hey guys and dolls,
Is the presence of something more disturbing than the lack of something?
Are external parts more troubling than internal parts?
Dysphorically speaking, I mean.
Basically - is the presence of a penis (on a girl) more disturbing than lack of a vagina? Or lack of breasts?
Are breasts (on guys) more disturbing than lack of a penis?
Are the presence of breasts (something external that is very visible and moves) more disturbing than the presence of a vagina (something internal and largely invisible)?
Your thoughts - personal or philosophical.
My opinion: the presence of the wrong parts was worse than now the absence of the correct part.
My internal parts caused me more grief monthly than any other thing, followed by the lumps.
Lack of a penis is a problem, but since the rest of me is now correct, I find that easier to deal with. Will I fix it? Likely. But I can wait for that.
Jay
I know the answer to this one, for me anyway.
The presence of that thing was far more disturbing than the thought that I did not have a vagina then. My feeling was I had to get rid of that thing first and foremost and if I ended up with a vagina, that was a bonus. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy that I have a vagina but if I had to, I could have lived without it. I couldn't have lived the other way.
I feel like bucking the trend :P
While I really don't like my OEM equipment (cough, penis) what is really making me crazy are the poison factories under it. (especially during the better part of this week when I have to thank a deity for my anti-depressant if you catch my drift)
While this could be called an issue with external parts, I have to play devils advocate for the FtM peeps who have the opposite problem with internal parts and call it as an issue with the gonads that produce hormones over the other parts.
Yes. Hate having it...
Lack of, for me.
Lack of breasts, curves (in the face, chest, hips, etc.)
I don't have to see my penis all the time, and most people don't see it anyway. I can find some uses for it with the right people.
My lack of shapeliness is obvious to everyone at all times, and myself any time I pass a mirror.
Good timing for this thread, just last night I had a bit of a dysphoric moment when I was getting ready for bed. I was deciding whether to wear my soft packer to sleep (which I have done since I got it), and I felt kind of ridiculous for "needing" a piece of plastic in my pants just to feel comfortable. I got down on myself like "it's not real anyways" and crap like that, but while still feeling like "but I want to have it there all the time", and thus feeling ashamed and guilty that I needed some fake, security-blanket-like thing. Long story short, my partner was very reassuring and helped me to see that it's not "real" in the sense of flesh and blood, but it's not fake either. What it's symbolic of, or a "placeholder" for, is real to me - and will be real flesh and blood someday, and that's what counts in the long run.
It seems that whether I was aware of it or not, the lack of a penis is more disturbing to me than the presence of that "gaping maw" ever was (although, obviously, I'm not a fan of "it" either...). With the parts I biologically have, I know that my "clit" is my penis, my "vulva" is my scrotum, etc., and so even without the packer I can "rename" things and not be as bothered by the presence of what's physically there, but it still doesn't add up to the *rightness* of having something more substantial there that feels like what I *should* have. And now that I'm used to having the packer there, it feels that much more *wrong* when it isn't there...
As for bleeding every month, it is my biggest area of dysphoria of all. Not only does it grab me and shake me and scream in my face "see! female body!", but the flood of estrogen pretty near destroys my self worth and pushes me right back into that female persona that I'd affected for so long in order to be accepted, and now have finally shed - for three weeks a month at least. It also robs me of using my packer and/or STP (because I can't use tampons), and it's impossible for me to mentally reassure myself of my male identity when all of my coping tools have been taken away, and all of these physical feminine traits are thrown in my face. It's the worst week of every month. It always was, even before I realized why, but now it seems worse because I had climbed out of my cave of despair, and this puts me right back down there every time.
it's about equal for me
Its pretty much equal for me too.
Very interesting to see both sides of this issue represented here. Certainly hormones play a huge role in this and my SRS was liberating for both reasons. The demise of that thing and the demise of the "poison factories" as so aptly expressed above. T made me crazy just the way E makes some of you crazy.
Quote from: NES_junkie_James on August 27, 2009, 03:37:59 PM
Good timing for this thread, just last night I had a bit of a dysphoric moment when I was getting ready for bed. I was deciding whether to wear my soft packer to sleep (which I have done since I got it), and I felt kind of ridiculous for "needing" a piece of plastic in my pants just to feel comfortable. I got down on myself like "it's not real anyways" and crap like that, but while still feeling like "but I want to have it there all the time", and thus feeling ashamed and guilty that I needed some fake, security-blanket-like thing.
