I was just wondering. It happened to me when I was talking to my best friend. I mentioned how I felt like I should be a boy. I suddenly kept pouring out my feelings and it was very hard and I was ashamed, but I finally admitted to myself that I am transgendered. How about any of you?
I knew something was wrong when I was four. I first admitted to myself that I was TS many years later after coming out as TG to my doctor, therapist, minister, friends, congregation, and just about anyone else who would listen (thus coming out to myself :P).
- Kate
I just admitted it to myself in the last year and I am 40. But the truth is that I knew for a fact at the onset of puberty. I worked very hard to convince myself that I liked girls and was a normal heterosexual male. Of course, in that time I never allowed anyone to take a picture of me and I very seldom would look at myself in a mirror. I don't really have a valid excuse for why I denied my true nature for so long but I have been very unhappy for a long time. Heck, I remember the first time I noticed my adams apple. Absolutely just wanted to die. Fortunately, I didn't off myself but it was definitely touch and go.
I knew all along but didn't know what it was called. I admitted it to myself as soon as I knew what being trans was, which was about a year and a half ago, I was 17. I don't see being trans as a bad thing or something that I should be ashamed of so it wasn't hard admitting it to myself. It was actually a lot easier to have the label, because for so long I had no idea why I was the way I was.
(ugh, this is so out-of-order and makes NO sense, but here goes)
Specifically trans? Just a couple weeks ago. I've had really bad body dysphoria for years and years now, and only recently came to terms with the fact that it's not been my (->-bleeped-<-ty) life causing it, but my actual body... after a very long process of dealing with the effects of said (->-bleeped-<-ty) life and resolving a lot of residual crap from that. Even though the problems are at peace, I still couldn't handle my body; it was a really bad source of anxiety that I'd somehow 'missed something'... that I hadn't exorcised that one demon, so to speak, that lingered and made me hate my body so much.
All the way back as far as I can remember, I wanted to be 'genderless'; to rip out my female-reproductive-organs (and sew it shut afterwards); but it's only over the past year and a half or so, with a wonderful partner, that I've come to terms with the idea of 'physical intimacy' and realized that I was 'missing something', so to speak.
A little embarrassed, that I had been very obviously lesbian (from the age of 7 or 8, I remember admiring female bodies) and never had learned what 'trans' was; despite causing massive amounts of trouble at school in a conservative place trying to start a GSA and getting a bunch of people together to do 'Day of Silence' and other sorts of events.
I always just honestly figured I was different or broken. It's... indescribably nice to have a more positive way to look at things.
I knew from a very young age, but I wouldn't actually admit it to myself completely until I was almost 19. Throughout the years I just kept ignoring it, or trying to find some excuse why I wasn't really trans, even though I knew they were really all BS. When I went off to college it really started to set in that this was real, and it wasn't going anywhere until I got off my butt and did something about it. It was probably some combination of being away from home, in a more LGBT friendly environment, and the fact that I had already almost come out 2 times before...
I came out to myself and started transitioning as much as possible about 3 years ago. I was 27. I like how you used the phrase 'admit to yourself'. That's exactly what I called it.
For me, I always knew something was different about me because I was not like the other boys. My friends were always girls, and they could talk me to like another girl. This was very confusing when puberty hit. I would be confided in about boobs developing, periods and boys. I would listen and which I was a part of their world for real.
I thought I was one of those '->-bleeped-<-s', a word that was thrown around in the early 60's, and it must have shown because I was the target for any guy looking to prove he was macho. But the girls would come to my aid, as they did for any other girl who was bullied and in their circle.
I saw Christine Jorgenson interviewed on the Phil Donahue Show. And she mentioned the word "transsexual" and what she went thru. And I had to know more. I read her story, Jan Morris', and Rene Richards. And everything they was talking about was as if they had lived my life. And I looked into what SRS was and that sealed it. I knew I was to become the woman that I was not born as.
I am on the journey and will have SRS, one day. My Love always tells me that the Goddess gives us what we need, not what we want. The Goddess has finally put me on the path. And one day She will give me the ability to fund SRS. If my Love goes first, then so be it. I will follow one day.
And she is now my life and love. I Love You, Babe, very much.
