Where to start...I have so much to say about myself and no idea how to say it.
My name is Maxx. About a year ago, I came out to myself that I was a guy. I remember crying and finally feeling comfortable/happy with myself. After that, I did a lot of research. Read sites, even forum posts here...Just collecting information to try to piece together the puzzle that is my life and to try not to feel so alone. It was only a few months ago that I started living as a man(online only). I have friends who know me as Maxx, an internet boyfriend(who knows fully about me being born a girl...actually has a funny story attached to coming out to him, because it turns out he's ftm too...I'll post it in the coming out later.). I have a life as Maxx, and since living that life, I have felt happy, secure, and have come to love who I am as a person. So, I feel like it's time for me to finally post on here and really talk to people who get some of what I'm going through.
It is still hard for me to look in a mirror, but even so, when I do...I don't focus on what I see. Instead, I like to look and imagine what can be and what will be. Looking at it that way helps me cope, I suppose.
So...I guess now I'll describe what it was like to grow up. Well, in a way, I always knew that I was a boy. At the age of 7 or so, I noticed how different I was. In fact, so did the people around me. I remember a kid asking me once if I was a boy or a girl, and I honestly didn't know how to answer. At the time, my mother insisted, "Of course you're a girl. What a stupid question! I can't believe that kid asked that." I have nothing against that response. To any average person with no knowledge that a child can be confused in that way, it's the most logical response. It just didn't sit well with me, though. It felt so wrong.
As I got older, I started distancing myself from girls. I hated being near them. I acted out. Protested against anything pink, glittery, or cute. My hair was long, but permanently pulled back in a messy, tangled pony tail. I wore all black clothes...and if I *had* to wear makeup, it was heavy punk eyeliner and eyeshadow, never anything more. If a girl talked to me as if I was supposed to understand her interests, it pissed me off. "So, like, I love going shopping and trying on clothes. Don't you just love the mall?"..No...I don't. I never have. When I was little, I'd throw a fit if I had to try on clothes(especially dresses), and...heaven forbid if my mom tried to play with my hair, haha. I'm nothing like that now, especially since I came to an understanding of myself, but still...I don't care for shopping(unless it's for music, movies, or video games.)
Anyway, I was so confused. I started trying to commit suicide around the age of 9. I remember trying to drown myself in the tub, wrapping an electrical cord around my neck to strangle myself, and even trying to work up the courage to overdose on pills. At 11, I tried slicing my throat during school with a sharp object I had in my backpack. I started therapy and..well, that lasted a very short time. The lady really didn't even try to understand, I had a VERY hard time talking to her. I did get something out of it though...the general understanding that I just hated all females...young and old. At least, I did at the time.
Around that time, I became making friends with the guys in my class. My age range was finally at the point where males could be friends with females without it being "gross." My friends were awesome, understanding, nerdy...My kind of people. We played video games together, talked about stupid guy stuff...they viewed me as a girl, but as one of them said..."It's just weird to think of you that way. You act like us." At the time, I didn't realize just how true those words were. I still felt different. I dwelled on the physical, instead of the emotional/mental aspects of who I was. I was still really depressed and I hated it when people expected me to know/understand girl stuff.
It wasn't easy, but I got through middle school. High school is a different story. I started cutting myself in 9th grade. I had a boyfriend, but I hated the way he looked at me(after we broke up, he came out as gay...which I find pretty interesting now). I was just...completely out of my mind. Convincing myself that it wasn't me with the problem, but it was everyone else, I ran away with a person from the internet(stupid, I know), and was quickly returned home. After a long period of reflection, I realized I had to figure out, on my own, what was going on inside me. I dropped out of high school after my 16th birthday, got my GED, and began college a year later. I remember looking in the mirror once at 17, hair pulled back...that I said, "Hmm...I look kinda like a guy."......Oh, I cried. I cried so hard. I went home and started trying to find answers. I found them. Transgender...I had never heard that word before, but it made sense. I read stories that seemed to match mine so much. I began thinking over my life, my emotions, my mental state. Everything began slowly clicking into place. The more I thought over my life, the more it made sense. The more I saw myself that way, the better I felt. I was so happy. I started smiling, laughing. People said they saw a change in me.
I'm 18 now, and to be honest, I know I'm very young, immature, and still have....a very long way to go. I don't believe I'll ever find all the answers, but I can try to find as many as possible. I love who I am.
"Look at me, I will never pass for the perfect bride, or the perfect daughter. Can it be, I'm not meant to play this part? Now I see if I were truly to be myself, I would break my family's heart. Who is this girl I see, staring straight, back at me? When will my reflection show, who I am inside?"...Those are..lyrics from the movie Mulan. It was my favorite movie as a child...I remember crying to it, connecting to it, even without knowing why. The girl who became a guy(sort of), I remember wanting to be her. I would pull my hair back to look like a boy. *sigh* Those were the days, it was way easier then.
I don't care what anyone thinks anymore. I know who I am, and I've been very, very lucky. I only just came out to my parents today, but they have been so supportive..."We aren't surprised." haha. My dad, the some-what homophobic person who was the entire reason I was living in complete fear of coming out, has actually been more understanding than my mom. I have been so lucky to not really face the problems so many others like myself have faced. My friends have been more than understanding, my family; accepting, and I've only dealt with one case of people treating me rudely(they were 14 year old boys who found out through a friend, and they were questioning their sexuality...so I really, really don't blame them for the things they said.) I am happy with who I am. I love who I am. For the first time, I am imagining a future. It may be hard, but I'm willing to face the trials.
Thank you for listening. I am so sorry that I go on and on like that. It's just nice to get it all out, and I'm sorry if it doesn't make much sense at times.
Hi Maxx, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 2900 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother. :icon_hug:
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Janet
Welcome Maxx,
You will find that your story is much like many of ours. I am glad your not harming yourself at the moment and hope you can find the answers your looking for. I am FTM as well and understand how hard it can be.
People here are like all people with different thoughts and different stories but we share a common theme. You will fit in just fine I think.
Welcome once again.
Hi Maxx
I reckon the important part is to start accepting and to want to live. In your case you are identifying as a boy, male, dude. What the hell can harming yourself change that? You have one shot of life; live it. You are young enough to have a wholesome and totally happy life. Guess what? Do it :angel:
Luv
Cindy,
and no it's not easy
Welcome to Susans, Maxx! :)
Jay
WOW! Maxx, someone with an introduction nearly as long as mine! :D
Welcome to Susan's, I'm glad that you found the answers when you did, I wish the resources existed for me when I was your age. I'm heading in the opposite direction as you MtF, but the feelings of being wrong are very much the same. I'm also happy that your suicide attempts weren't successful and that you are in a place where you are starting to love yourself and accept yourself. No, the road ahead is not going to be easy and pain free, but, I think knowing where you have been and the self-loathing will make the journey a whole lot more tolerable.
I wish you well and much happiness and a long life.
Deanna
Welcome to the forums hun :), you finally have a place where you can be yourself and explore yourself. Feel free to share your thoughts and ask questions. We're here to support each other. Big hug! :icon_hug:
Hi Maxx. Welcome here and its okay to go because were all here to help each other. Your lucky your parents believed that you were a boy. I think thats what matters alot. In any case enjoy your time here :)