Susan's Place Transgender Resources

My homecoming is fast approaching, and it's making me nervous. I'm not out as genderqueer/trans (still..questioning. Not out as not female.) to anyone at my school. The thought of wearing a dress to homecoming is absolutely repulsive, but I don't want to put myself in the line of fire of ridicule/violence (My school is that bad. It would be straight up unsafe) by wearing what would traditionally be what the guys are wearing. Is there any creative way to get around this, short of not going? What did you guys do for formal events?

I skipped Prom, because I thought it was overrated. Apparently the after parties were the only thing worth while.

But what I have done in the past was wear a woman's blouse, a tie and a pair of women's black slacks. You might be able to do it if casual-formal is allowed.

I went to two proms, and senior year I skipped.

First one I was still in denial/confusion and went in a dress my mom picked out and paid for.

Second one I went in a suit. Not a tux, but a boy's suit and tie.

A good middleground would be to go in a nice women's suit...I don't think schools can FORCE you into a dress. Especially if you make up something about why you can't...hell, threaten discrimination or sexism, etc etc. Or just skip prom.

i wore dress pants and a dress shirt with a tie.  >_>

if your school is seriously that unsafe, do you really want to show up there in the dark anyway?  id be less worried about clothes and more worried about finding a better school.

Deal with the dress or don't go. I'm inclined to recommend the latter more.

SilverFang

Quote from: Jörgen, on September 24, 2009, 09:07:58 AM

I wanted to wear something unisex since I hate both- dresses and suits. They told me they thought I was taking the piss and I couldn't go.  >:(

What happens at these "gatherings" anyway?  :-X

It's just a glorified dance party, that's all.

Never went to any of these things. If you're concerned about wearing a tux, why not just wear a women's pantsuit or something? better than wearing a dress and not obvious.

Guys, like regular guys, wear a tux to a formal event, a suit is semi-formal.

They wear a simple black tux, white shirt, black bow-tie, simple and understated studs for the shirt - and you roll like that.  Cummerbunds are for people who don't understand that you have to do everything in a tux that you can in a suit or sports ->-bleeped-<-.  So that cummerbund is just in the way.  Also they tend to loud and garish.  Iccky.  It just screams 'loser' to me.  I'm surprised they are not called 'loserbunds' by the apparel industry.  I see those things at Good Fella's weddings and lower-middle class highschool proms.

And, if your talking about you high school homecoming/prom, as it turns out, no one cares or remembers much of anything about high school about half an hour after you graduate.  If its a college event - follow the dress code (read the instructions dummy), and adhere to it.  You should be smart enough to be in college and if not know what a dress code is, at least be able to google one.  And colleges don't have proms, but they do have homecoming formals in a lot of places.  And the Greek system is lousy with formal events. 

And sure, I'm not even sure that its a glorified dance, its just a dance, with a formal dress code.  Just like a sock-hop, with limos.

And females do wear tuxes to events like that, not many, but a few, at least out here.

Second one I went in a suit. Not a tux, but a boy's suit and tie.

A good middleground would be to go in a nice women's suit...I don't think schools can FORCE you into a dress. Especially if you make up something about why you can't...hell, threaten discrimination or sexism, etc etc. Or just skip prom.

See, I don't like that, too mushy, too much middle ground - wear the prom dress - or when you've grown up you get to wear cocktail dress instead, much better - or the tux.  Pick one and run with it.  That the dress code.  If you don't like it, don't go.  Simple.  I didn't care for that stuff a whole hell of a lot at the time, so I went to the Grateful Dead at Winterland on my prom night.  Also a dress code of a sort, but pretty causal.   Like I said, I've seen girl in tuxs, and a few even wear them well.

I went to homecoming twice in high school, prom once. For both homecomings I wore dresses; at that point, I was under the impression that if I tried my best to be a girl, I would be. For prom I went with a long skirt and top, and glittery sneakers... slightly closer to what I would have liked, if only the skirt had been pants. The first dance thing I went to in college, when I was finally realizing I wasn't quite up to the girl role, I wore a women's suit that was as close to men's attire that I could find; henceforth, I was labeled a lesbian. Oh, and if we want to move this topic or start a new one in Just for Us, I'll furnish a photo from my prom.

SD

Homecoming tends to be a not as formal an event as prom (at least at my school) so you could get away with wearing neither a tux nor a dress; you could wear a women's suit, or slacks and a very nice shirt.  Prom would not be so easy.  I don't know, since I don't have to worry about that at my school (when I wore a tux to homecoming, all I got were compliments).  All this administrative huffing and puffing about unisex clothing is appalling.  Anyway, if you can't find a manner of dress that satisfies you, don't go.  Dances suck anyway; the only good thing about them is dressing up, and that is somewhat denied to you.