Janet
I always felt that I should have been a boy. The earliest memory I have on the subject was when I was 2 or 3. I guess I was 17 or 18 when I started seriously thinking about "having a sex change". Unfortunately, I didn't have the resources to get information about it, and I eventually told myself that A) I would never have the money for such a thing. (I didn't know how cheap and effective hormones are) and B) if it wasn't the "real thing" it wasn't good enough. So I shoved the idea into the back of my head and went about trying to find a female identity that I could live with. That resulted in me living 98% of the time in a fantasy world and eating to dampen the pain of never being able to be "real". 15 years and 100 pounds later I finally realized that the pain of staying as I was was greater than my fear of being trans (read: a freak). And frankly, I've never been happier. I wish I'd had the balls to do this years ago.
Long before I ever knew or heard the word.
When I was...around twelve, I think...I decided that I was "secretly" a gay man. Then I kinda glanced down at myself, said "goddammit" and figured that there was nothing that could be done about it.
Then this year came around, and I somehow learned that there was something that could be done about it, that I didn't have to be stuck in a female body that I hated. I mulled it over for a while, decided that transitioning was what I really wanted to do, and as of May began actively trying to present as male. (much to the dismay of my parents...although my friends were all completely unsuprised)
Known I was not seen by others as I saw myself since about 3. Didn't know what trans was until 20, admitted that I was trans about 25, waited til kids were out of school and on their own before actually going forward. Some ways I wish I had started sooner but, I was a single parent and social services are weird. I was NOT about to risk losing my kids over my own probs.
My story's not as exciting as all of yours.
I never really seemed to have a problem with my gender identity until recently. In fact I was not very self-aware and didn't notice gender differences very much. When puberty hit though, I began to question them. At some point I just started to lose my femininity. I've never really gotten along with girls (although I am something of a loner.) And now that I'm older, it all seems so shallow. I'd be much more comfortable as a guy in short. And as time went on, I've become more and more uncomfortable with my body (perhaps puberty is the cause, that foul beast of a process.)
So I found out what a transsexual was, was critical, got more information, rejected it, finally admitted to myself. Now I'm counting the days until I can move out, start therapy and start injecting T. Just biding my time.
SilverFang
I didn't figure out I was technically trans till last week ( yeah not long ago). I had been boyish my entire life and was jealous of the male population since early childhood. I felt different or misplaced among the girls. I didn't play with them or even think like them. My friends that I gravitated towards were guys who had the same interests as me such as comics, action figures, video games, and so forth.
As years went by, whenever a show on transsexuals or gender change came on ( I am a geek. I always loved discovery channel and National geographic ) I found myself envious and angry. Of course I grew up in a christian household so I never spoke up on these feelings. I would often lay in bed at night and think how great it would be to wake up as the other sex. What I should be. I have played out most of my fantasies through role playing as men ( in person and in text ).
It wasn't till recent years with my girlfriend that I started discovering through happy accidents ( tests in psychology class that measure brain gender for instance ) that there was a reason for the way I was. My mind wasn't a girl's at all. No wonder my girlfriend always joked saying I was really a man... maybe she wasn't joking lol. She was the one that seriously pointed out that I may have been born with a male brain.
I looked into it and found out all the information on what I was.
I am very open with my girlfriend and it wasn't long till I announced my desire for a gender change.
I hate lying and putting up a facade so I am going to do what makes me happy for once instead of worrying on pleasing others.
I've always felt like I should have been a boy and "joked" about it many many times over the years, if I had a penny for every time a friend or family member said "man you are such a bloke" I'd be rich. I just didn't have any idea that it was possible. Wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I stumbled upon some hormone info and a little lightbulb went off in my head
Post Merge: July 28, 2009, 03:20:03 AM
Quote from: CodyJess on July 27, 2009, 10:19:21 PM
I always just honestly figured I was different or broken. It's... indescribably nice to have a more positive way to look at things.
That's exactly how I felt
Quote from: Jeatyn on July 28, 2009, 03:16:39 AM
Wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I stumbled upon some hormone info and a little lightbulb went off in my head
Isn't that light bulb useful that way? ... what a life saver. The solution is obvious now.