This sounds so stupid, but when I first realized I was trans, and another guy told me they made soft packers, I just about cried. And when I got it, it was the most amazing thing ever. Who knew a $12 rubber penis and balls could be so life-altering?
Yes, it's a placeholder. But for now it feels real in terms of softness and warmth and texture, and I can stand to pee with it. Makes a huge difference in how I see myself.
Jay
Quote from: sneakersjay on August 27, 2009, 04:19:14 PM
This sounds so stupid, but when I first realized I was trans, and another guy told me they made soft packers, I just about cried. And when I got it, it was the most amazing thing ever. Who knew a $12 rubber penis and balls could be so life-altering?
Yes, it's a placeholder. But for now it feels real in terms of softness and warmth and texture, and I can stand to pee with it. Makes a huge difference in how I see myself.
Jay
Exactly!! Before I had it, I was like "meh, I'm fine, I don't need it" and now it's just like "how did I ever live without this?". It just feels so "natural" (which I know, in this case is a funny word to use), and I don't like being without it now. I'd rather take off my arms and walk around without them.
I waited a couple of months before I got one because I didn't think it would be such a big deal, and also money is really tight for me. But to tell you the truth that $12 was worth more than any other $12 item I've ever purchased in my life.
I still feel a little self-conscious about sleeping with it though... Does anyone else here do that too? Or am I the only "baby" who needs his "pacifier"? Ugh, I'm really conflicted, I am trying to be strong throughout all this transition stuff, and just take it all as it comes, but this has thrown me for a head-loop.
James, I wear it 24/7.
I even wore it to top surgery (and there is a funny story about that somewhere). The only time I've been without it was for my hysto, and only because I wasn't out to them. And I left it home in case someone had to go through my belongings. Other than that, it's always with me.
Jay
Quote from: NES_junkie_James on August 27, 2009, 04:31:18 PM
Exactly!! Before I had it, I was like "meh, I'm fine, I don't need it" and now it's just like "how did I ever live without this?". It just feels so "natural" (which I know, in this case is a funny word to use), and I don't like being without it now. I'd rather take off my arms and walk around without them.
I waited a couple of months before I got one because I didn't think it would be such a big deal, and also money is really tight for me. But to tell you the truth that $12 was worth more than any other $12 item I've ever purchased in my life.
I still feel a little self-conscious about sleeping with it though... Does anyone else here do that too? Or am I the only "baby" who needs his "pacifier"? Ugh, I'm really conflicted, I am trying to be strong throughout all this transition stuff, and just take it all as it comes, but this has thrown me for a head-loop.
I don't pack, but I think anything that helps ease the dysphoria even a little bit is a good thing. Sometimes we need some mental gymnastics to stay strong through all this. If the body map thing holds any truth, than anything to simulate the feel or look of congruence could possibly ease the dissonance.
I take mine off for physical therapy... and put it in my bag cause I can't imagine leaving house without it anymore..
I'd have to say both to some degree for me. But since I've started to develop some nice lil' boobies now I'll go with the annoying dangler as being more disturbing to me
for some things it seems to be like seeing the glass half empty or half full. I detest having "it" down there but I see the light at the end of the tunnel because I know "its" days are numbered. I hated having male hormones, I hate having facial hair oh god how I hate that.
But I also hated not having breasts, not having feminine features, not having a regular female body with the correct equipment, and not having acceptance as my true gender. I'm working on all those things- hormones are doing their magic, I'll have the correct equipment before too much longer, and I am finding more and more acceptance, or at least finding no one notices or cares. All we can do is work our hardest on changing those things we don't like, whether we are adding or subtracting them. If I want to continue even living, and I do, then that has to be enough for now.
Although I was being poisoned with testosterone, mainly I didn't like having a package (as it is called in the gay world). I had visions of taking bolt cutters to the whole thing but figured I'd bleed to death, and what's the point of that? I was particularly unhappy when the little head was doing the thinking for the big head. Sure, it was the hormones, but the visible monster made its presence known against my will.
I would have liked to have the curves, but could add prosthetic breasts and that satisfied me. In later years I always slept in a bra with breast forms, so I'm with you there James and Jay. (I don't sleep with them anymore because I wear the forms all day and, besides, I'm starting to grow my own breasts, babies that they are. :))
Having a vagina was never important to me, although I'm waiting for one now – partly to change my gender markers, partly to get rid of the bulge so my pants fit properly, and partly because it's part of becoming as much of a woman as I can be. I don't know how I'll feel when that mess is gone other than deep relief.