No way would I ever go to a prom or homecomings. It's too over rated for me.

Quote from: tekla on September 24, 2009, 02:16:56 PMAnd sure, I'm not even sure that its a glorified dance, its just a dance, with a formal dress code.  Just like a sock-hop, with limos.

I say glorified not because it is, but because people build it up like that in their minds.

When i went to homecoming while I was in high school, i wasnt out as trans, I wasnt even introduced to the "term" or idea, understand...i had no idea what it was. Though even then I came up with a creative nick name that was boyish. I dressed as a boy and did what ever i could to hide my female features, and I was also afraid of what others, and my school athorities may say with me entering my school in a tux. Though i did anyways taking that risk. If you are not willing to take that risk, i say go for something inbetween. a womens dress suit, but instead of a skirt do pants. Since womens suits seems to me form fitting try gettinga size bigger then you would just for a more boyish look but "girlyish". With a nice shirt boy or girl...no tie or such just the top button undone...with a nice pair of dress shoes...not heels..

d.j

Didn't go to any proms.  Sounded boring and awkward.  A guy invited me to go with him; that was even more awkward so I declined.  Apparently another guy brought a blow-up doll as his date.  That would've been interesting to see.

Apart from that, I was told that the prom basically consisted of all of the guys sitting around playing poker while the girls tried to get them to dance.

If you go, a womens' pantsuit would be the middle ground.  But seeing as how all the girls are probably going to be wearing dresses, it'll still mark you as 'different.'  Might as well just go all the way and wear the tux.  If you're really concerned for your safety, then that comes first.  Either don't go or *wince* suck it up in a dress. 

If you're a social person, and have friends, then go. Dress how you're safe but can still feel comfortable to not ruin the night. For people who're part of social groups that do this sort of thing (school dances and after-parties) it can be a major regret to look back and not have attended.

If you're not a social person or don't have a lot of friends, then don't bother. It's a waste of money (clothing, tickets, whatever) and you'll probably just stand around and do nothing. And be bored. Like I did.

I didn't go to my end of school formal event. I dropped out 2 weeks before the end and made sure I was 200km's away at a lan party  :laugh:.

I saw photos though. In all the prom / formal / whatever photo's I've seen, people are either wearing a tux or a ball gown. And they all looked like complete spanners.

I think if you're not in a ball gown or a tux, and you don't look like an awkward kid playing dress up, you're not going to fit in  ;).

But really, you're likely not going to see any of these people again if you're one of the ones graduating. I think the only thing worth having concern over is your physical safety.

There is a line from an old and rather obscure rock song where the female vocalist sings: Either go away or go all the way in.  Or as the Ye Olde English saying goes: In for a penny, in for a pound.  So, I've always thought, what the hell, if you're going to do it, do it right.

I'm sure that even in the most rural districts its a lot more common for a girl to have worn a tux then for a boy to have worn a prom dress.  I'll bet dollars to doughnuts on that one.

The descriptions of the proms that were awkward social event I didn't quite get though.  I always thought they were a date deal.  You didn't go stag, or with a blow-up doll (points for style there), or sit around waiting to dance (like all other school social functions) - you went to dance with your date.

And hey, it's an event.  You either like such events, or you don't.  By definition life is a costume party, you just have to know who is throwing the party and what the dress code for it is.  Then choose what event suits you more, that is more interesting, that offers you more - whatever.

I didn't go to mine, never regretted that decision, but in part I bet that's because I didn't sit at home doing nothing.  I did something else I liked even more. I did it with people I liked more than the people who were going to prom.  I'm sure there were lots of lame aspects to prom, beginning with them holding it at a country club (well mine at least), but there were lame aspects to the Dead too.  Both events (the prom and the Grateful Dead) had aspects of a dress code, one a formal code for formal clothes, the other less formal, but still very existent.  Neither one any less funny than the other. 

And I always liked the costume deal, so sure I might have chose the prom over the Dead (I saw them play over 100 times, so its not like it was a one night only deal) if I could have worn the prom dress (I would have looked so smashing), but the tux alone would not have kept me away.  And, though I hated them at the time, I've had to wear one in a lot of the stage work and other events I've done and when I got used to it it had its nice points and advantages. 