I never ever felt like a woman and always had the peculiar sense of feeling like a man in drag which of course makes sense now. Although I saw myself as male inside my head if that makes sense and lived vicariously through a male personna on the internet I didn't come out until 3 years ago when on holiday in America I read a magazine article on FTM transexuals. It was like a light had been switched on in my life (a cliche I know but a true one), suddenly everything made sense, all the awkward bits that just didn't seem to fit and seemed wrong about me suddenly fit perfectly.
I came out to myself and to my partner shortly afterwards and have been living as a man ever since. In myself I have never been happier or felt more free.
Only a few months ago actually, before that I called myself genderqueer it didn't really fit but I never even thought that I could be trans for some reason. When I was younger I always felt like a boy but I never questioned my gender, I didn't start doing that till sometime this year, I think thats because I have an aunt who is a very butch lesbian and growing up I always explained my not feeling like a girl by thinking that I was like her.
Quote from: CodyJess on July 27, 2009, 10:19:21 PM
I always just honestly figured I was different or broken. It's... indescribably nice to have a more positive way to look at things.
Amen.
(From the other side of the aisle)
- Kate
I had my first realization that I was NOT actually a boy at age 4 when I saw a real boy and realized I didn't have the required equipment. Logic told me I must be a girl, I had girl parts, but that didn't stop me from using men's restrooms and the boys room in school if I knew I wouldn't get caught. I was very much a tomboy. Puberty was hard, I ended up trying to suppress my developing body by becoming anorexic. Thought I might be gay as a teen, as I imagined myself having sex with girls, though I was always a boy in those thoughts and dreams, and discarded that thought.
Finally gave up and just tried to make the best of things, not knowing I was trans, figuring I was just weird. Started poking around 1.5 yrs ago and light bulbs went off when I started chatting online with an FTM from CA. And then I transitioned and haven't looked back.
Jay
I was in various forms of denial until about 2 years ago..
Before that I'd used terms like "Sometimes" or "maybe" or "if", and said, to myself more than to others that I wouldn't be "happy" with either one sex, that I'd just have to learn to live with what I got.
Then I realized all the maybes and sometimes and things just weren't right, weren't honest.. and I found myself looking at myself in the mirror.. and I knew I had to "do" something about it or I'd end up slitting my wrists
I think I'm still in the process of admitting it to myself in words. But like many others I always knew something was wrong/different. I always wanted to pee standing up and wear pants, much to my mother's joy (NOT).
I've ID'd as lesbian for many years and the shoe never really fit. I new it was possible to "change sex" but always figured that FTMs looked like their femanine self with more hair lol. So I convinced myself that I was just a masculine female. I get mistaken for a male all the time, but then get the whole "oh I'm sorry" when/if people figure out I'm not. After having enough of that I came across stories and pics of FTMs transitioning.
Then I started researching transition and stumbled across vids on youtube and was glued!!! I ended up going like $350 over my internet cap plan lol!! And I still don't care (usually I get cranky!)
It's amazing to find out that I am not alone in my feelings. I always thought it was me against the world... It's awesome to find a "team"!!
Cheers
Jay
I... Don't know if I've had a moment in which I've had to admit to myself that I was transgendered. Throughout my life, there has been body dysphoria and very obvious identification to the male gender, but I never gave these things a name. Much of the time, I simply thought I was a normal girl who felt "too fat"; a term I used to describe my discomfort with the early stages of puberty, when I began to develop breasts and curves, which were so foreign to me. As I was socially inept and unable to understand what others were thinking or feeling, I simply came to the conclusion that I was just like anyone else. And looking back, sometimes I said things I had no explanation for. I told my brother, when I was merely six years old, that I was his brother and had been in a horrible accident, and that was why I didn't have a penis. Did I think anything of it at the time, or how strangely complete I felt peeing with a funnel cup? No, not at all. In my mind, I almost convinced myself that I was that boy who had been through that accident. Maybe I was saying it more to myself than to him.
There have been "whens" and "ifs", as I've seen some say already. I would daydream about how I'd grow up to be like certain men I idolized, or as I grew older, how I would get that vague "sex change" to do so. I didn't know about hormones or surgeries, but I figured if I had enough money, I could go under the knife and come out male. I didn't know what exactly was involved, but I wanted it.
But these were daydreams, and bringing all of this into the real world is... well, dizzying. I never did admit to myself that I was trans, I just lived with it.
