Okay. So I think my girlfriend just dumped me on the phone. Because I'm exploring the feminine aspect of my personality. Haven't even decided to transition. Haven't done anything permanent to my body(except the first laser treatment on my neck). And I've already lost my most significant other, aside from my daughter. It makes me question why I am doing this - is it worth all I stand to lose? How can it be better on the other side of transition if I lose many of the people that are important to me?
The easiest thing to just throw out there & see if it sticks is well those who chose to leave you never belonged in the first place. In my personal opinion there is no script, no handbook, or any otherwise structured way to make ur way through this. It's your decision to make in the end which path is best for u. even in the best of circumstances these decions r frought w/peril & no one gets away clean. but please know that ur not the first, won't be the last, & will always have the support of many others in heart & spirit no matter what lies ahead or behind. most importantly of all is how you allow others to feel less alone simply by sharing ur thoughts. ty & best of wishes, Isabella
Quote from: calliope on September 16, 2009, 09:04:36 PM
Okay. So I think my girlfriend just dumped me on the phone.
aww, i'm sorry sweety :( :icon_hug:
Quote from: calliope on September 16, 2009, 09:04:36 PM
It makes me question why I am doing this - is it worth all I stand to lose? How can it be better on the other side of transition if I lose many of the people that are important to me?
this is what worked for me. I planned for the worst case. I had to be willing to give up EVERYTHING in my life. my friends, my family, my home, my job. everything. for me it was worth it to lose everything to be true to myself.
thankfully, I have yet to have to give up any of the things that meant a lot to me personally and financially, but I was prepared to do so if necessary.
YMMV
Quote from: calliope on September 16, 2009, 09:04:36 PMIt makes me question why I am doing this - is it worth all I stand to lose?
That's really the million dollar question isn't it?
You mentioned the people who are important to you. I think you need to be important to yourself..that's a huge thing dear. Over the years people have made plans with me, for me, and involving me...and those plans always sounded like a prison sentence because they were made for a person I wasn't. I cared for them so I tried to play along, only to have it end in disaster when I couldn't anymore. Does that sound familiar?
The girlfriend thing hurts, yeah, but at least she did it now. Think of the pain if she had rejected you on your first time out dressed, or when hrt leaves you unable to penetrate her. Clearly she isn't the one.
Nobody told us it was going to be easy. I find myself already able to engage in casual, day to day relationships with more confidence and ease, because the need to put up a personae is gone. People see the real me, like her or not. I haven't dared try a romantic relationship with these new rules yet, but I look forward to it. Does this sound appealing to you on any level, or are you happy with the depth of your relationships now?
Beth is right, be ready to lose everything, because you probably will. Listen to her, she's pretty smart ;) I've been suprised by the few people who stayed, and shocked and broken hearted by the many who left my life. This is so darn hard, I really wouldn't think it should be undertaken by anyone who had any other option. They say it gets better, but that it gets a lot worse first; and when I look at happy and well adjusted people here like Matilda, Sandy, and the Julies to name a few it's easy to see that there is hope.
I know, clear as mud huh :-* Hang in there sweety, wer'e here for you.
Quote from: Becca on September 16, 2009, 10:23:36 PM
That's really the million dollar question isn't it?
You mentioned the people who are important to you. I think you need to be important to yourself..that's a huge thing dear. Over the years people have made plans with me, for me, and involving me...and those plans always sounded like a prison sentence because they were made for a person I wasn't. I cared for them so I tried to play along, only to have it end in disaster when I couldn't anymore. Does that sound familiar?
The girlfriend thing hurts, yeah, but at least she did it now. Think of the pain if she had rejected you on your first time out dressed, or when hrt leaves you unable to penetrate her. Clearly she isn't the one.
Nobody told us it was going to be easy. I find myself already able to engage in casual, day to day relationships with more confidence and ease, because the need to put up a personae is gone. People see the real me, like her or not. I haven't dared try a romantic relationship with these new rules yet, but I look forward to it. Does this sound appealing to you on any level, or are you happy with the depth of your relationships now?
Beth is right, be ready to lose everything, because you probably will. Listen to her, she's pretty smart ;) I've been suprised by the few people who stayed, and shocked and broken hearted by the many who left my life. This is so darn hard, I really wouldn't think it should be undertaken by anyone who had any other option. They say it gets better, but that it gets a lot worse first; and when I look at happy and well adjusted people here like Matilda, Sandy, and the Julies to name a few it's easy to see that there is hope.
I know, clear as mud huh :-* Hang in there sweety, wer'e here for you.
Becca! is that really you? Shame on u! Such a beautiful young lady hiding behind a really cool avatar?!? i don't have the tech to show my real self, but shame on you! You are so pretty, please tell us you weren't hiding!
It does suck losing friends and family who leave you with that feeling of loneliness.
On the flip side are the new friends who become much more friends and family than those who turned tail and ran away and left you with that feeling of loneliness
That is the choice you have to make to come out. You are taking the chance that you will lose everyone important in your life. That generally doesn't happen, but it can. It's a real decision and has real consequences.
The best advice I ever read here was that people are more put off by changes than if you acted a certain way from when they first met you. I have spent the last two years living that way, leaving no real chance of me accidentally aligning with bigots or backstabbers, and I've met many people who I am comfortable being out with. Some of which I can seriously call friends and depend upon.
