Just as a warning, I tend to ramble, but if I'm including it, there's some reason, even if I can't think of it when asked.
Hello.
My name is Vaughn. For the past several years of my life, and especially in the past year, a lot of things have occurred to make me reexamine what it is I truly think of myself. I don't typically do this sort of thing. If I have something to talk about, I will generally go to a close friend, but really, even in the company of some of my closest friends, I choke up when I think I'm going to bring it up. I've always seen things in a different way than most people around me. For a long time I just attributed it to being raised almost wholly by my mother, but I think I've always known that there was something more to it than that.
In the past several months I have spent the vast majority of my time with a good friend of mine who was the first person I was able to open up to, however little, about these feelings. The reasons for it were simple; she was bi-sexual, though really entirely a lesbian in almost every way that counts, and I was in love with her. We talked a decent amount on that part of ourselves, the relationship sometimes being strained by unrequited feelings, but on the whole it survived in whatever manner it could. It was one of my first experiences really spending time with someone who was, in a lot of ways, from a different world than mine. That might sound a bit strange to say, but, keep in mind that I live in the largest city in WV, Charleston, which still isn't very large, and she lives in San Francisco.
As I said we would talk about various things having to do with sexual orientation, gender, that sort of thing. It was just an interesting topic to bring up, really, since neither of us really fell into one defined group. I know I like 'girls', or at least a heavy feminine element to a person, but what really gets me is adding a good bit of masculinity to that as well, a proper mix, I suppose. I can find males sexually attractive, but I can't ever see myself being with someone overly masculine on an emotional level. I really don't know, though, of course, this is mere speculation.
When we'd have a disagreement about something having to do with the aforementioned topic, more than once I'd hear things along the lines of "boys are very different from girls", backed up with various information pertaining to whatever specific point was being discussed. I'd almost always respond in the same manner. I really don't see a difference, and I don't ever really think I have. Sure I see masculine and feminine and what and which I like of each, but seeing a physical appearance never really differentiated that well with me. I treat everyone in much the same way without regard to their sex because of how I think; it just doesn't really come to me.
When I was a little kid I used to have dreams and fantasize about being a girl for a little while. I never really got into cross-dressing because, if I did ever see myself as a girl, it was more of the 'tomboy' sort, so I was already in the kind of clothing I'd prefer. Now I wear clothes that most would see as more masculine, but not overly so, (mostly polo shirts and khakis/cargo pants). Whenever I'm just alone or around the house, though, I'll prefer to wear things a lot more feminine than the typical guy stuff, (shorter shorts, slightly more fitted shirts, etc.) but still not trending tremendously towards one or the other. I don't really like body hair, so I shave almost everything other than the top of my head. I don't mind facial hair from time to time, but it varies. When my friends saw that I shaved my legs, after knowing me for a while (I wear pants 99% of the time), it was strange to some of them at first, but they took it in stride rather well. Based on how I acted when I was most comfortable, I guess it just made sense to them.
Based on my normal behaviors when I actually do open up a little and feel comfortable around others, I'm poked fun of for my more flamboyant posturing and movements/mannerisms. When someone says something and they're behind me, I naturally, reflexively do something akin to a pirouette in order to face them. I don't do it intentionally; it's just what I'm comfortable with. I've never taken any dancing or Ballet lessons, so I'd count that out. Apparently, and it's something I never really noticed before, I shake my buttocks far too much for a guy while I walk. And my walk has been described, by the aforementioned friend, as 'less manly than hers'.
To the people I've gotten really close to; by each I've been called an enigma. I'm definitely masculine, but I'm also exceptionally feminine in my traits, in my qualities, and in other ways as well. I'm comfortable enough in the body I'm in, but in a lot of ways that might just be residual feelings of apathy. What I'd prefer is something in-between, what I've always felt is that. The image I've always longed for and seen myself as is right in the middle, in many ways. I've not told this to anyone really not because I'm afraid that I'd be rejected, but because of how I feel about it myself. I always just thought I was strange, and that I was just that way, I'd have to deal with it, it was just my cross to bear. However, after being lead in one way or another to these forums, and finding out more than I'd previously seen, I feel a sort of lightness coming over me.
