what I chose will be something I can write easily and quickly in signature form.
what your friends call you - this kind of ties into the "short form" point above. A natural one or two syllable name like "Lisa" or "Sam" is maybe easier for those who know you to adjust to than something more "flowery" or extravagant.
fitting in - is your goal to be "just another" girl/boy or do you want to call attention to yourself a bit? For me, it's the former.
Some like to play off their old name or initials, that has no particular interest for me. I haven't given any thought to meddling with the surname because i have sons and I don't want to create artificial distance there unless I had some real good reason to.
You could let someone who loved you pick it for you, the same as happened when you were born. But I say go with your heart sweetie. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cosgan.de%2Fimages%2Fsmilie%2Fliebe%2Fs030.gif&hash=72355a0dbff007bb7fe79b53f7f1cb558b8f84c9) And Nero is a nice name, too :)
When I change my name it will be to the name that I should have had at birth. I was just "supposed" to be a girl and the name was set, and I have always liked it. When I was born male, it was a shock to my parents for some reason.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi
That's interesting. When I come out to my mom, assuming it goes reasonably well, I might ask her what she would have named a daughter...
The name thing is killing me. My therapist and a local TG support center were both astonished that I haven't figured out one.
Last night, one kind of came to me out of the blue. I ran it by my gf, who remarked 'That's my sister's middle name!'
Aurgh. I was afraid of that. I still like it, though. Not sure if it'll stick though.
I seriously feel your pain, Nero, I'm 23 now and since about 19 I've been wondering. Just go with Nero :p
Well, apart from the weird historical connotation, you COULD keep Nero unless you really really don't want to. Or, if you don't want to name yourself, run a poll and have us all vote on it.
For the last name, the Americanized version could work...but you could always just go with Smith.
I used to have a very unusual last name before I changed it. It was very easy to let go of...
I just wanted to add that you may want to look into changing your name and gender marker at the same time. Depending on how your state does things, it could save you a couple hundred dollars in court fees.
I suppose we have all come to know you as Nero. Nice name and unusual but very pleasant and very manly.
As for a surname. I went back through all sorts of search engines and came up with an ancient family name. De'Fiddler
Mr Nero De'Fiddler.
OMG sorry I've got your lineage confused with the jewish name, Fiddlerontheroof
Sorry Nero :-*, just having a laugh :laugh:.
Pick a second name (surname) that doesn't need spelling out over the phone etc. It just makes life easier. Is that MacDonald or McDonald or are you a MACDonald.
Oh such happy times Bro.
You are worrying about a name. I remember you worrying about living. And that wasn't long ago.
Cindy. or is it Cindi, or Cyndy, Sindy or Sindi Syndy. Ahhh
There's nothing wrong with a short surname that needs spelling.
At least it removes the uncertainty of whether to spell it out or not.
I've had decades of practice spelling out my old, short surname every time I gave it out.
My new surname is also short with unusual spelling.
In customer service, it always amazes me how many people give an obscure name without initially offering to spell it out.
Quote from: Kristi on June 08, 2009, 11:45:08 PM
When I change my name it will be to the name that I should have had at birth. I was just "supposed" to be a girl and the name was set, and I have always liked it. When I was born male, it was a shock to my parents for some reason.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi
My parents were going to name me Lawrence. I am so NOT a Larry!! So, I passed on that idea.
Jay
Determining a name wasn't *terribly* hard for me, though there were some frustrations.
For the longest time, I just figured "If I ever get a sex change, I'll go with what my parents would've named me had I been born physically female." I later changed my mind on that, in part that name was "Lacy Star" and I realized I didn't really want a name that sounded like it belonged to a porn star.
Katrina was easy to choose cause I happened to use it as the name of a char I was playing in an MMO and it just felt so *right* being called Katrina and Kat by people. My middle name, I wanted Ashley due to the similarity to my old middle name (which was also what I used to go by), but I was for a long while considering spelling it "Achlie" to resemble my French heritage. After also using that as a character name in an MMO and finding that *no* one ever knew how to pronounce it (they always thought it was German), I finally decided I'd just go with Ashley.
I never really considered changing my surname (though I will if I ever "marry"); but then, my surname is incredibly common and doesn't by any means indicate actual relation to anyone else with that surname.
I picked a name - Katherine. Almost every one of my friends I told I was going to be Katherine would look at me blankly until I said " or Kate". Then they'd brighten up. I've been Kate ever since. You only have so much control over what your name is.
If you feel you need to change your surname, you might try your country of origin's version of Smith or Jones.
