Hello,
I have just found out that my 24 year old son no longer wants to be a man. He lives on the west coast and I'm in the Ohio River Valley. Even though I like to consider myself a level headed person and not prone to explosive anger, I feel shaken through and through. There is so much I have to learn about all this and I know that I can't do it alone. My son will need my support and I want to be able to do so. I must admit that this goes against everything I believe in. I'm stubborn. I hate change. Mostly, I love my son and am willing to do anything I can to prevent loosing him in my life.
I know what it's like to be estranged from family. At about the same age, I chose to not be a Jehovah's Witness and since then I have no contact with family except my brother who made the same choice years later and is in the same boat as me. We both knew how our family would respond but made the decision anyway. I do not want my son to be estranged from his family. And I'll de everything I can to keep that from happening. I must love and accept him. Accepting his choice will be a very large elephant for consumption.
So, here I am, praying for the best.
murof,
First let me say this: Your son is making a change because he must make the change. You are choosing to support him. Your's is the path that takes true courage and fortitude. You are wise to realize that he will need your love and support..... much more so than you can imagine. He is very lost right now and searching for the love from his family. I know that it goes against the things that you believe. But the fact is that your son will become a woman. It doesn't matter what we believe. Facts are facts. We learn to live with them and move on.
There are others here in the forums in similar positions as you. I am so happy that you found this site. It is perhaps the finest support site available. We emphasize support and help for not only the individual going through change, but in helping family members and friends.
Please feel welcome to participate with us. This, more than anything else, will help you come to terms with what is going on with your son. We welcome you with open arms and hope that we can in some way, help you with your confusion and anxiety. Please know that none of this is your fault. Your son will become your daughter.
When all is said and done and as you look back on this in the years to come, you will realize that the hardest thing you will have faced is using the correct pronouns. Now think of that going forward. That's the hardest part. And then you can have a sit down talk with my Dad and explain it to him. ;)
Take care. Please come in and read all that is offered here.
Cindi Jones
I am glad you found this site. I also am very glad that you are trying to support your child in this decision.
I hope you get comfortable here and mention Susan's to your child, there is a lot of information here for both of you.
Sarah L.
Two other support suggestions are your local PFLAG Chapter and also PFLAG TNET, the national Transgender Network affilate of PFLAG.
Many PFLAG chapters have one or more members who are familiar with transgender support.
PFLAG TNET print and other resources can be found at www.pflag.org/tnet.html
Robyn
Secretary, PFLAG TNET
I'm also very glad that you found this site. We have many members in different stages of transition here and some in similar situations as yours.
This is one of the best, if not the best, support site for transgender people and their loved ones. Our main goal is to listen to our members, provide the support they need and help them cope with the difficult issues.
I'm very touched by the love you have shown your son in this difficult period of his life. I can't tell you how important it is to be understood and supported by the two people who gave you life. If my parents had not supported me through my transition, I honestly don't know what life would have become.
Please take a second to explore our wiki (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Main_Page) and our parents/loved ones section (https://www.susans.org/reference/index.html#Parents/Loved%20Ones) which contain wonderful articles and personal accounts of people who are going through the same experiences.
We thank you for your post and wish you the best of luck! please don't hesitate to ask questions. :) Remember that we are always here to help and listen.
tinkerbell :icon_chick:
P.S. You may find the following article (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transsexual) worth reading as well :).
Thank you,
I deeply appreciate all the positive replies. There will be many more questions I have in the future. As for now, I'm just trying to keep sanity.
To Cinci Jones, howdy. My last name is Jones.
Hi Murof....
Yes this can be devestating and the effects far reaching for friends and immediate family, we should never forget that.
I told my parents 8 years ago and they disowned me, they could never understand or accept that I was unhappy with my life and that I had to change it. I was their only son, they had put me through college and I was successful, married with children... yet in their eyes I was throwing it all away, they hated me and forsaked me in a time that I needed them both.