- Kate
I have detested that 'thing' and the 'twins' most of my adult life. And now I am tucked almost all of the time. I wish I could just cut it off, but I realize that it will become donor tissue for my vagina.
Curves, hips, butt even breasts can be artificially created. Makeup can alter ones look. The only thing that has to be constructed it my true genitalia.
The poison has been slowed and my true hormones now course thru my body. Mind is at peace, body is changing slowly.
Janet
Well I have to say that I resort to mental gymnastics sometimes to make it through. Like Autumn, at least I don't have to see it too often. And when I do I just think of it as donor material.
I used to wonder how an Amazon got rid of their breast for archery. If they could do it, I certainly could. Then the pain and other probs would start and I'd be curled in a ball and hoping to somehow get a doc to remove everything from waist to mid thigh. If my breasts started bothering me at the same time, ...well tryed that suicide bit, tried a drunken week, tried, ..... a few more stupid things. So what I deem to be worse can depend on what day it is or what is happening.
ps. I sleep with my packy friend. I didn't realize how much I feel more normal with it than without it until I got one.
Quote from: Autumn on August 27, 2009, 03:19:38 PM
Lack of, for me.
Lack of breasts, curves (in the face, chest, hips, etc.)
I don't have to see my penis all the time, and most people don't see it anyway. I can find some uses for it with the right people.
My lack of shapeliness is obvious to everyone at all times, and myself any time I pass a mirror.
I agree, but that's just most of the time. As much as I hate having the bits -- especially for those situations in which hiding isn't really practical or comfortable (bike shorts, swim suit, intimate moments, etc.) -- most of the time, it's a lot easier to deal with.
So the answer is, it depends on the situation. Sometimes it's the boobs, sometimes the bits, sometimes the voice, sometimes the face, sometimes everything else. Furthermore, I don't really see any of those as totally in the "presence of something" or "lasck of something" camps. For example, considering my chest -- it's not just the lack of breasts, but the presence of a broad ribcage, reasonably well-defined pectorals and (shudder) hair.
I would add that I have always been amazed at the raw functionality of the human body, in particular my own, even though it's function wasn't fitted to the purpose I had in mind. Becoming a man, physically, imbued in me a sense of awe and wonder as well as dread and sorrow.
I figured I should have put a stipulation in on mine, but I was lazy.
From where I'm at in life, it's the lack. But I know that if I actually went swimming, or tried to wear more feminine pants, or shorts, or certain skirts, it'd be more frustrating to me. I keep to pants and, so far, found a couple of skirt styles, that mean I don't really have to tuck as seriously.
I think as Virginia said, the more my body feminizes, the more I may be bothered by the presence of it for pure functionality sake.
To be completely honest, as my HRT has advanced, I feel more comfortable with it. I'm generally more at peace about everything, though. Everything is complex. I've noticed that erections are much different to obtain since starting E, and earlier this week thought for a little while that they were gone for good. I was fairly ambivalent about it. I'm happy they aren't, since I enjoy orgasms, but I could take it or leave it I think.
Interesting question.
In my case, it's a mix. It's really hard to seperate things out at the moment.
My most serious dysphoria is with my facial feaures (mainly the skin texture and lack of facial hair), the chest, and the overall body shape. They're the things I see most, so it's always being shoved in my face.
I expect the lack of lower horn will become a much bigger problem later on when some of my other issues are fixed. It is a pretty big issue, but the above gets much higher priority on the "fix it now list".
It's odd... sometimes when I'm half asleep, I feel as though I am physically male. It's like my body map shifts in my sleep, and it's still in place for a minute or two after I wake up. It's been happening on and off since I was a kid, but it's getting really frequent now. Cool, but depressing.
I don't pack. I do want a packer (very much so, it'd help the lower dysphoria a lot), but every time I see them I start smirking and snickering. I don't know why, but I can't look at a packer of any sort and keep a straight face. I know FTM is serious business and smirking over a rubber penis probably makes me less of a man, but I can't help it!
I had a lot of problems dealing with the "lower horn" (Thank you for that Teknoir.. keeping it..;) ) for the longest time, until I realized it was the stuff dreams are made of. Once I realized that they didn't just cut it off and throw it in the hazmat bag, but exactly how it was used for the holy grail of my life.. then I started treating it more like a nice goose getting fattened for a Christmas dinner. I am so glad I did have the change of perspective because after surgery, I can't even tell what was originally where, and I love it.