Of course, we here have gotten used to you being Nero so we might want to still call you that regardless of what you pick. 8)
- legally Katherine but really Kate
Picking a name felt like the weirdest thing to me. I don't consider myself particularly imaginative, and was hoping my parents would just be like "Oh good, we'll call you XXXXXXX instead of [boy name]." Except my parents haven't been too accepting, so they've never told me the name I would have gotten if I had been born a girl. So scratch that one.
I ended up using a baby name website with names ranked by popularity for the year I was born. I don't remember the site I went to, but the Social Security website has one too, and that's probably more accurate than the site I used. I just picked the girl's name that was equal in popularity with my boy's name that year.
One of my main criteria was that I wanted something common. Relatively common. When you look around on the internet, all the suggestions about picking a name basically boil down to:
Something common and easy to spell will attract less attention than a rare one will. This is useful if you're concerned about stealth.
My other criteria: it could not be the name of an ex- or the name of a close relative. Luckily, I don't know anyone named Jessica (except for me), but it seems like everyone I know has several of us as acquaintances.
I'm leaving my last name alone. I tried (and succeeded) at keeping my initials intact. We use initial/date very frequently at work, so I thought it would be good to keep that from changing. I also didn't really want to completely re-learn how to sign my name.
It wasn't as random as flipping a coin, but kind of close. I tried just to let the decisions make themselves and not worry about it.
I have no idea whether any of that will work for you, Nero, but there it is anyway, just in case.
In keeping with what Jessica just said, I kept my initials, chose an approximate male version of my female name, that fit with the decade I was born in. I think people would look at me funny if I decided to go by something like Jayden!
Jay
Quote from: Alyssa M. on June 08, 2009, 07:10:25 PM
If you just pick one, especially a fairly common one that you like, and use it with confidence (even feigned confidence), you'll find soon enough that it suits you.
That's how it went for me. I agonised over it for ages, spent a lot of time browsing name archives and asked all my friends for ideas but nothing felt right. Finally my friends gave me an ultimatum to choose a name by the end 7th of January so they could start using it (not sure what the threat was if I didn't comply, never got to that). I was minding a dog named Sally at the time, I had joked that she was a whiny b1tch so I should be named after her and they agreed :P
Anyways it felt right as soon as I made the announcement and once people started using it I wondered why I didn't think of it earlier.
It does sound hard, coming up with a name for yourself.
I changed mine a couple of times when I first came out, but many of my friends then kept saying that Janet fit me.
And like many have said you will always be Nero regardless of what you decide on. Nero, my Hero. :-*
Janet
Being totally boring. I kept the surname and gee even the first name and just put a vagina on the middle name and away I went. Like I said Boring. But it fits me. But to each their own as it were.
Gee I can see a name that "Nero" Contest starting on Susans, Ha!.
So what name Fit's Nero.......That's the question. Something studly, but with a flair.
Beni
Quote from: Imadique on June 10, 2009, 09:12:59 AMI was minding a dog named Sally at the time, I had joked that she was a whiny b1tch so I should be named after her and they agreed :P
Kind of like what one famous Hollywood character did:
Quote from: Henry Jones, Junior, a.k.a. 'Indiana' JonesI've got a lot of fond memories of that dog.
:D
Well... be glad you CAN change your name. I've been Sebastien Dean for over 2 years now, but only on my state ID... I still don't have the money to have it changed legally.
Yes, it seems strange to change your name. Heck, I went by Rafe for awhile, but it never felt like me, so I changed it to what it currently is, but in the past 2+ years I've gone by Sebastien, Bas, Dean, Dino... and who knows what I'll go by next. But Sebastien definitely feels like me now. This is all funny, though, because my mom told me she hates my name, and wants me to change it, so now I'm considering yet another change... though if she comes up with a good alternative I'll probably only add it on.
Good luck, man. As per the last name, I'm sure you recall I have a similar problem... but after thinking for awhile about changing my last name, I realized I'd had it for 24 years, and I kinda liked it, regardless of how often it's mispronounced. It makes me unique. And I'm sure yours makes you unique, too.
SD
Good timing on this thread - I'm having trouble with the name thing too - and it's a bit hard to get by without one!
I'm stuck between 2 choices so I'm thinking of leaving it up to my magic 8 ball. If it doesn't work out I can always say "hey, blame my 8 balls!" :D.
But seriously folks, I don't think anyone really feels at home with a new name for some time. It takes time to adapt. Give it time, try a few, run them past friends and family, say it out loud, sign it on a blank bit of paper again and again... and don't think it's the end of the world if nothing fits - a name is just a name. The right one will come to you eventually.
I kept my family name and morphed my first name. The screen name I used to use was given to me by my stylist in that infamous Halloween of 2003.
Does your birth name morph easily into a masculine version?
Does your birth name morph easily into a potential last name?
Whatever name you are thinking of, say it outloud a hundred times before deciding on it. If you still like the sound of it by the time you are done, run with it!
