Hi, I'm kinda new to all this, and finally dragging myself out of the shadows to talk.
I've been reading and searching for a way to help with the way I've felt, this discomfort in my own skin, this feeling that I should be different from how I am, I wish it would all just go away. I want a way to stop the way I feel, I feel like I'm going crazy.
I just want to scream, I'm scared, angry and so confused, and I don't know what to do to stop the way I feel and I know it's getting worse. I don't want all this, I don't want to have to deal with all this, I just wanted to be able to live my life and be happy with who or what I am.
I don't know if I'm just ranting or looking for people that share the same inner torture or what. All I know is that I need to start talking or this will tear me apart even more than it always is.
How do you deal with this? Will it get better?
I try talking to others with a similar situation or try to occupy myself with things I like to do. That does not always help though. Can you give us a better description of how you feel and for how long? Welcome to the forum.
Describing the feelings is hard for me, but it's mostly that the body I have doesn't match who I am on the inside, and all of the confusion, frustration and uncertainty that goes along with that. As for how long?.. it's something I've known for a long time, years, but the facade I had built up to try and fit in has finally broken down and I can't figure out how to cope with it all.
I guess that's the biggest thing, it's not like the old joke "my arm hurts when I do this.... then don't do that", I wish it were so simple
and thanks for the welcome
the only thing left for you to do is to either tell someone you know you can trust about your feelings until you are ready to come out or see a therapist. I can't be of much help since I am a beginner and have not done the therapy thing either. I will try to help the best I can. Everyone is pretty nice here, so I am sure you will start to feel better once you communicate more and receive replies. I wish you the best of luck in your journey. Don't be shy about telling us how you feel.
Hi SoShy, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 2500 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. :icon_hug:
And be sure to check out
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Janet
Hey Soshy,
I use to be so very shy too. Alas I'm more like Roxanna Troy from Star Trek TNG, Just an outgoing girl now, sometime too over the top.
It can be pretty tough. I know I tried for a long time to make that other person in my head go away, the one that hated how I looked and kept wanting to come out.
Alas I lost and won that battle. Lost in that the inner me is now the outer me, won because life is so much better now.
If you really want to stay as your birth sex, Distractions always helped me. IE focus on passtimes or hobbies will or may help keep thouse inner thoughts at bay. Talk to a therapist. Oh, I have a friend (alternative healer type) who might help, but only if you were in northern CA.
Coming out is not easy, though for some of us it was the only answer, no matter the cost.
Anyway, welcome to Susans and feel free to ask anything at all. The guys and girls here have all been there before.
Beni
I feel your pain SoShy. I've felt out of sorts for some time now, but am slowly realizing that something needs to give.
Read through the forums, you will learn alot. I have.
Thanks for your responses, I honestly don't know what I expected, but after reading what you had posted, I actually was having a hard time controlling my emotions.
I've suppressed everything for so long, that finally coming out and talking about it with people and getting an actually positive response, it's a bit overwhelming, I actually had tears starting.
I have no idea how far down this road is right for me, but I know fighting this and trying to remain as I am will only make me unhappier. If I'm truly honest, I do want to change, I want things to get better, but I'm scared of opening up to people too.
How can I know if this is right for me? Is talking to a therapist the only way to find out?
I'm so lost.
Yes a therapist is a good start. But only you can really tell you how you feel. They only help you get to that point.
Most of us here have always known the truth. Transition isn't for the faint of heart. It takes really commitment. And not just the makeup, clothes ,STP's or anything else. It is to admit the truth to yourself and then to accept it. And then do something about that.
I lived for 54 years as a man and hated every damn moment. I love my children and grand children as only a mother can. Yes I am their Father, but I love them as their Mother. Now is the time that I have always wanted and I only need GRS to complete the view I have of ME.
Is that all it takes. HELL NO. It takes the last step of "This is who I am". If the world isn't ready for me, then they need to stand aside, because here I come ready or not.
There are so many beautiful women here that I am very proud to call my sisters. And a lot of hunks that I call my brothers.
QuoteHow can I know if this is right for me?
As I tell many people. you know if it is right, in your heart of hearts. SCr** society, they don't have to live my life. And if they can stand it, get the f out of my way.
Yes, I am in one of those moods that allows me to say these things. To me, I am a one gorgeous woman and the world is damn lucky that I have decide that this is right for me.