All I've done, for the past five months or so, is take initiative and decide I may as well get started now. What sparked this decision...? Imagining myself as an old woman, having become more feminine as every year passed. I realized upon reflecting that, were I to live my life as female, there would simply be no point. I would rather die.
So I decided it was severe enough to address right away.
As soon as I knew there was a difference between boys and girls I knew I was a girl. Never fitted into boy society as a child. Have never regarded myself as male. Didn't help anything. Told my parents at about 13 that I was female and not male. Didn't go well.I think things have got easier, at least in Wealthy society at recognising GID. I have never thought myself as transgendered. I've always thought me as being female. I really cannot describe the feelings I have. I am female. The body isn't. I have always been female. The body never has. I think the more I talk to people on this site the same story appears in MtF and FtM, we know, we cannot all make it up. Never happended to that nice boy/girl at Mrs Smiths' house. Lucky bitch/dude (not meant to offend).
I wish I was normal.
I AM.
Cindy
I always wanted to grow up to be a man. I've always felt that's how it should be, but I only got the guts to go after it earlier this year after losing almost everything. It was in that loss that I gained the freedom to do what I wanted... and I decided I needed to chase the future that's best for me and not the future others think I should have.
I've known something was up as a kid, and said nothing.
I figured it out when I was about 14, but did and said nothing. I gave up on doing anything because I didn't think it was a realistic option. So, I tried to live as female. That led to major depression, a wasted dropout life, and punching walls saying I'm actually a man in fits of rage. Sometimes, in pure rage we can discover the truth about what's really bothering us - but we have to be willing to listen.
Finally, after life went BOOM and a heap of reflection, I made a conscious level headed admittal to being trans and started transition this year.
I think someone's been typing cheat codes in my console... 'cause life's just gotten a damn sight easier :laugh:.
Interestingly, I also decided to make the leap when I lost everything I had at the time. I'd recently dropped out of school as well. Rather than get aggressive, though, I simply faded away. Started staying in bed most days. It was like I was on my death bed.
There were times throughout my childhood that I would burst into fits of rage, or burst into tears about what I thought to be absolutely nothing at all. There was something frustrating me, and I used different excuses for its source... There were times that I passed by myself in the mirror and was so overcome with hatred I wanted to break things. Or tried. I even tried to express these things to my parents in the form of "I hate being a girl", or "men are so lucky", or even with "I want to be an actor, but I can't act as male characters, so I'm going to go off and get a sex change and name myself George."
Hiding the truth in a joke is so easy.
I remember being around the age of 4 when I first wanted to be a boy. My friend had told me that boys were more likely to be stung by bees (I doubt this is true) and I said "I'm glad I'm not a boy." I felt pretty happy for a minute or so until I realized that I didn't care how many bees stung me, so long as I could be a boy. It didn't make logical sense to me that I could be male, as far as I was concerned I had a vagina, that made me female. So I just wished I were male.
Then as a teen (10 months ago) I heard the term 'transgender' and said to myself, "That's what I am!" I wasn't in denial at all, it was like something just clicked that I could be, and was, a boy. Since then I've been gathering infromation on the subject and started to view myself as male.
I knew quite early that there was something very wrong. I was about 8 I think.
But as I entered puberty I came to the conclusion that I was a ->-bleeped-<- not transsexual because I read so many stories of transsexuals losing their fortunes, family, and careers and becoming prostitutes and drug addicts. I knew I could never do that, so I must be a ->-bleeped-<-. Besides I didn't like boys, I liked girls, I didn't realize that sexual orientation is different than gender identity.
It wasn't until a few years ago that I came out of denial and admitted that I was a transsexual and not a ->-bleeped-<-.
From that time on I have made pretty good progress, I think, in coming to terms with being transsexual! :D
-Sandy
Quote from: Sandy on July 30, 2009, 04:15:57 PM
I knew quite early that there was something very wrong. I was about 4 I think.
But as I entered puberty I came to the conclusion that I was a ->-bleeped-<- not transsexual because I read so many stories of transsexuals losing their fortunes, family, and careers and becoming prostitutes and drug addicts. I knew I could never do that, so I must be a ->-bleeped-<-. Besides I didn't like boys, I liked girls, I didn't realize that sexual orientation is different than gender identity.