Shauna
It took me FOREVER to pick a name. I think that whatever you pick is going to sound weird for awhile. It took me a couple months to internalize my name. Someone would say Jude, and it would take me a few seconds to realize that they were talking about me. I think you just have to get used to it.
You can always ask your parents to name you (if it's possible)
i feel for you Nero!! i really do. but my advice since you live in here in the oh so FABULOUS state of Ohio with me, my advice is definitely do it all at once since i'm guessing you've already had surgery(?) there will be less questions later, not that there should be any to begin with, but i know there will q's everywhere when i finally have the funds to change my name because i really have no idea when, if ever, i will be able to have surgery to change one stupid letter because of their and ssa's 9/11 policy--yeah that's what i'm going to call it.. :D :D cuz basically that's what it is. in my opinion, if i say i am female, and i have documentation from a therapist or doctor conferring with that belief then that is what is the truth. only 3 people at a time need to know what is under/in my skirt/pants--the doctor--if necessary, my partner, and myself---other than that it is no one else's business!!!
on the name issue, i was looking for not one but TWO names as my second son was baking in the oven...lol. so i was looking for me and looking for him as well, trying to name a child is very exhausting when you have certain personal criteria you want to fill. it's far worse when you try and name yourself and i had a serious list of items that i had to make sure i didn't run into when choosing my new name, i'm thinking about changing my last name too especially since i don't have any idea when i'll be able to get out of the wonderful job i'm in, but having a new name legally changed and recognized by them(which i doubt they will), and will hopefully be easier to obtain new employment.
this will take time, tons of it, make sure you look at foreign names even if you think they won't fit, i did for all my kids and myself, and in the end my kids all have pretty common "American" names anymore, but i did my best to change spellings or like my second son, i gave him TWO middle names, so if he doesn't like any of them, he can hyphenate, or go by something else. his great grandmother was pissed that i gave him two middles--Brittiney told her to back off basically this was our child to name, not hers. this is you that you are dealing with so finding a name may take time, but I will always know you as Nero. and i feel for you with the femme name, mine is totally masculine, but working wearing i do i've met some interesting people. I'd still like to know how it went when the guy went up to the court tell them he was marrying Ryan--bet that went over well till they found out Ryan was a woman--and yes i've met her..lol. girls with boy names are becoming ever more popular--Evan Rachel Wood, Jennifer Jason Leigh, there is a male U.S. senator named Lindsey, my ex's grandfather's(now deceased) gf, she has some male family member named Lindsey as well, and until i met them, i thought seriously they were a lesbian couple and i was like great, i can come out to her and it'll be not such a big deal, unfortunately i was wrong about them, but people just make assumptions about names and really shouldn't.
you'll find something that fits, when you do use it exclusively, i hope you at least have people who will respect you enough to use it. i found one and people refuse to use it, which i'm completely offended by.
good luck to Nero sir.
sorry so long
Picking a name is hard, It;s something really personal i think. I thought I had mine figured out until we had a conversation at home one day about names and wat other names my parents considered for me and my brothers and one of my bros asked wat we would have been called if any of us had been girls ( im completely closeted they dont know) and my mam said the 1st girl would have been called Sinead and all of a sudden I didnt know which name i liked better :-\
My surmane I'll deffinetely keep despite it being so rare I'm closely related to a good 95 percent of them, coz it fits me i think and after 18 years spelling it out and answering questions about its origin is 2nd nature (I dont know where its from, but i may just look it up now).
Ironically no one spells either of my names (boy&surname) right despite my first name being the most popular for the year i was born and all others i know with the name spelling it the same as me and my surmane sounds like its spelled. Doubt that helped sorry :P kinda rambled a bit, oh well
Best of luck and watever u pick im sure it'll suit you (Nero would work IMO)
Claire xoxo
Quote from: The Only Warrior Princess Mekayla on June 20, 2009, 08:26:17 AM
I'd still like to know how it went when the guy went up to the court tell them he was marrying Ryan--bet that went over well till they found out Ryan was a woman--and yes i've met her..lol. girls with boy names are becoming ever more popular--Evan Rachel Wood, Jennifer Jason Leigh, there is a male U.S. senator named Lindsey, my ex's grandfather's(now deceased) gf, she has some male family member named Lindsey as well, and until i met them, i thought seriously they were a lesbian couple and i was like great, i can come out to her and it'll be not such a big deal, unfortunately i was wrong about them, but people just make assumptions about names and really shouldn't.
I'm on a professional site and there are men there named Shirley, Kimberly, and Jussi, and women named Douglas and Michael. You can't assume! Not to mention the ambiguous Pat, Dana, and Jess!
Jay