Hello everyone.
I joined this forum in the hope that I could share my story and maybe get some advice, because I'm not really sure whether I'm transgender (if that's the right term), and I don't know what to do if I am. I've suspected I might be for about eight years. I've tried to understand my feelings for so long, but really I just don't know and it's really frustrating. I understand that nobody except me can say, "you're transgender", but maybe sharing my feelings and experiences with others, and hearing other people's stories will help me understand my own a little better. So, here goes..
I was born the youngest, and the only male with three older sisters. My parents divorced when I was nine, and I moved with my mother and sisters to another state. Shortly after my mother's high school friend, and for a time her sister and her sister's daughter. So growing up I was the only male in a house of five to seven females.
In high school, most of my friends were girls. I always felt I had more in common with girls than guys. I was never into sports or partying or drinking or pretty much anything any other guy was interested in at that age. I let my hair grow long past my shoulders, and on bus rides would let my female friends braid my hair while I braided theirs. I did have a girlfriend my senior year of high school, but it was a strange relationship. I think maybe we both just liked the idea of a relationship, but didn't have the emotional connection to back it up. We broke up on good terms about a month after prom. It was also during this time that I started playing female characters in online games, though I had at that time always told people that I was a male playing a female character.
Online games began to allow much more customization of your avatar when I was in college, and more and more I played female characters, and began pretending to be female in real life in these games (I was starting to fantasize about what it would be like to be a woman. I felt awkward and unnattractive as a man). The extent to which I elaborated on this lie culminated in a game called Second Life, which allowed me to explore parts of my personality that I didn't even know were there. I played multiple characters, but the main character was a female called "miya", for whom I created an elaborate fake real-life story of a bisexual girl. I even created a second character so that my "miya" character could have a pretend love interest. Apparently I wasn't clever enough to hold up this elaborate lie, and was eventually found out. I was so ashamed and embarrassed when this happened that I quit Second Life altogether and I haven't played since.
In the meantime, my hair was becoming an issue with my family, but I resisted pressure to cut it until later in college. It was an extremely emotional time for me - my sister issued a thinly veiled ultimatum - cut my hair or she wouldn't let me spend time with my nephews, whom I love very much. When I did I felt like I was cutting away a part of me.
I refer to the next part of my life as "the dark ages", because everything seemed to happen at once. My father died - FAR too early. I never really got to know him and that's a regret I think I will have for a long time. I began having anxiety attacks - which made my grades sink through the floor. Eventually I dropped out of the college I was at and transferred to another, less expensive and less difficult college - after about a year break. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to finish my degree.
After a particularly painful but thankfully short lived relationship, I met the woman who would later become my wife. We clicked on so many levels, and made me far more comfortable as a man. So much so that I started to think maybe all my fantasies of being a woman were a phase. The problem is that I still sometimes fantasize about what it would be like to be a woman. I don't do anything to express these thoughts. They come and go.
Anyway, that's my story. Hopefully it wasn't too boring for y'all.
Hi and welcome.
There are no easy answers to sexuality. Am I Gay am I trans, guess what? it doesn't really matter. I am ME. The only answer that matters. If you are happy, be content. If you need to move into more of a feminine relationship, well can you do that with your wife just showing a more feminine nature. And no, I don't mean running around in sexy lingere and expecting a BJ. But more sharing roles, do the house work, do the washing, do the cooking, do the ironing.
Guess what the sexy side of being female fades pretty damn quick. The part of being in a relationship can and will build. I and many others will swear on anything, that if you are not TG never ever ever go down that path. Some of us have too, it's a terrible road, but one if you need to, you face.
Love
Cindy
Jero--- I would suggest you try and find a therapist or someone well vbersedin gender issues weither it be on line or in person Even if you find that perhaps you are gay, to me no big wup ! Look we were all made to love one annother and beleive it or not help one annother , Gee did I really say that ? look I'm not a professional Therapist , I'm a recovering alcoholic from years of self abuse . I have a small support group in Richmond Va. and I will offer help where I feel qualified to do . Ellen Shaver
Welcome JeroMiya.
What am I? ??? Yeah, that can be a big puzzle. :P
From your introduction, I would guess that you are transgender, but that covers a wide range. Whether you are transsexual or not is another question. As Ellen said, we sometimes need help puzzling out the answer. Only you can answer the questions, but a guide - a therapist - can help you find the answers for yourself.
Some of what you wrote matches my story a bit here and there. I thought I was a crossdresser but now know I'm TS. Getting from there to here took a while with lots of steps in the middle. Just take one step at a time and you will get where you belong.
Good luck!
- Kate
Hi Jero, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 2700 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
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Janet