This is something I have been wondering to myself for sometime now and have finally found a place to ask others their opinions.
I am a FTM, mind you. In the LGBT comm, in my area most Trans men I know are dating lesbians, I know of none that are dating heterogirls. This is where it sort of confuses me, if your a lesbian why would you date a FTM he is male is he not? Weather it be pre-t, pre-op or on t, post-op, so does that make them...bisexual. I find my self more attracted to heterogirls them...lesbians...how that works im not exactly sure, and not exactly sure how to word it differently so readers understand what I mean..Lesbians, and heterogris just act different in my opinion. Though becuase i am pre-t pre-op it was hard (i currently have a g.f) to get straight women to look at me as other then a female. There was two girls that i meet within this past year that at first had no idea I was born female...even after they found out still liked me for who I am and that ment alot. My current girlfriend is a lesbian which in a sense scares me for once I start T and surgeries, for the simple fact of if shes still going to find me attractive or not.
So I guess that I'm asking if other FTMs that are dating Lesbians are afraid of the same thing, also if to them weather its easier dating a lesbian then a hetero, or going about trying to talk to aheterogirl...
D.j
I'm dating an androgyne, so no personal experience on this one; but I'd say your best bed would be with a bi chick.
By definition, a heterosexual female is going to want someone who's a man in behavior and appearance, and has male genitalia. Whether or not she cares if the person was born physically male is going to depend on the individual.
I wouldn't go out with a lesbian. I know she wouldn't see me as a man so...no point
Quote from: CodyJess on September 24, 2009, 08:13:41 PM
<...> I'd say your best bed would be with a bi chick.
great play there. :laugh:
My guess is that they were previously in a lesbian relationship before and have accepting partners.
But I would personally never date a lesbian just because they want a woman, and I'm not one.
I've wondered this too DJKnyht. Why would a lesbian be sexually attracted to a man? Pre-anything I can understand, but once the guy starts transitioning and starts looking more male wouldn't she not be interested anymore? Also, since we're mentally male, think and act more male wouldn't a lesbian not be attracted to that anyway? I don't mean to stereotype, but I get the impression that many lesbians hate men in general anyway.
I hate to say this but most relationships don't survive transitioning- whether your partner is a straight man or lesbian. You can't blame them really. A straight man or lesbian isn't attracted to men. You can't expect them to change just for you. If your partner's bi then maybe it would last, I don't know. You should probably prepare yourself for eventually losing her. Have you told her you're trans yet?
Quote from: Vega on September 24, 2009, 09:16:04 PM
I wouldn't go out with a lesbian. I know she wouldn't see me as a man so...no point
To right!
Quote from: Tristan H. on September 24, 2009, 09:28:30 PMBut I would personally never date a lesbian just because they want a woman, and I'm not one.
I feel the same, I hate being seen as female so going out with a lesbian wouldn't be an option for me.
I don't know. What if she's just a lesbian because she's into female genitalia?
Quote from: Radar on September 25, 2009, 07:01:22 AM
I've wondered this too DJKnyht. Why would a lesbian be sexually attracted to a man? Pre-anything I can understand, but once the guy starts transitioning and starts looking more male wouldn't she not be interested anymore? Also, since we're mentally male, think and act more male wouldn't a lesbian not be attracted to that anyway? I don't mean to stereotype, but I get the impression that many lesbians hate men in general anyway.
I hate to say this but most relationships don't survive transitioning- whether your partner is a straight man or lesbian. You can't blame them really. A straight man or lesbian isn't attracted to men. You can't expect them to change just for you. If your partner's bi then maybe it would last, I don't know. You should probably prepare yourself for eventually losing her. Have you told her you're trans yet?
I've only had one lesbian relationship, it was doomed from the word go. My circle of friends has always been with men's men and hers was purely in the hardcore men hating lesbian community and it all clashed horribly. We'd argue because I acted too much like a guy. Ironically after we split up she tried to set me up with one of her friends and this friend said I wasn't her type because I looked too girly :P
Quote from: Radar on September 25, 2009, 07:01:22 AM
I've wondered this too DJKnyht. Why would a lesbian be sexually attracted to a man? Pre-anything I can understand, but once the guy starts transitioning and starts looking more male wouldn't she not be interested anymore? Also, since we're mentally male, think and act more male wouldn't a lesbian not be attracted to that anyway? I don't mean to stereotype, but I get the impression that many lesbians hate men in general anyway.
I hate to say this but most relationships don't survive transitioning- whether your partner is a straight man or lesbian. You can't blame them really. A straight man or lesbian isn't attracted to men. You can't expect them to change just for you. If your partner's bi then maybe it would last, I don't know. You should probably prepare yourself for eventually losing her. Have you told her you're trans yet?
yes she was aware that i was trans before we started dating, and in the begining that was one of her concerns. I have recently made my self a packer because i dont have the money to buy one and she has taken a unexpected liking to it. we sort of talked about this last night and she said if she could make me a male she should, that she does she me as a male and not a female. so this made me feel alot better but that insecurity of her leaving once I start T and serguries is still there.
d.j
Well, my partner (genderqueer/androgyne) previously identified as a lesbian (as did I).
When I came out as trans, I wasn't sure how Ash'd take it, and sie even admitted that sie didn't really know how to feel about it, and "what" that made hier: lesbian/straight/other?
After a lot of soul-searching on both our parts, Ash decided that sie loves me for me, for who I am inside, and that's not changing. Sie's modified the label of hier sexual orientation to "queer" (which is separate from hier genderqueer/androgyne gender identity, I might add), and I think sie basically see's me as the "exception" to hier rule of primarily being attracted to women.
