So, as the title may suggest, I have a problem. In the form of a boy. A rather special boy... who doesn't know about me. >.<
We've been together since after I started questioning. However I wasn't out to anyone at that point, because I wanted to "make sure", before I told anyone. He's been gone over the summer, for almost 2 months, which, rather inconveniently, was when I finally accepted myself as trans. He is going to be home tomorrow, and I don't know what to do. I *think* he would be okay with me, but I'm still worried. I also have gotten suggestions from my friends not to tell him right away, which I think is a good idea. But it does feel like lying to him, after I've already been lying to him all this time. :(
I guess I just need some suggestions as to how, when, etc. Or just how not to. That's helpful too. ;)
Be with him for few days and have a great time.
After that, while having a great time alone, tell him. :)
Not instantly, but you'd be making sure he can't really "not love" you.
In my opinion you have to tell him if you want to be yourself and keep him as a boyfriend or a friend.
Good luck :)
The longer you wait the more you'll hurt him by saying nothing.
It might be best to pick and choose, when and where, but don't take too long.
Sooner or later you have to tell him the truth, whichever way you take to it.
Yeah, I really do want to tell him as soon as possible.
My friend says I should wait a month at least... ><
But like I said, it just feels like lying...I'd rather just get it over with, no matter the outcome. I'd prefer an outcome where we could stay together, but it's obviously not entirely up to me.
There is probably no good time, but earlier is going to be better than latter.
Yup, be prepared for a break-up and jejection. It may not happen but it is a possibility.
Best of luck!
Well I don't really have a reason to think he would. We started talking about ->-bleeped-<- once completely randomly - well, with a little planting on my part - and he just said, "I love whether you're a boy or a girl." But I know we were pretty much just joking around and it's not necessarily an indicator of how he'd react in a serious situation. :/
I agree that you need to tell him soon, because every day you don't tell him makes the lie bigger.
But be prepared. He might love you anyway, but not necessarily be prepared to change his gender preference from straight to bi/gay in the public realm.
I would do what someone already said and have a good first day or two back. But then tell him before too much time passes. If you explain how you feel both about yourself and about him you're doing all you can to make the situation work. then its up to him.
Quote from: GinaDouglas on September 02, 2009, 03:29:18 PM
I agree that you need to tell him soon, because every day you don't tell him makes the lie bigger.
But be prepared. He might love you anyway, but not necessarily be prepared to change his gender preference from straight to bi/gay in the public realm.
Well, that's one perk of having a boyfriend who is...already bi. one thing that might make this whole awkward situation a little easier...
i just saw him today. I didn't tell him anything yet. In a couple days I will.
Just because someone may be bisexual does not mean they're interested in having a relationship with someone who has incongruencies in their presentation or genitals. Not to mention that transition is an extremely stressful and requires a great deal of selfishness.
Quote from: Aaron22 on September 01, 2009, 08:47:19 PMhe just said, "I love whether you're a boy or a girl." But I know we were pretty much just joking around and it's not necessarily an indicator of how he'd react in a serious situation. :/
That's what my GF said ...... once it looked more imminant and we'd been together long enough for her to see what a "guy" I am, the tune changed.
Quote from: Alex_C on September 03, 2009, 02:42:17 AM
That's what my GF said ...... once it looked more imminant and we'd been together long enough for her to see what a "guy" I am, the tune changed.
similar story here, boyfriend seemed very accepting until things started getting changed over legally and he realised I was 100% serious
Most relationships don't survive transition, the partner often feels like the person they fell in love with is disappearing and changing in to someone completely different
I wish you all the luck. The only piece of advice I can give you is that sooner is better than later!
Jay
Difficult as ever,
I agree with those who said soon. It's, at the least, rude not to tell him, and the most you are lieing in a personal relationship. That he is Bi may make little difference. Sorry, I hope it works out but I'm not totally optimistic. Good Luck though.
Cindy
Be truthful, and know that you'll probably lose him. But, maybe not!
Well, I just sent him an email saying I'd like to talk to him about something and asking if he could hang out tomorrow. So, we'll see what happens.... :icon_nervious:
Good luck Aaron.
Good luck Aaron. There's a slim chance it might work out, but in the long run it probably won't. Someone may be O.K. and accepting with it at first, but the farther you go into transition and change the bigger the chance of them no longer being interested in you. You will literally change into a new man :D.
We need to be realistic too on what this does to the partner. If a straight man was dating a woman, then that woman ended up being a transman and started transitioning and physically becoming a man... it makes sense he'd no longer be interested. He's not gay and not attracted to men at all. Same goes for a woman in a lesbian relationship. We can't expect people to change their sexuality just for us, just like we have to transition because we can't live this way any longer. It will be tough, but you're being honest with him and yourself. It's the right thing to do. I wasted alot of time living that lie... I don't recommend it.
No matter what happens you did the right thing for him and you.
IMO a month is a little too long to wait to tell your guy.
Quote from: Myself on August 31, 2009, 12:11:51 PM
Be with him for few days and have a great time.
After that, while having a great time alone, tell him. :)
Not instantly, but you'd be making sure he can't really "not love" you.