I won't say anything more, because I am in a real bi***y mood. Bring it now.
And if this gets me banned permanently, so be it. I am in a really feisty mood.
Janet
Janet:
Ooohh baby, you are on fire tonight aren't you??? But if that were the only thing that could get us banned, then there would be a lot more echoes in this place! ;)
SoShy!
Welcome! Janet already did the site rules and things, so we have that out of the way.
You are here, because you need to be here. (I borrow from Callahan's bar)
Yes, get thee to a therapist, pronto. You'll need their help in sorting out your issues. Make sure you find one who has background in gender identity issues.
But also realize, you already have the answers. There is no objective test for transsexualism. You are because you say you are. Your therapist will spend a very short period of time confirming your beliefs. The rest of the time will be spent helping you figure out what to do about it. There are a lot of options and this can take a lot of time. But you can find solace and some comfort pretty quickly just knowing that you are taking action.
Ugly duckling to swan, caterpillar to butterfly, nymph to dragonfly. Perhaps they too feel the discordance between mind and body when it is time to change. And they realize that the life they knew is over.
But so much is beginning!
Welcome, my sister!
-Sandy
Yeah I am, Sandy. I am off work and having a couple of beers. And I am letting it all go. I want so much to complete this transition. I am so jealous of you girls that have completed the journey. I just hope that our beloved Susan does not think I am over the line.
I really think that the new girls and guys need to be told that this isn't of the faint of heart.
Many of us are told that we are so braved to go forward. But we are just being true to our selves and that is that. You and I and many others are just a bunch of girls with some thing in common. And that includes all the guys here.
I love all of my family, here.
Janet
Quote from: Janet Lynn on June 18, 2009, 09:08:21 PM
Yeah I am, Sandy. I am off work and having a couple of beers. And I am letting it all go. I want so much to complete this transition. I am so jealous of you girls that have completed the journey. I just hope that our beloved Susan does not think I am over the line.
I really think that the new girls and guys need to be told that this isn't of the faint of heart.
Many of us are told that we are so braved to go forward. But we are just being true to our selves and that is that. You and I and many others are just a bunch of girls with some thing in common. And that includes all the guys here.
I love all of my family, here.
Janet
And we love you too, hon! And if I had that magic wand, you would be the first one I would *twang* with it. But remember, one day this will all be in your past. Have faith.
No, it isn't for the faint of heart, also it is a one way ticket. But so is running out of a burning building. And that is what so many of us feel that we are doing. I think on some level everyone who comes here,
and stays here, realizes that, but perhaps we should make it part of the welcome message too.
-Sandy
Thanks, Sandy. And that is why this is my family. And I may get very jealous of all the girls that get to go to the gods of SRS, but one day it will be "OMG, Janet has gotten there".
Janet
Sandy, I have to admit, I think your right, I'm here because I need to be here, or I'd be trying to talk about this somewhere else.
I wish I had the strength and fire that you show Janet, I really admire the ability to look at adversity like that and just keep on going, I'm not sure how well I'll be able to handle that.
I know this isn't for the faint of heart, I'm just nervous, like you said, it is a one way thing, and before jumping into this, I guess, I'm trying to make sure I'm ready for it all.
SoShy,
There comes a time in everyone's life that they have to given to the self desires. It is the only way that one can survive. And yes I can be a real b***h about this thing called transition. I am almost a radical about it. Especially when it comes the the Christain Riech.
The only thing that you can do is to go into it fully and without any reservations.
Janet
Quote from: Janet Lynn on June 18, 2009, 09:46:13 PM
SoShy,
The only thing that you can do is to go into it fully and without any reservations.
Janet
I called it stepping into the abyss. Scary as hell, but staying put was worse.
-Sandy
It's not easy being green, Er that is trans. But as with every journey it's done a step at a time. Coming to terms with ones self being one of the first steps. Lucky it is a SLOWWWWW process so there is time to back out if you find that your not TS or not ready.
It's not an easy path, but for some it is the only path. Lucky us.
Janet, girl you are Getting there. Your looking good, hon. Yes I wanted it bad too, but it will come. Just think you have that first dialation to look forward too. When the packing come out and you see your new parts for the first time and say to yourself, "OMG that looks pretty bad". Plus the folly removal is always fun ;-)
Sandy, Love the new look. You go girl.