It wasn't until this year that I came out of denial and admitted that I was a transsexual and not a ->-bleeped-<-.
From that time on I have made pretty good progress, I think, in coming to terms with being transsexual! :D
-Sandy
What Sandy said (with two small edits :)).
- Kate
Kate/Sandy
I dont wont to be rude but your accounts seem a bit dubious. How can you be well read about transexulism in your teens when the internet wasnt around. I doubt that there would be many books around. Personally myself it hit me at 38 when someone suggested I might have gender conflict. Until then I always thought I was a bit different, but now it all makes sence.
Quote from: Krissy_Australia on July 31, 2009, 07:46:05 AM
Kate/Sandy
I dont wont to be rude but your accounts seem a bit dubious. How can you be well read about transexulism in your teens when the internet wasnt around. I doubt that there would be many books around. Personally myself it hit me at 38 when someone suggested I might have gender conflict. Until then I always thought I was a bit different, but now it all makes sence.
Krissy:
I don't think it is rude at all.
"Well read" is a relative term. The only information I had when I was in my teens was the sensationalist news accounts television interviews of transsexuals. One of the television interviews I watched was about a trans woman who became a stripper and her show was called "Kary and her 45's". Then her breasts started to sag so she had reduction surgery and changed her show to "Kary and her 38's". She was not someone I wanted to emulate. There was the book by Christine Jorgensen but that was about all I had for any serious information. That was why I was convinced I was TV not TS because I never wanted to be a pole dancer or prostitute, but that was all I ever saw.
-Sandy
Quote from: Krissy_Australia on July 31, 2009, 07:46:05 AM
Kate/Sandy
I dont wont to be rude but your accounts seem a bit dubious. How can you be well read about transexulism in your teens when the internet wasnt around. I doubt that there would be many books around. Personally myself it hit me at 38 when someone suggested I might have gender conflict. Until then I always thought I was a bit different, but now it all makes sence.
Oops. I should have read Sandy's post more carefully. I was naive enough in early puberty to still believe I would grow breasts and that other stuff would fall off. By late puberty the hormones had kicked in and all I could think of was how to get laid. :icon_redface: Still, I've had gender issues all my life. Even while I wanted to get into the pants of girls for sex, I was conflicted enough to want to get into their pants to
be them.
I had heard about Chrisitne Jorgensen by the time I entered puberty, but all tales were of her being a freak and I didn't want to be a freak. And then Renee Richards, also played up as a freak. I had heard of others, conflated with drag queens and other marginalized people. This was at a time when you could be assaulted for being gay, go to the police to complain, and be thrown in jail for being a public nuisance. I could only imagine what being TS would get you.
When I was about 40, still before the internet, I found a public library with a good TS collection – Renee Richards' book as well as Jan Morris' and a few others, plus some more scientific ones, including something by Benjamin.
I looked into transitioning at that time but I would surely lose my job (military) and all tales were that I would end up on society's margins, where there is a much smaller cushion against violence and jail than what I was used to. I just couldn't face it.
This is a different time. Just being able to "talk" with all of you is enormously helpful, beyond anything that was available 25 years ago.
I'm sorry for the long post, but I'm afraid many people don't understand how different the world was not too long ago. The world today is surely not perfect, but people are
far more accepting now than they were. We
are making progress. ;D
- Kate
I always knew that there's something wrong...
Since I can remember I always played with boys, wore boys clothes... I was one of the boys! But when I was old enough to understand that there are differences between boys and girls, I wanted to be a boy... Someone told me when I was young that if a girl goes under the rainbow it would become a boy and vice versa... So every time I saw a rainbow I would try to run under it... :(
Anyway, when I entered puberty i tried to be a girl and just to ... It never worked.
I had a "normal" lif, but something was missing...
One night I was sitting in my room, talking with my best friend over the phone, and we both were watching American wrestling. In one moment, Randy Orton ( ::)) was on the screen, and she said how cute he was... I said "Well, yeah", but the thing that crossed my mind was "I wan't to look like that!" For a second, I was a bit confused... I finished the conversation with my friend after a few minutes, and I start thinking about it... And I think that was a day I admitted to myself that I'm trans. :)
And that girl was the first (and only) person I told that I'm trans...