You must plan ahead to minimize losses. Exploring things can alienate those who surround you now, but open doors with different people. Our presentation is the role we play in the movie of life, so, be sure you cast yourself appropriately.
Where you're at in life might make this unfeasible. A lot of people go through career changes; certainly, almost no relationships survive. But the more you can plan, even the baby first steps, the better and safer it'll be.
The decision to cross the great gender divide to any degree is fraught with peril. It is a decision that must never be made lightly or with unrealistic expectations. But more importantly, it is not something that is best for everyone. Be honest with yourself, your expectations, and your life goals. If transition or gender-bending is an indelible part of that, then plan for it, plan for the losses, the heartache, the financial costs, danger and difficulties ahead. If it isn't, then start loving all the things you do have and count your blessings.
this is what is going to happen to me and i accept it i will lose my family i no longer have friends as i dont like to participate in guy things and i am tired of trying to pretend that i do i accept all of this because in the end i would rather start from scratch then go threw the rest of my life hating what i am. i spent 42 years trying to be a guy and it cost me my own happyness and almost my soul.
jessie
It's a roundabout time. I never had many friends as a guy. Lost a couple, tolerated y another. Family have been fine. Starting for the first time in my life to be making friends that I like and who like me.
So far so good, one step at a time, but I'm begining to start to stop taking one at a time; feel like a bit of a jog is coming on :laugh:
Hang in there, I think it gets easier. But then...
Hugs
Cindy
If someone doesn't love "you" as you are, they don't love "you". They love their personal idea of you, and that can be miles away.
that is so true miniar
jessie
Oh, girls. Thank you for rushing to my aid!:) There's so much sage wisdom in this thread, I don't know where to begin. What Miniar said really sticks out to me(probably because it was the last thing I read!) - it's very true. Maybe she is in love with her idea of me. And I'm probably as just as guilty of the same thing, when we originally started dating last fall.
My biggest fear about transitioning, and I think it's what I was alluding to in my line of questioning, is what if I lose my daughter. She just started Kindergarten, but still. I could go into a panic attack right now if I let myself think of the possibility of her ending up with her mom. With me not in her life. She means so much to me. She's my everything - and I know that's not healthy for me. I need to take care of myself so that I can take care of her. But I'd still be taking care of me ultimately to help her, you know what I mean? It's so hard - but now that I've let "Calliope" out of the closet, now that I've accepted her(me), I can't "put her away again". I need to tackle this somehow, and that somehow doesn't include purging my wardrobe, or never dressing again. I had some very dark thoughts a couple weeks back when I received an inaccurate impression from my therapist that she didn't agree with my assessment of myself and that I'd live out my days with this male body. I just can't not live without that hope that one day I will be able to express my soul to the world out there - that feminine soul.
Sorry - that wasn't a GF update. The update is that I'm handling it better than I thought I would. My coping mechanisms that I've developed over the years are kicking in. It still stings, but I've been able to relationalize it down to - the relationship is holding us both back. My from exploring my femininity, and her from finding a "real" man that she can settle down and have children with(some day). I think that we can still love each other, but that doesn't mean that our relationship works for us. Now that it's become a sort of hindrance, it is probably time to move on. We'll always be friends though. And I mean that - it's not just lip service. She tried to apologize and sort of "take it back" today on the phone, but, now that I'm in coping mode, I don't think I can really retract that. Because it might be a couple months from now, it might be next week, but she's going to give me the same story sooner or later.
I'm doing alright with it. I haven't purged anything. I haven't sworn off anything. I'm not feeling bad or perverse or disgusted with myself when I think about putting on the right clothes or swinging my hips or shaving my body hair. I think I'm doing well. Thank you all so much for your posts - it really does help to have a community, even online, that is sympathetic and understands me. This may be the first time that I've felt like I belong - not that I've "gotten along" with the group, but that I belong with the group.
i would agree that the most gut wrenching part of trans. is w/our kids. even though i knew my son would accept this easier than any other fam. members, i waited till he was out of hs. before telling him. he was living w/his Mom in a dif. st. so i could still trans w/o letting him have to deal w/it until i found the best time, good luck! Isabella
Quote from: calliope on September 16, 2009, 09:04:36 PM
Okay. So I think my girlfriend just dumped me on the phone. Because I'm exploring the feminine aspect of my personality. Haven't even decided to transition. Haven't done anything permanent to my body(except the first laser treatment on my neck). And I've already lost my most significant other, aside from my daughter. It makes me question why I am doing this - is it worth all I stand to lose? How can it be better on the other side of transition if I lose many of the people that are important to me?
Well... I lost my lesbian wife because of NOT transitioning, then I lost my straight gf because of transitioning. Long story, but anyway... I've lost family and a lot of friends over my transition, but TBH the relationships with all the people who don't accept me (including my own father and sister) were just not worth giving up my life for. I am much happier now, despite what some family thinks of me and how they treat me. And I have many more friends and more people whom I consider family than I ever did before.
Bottom line is, you have to determine what is best for you. Is transition dire enough for you that you are willing to risk relationships that are important to you. Only you can answer that.
~Ceili