Beni
Quote from: Beni on June 18, 2009, 09:55:16 PM
When the packing come out and you see your new parts for the first time and say to yourself, "OMG that looks pretty bad". Plus the folly removal is always fun ;-)
Sandy, Love the new look. You go girl.
Beni
Dr Bowers calls it the "Franken-pussy", and it does kind of look like that.
And having had both, having your foley removed as a girl is a LOT easier than when you have all that plumbing!
Thanks for the compliment, Beni. The company insisted on a new picture for the bio so they sent me to the advertising group for some head shots. This is the one I chose. I like it.
-Sandy
Shouldn't that be "Bride of Franken-pussy" ;-)
OMG. I so want to be that "Bride of Franken-pussy", please gods, please.
Janet
Post Merge: June 18, 2009, 10:21:23 PM
Really. I don't care if it looked like WTF is that? As long as it doesn't look like "THAT">
Janet
Hi SoShy
As the other girls have said it's a road and you are the one on it. That said the support from people on this site really opens you up and makes you realise you are not a freak, and not alone. And when you need to scream and cry we'll be here for you. At least people have been for me.
Janet, I'm going to have to open a bottle of red to keep up with you :-* :laugh:
Cindy
Quote from: SoShy on June 18, 2009, 07:19:02 PM
Thanks for your responses, I honestly don't know what I expected, but after reading what you had posted, I actually was having a hard time controlling my emotions.
I've suppressed everything for so long, that finally coming out and talking about it with people and getting an actually positive response, it's a bit overwhelming, I actually had tears starting.
I have no idea how far down this road is right for me, but I know fighting this and trying to remain as I am will only make me unhappier. If I'm truly honest, I do want to change, I want things to get better, but I'm scared of opening up to people too.
How can I know if this is right for me? Is talking to a therapist the only way to find out?
I'm so lost.
Welcome, SoShy. I certainly can identify with the feeling you expressed here. How do you know? How do you proceed?
To me, therapy is essential. Find someone you are comfortable with and begin opening up.
I found that coming out to my friends was a HUGE step. I did a lot of preparation before coming out to the first one, but as the coming-out process unfolded I found that I was also coming out to myself, too.
And the other girls here at Susan's have been a wonderful help to me. :D
It sounds like you are ready to start your journey. It's scary at times but can be
wonderful.
Good luck! :-*
- Kate
Is it really just that easy to get things started? and is it really okay to trust in what I've felt is right, and yet been told is wrong for so long?
I can't count how many times I got the "behave more like a man" or "be a man" speeches, don't get me wrong, it has a thrill to it thinking about it, but if I starting talking and explain this to a therapist/psychiatrist, will I really be able to start on this path?
After hearing "no, you can't" for so long, it's a kind of disbelief hearing someone say "yes, you can" and I guess I want someone to pinch me to make sure it's real.
Yeah, I got that "be a man" stuff, too. It took me a long time to be who I am, and then to figure out that who I am isn't really a man. (I always felt I was both and neither.)
Find a therapist you can trust. Trust takes a little time to build up. You don't have to blurt everything out in the first five minutes, although you can if that works for you.
No, it's not easy. And yes, it is possible.
And if you come here, I'll be glad to pinch you. :D
- Kate
I think we've all had the be a man speech :laugh: In fact many of the girls on this site have had very male jobs. Soldiers, heavy industry, truckies etc. It's a common activity for TGs to strive for the cure. If I marry have a guy job and children I'll be a man and this desire will go away.
There a heap of people with their hands up on that one.
I don't think it will ever work. Maybe for a time as your T levels are high, but when they start dropping it all rolls back.
My wife new about Cindy from the begining and it was no problem. I came out to the rest of my family in one hit. I was totally in Cindy mode, hair makeup, clothes etc. Cooking tea for us, and her family walked through the front door. Two bro-in-laws and two sister-in-laws. They have keys to our front door as my wife was very ill. The two guys looked stunned. One S-i-L said you look gorgeous, the other came over kissed me on the cheek and said, I've known for ages. The two guys got themselves a beer. Sat down and talked guy stuff, which I never did anyway. And the rest of us gossiped about life, shopping, make-up etc.
I go out in public, I shop as Cindy (and in drab) my voice is totally male >:(. But I'm working on it.
So far I have never had a bad reaction. Ignored yes. Heard two guys in a bar say, It's one of those T girls. Ignored them. Ordered my drink and the bar-maid just said. I'll bring over to your table miss.