3 months ago. ok so this is a little strange. i am going to be 59 next month. i ventured into the toronto trans scene a year ago. yes it was sexual fascination. didnt understand it. knew i wanted it. couldnt explain it. still cant really explain it to anyone. i feel i do not belong to the male gender. in restrspect i never did. women. yes well they can be lovely but they would have to fit extreme parameters. i knew the moment i saw a transwoman i had found my "tribe'. it wasnt just sexual. i am for the most a very spiritual person but not religious. it was and is like somehow after all these years i simply knew the truth about me. i luv transwomen and i am becoming one. if anything perhaps two spirited would explain me more. but i also know that i am going to use the remaining years of my life to push for the policical acceptance and guarantee of transgenered rights. it amases me to suddenly know that i seem to intuitively understand trans issues. i still have much to learn but after a heart attack 6 months ago, severe suicidal depression in april, i have to get a move on. i have to control my life the way i want and will not be a slave to anyone or anything. I now decide how i will live being the true me. HRT is three months away.
Its interesting. Ive heard so many stories of ftms who ran to the boys section of clothes as little kids. I never did that..I think because I either didn't care or didn't think it was acceptable. Now I feel free to do whatever I want. And its awesome
self acceptance is empowering. i have been shopping for fem clothes now atleast four times and have simply told the clerks i am trans. they help immediately as if i were sixteen and needed all the help i can get. this includes todays shopping spree for makeup. omg the costs.
Quote from: Calistine on August 01, 2009, 10:59:43 PM
Ive heard so many stories of ftms who ran to the boys section of clothes as little kids.
Only as kids? :laugh:
Though I suppose technically it became walked to the mens section ;)
Quote from: Teknoir on August 02, 2009, 06:58:58 AM
Only as kids? :laugh:
Though I suppose technically it became walked to the mens section ;)
Yeah, me as well; and my mother always tried to persuade me to buy in the women's section xD
Though, I first admitted to myself that I am trans only one and a half year ago, when I was 17, and came out only a few months later. My problem was I had never heard of ftm before...I only knew the mtf way...
Well, I didn't run to the boy's isle when I was young...
But I didn't even think about clothes. My parents dressed me in what they dressed me; they never told me "dresses are for little girls and pants are for little boys", and even though they dressed me in girl's clothes, they never really gendered me. It was a piece of fabric over my head – I didn't think much else of it. When I got old enough to like clothes, I hated dresses with such a passion that I tried to convince my other friends to stop wearing them. It really depends upon how gendered you are as a child, and also how you are as a person. I was a pretty androgynous child but always felt that I took on a male role. Even when I was 5.
But we're all different.
Quote from: Adrian on August 02, 2009, 01:56:21 PM
Well, I didn't run to the boy's isle when I was young...
But I didn't even think about clothes. My parents dressed me in what they dressed me; they never told me "dresses are for little girls and pants are for little boys", and even though they dressed me in girl's clothes, they never really gendered me. It was a piece of fabric over my head – I didn't think much else of it. When I got old enough to like clothes, I hated dresses with such a passion that I tried to convince my other friends to stop wearing them. It really depends upon how gendered you are as a child, and also how you are as a person. I was a pretty androgynous child but always felt that I took on a male role. Even when I was 5.
But we're all different.
I was similar to you..my mom always bought my clothes for me. But I HATED dresses. I haven't owned one in years and I wore one the other day for the first time in over a year, and it was only for a costume.
I usually demanded I be able to wear pants, but there were the odd occaisions where my mother won and I was put in a dress... Like for kinder pics and then about 2 mins after the photos I was back in pants out in the dirt!! ;D
The last dress I wore was for school, and even that was a stretch for me... I never understood why I couldn't just wear pants and shorts like all the other boys... Yet another "DUH" moment, and the only skirts I ever owned I got issued to me when I was in the Navy... They're still hanging on the exact same hangers from when I first got them - perfectly pressed, not a pleat out of order 8)
Jay
I just always thought I was a pervert. From the age of three, I was embarrassed to tell anyone about myself. I didn't think of it in the terms that it is commonly discussed. "All I want is to be a girl" was the way I put it. I didn't even hear the word "transsexual" until I had nearly finished college (I'm glad for that actually). For once I found that word, I started thinking about it, wondering about it, reading every published article that caught my eye. I looked up the books in the school library. All they had was Harry Benjamin's book. I carefully concealed it between a couple standard calculus texts and sequestered myself in a corner desk and read it one afternoon. I remember that I was especially hateful of the people who had torn out the pictures. I wanted information.... and all they had wanted was something to poke fun at or get off on.