In my opinion you have to tell him if you want to be yourself and keep him as a boyfriend or a friend.
Good luck :)
I agree with Myself. (LOL)
I myself have a boyfriend who still is getting used to my transitioning. (To make a long story short: we were friends before I moved to another continent, we kept in touch with email, eventually fell in love, and I told him I was ->-bleeped-<- around a year before I moved back to the US and saw him after 5 yrs apart.) He's having a slightly harder time now that I'm more physical with my transing, i.e. I'm binding and using the men's which disturbs him slightly, lol. I'm sad to hear that ->-bleeped-<-'s partners don't often 'stick', cos my guy is very sweet and honestly lives for my happiness.
Well, I talked to my now ex boyfriend today.
He didn't break up with me because I'm trans. He broke up with me because (his exact words) "I don't love you. I don't think I ever did."
The way he described it to me was that to him, this was like a chess game. The way he plays chess is, he sets up all these little traps, and then waits for the opponent to make a mistake and be vulnerable. Then, he rips them to pieces.
Or in this case, he tries. I actually don't feel any sadness right now. I'm not sure if I'm still in shock or what. He thought I was angry when I talked to him, but I actually was completely calm through the entire thing. O.o
Right now the only thing I really feel, is relief. I told him what I have wanted to tell him for a really long time. If that's the moment he chose to break up with me, it was well planned, but he misunderstood me. I have known there was something going on with him ever since he got back. He told me it was just being stoned on his meds. (He's adhd but goes off his meds in the summer) I've kind of been psyching myself up for a break ever since I accepted myself. And I suppose a break does simplify things quite a bit, with transitioning and all.
I'm sorry, but I'm not surprised. Most relationships don't survive a transition. I understand your relief. I felt that when I told my husband, even though the relationship is kind of awkward now. I knew we wouldn't last because I'm a hetrosexual male as is he. I have no interest in him sexually or romantically so that's over. But, you were honest with your boyfriend. Now you both can move on. He can do whatever and you can start transitioning without concern of losing him.
Well, the numbness is gone now. Replaced by rage. I cannot believe him. He was apparently chatting with my friend, and saying that he regretted saying what he did. Regretted it. Pardon my language, but what the hell? (would say stronger words but I'm not sure if that's allowed) It's a bit late for his regrets. He specifically told me that he has been manipulating me. He's lied to me for 5 and a half months. Now he feels bad about it? GOOD. I hope it haunts him for the rest of his screwed up miserable excuse for a life. If he's cowardly enough that the only time he could try to hurt me, is when my guard was down, when I'd just told him something that I have agonized about my whole life, he deserves what he's getting.
GRRRRRRRRRRR I AM SO MAD. i can only hope I manage to keep my cool at school tomorrow.... :icon_bat: :icon_burn: :icon_censored: :icon_chainsaw:
At fifteen, there is no such thing as a sane, stable, healthy, drama-free relationship. Wait ten years and try again.
Quote from: Mister on September 10, 2009, 12:50:59 AM
At fifteen, there is no such thing as a sane, stable, healthy, drama-free relationship. Wait ten years and try again.
I disagree... you need to add another ten on that at least! :laugh:.
Quote from: Mister on September 10, 2009, 12:50:59 AM
At fifteen, there is no such thing as a sane, stable, healthy, drama-free relationship. Wait ten years and try again.
I generally don't add posts of the form 'yeah, ditto,' but... yeah, ditto.
During teenage years, you are not going to find relationships of the depth and maturity needed to face, much less survive, a transition or the life following it. A compatible partner for a transsexual is one who has faced, and well measured up to, the very confusing and morally frightening challenges of adult life, and who is fully prepared to bring that maturity to bear in support of another. Such an animal is old enough to wear fur.
Conserve your time and energy for the rough and exciting ride ahead. As for the boy... let it go.
- N
Sounds to me as if you're well rid of him. Sorry he decided to be a jerk to you. :( I'm sure you will eventually find someone who deserves your affections and will love you just the way you are. You just may have to wait 20 years or so for the boys to grow up. ;)
Quote from: Mister on September 10, 2009, 12:50:59 AM
At fifteen, there is no such thing as a sane, stable, healthy, drama-free relationship. Wait twenty years and try again.
FIFY ;)
Aaron, Just like Mister, Ngarehu, Teknoir, Nimetön, and Jaime-o have all said: ain't nuthin' but a teen thang... (okay, I'm paraphrasing). But really, this too shall pass, and in time you'll be so glad it did.
At 30, I'm just barely starting to feel like *maybe* I can figure out some of this "relationship type stuff". And at 15, I sure as hell wasn't able to tell my romantic and sexual "ass from my elbow" so to speak. Don't give up, because in order to some day get "there" (wherever "there" may be - I think I lost my map...) you have to keep learning, keep loving, etc. But while you're learning and loving, keep in mind that "this probably isn't 'the one' just yet" at least for another decade or so (or two, maybe three? lol). Thinking elsewise just causes more hurt for all involved parties, and more bux in the divorce lawyers' wallets...
But maybe I'm just bitter and jaded? >:-)