Yes there are big problems. Yes it's not as easy all the time. Yes it depends on how much money you have. Yes your job may be impossible to keep.
Yes I'm so much happier even though I cannot go full time as yet.
One of my female Ph.D. students, who knows about Cindy, said to me two weeks ago, You are so much more relaxed now a days.
Says it all.
Love
Cindy
SoShy, what your going through is normal and so many have dealt with this. But like the others said, the answers are already inside of you... you just have to listen to your own self to figure it all out. All I can tell you is whatever the answer, you will know. Dont ask how, just know that you will know the truth. That in of itself will give you the strength to carry on whatever path you choose.
This is a great place to start and ask questions, but it would also help your introspection if you work with a therapist. They can help you to make sense of your feelings and to see and process the decisions on the road ahead.
Quote from: SoShyIs it really just that easy to get things started? and is it really okay to trust in what I've felt is right, and yet been told is wrong for so long?
If your looking for easy then you will have a difficult time ahead. Its a tough road, thats for sure. And your life will probably turn upside down for a while during the journey. But Sandy said it best... one way tickets sometimes are the only option when running from a burning building.
One thing to keep in mind... take the time you need to work it out. Its not a race, and you will figure out your pace fairly quickly. Dont let anyone tell you that you cant do this, and dont let anyone push you into decisions you arent ready to make. In short, you know your own comfort zone, listen to your inner voice. Im betting it wont mislead you.
Good luck and welcome.
-Stacy
I used the statement wrong, I know that transition isn't "easy" from reading and learning and I am not trying to belittle anyone's efforts to find their true selves.
I suppose it is much like watching a master of their art, seeing and reading people talk about it, it seems easy because they have gone through all the steps leading to that point, which have taken great effort and patience but aren't visible immediately.
I want to say thank you for all the supportive comments. I'm going to take the advice I've gotten here and see if I can find a therapist to talk to. I don't know what to expect, but it's something I need to do and the first step to getting this under control.
-SoShy
Quote from: SoShy on June 19, 2009, 04:41:12 PM
Is it really just that easy to get things started? and is it really okay to trust in what I've felt is right, and yet been told is wrong for so long?
Yes, it is that easy.
One of the things that a lot of us have grown up with is guilt. Guilt that says that we are somehow imperfect for the feelings we have. Guilt that says that we are not good enough to deserve a happy life. Guilt that says that we are not "man" enough. That guilt is what leads to the depression cycle.
You must give up your guilt. You must *believe* your feelings are true. You must know that you are a worthy person. Because you are.
That will also be part of this process. And part of the things you may discuss with your therapist.
This is part of coming out to yourself. That is actually the hardest step for many of us to do. To accept yourself for who you are. Once you do that, the rest is easy.
Really!
-Sandy
SoShy,
Welcome! I'm new here myself but I've been here long enough to know that you are getting the advice of the SP All Stars in this thread. I won't name names but these girls will feel like your sisters overnight.
I can add little except to say that i - like the rest - totally relate to the things you mentioned. You are not alone!
And I have found that one of the most rewarding things here and IRL is - when you are so sure you should hide and be ashamed, every time you tell someone and they DON'T judge you like you feared, it is SUCH a rush. Yes, there will be those who do, but they pale next to those who don't.
By the way, you use the phrase "a long time" - may I ask how old you are? Many of us here were 40+ when we finally embraced what we knew to be true so don't let that slow you down.
As Kate has said, better to be an ugly old woman than any sort of man.
Hello Laura, I'm currently 30 this year, and thank you for your support.
I've already had the emotional surge that came with simply being accepted here.
I only hope as I continue to bring my mind and body into harmony that this will only continue to get better.
-SoShy
Hi SoShy, yes there are some wonderful, helpful people here, girls and guys too. And one thing I will throw in- it is a difficult journey but it does get easier, especially when you get to the point where you know beyond a doubt that you are finally on the right path to recovery. I'd say with the way you feel about just coming out here that it is a good sign. I got totally stoked when I finally found a therapist that would see me, even before my first visit! As the other girls here have suggested, a good therapist can help you work out where you are. From there on out, the sky is the limit and never let anyone tell you that you aren't "good enough", or feminine enough, or any of that other stuff. Like Sandy said, know that you are a worthy person. Being true to yourself is essential; we should never have to be ashamed of who we truly are.