So I wrote a blog...thought you guys might like to read. :)
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I sat here in front of a library computer trying to think of a good title for this blog entry, but all I could come up was to list the name of the organization I'm taking part in. It's called SALE- Students Advocating Lifestyle/LBGTA Equality. After two meetings, I've determined that I'm the only transgendered person there, which is fine with me. I didn't really go to find someone who is experiencing the same things I experience; I went to try and find someone who would listen to my point of view and treat me like a normal human being. I don't want to say that I haven't been treated like a normal human being, merely that I've been hesitant to form social connections because I'm not yet who I am. I suppose that's the kind of statement that a transgendered would instantly understand but which would appear confusing to someone else.
The first meeting was on Wednesday. We had an open house in the "safe zone" in Gilbert Hall. The room had a lot of comfy chairs that were probably a pain in the neck to try and get inside the room itself because it has the usual narrow doors that all the old buildings have. I ate some strawberries and something I couldn't identify, but it tasted good and didn't make me sick, so I guess it was all right. We spent the night talking to each other after we'd participated in an unusual exercise.
We were each given a sheet of paper. We were told to write down our names and two things about ourselves on the paper. Then, standing in two different rows facing each other, we crumpled up the papers and threw them about in something that resembled a snowball fight. After about five minutes of this, we each had one piece of paper (except for a woman who had two) and we read off we what found. I "came out" to everyone as a transsexual, but more particularly to the president whose name I forgot already. She's already said my real name (ie, not the one I was born with) about 7 times, so I'm embarrassed in advance. However, it was nice to finally be able to hug someone without reservation or fear that they'd think I'm weird.
The group met again the next night in a different room which was much smaller. I actually felt kind of cramped in there. I suggested that we all meet back at Gilbert Hall instead, but it's a long walk for a lot of students so I don't know if that will happen. I felt much more comfortable when I wasn't squeezed in like sardines.
One of the things I took away from the second meeting was that a lot of the LBGT clubs in high school were useless. Prejudices apparently ran high in a lot of schools and the pressure to conform is apparently greater. Given that it's not this way in college, I found myself wondering whether prejudice comes about due to a lack of education. I wonder whether it's possible that high schools teach a lot of things, but don't teach tolerance to others. All the bullying that seems to go on would seem to confirm this. At college, I have never once found a single instance of bullying at all, yet I would be surprised to go through the entire roster of students here and not find one person who had bullied someone in their previous schooling on a regular basis.
Although this has been a new experience for me, it's not the only one that's happened. I've also written an article for the newspaper "coming out" as a transsexual. I'm not going to suppose that I've come out to everyone on campus, because I suspect the student newspaper has a small readership. Even major newspapers aren't doing as well as in days past, so I don't expect our newspaper to do well either. Other than identifying myself as a transsexual, I also wrote about how I had a bad experience this summer at a church and don't feel confident going there for fellowship and such. I wrote this article before I had gone to SALE for the first time, so the picture it paints may be a bit bleaker than my current situation. However, what I wrote does reflect how I felt at the time and how I had felt for most of the summer since my visit to the church.
While I've been sitting here on a university laptop, I found 173 episodes of Gintama and 112 or so of the Galaxy Express 999 show. These are streaming through a site I've already forgotten but emailed myself. I might try and finish up Captain Harlock, though, as I wasn't able to back in May.
I've often found that I have such a good memory that I can read 4 or 5 books at once while I watch a bunch of long-running series the same month and I can keep everything straight and don't forget. If there's any one thing that I can pin down to my ability to rise above the meager opportunities I was given, it's been my memory. If information is power, then the more you can actively recall, the more information you will have at your command and, in consequence, the more powerful you will become. In my case, I prefer to call it self-empowerment. I also have an ability to see the consequences of actions far before anyone ever sees them. Some people prefer to wait until the final result comes before making up their mind, but I am becoming skilled at predicting what will happen before it does happen. Quite often, I'm right.
In my usual series of emails that I exchanged with my dad this week, he told me that his wife wound up in the hospital again. I had predicted this back in May when she had ended up there for some odd stomach thing I don't really understand. But I knew enough about to tell that it wouldn't be going away and that she'd only continue to get worse. I determined it in a way that seems simple enough to me, perhaps because it's a step-by-step procedure of the kind that I so often prefer.
Each person has a series of values and morals that they use in their everyday lives. These values determine their actions. Their actions determine how their lives take shape. Therefore, it's not a stretch to say that a person's values will determine the course their life takes. Someone who believes in God is more likely to go to church and pray more so than an atheist, but that's just an example. In the particular case of my stepmom/aunt, her value system has her avoiding every possible conflict. She does not confront things, she moves away from them. Even a little thing like me complaining about how I don't like mashed potatoes is enough to make her hesistant to cook anything for me, simply because she doesn't want to be involved in the conflict. She has yet to recognize that each person enters into a conflict with themselves every so often; each person has to confront their own imperfections and do something about it. I may be the only person in the family who has realized this. While her attitude of conflict-avoidance had worked for a while, it's now gotten to the point where she finds herself unable to correct physical problems because exercise comes under the heading of conflict- against one's desire to quit and do something easier. Consequently, her health has deteriorated to the point where it may be unsalvagable. I noticed this a few months ago and mentioned it to my dad. He chose not to take my warning but to believe that somehow things would work themselves out in the end. They usually do, but not in the way he was hoping. A simpler way of explaining this would be to say: "people reap what they sow." Not only do you have to live with the consequences of your actions, you also have to live with the consequences of your beliefs.
In a counseling session yesterday, my counselor told me that I was "brave" and that she was worried for my safety. I have a tendency to simplify things to their most basic levels and solve problems by choosing one thing or the other. Over time, I have gained confidence from this system as there are only so many things I can control and a lot of things I can't control. If it's a choice between going to SALE or sitting in my room, then I look at how each choice branches out into my life and choose whichever one I would like. Foresight of the consequences, for me, seems to be leading me steadily in a good direction. This is not to say that my life is easy, merely that I find myself more able to deal with problems when they arise and don't feel as depressed as I could otherwise when I make a determination never to give up no matter what may occur. A year ago on this day, if you asked me, I would have told you that life is nonsense that might not be worth it. Today, I feel as though the light in my life is finally starting to overcome the negativity that put me in what I call "a dark place"- which is where my family remains to this day.
Perhaps a person can never truly be themselves or know who they are until they are alone and faced with the knowledge that no one can help them. In a situation like that, it's either give up or dig in. I've chosen to dig in. So far, the problems of my life- big and small- are wilting away before nothing more than simple willpower.