The fact you are here speaks volumes for your love of your son, If you can never understand (and even the medical profession have difficulty), accept what he is doing, because you love him and want the best for him. For a person who has Gender Identity Issues, life can be very depressing and difficult on a daily basis, the love of our families goes a long way towards helping to ease that pain.
You yourself need help, counselloring, to come to terms with this and your acceptance will go a long way to helping the process.
I was a quite, unconfident, depressed and miserable guy, 6 years post op I am a vibrant, outgoing, happy woman.... the change has been remarkable for everyone to see... I have also been reunited with my Father, who has come back into my life, because he has accepted I am still his Child, a loving Daughter rather than an unhappy son.
You are not losing a son, but gaining a far happier Daughter and your relationship with her can be as great as you wish or allow it to be, help her grow, love her unconditionaly and cherish that she will be a happier person.
We are here to help, support you and your family through this time, never feel alone, afraid or worried to ask questions to any of the people on this site.
She faces some tough times ahead, be there by her side.
Buffy
:icon_help:
:)
Im glad to see you here Murof, I came out to my parrents when I was 24, its been kinda shakey but I dont know what I would have done without there help and support. It takes allot for us to come out to our parrents.... and we have all sorts of fears running through our heads when we do. Its truely wonderful that you are makeing the effort to learn and maby even one day understand.... *Hugs*
I wish you the best
*******
Howdy Murof !
I'm in the same boat as you find yourself in .... certainly not by choice... and believe me I thought of knocking some sense into my kid with my bare hands and would have it it would have cured the problem.... but you know deep down that is not the answer ! all that sort of thing would do is drive them away.... if you Love your child as we do You have to trust them ... trust them that they know what they are doing ! .... Believe me this is not easy... but look at it this way Dad.... he's not a little boy anymore, you did your part in raising him.... your JOB of raising him is over ! with the spankings, scoldings and groundings , their all done... hes big enough to make up his own mind.... And good or bad he has ... You have to accept that ! ... I know its hard, its the hardest thing i have ever done... I keep thinking what did I do wrong? where did i mess up in his up-bringing to make him turn out like this ??? ? But I KNOW now, that i didn't mess up... infact, because of his Up-bringing, is probly the only thing that has kept him alive up to this point....
yes its that serious ! with out our support as parents my Kid would probly be dead now.. Keep that in mind when you get mad ! YOU MUST ! because its the love you have that will get him through this ! ... I can't think of anything worse than this for my Kid .. to be quite frank... I'ed much rather he be happy ,marry ,have grand kids and we all live happly ever after... but its NOT my desigon to make... its not MY LIFE to control any longer... I can only advise, and love and incurrage now.... ...
I had a good long talk with my Kid.... and discovered that He/She Knew well what she was in for... and it was that or die trying... what can you do then ? Accept it and help them all you can because you may change their mind and make them miserable human-beings
and you might be happy, but they would not be.... above all I want my Kid happy... life is mean enough as it is without any help.... I want my child to be happy !
... thats the driveing factor ! her happyness how ever weird it may sound to me means she will become a woman... so yes I will loose a son and gain a daughter...in a sense, but I won't actually loose my son because he is still in there !, the kid I raised, the kid I am so very proud of will never be gone... just because parts change and starts doing girl things ! ...wareing dresses and all that stuff... she's still my Kid !
Think for a second that your child is smart, not about the ways of the world but about knowing himself.... down deep .... its not a question of Well, I guess he likes girls too much and wants to be one ... its not like that at all... its well, I'm not realy a man, though I have the parts for the job, I feel like a woman in sheeps clothing, i think like a woman , all my actions say I am a woman... there for I must be a woman ! ...
You and I can explain that away fairly easy, but they cannot because it "RINGS TRUE" to their hart... they Know beyond the shadow of a doubt in most cases that THIS is the answer... the reason they have been so darn miserable all their lives ! they feel it in their bones ... they "KNOW" it to be true.... and buddy when you get that kind of convivtion you cannot sway them one way or the other if life depended on it ! ....