I feel better, better than I have in a long time because I've always felt something was wrong, that something was missing, and now I think I might have figured it out. My mind has been running wild with feelings lately; I think my creativity is returning, and I'm feeling better and more determined about life. But, at the same time I'm confused, and not really sure if I'm heading in the right path or if I'm right at all. After doing a fair amount of research, I believe that this section would be the best descriptor available in common terms for describing how I feel about myself, but there's still that nagging bit of me that is always telling me that I'm wrong about something no matter how sure I feel.
I also see myself that way physically. I've been scouring the internet for a more in-depth or detailed account of someone's transformation from mostly masculine to androgynous in whatever ways there are available. Before I really knew anything about all this, I knew what I wanted, what I would feel right as, but I didn't really see any way, so I just resigned myself to living as I am. But now I see things differently, and maybe that hope is what's keeping me going right now.
I didn't want to just write a post asking questions, and there's a lot more to my story than this, this is just the condensed version, so I felt like giving at least a little background. When I was born the birth certificate I received read "female and daughter of" with X's crossing that out and "male and son of" inserted in directly above it. I felt it fit, and really made a lot of sense. I'm curious about HRT, and the effects it has, because after looking at it, it seems like the right way to go. I have my reservations, of course not about the positive effects, but the negative, so I thought I'd come here.
I want to know as much as I can, I'm always like this in wanting to research every little possible thing before making any final decision, so I've come to you all for help. If anyone has any input whatsoever, it would be appreciated. From just reading some of the things here and elsewhere I've found a new light I thought would never come, and I thank you all.
Regards,
Vaughn
PS: I've always viewed myself as somewhat feminine physically, though, I really don't know, so, I took these this morning to get some opinions:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v427/Reize/Untitled0.jpg (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v427/Reize/Untitled0.jpg)
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v427/Reize/Untitled1.jpg (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v427/Reize/Untitled1.jpg)
Welcome Vaughn!!! you're in good company here with others who don't fit the binary.
Z
Hi Vaughn, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 2900 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another member. :icon_hug:
And be sure to check out
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
Blessed Be.
Janet
Welcome to our mad corner of the woods!
I hope you enjoy it as much as we do.
I'm a big fan of sexual orientation and gender ;)
Welcome to the insanity, vaughn :D
We here in this forum are often irreverent, sometimes serious, but always sincere.
And like you, we are all in the middle somewhere.
Hi Vaughn, and welcome!!! :)
Hi, and thanks, I really apprecite the warm welcome. I didn't quite notice the introductions forums until after I posted this, so my apologies about that, but it seems to have worked out fine in spite of that.
It's very nice to meet you all.
If nobody else noticed or were too polite to say...
Nice Legs Riven-One!
Quote from: Nicky on August 09, 2009, 03:12:32 PM
If nobody else noticed or were too polite to say...
Nice Legs Riven-One!
Ah, someone noticed ;D
Thanks, Nicky!
Your welcome ;)
They are much nicer than mine! I seem to have picked up a number of scars and marks from my rugged ways.
I have to agree, though I've got the same problem as Nicky with scars, mostly from climbing trees/rocks with my mom when I was a kid.
Sounds like you have a cool mum Sayith!
Mine seem to be from hunting and skateboarding with a number of bicycle accidents thrown in there too.
Yeah, I love my mom, she's always been really supportive. Though her telling me that, "It's all right, if you're gay you can tell me." got a little old after a while. Kind of turned into a joke though.
Most of my stuff from bicycles healed over well enough, even though they were a lot bigger, kind of strange.
true enough - same as all the others I spose,
hello there.
Hello, and thank you for the affirmation.
Welcome to the unicorn forest! Enigmas are always welcome! :D