I mean you have two options.  One is an outfit you like, but will not get you laid - hell it won't get you the time of day - to save your life.  The other you don't like, don't even think it looks good on you, but its like magic, chicks just don't dig it, it positivity makes them wet if you can come even close to pulling it off.  So?  What to wear?

And it's not secret that there are a lot of women who really, really, really love the look of a guy in a tux.  I don't know why either.  But it's true.  Kinda the same way guys feel about girls walking down the street in that victoria's secret/fredricks of hollywood catalog look - "Well, hello Betty!"

That reverse effect, where the girls like the guys who look like they can clean up well, and the guys like the girls who look dirty already.

But really.  The only outfit that works on girls they way a tux does is a real good uniform, particularly the U.S. Naval Officer Dress Whites (I think most navy's have dress whites for the naval officers).  SF is a big navy town, ships stop here (always have) and shore leave is a big deal.  As it should be.  And I've seen many officers out and about and damn they are chick magnets, like a moth before a flame.

For most regular guys I think the invention of the tux/suit was a stoke of genius.  You never have to worry about what you are going to wear, or how to wear it - it never changes. In it's own way its a uniform, and if you treat it that way, it more or less works.  That's why the whole 'wedding party' tuxes suck so bad.  All those bad colors, bad fabrics (I mean I wouldn't upholster a couch in that stuff), frills, fringes and yeah, that cummerbund - it will make your head swim.  Particularly because such fashions defeat the entire reason and purpose of the look in the first place, which is to look EXACTLY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE (or at least like every other guy - the opposite for women, where two people wearing the same dress, heaven forfend).  You never need to worry, it's always right.  Just wear a clean white shirt, the rest is gravy.

I would say though that social events like a prom are just that - social events.  Life too is mostly a social event - its not something you do at home in your spare time.  So things like prom, or the entire college circuit of dances, mixers, cocktail parties, wine and cheese receptions and all that are so you can practice so you can go out in the world and do it right.  Perhaps not everybody - but I'm sure 99% of the people - feel awkward doing it at times, don't know all the clues, behaviors and mannerisms, don't know how to act (pro tip: when in rome... do what everyone else is doing) and are deathly afraid of making a faux pas - but practice makes perfect.  And that's what these events are, practice.

So, if you have some other social, physical, real life deal to do instead of prom do it.  If the choice is prom or another night at home, watching TV or playing vid games, go to the prom.


Clean shirt, new shoes
And I dont know where I am goin to.
Silk suit, black tie,
I dont need a reason why.
They come runnin just as fast as they can
Coz every girl crazy bout a sharp dressed man.



*The only style guide you need for a tux is Robert Redford and Paul Newman in The Sting.  Or Danial Craig and Sean Conerey in the Bond movies.
Plain, simple, understated, the gun of course is optional
http://www.atbar.com/wp-content/uploads/05_03_2008_170331_timfea_u1506289.jpg (http://www.atbar.com/wp-content/uploads/05_03_2008_170331_timfea_u1506289.jpg)
Even girls who don't like Robert Redford swoon when he is in that tux
http://www.jasoncollin.org/wp-content/uploads/2008/10-oct/the-sting-1973-screenshot-495x.png (http://www.jasoncollin.org/wp-content/uploads/2008/10-oct/the-sting-1973-screenshot-495x.png) 

Thanks for the input, everyone. I've decided not to go. I was only going to go if a friend publicly embarrassed herself to ask me (she was planning on doing so) but she got a different date, and now it's really just not worth it for me. So the storm of homecoming has passed. I'll worry about prom when the time comes. (Homecoming is in the fall, and is an all-grades dance at the school. Prom is a seniors only dance, usually at a hotel, for anyone who was confused by that.)

Most of the guys at prom wear a tux, but then take it off once inside and just have the tux pants, a button up shirt, and a tie/vest. I may plan to do the same, and also have a room at the hotel that prom is held in. That way, if there is any concern for my safety, I will have a place to go.

Wow, I'm really late (again), but I wanted to say this. My homecoming is coming up, too. My first "formal" dance, and I don't know what to do either. If your school is bad enough that you would fear for your safety going in any type of men's clothing, I would suggest a women's suit or something like that. Although your decision of not going is probably best. I don't know what I've going to do though... I'll probably end up skipping it, too.  :-\

Quote from: Jörgen, on September 25, 2009, 08:30:47 AM

I think it's better to go to Re-unions (is that what they're called?) when everyone is a bit more wise and experienced. ;D

And watch all my high school buddies have a heart attack as they get re-aquainted with Chris, new and improved...rofl. Can't wait.