I guess the closest I had to you guys and your packers..::giggles:: sorry but that's cute.. was my wearing a bra to sleep and when I could in daily life. I didn't need it, but I liked having what little breast I did have being prominent in my mind. It helped my presence of mind that I did have at least something.
The terrible irony here of course is that we have men who pack to feel whole and women who go to any lengths to rid of that ugliness. Beauty truly rests in the eye of the beholder. If a straight swap were possible, so much pain could be avoided. Perhaps 50 years from now...
Quote from: Natasha on August 28, 2009, 12:06:36 PM
this topic is posted on the transsexual board & as i understand it the question is aimed at transsexual people that identify as women or men. this board isn't for people that identify as "other". maybe try the transgender or androgyne boards for that.
Whether this is in Transsexual Talk or not, I think that ALL viewpoints are valid and ALL should be welcome. If someone is being disrespectful or making attacks, that's one thing, but contributing to a group discussion should be accessible to all.
Quote from: metal angel on August 28, 2009, 12:55:54 PM
fine then... skulking off now... enjoy your homogeny, and stop telling me how great surgery is for TSs in the questions i specifically ask about other solutions
Metal Angel, please don't skulk off, I've enjoyed your posts in many of the boards here, and I believe others have as well. I think it's important that we include the perspective of androgenes, SOs, non-ops, etc., in our boards so that we're not all just sitting around confirming each other's thoughts. It takes differences in opinion to challenge what we know, and it takes challenging what we know to grow as people. As I recall, your post was respectful and was simply providing your own viewpoint, not stating that we should all feel the same as you (someone can correct me if needed, but I believe that was the tone of Metal Angel's post).
We have "Just for Us" boards for when we want to talk to *only* people "like us", but this board is within "Community Conversation" and we are all a part of this greater community, let's all play nice. :D
If I recall correctly, there is an understanding that only SO's post on the SO board (it says so on a sticky topic on that board, I think), but that isn't the case elsewhere. Partly this different standard exists because there are comparatively few SO's posting here, and partly because many of the questions related to transsexual issues are also relevant generally as transgender issues. Certainly this topic is, unless you are prepared to declare that the word transsexual describes any person with any level of gender dysphoria.
I hadn't seen the post Metal Angel was replying too..
I fully agree NESj James. we do need all viewpoints. It would be a pretty boring place if we all sat around sipping tea and nodding while you boys are out on the lawn saying "yep"..
For me, it's the lack of breasts and other secondary characteristics that bothers me. I'm not crazy about the boi bits but I can live w them...
Z
i've forgotten what i said now, but thanks for the support :)
I guess I forgot to respond to the rest of the posts! Whoops, got distracted. ;)
To those who responded about my packer dilemma... I know I shouldn't care so much about what other people think/do, but it was so relieving to hear that I'm not the only one who wears it to bed. Before I had my packer, I thought I was fine without it, and it'd just be a nice little addition so that instead of having a 1mm dick, I'd have a 3.5" one. But there's more to it than just that, so much more. I have to sit differently to accommodate its presence, I walk differently, I notice it there when I walk around the house in my boxers, all of those things confirm my identity and helps chase off that little demon that whispers "you've got tits and a vag, you *must* be a girl".
Quote from: Teknoir on August 28, 2009, 06:23:57 AM
I don't pack. I do want a packer (very much so, it'd help the lower dysphoria a lot), but every time I see them I start smirking and snickering. I don't know why, but I can't look at a packer of any sort and keep a straight face. I know FTM is serious business and smirking over a rubber penis probably makes me less of a man, but I can't help it!
Teknoir, I know what you mean about snickering at the lil guys when you see them "detached" from their respective bodies, but it really is different once you put it where it's supposed to be. When I remove mine for cleaning or to switch to a different one (for "play"), it's no longer "my penis" once it's away from my body. It's just like an article of clothing or something (and yes, they are really funny looking when you view it that way). But once it's where it belongs, it isn't funny looking, it's just "there", it's just whole and natural and *right*. It's hard to explain, but that's my experience of it at least, ymmv.
Quote from: Shanawolf on August 28, 2009, 03:32:47 PM
It would be a pretty boring place if we all sat around sipping tea and nodding while you boys are out on the lawn saying "yep"..
Lol ;D That gave me such a funny mental image. Something along the lines of Gone With the Wind social setting meets modern-day style/clothes/hair... :laugh:
I was thinking more King of the Hill, but I like yours better. :D
Yeah, definitely for me. Having breasts freaks me out and I would do anything to get rid of them, while my lack of a dick doesn't really bother me at all. Interesting topic
Quote from: Chamillion on August 28, 2009, 10:01:36 PM
Yeah, definitely for me. Having breasts freaks me out and I would do anything to get rid of them, while my lack of a dick doesn't really bother me at all. Interesting topic
ditto.