So.... admit to myself? I suppose it was my earliest thought. Commit to do something about it? Far later than I should have. I made a big mistake and "counseled" with my Mormon church leaders. They told me to get married and have children and to attend the temple often. How poor their advice was. I'm grateful that I did have children (although they wish nothing to do with me), but because of that horrible advice, many people suffered years of sadness.
My advice to anyone who thinks they've got this...... don't get married and have kids till you've got it sorted out!
Cindi
I all but believed I was a boy until I was 8, when the horrendous chest lumps started growing. By 10 I knew I was solely attracted to girls, so I figured I must be gay, but it never really fit. At 18, I watched Boys Don't Cry, which was the first time I'd ever heard anything about ftms... before that, I thought trans people were only mtf (likely due to the lack of exposure at the time). Boys Don't Cry, however, scared the s*** out of me, and while I totally recognized myself in it, I decided I'd be happier being gay, even if it didn't really fit. At 22, though, I started really looking into it again, and came out to one friend that year... he didn't take it well at all. Got into a horrible relationship with a guy who mostly identified as a girl, while I was mostly identifying as a guy, and when that ended, I decided to go for it and transition. So I guess I admitted it to myself at 22, went mostly full-time at 23, then totally full-time at 24, and started T at 25. I'm slow.
SD
Quote from: Sebastien on August 06, 2009, 06:04:23 PM
So I guess I admitted it to myself at 22, went mostly full-time at 23, then totally full-time at 24, and started T at 25. I'm slow.
SD
That's slow?
SilverFang
I can't remember a time when i haven't known. Literally from the age I could talk I was telling my mom I was a boy. I never really REJECTED being trans. I more just figured there wasn't much that could be done to change that sorta thing, and so I just lived with it. Then I started dating my ex who really noticed how awfully uncomfortable with myself i am and convinced me that it wasn't so absurd to try to do something about it along with helping me on my way/motivating me further than just the deciding to do something. That was around 2 years ago.
Since I was about...well I was around four or five years old I had always wished I was a boy. But until recently I didn't know about being transgender. One morning I was joining a gay christian forum and it asked me for my gender. It had a side note next to the choice that said "If you identify as trans, pick the gender you want to be referred to as". I thought for a couple seconds and I just chose "Male". I posted an introduction post on the forum and used the name "Eddie". That was the day I admitted to myself that I'm trans. And ever since then, I've been male. It felt like something inside me had been awakened and free
I'm sure that last part sounded kind of lame but I didn't know how else to word it. Lol
i always knew something was different....little things as a kid (pretending to shave, seeing intersex documentaries and wondering if that happened to me, saying it would be better to be a boy, etc), and never really feeling quite right. plus, i never really paid attention to my body before age 17 or 18 - i just figured since i was the fat kid, that was why i didn't like my body. then around 19 i used a male persona online and it felt so RIGHT, it threw me into a lot of confusion and social anxiety that my body didn't look like i wanted it to (i didn't really realize then that it was gender related).
then when i got with my now-ex after having been on antidepressants and mostly ignoring it (even though i thought of myself as a drag queen more than a girl, duh moment), she introduced me to the LGBT community and thus transsexuality. i didn't understand it at first, but decided genderqueer made sense to me. cue finding Susan's. After seeing more of people's experiences and my relationship problems around sex and then really really examining myself, i began thinking transition sounded more right. of course, even now i think "what the hell am i thinking?!" and try to deny it by saying "if" i transition, "maybe" i can do it, "maybe" i can be happy as a girl...
so really, i still haven't admitted it to myself completely. i've admitted to myself that no i'm not a girl, yes i am more of a guy, but the "can i do this? is this the way to be happy?" question remains.