.... Do you think for one minute that your Loveing child would do this to you, put you through this kind of torement out of spite or being vindictive ?... They Know its not easy, but they MUST do it , their LIVES depend on it , quite litterally !
from their point of view , it shouldn't be that hard for a parent to understand, after all , they love me , and this is the right thing to do, how can it be that hard to accept ? Its not their fault , I've told them that time and time again , but they can't accept it.... why ?
.... because its so darn hard !
.....
Let me tell you this , its Not easy, but its YOUR problem not your Kids ! You are the one having truble with this , not your kid.... infact your kid is looking foward to it !
while you are saying , ummm don't you want to reconsider? ,don't you think you might be doing this a bit hastily ? ... we as parents want to make sure they don't mess up their lives completely, while they finally see hope, light at the end of the tunnel...
Talk to your kid... its not easy, but make sure its no game and when you are sure that they understand what their doing is what they want ... then you can accept it easily
....
My life up to this point was spent pokeing fun at the queers, the Trans croud, the hippies, the frutes....my answer was their realy sick.... their wires are all messed up inside their heads... their strange....
Now I understand a bit more than I used to .... its not by choice for a transexual.
yes their sick, desperately so... but there is a cure....
Transexualism is not a preversion. its simply the wrong sex mind for the body they find themselves in . Phsycal operations can fix the body to be inline to what the mind thinks it should be..... and if your Kid wants this above all else... whats wrong with that ?
hes still your Kid ! he still loves you ! your still Dad.... so whats the problem ?
....
You need to quit worrying about what grandma will say, or what uncle john will say, or what the boys at work will say and think "F'em if they can't take a joke !" this whole thing is the Kids idea Not yours, your an inocent bystander... if they want to shunn away from you for that then good riddance !
...
Believe Your Child ! they arn't stupid ! they know they will need all the help they can get to get through this alive.... and they are right ! be there for your child.
its a hard road for the both of you... but you can do it, and your Kid can have a life thats worth liveing.
....
I have accepted my Sons desire to be a woman, I wish it was otherwize, because its extreamily hard on him/her.... but I want my Kid to be happy and I'll do anything i have to to make that come about !
...in many ways it would be easier if it was a leg cut off or in a car acident and bed ridden.... but that is selfish and I'm only thinking of myself when I think thoughts like that... so don't think things like that because they surve no purpose !
think positive.... we will get through this TOGATHER ! it will be rough but we will make it .
fight the urge to kick your kid out or dissown them... all that does is add more pain.
when it is pain that drove them to where they are in the first place. time to start healing... help all you can , regain the love you've lost, or could loose so easily.
....
So Yes.... been there done that.... still doing that actually.... and I still wouldn't trade my kid for love nor money ! <GRIN> after all he/she is MY KID !
.......
Bob......
Glad to see that you have been looking for resources. Please feel free to throw questions at us. You may also want to do a telephone consult with whatever therapist your child has been seeing. My parents did that after I came out to them (Internet resources were not quite as good as they are today back then) and it really did help out a lot. Still had to get through one shouting match but the love never went away.
Hugs,
LIT
Murof,
Your courage and love absolutely shines through in just the fact you have reached out and ask for support! I look forward to hearing more from you, and you have indeed come to the right place!
Peace,
Taylor
Hello Murof:
This welcome comes a little late because I haven't been on here as much as I would like lately, but I am the significant other of Female to Male transsexual who is also a Moderator on this site...Marco (if you couldn't tell from my user name :) ). I wanted to welcome you here and let you know that there is an abundance of loving and supportive people on this site who are tremendous resources of information.
My heart goes out to you and I am awestruck by your courage to support your adult child. I know it seems like an insurmountable hurdle, but you have already come so far in realizing that it's our family members that are important, not necessarily if their life's path goes the route we would have desired. The both of you will be truly blessed by your expression of unconditional love.
You and your child will be in my prayers,
Take care,
Pam