Quote from: Chamillion on August 28, 2009, 10:01:36 PM
Yeah, definitely for me. Having breasts freaks me out and I would do anything to get rid of them, while my lack of a dick doesn't really bother me at all. Interesting topic
Same 4 me 2. I was happy 2 see my breasts go. my junk doesnt bother me. I dont hate it. Its all I got & I'm cool w/it.
Quote from: NES_junkie_James on August 28, 2009, 03:48:33 PM
Before I had my packer, I thought I was fine without it, and it'd just be a nice little addition so that instead of having a 1mm dick, I'd have a 3.5" one. But there's more to it than just that, so much more. I have to sit differently to accommodate its presence, I walk differently, I notice it there when I walk around the house in my boxers, all of those things confirm my identity and helps chase off that little demon that whispers "you've got tits and a vag, you *must* be a girl".
Teknoir, I know what you mean about snickering at the lil guys when you see them "detached" from their respective bodies, but it really is different once you put it where it's supposed to be. When I remove mine for cleaning or to switch to a different one (for "play"), it's no longer "my penis" once it's away from my body. It's just like an article of clothing or something (and yes, they are really funny looking when you view it that way). But once it's where it belongs, it isn't funny looking, it's just "there", it's just whole and natural and *right*. It's hard to explain, but that's my experience of it at least, ymmv.
I can identify with this. After years of stuffing various things in a bra to create breasts, I could finally afford to buy actual (cheap) breastforms. The first time I put them on a completely unexpected wave of feeling came over me. I don't think I can describe it, but it just felt so
absolutely right.
I should have known then that I was really TS and not just a CD, but I'm a late bloomer. :P
- Kate
What did I lose?
Two atrophied testicles. A hundred or so grams of corpus cavernosum. Some fatty tissue. About half the length of urethra my surgeon dissected and exposed.
All the rest was repositioned with a level of skill and artistry, attempting to preserve as much of the nerve connections as possible. The tissues were repositioned to where they would have been if my body had not taken the male detour at 8 weeks gestation.
In it's new position, the tissue changed, and became mucosal (I've heard, "You're so WET, Karen!", almost every time I've been intimate >:-) ) I like to think they are remembering what they should have been, had it not been for that detour.
I'm satisfied with the way I am now. I joke about leaving a couple of pieces of me in Bangkok (and smaller (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,34909.0.html) bits in (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,35130.msg234794.html#msg234794) Scottsdale (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,35176.msg234929.html#msg234929) >:-) ), and picking up two pints of saline.
Going from almost-a-B to solid C-cup was surprisingly uneventful, because I feel right and proper with the modification. Sometimes I marvel at how I DON'T think about it.
I don't marvel at all over the whole transition thing, now that gender transition is behind me and I'm back to the lifelong transition we call living. Actually, like what I said above, I do marvel at how mundane it is now that it's over, and how I don't even give it a thought.
For me, it just is what it is.
Karen
Quote from: Chamillion on August 28, 2009, 10:01:36 PM
Yeah, definitely for me. Having breasts freaks me out and I would do anything to get rid of them, while my lack of a dick doesn't really bother me at all. Interesting topic
Feel pretty much the same. I have started packing and practicing with my STP again. The packing helps.
But glad the breasts are gone. For me seeing what I had (breasts) were a constant reminder that it wasn't right. Honestly part of it night be looking at myself in a mirror every morning I can (could) see me breasts weather I wanted to or not, as most bathroom mirrors cover from the waist up.
Myles
For myself it was the presence of a penis & the lack of female sexual characteristics. I envied other girls when I was growing up, their hair, breasts. They all looked so happy & I felt so stuck in my male body. I despised what I had between my legs too. I dunno how I lived so many years like that. But anyway it's a thing of the past now. I will never thank Marci & the staff at Mt. San Rafael Hospital enough for giving me my life back.
Quote from: Karen on August 29, 2009, 02:12:46 PM
What did I lose?
Two atrophied testicles. A hundred or so grams of corpus cavernosum. Some fatty tissue. About half the length of urethra my surgeon dissected and exposed.
All the rest was repositioned with a level of skill and artistry, attempting to preserve as much of the nerve connections as possible. The tissues were repositioned to where they would have been if my body had not taken the male detour at 8 weeks gestation.