(sorry for the long windedness, but it was as much for myself as anything ;D)
I first admitted it to myself about a month ago. I've been questioning my gender for about a year, though the feeling of...not belonging, I guess, have been there for a LONG time. I just couldn't figure out why I felt that way. When I was younger I was a complete tomboy - wore boys clothes, hung out with mostly boys, had short hair, did typically "boys" things. I was always mistaken for a boy, but when my mom corrected them, they always apologized, and I remember wondering why, it was kind of nice. When I got older, I started trying to assimilate due to peer pressure, but it never felt right. So now at 15, I've finally figured it out. As soon as I did a little research, I knew this "fit". :)
I always knew that something was different about me since I was a child. Never understood what it was. Crossdressed as a teenager, and throughout my life. It was not until 2003 did I understand that I was a late stage transsexual. I am only late stage because I did not know until then. Now I realize that I was always trans.
When?.. Spring 2003, I knew then.
Brenda
Quote from: bernii on August 29, 2009, 11:52:15 PM
I always knew that something was different about me since I was a child. Never understood what it was. Crossdressed as a teenager, and throughout my life. It was not until 2003 did I understand that I was a late stage transsexual. I am only late stage because I did not know until then. Now I realize that I was always trans.
When?.. Spring 2003, I knew then.
Brenda
Late term. I like that. Ive always known something was up but I didnt always think it was that I was a boy inside. Now I realize..
I've been fairly socially isolated my whole life - my younger sister was the tomboy, always playing with toy cars and climbing trees, but since I didn't really play at all, had no interest in what clothes I was put in, had no real contact with either boys or girls in primary school after being more or less ostracised with alleged selective mutism until I was about eight... gender was never a real issue for me. Having said that, I naturally placed myself in the male categories in teams, even tried football once - God that was a disaster - and, I think, just generally assumed everybody ignored burgeoning evidence of their feminity, as it were. It was only at about age fourteen when I suddenly realised I had to start socialising because being bullied was boring, and consequently spent two years or so posing as a female that I thought something was going on. Being assessed for Asperger's, I thought, would be a way out, but the psychiatrist wouldn't diagnose me beause I wasn't male and she hadn't seen Asperger's in a girl before. Additionally, ignorant specimen that I am, I sort of assumed that changing from female to male 'wasn't allowed', as well as when watching a documentary about breast augmentation at about age ten, I assumed that reduction also wasn't allowed, somehow, and thence dismissed the matter.
Excitingly, finding I had to confront the fact that appearing female was putting on an act coincided with the sort of teenage angsty years which lead to a lot of unpleasantness for all involved, so I believe, and it was about a year ago precisely that I decided 'no, I'm fed up with pretending and being confused'. Personally, the issue of gender was always tied up with that of sexuality, and I still haven't been able to separate the two - am I physically inclined towards males or do I just want to emulate them?, for instance. But I came out, as it were, to a friend of mine at about the same time as I started binding and actively seeking out male clothes. Mother, for reasons unknown, confiscated my binder and the penis I had and forbade me from wearing male clothes or cutting my hair short, and that's still going on, but during sixth form there's too much going on what with university applications and A levels to bother with equivocation, which is really what's spurred my decision to just get the hell on with it - will be going to the doctors in the next few weeks.
Anyway, apologies for cathartic drivel: my story is in fact not too different from a lot of others I daresay.
I've doubted myself since I was about 12. I was always the tomboy, but the other 'tomboys' were a lot girlier than me even. It was that age I started realising I liked girls too. From then untill now, I've always had a bit of doubt in my mind about my gender, but I don't remember the exact time I admitted that something was 'different' about me. I first identified as androgynous though, which later became 'something between androgynous and male'.
Quote from: Jimmy1669 on August 31, 2009, 07:44:35 AM
Personally, the issue of gender was always tied up with that of sexuality, and I still haven't been able to separate the two - am I physically inclined towards males or do I just want to emulate them?
Heh, I know that feeling. But it is possible for the answer to be both, and that's perfectly ok.
I've since learnt the type of male I "like" in that awkward way, and the type I want to emulate parts of are different. It took a while to seperate the two.
Quote from: Jimmy1669 on August 31, 2009, 07:44:35 AM
Anyway, apologies for cathartic drivel: my story is in fact not too different from a lot of others I daresay.
Sometimes (especially early on) it's just nice to get it out there in a place where you're not being judged and other people can relate to your experiances.
Welcome :).
Maybe I knew in my teen years. It wasn't until years later when I came out to others that I truly accepted the fact. It became a need rather than a desire to be feminine.