In it's new position, the tissue changed, and became mucosal (I've heard, "You're so WET, Karen!", almost every time I've been intimate >:-) ) I like to think they are remembering what they should have been, had it not been for that detour.
I'm satisfied with the way I am now. I joke about leaving a couple of pieces of me in Bangkok (and smaller (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,34909.0.html) bits in (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,35130.msg234794.html#msg234794) Scottsdale (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,35176.msg234929.html#msg234929) >:-) ), and picking up two pints of saline.
Going from almost-a-B to solid C-cup was surprisingly uneventful, because I feel right and proper with the modification. Sometimes I marvel at how I DON'T think about it.
I don't marvel at all over the whole transition thing, now that gender transition is behind me and I'm back to the lifelong transition we call living. Actually, like what I said above, I do marvel at how mundane it is now that it's over, and how I don't even give it a thought.
For me, it just is what it is.
Karen
wow, the change to musocal tissue is really interesting... i wonder how that works, i guess it's kind of like what happens to a circumscised glans but in reverse.
For the longest time, Like from my teens, back with nixon was Pres., I had tried to find a way to hide the OEM parts. Darn thing really did not want to be an inny. Darn disturbing and more of a What's THAT doing there. If I could have traded parts I would have. Of course now that the Good Doctor has made the offending parts inny's all is right in the world. OK My world anyway.
The presence of what I had between my legs was. Like it's been said, I don't know how I survived living in that condition for too bloody long.
QuoteI will never thank Marci & the staff at Mt. San Rafael Hospital enough for giving me my life back.
I could have said that myself.
Quote from: DawnL on August 27, 2009, 02:57:38 PM
The presence of that thing was far more disturbing than the thought that I did not have a vagina then. My feeling was I had to get rid of that thing first and foremost and if I ended up with a vagina, that was a bonus. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy that I have a vagina but if I had to, I could have lived without it. I couldn't have lived the other way.
what she said. i'm happy it's goooooooone thanks to marci too.
I am more disturbed at the presence of D-cup breasts that are blasted difficult to bind down, than I am at the absence of a 'magic wand' ;) that I can easily simulate with a homemade packer.
It's strange: When I'm looking around me, I get the feeling I have incredible pecs, but then I look down and see two wads of fat in a hammock instead. :'( Carrying around a packer, whether my chest is bound or not, considerably balances me out. I no longer feel so top heavy, as it were. ;)
I'd say that my lack of a penis is far more disturbing to me than the fat-and-breast-tissue presences on the chest (but then, I'm what a cisgirl might optimistically call "a small B"). I admit that I have fully bought into society's phalliccentrism, and I do want a penis quite badly. Given the choice, I'd gladly keep my breasts (so long as I could still bind them) in exchange for a fully-functioning penis (even without testicles). Fortunately, I do have other non-phallic-centered activities with which to spend my time and money for the next 12 years or so. After that, I'm going to take a hard look at my options, save up my money, and choose the best technique out there that constructs a penis of reasonable size and function (I could live with pumping a decent-looking, sexually-sensate, urinarily-functional phallo. I couldn't live with paying for a 1-inch metodioplasty that could get an erection but couldn't do much with it when "playing doubles", so to speak). There's only so long an FTM can wait for "a better surgery to come out" before the realization may come that it might not happen in this lifetime. I anticipate that since so few FTMs get bottom surgery, bottom surgery will not substantially improve in the next 20 years, and I don't want to wait until I'm 40 to have boring, heteronormative, run-of-the-mill vaginal sex.
*Note: I meant no offense to those who enjoy vaginal sex. My adjectives were merely ironic. I am greatly in favor of vaginal sex. If anyone has questions or concerns about my position on vaginal sex, feel free to contact me. We can talk about them together.
*Note to the note: Yes, I was poking fun at those on the Internet who get up-in-arms over ridiculously minor things. No, I was not propositioning the good people of Susan's.
Presence of overly-wide and inefficient hips bothers me the most. The red death is second. Height loss is third. Lack of rib cage and shoulder size is fourth. Lack of a penis is fifth. Tits are sixth, and vag and internal organs are last.
Visible presence is definitely more disturbing because not only is it how people classify you but it also is a large part of how many people view themselves. What's in the mirror. But I'll live with most all of it if I can get closer to normal and be done with this uncomfortable femininity. I'm not going to lie, what's on the outside matters but it's not the only thing that matters in life.
SilverFang