I can tell you, at first I was really insecure about whether Ash saw me as a "real" guy or just a girl who goes by a male name/pronouns, but I really do feel that sie completely sees me as male. One time, someone mentioned me by my birth name, and Ash was like, "who? Ooohh, James!". Sie had kinda mentally blocked that name in reference to me, since to hier, I'm just James, I'm completely hier boyfriend/male partner, I'm just a regular guy, etc.
I've also adjusted my sexual orientation to "queer", not entirely because Ash is GQ/andro, but also because I don't feel like my orientation is 100% one way or the other, and I certainly don't feel like a straight, white, male. I identify more personally with the label "queer" as it allows for some flexibility in definition, and accounts for the fact that even as trans, I'm still a part of the larger LGBTQ community (yes, I know, there's controversy in that, but I feel happy being a part of that community - for me, ymmv).
Anyhow, back to the topic at hand. As far as sexually, there was some trepidation at first with Ash seeing my "parts" as male. But I think once sie got used to seeing my biological parts as the male equivalents they are to me, and once sie got comfortable being intimate with my "detachable" parts as well, it seems that we've really hit a much more deep and personal level in our sex life. We're both able to be completely vulnerable with each other (which is very important to intimacy, if you ask me), we both feel completely attracted to each other and know that our partner feels the same about us. And trust me, sie relates to me and my body sexually as a man, not as a woman with a guy's name.
I think some people have much more rigid senses of their sexuality, and that's okay if that's what's natural and valid for them, but because both Ash and I were able to be somewhat more malleable throughout this process, I think we've found a comfort and acceptance that really works well and has strengthened our relationship as a whole.
So the "no relationships last during transition" thing seems to be a fallacy, at least in my experience. This does not mean that all relationships last through transition, because obviously there are many people out there who are not able or willing to adjust their frame of reference or be attracted to their partner's target gender. I absolutely respect those people in that situation though, because I understand that just because we were able to be flexible in our orientations doesn't mean that everyone is able to be. I think some people just authentically are at one end of the spectrum or the other, and cannot be something they're not. Since we were already in the murky "grey area" anyhow, it wasn't much of a leap for us.
Anyhow, just my two cents. :)
I am a recovering Lesbian. My partner (who I am still with) has always identified as Bi so it has not been a problem. She does not see me as a female but as a guy.
Myles
Quote from: myles on September 25, 2009, 03:36:30 PM
I am a recovering Lesbian.
LOL!! :D I'm totally stealing that line. ;)
hahaha recovering lol im stealin it as well...."welll ya see here doc im recovering from lesbianism lmfao
Lesbians and I have always been like oil and water, my friends and peers have always been guys and here I was supposed to hate men only listen to "wimmin's" music (yuck!) and all that.
Plus lesbians want women, not guys. I've been told this a bunch of times, and my last GF broke up with me when she realized I'm a guy even before taking T and all that.
I have come to the conclusion myself that a woman who's bi would in fact be a good choice for us.
Avoid the lentil-munching man-haterz lol! :o
Not all lesbians are lentil munching man haters! My wife is a lesbian - that's how she defines, and I have no problem with it at all. Just because I'm a man doesn't mean she has to redefine her sexuality - if we weren't together for any reason, she'd be looking for a female partner.
The same thing happens with gay men, for some reason most of them don't want to date other gay guys but would love to be with a straight guy...My opinion as an asexual MtF is; Just like how us girls almost always fall for the bad boy...Gays/Lesbians want a challenge and that challenge keeps them going...
i am a heterogirl and my boyfriend is ftm...
his previous girlfriend was (well, still is) mostly into girls. this really really rubbed me the wrong way for a while.... he is a guy, and to think that a lesbian was attracted to him makes me feel funny because i can't help but wonder if she liked him because he was "the best of both worlds"... if you know what i mean. at that time, he was pre-T and pre-op and i can't stand the idea that she may have been seeing him as female and that is why she was attracted to him.
so yeah, i also don't understand why an ftm would want to date a lesbian, because they are attracted to the parts of you that you reject.
This is one thing I often wonder. When I do get a girlfriend will she be straight, lesbian, bi? And I honestly don't know how I would feel about dating each one. Well I straight girl would be nice, how would she see me? Same with lesbians. Would they see me as a man or a woman? The best case I could think of is being with a bi girl, but even then there are some issues...
Yeah I know not all are birkenstock wearing man-haters lol.
Some are really cool, but yes, most want to be with WOMEN.
I like streight girls, of course, but also some lesbians like FTMs too in fact I've seen gals I knew as lesbians, to show up happily married to a straight guy a few years (or even months) down the road lol.
Quote from: emoglassesenvy on September 27, 2009, 09:27:13 AMSo yeah, i also don't understand why an ftm would want to date a lesbian, because they are attracted to the parts of you that you reject.
Well said. That's my thoughts entirely.
Quote from: Adam on September 27, 2009, 10:22:45 AM
This is one thing I often wonder. When I do get a girlfriend will she be straight, lesbian, bi? And I honestly don't know how I would feel about dating each one. Well I straight girl would be nice, how would she see me?
as a straight girl, i would say that if she was dating you then she would definitely see you as a guy and probably wouldn't be attracted to any particularly female aspects of your body...
in our case, though i am definitely not into girls or girl parts, i just regard his as someone said, "the male counterparts"... i don't think of that as "his female part"... i just think of it as a part of him.. so it doesn't bother me so much anymore.
so i guess the point is... don't be afraid of straight girls. haha.
I am currently dating a straight girl, of course now she is having doubts about her sexuality since she figured out I was born female, but I'm fairly certain that can be attributed to her lack of understanding about transgenders. I am post-transition, so I simply approached her as any guy would, and when things got serious, I told her about it, she was cool, and we are dating.
Quote from: Asher on September 28, 2009, 07:34:11 PM
I am currently dating a straight girl, of course now she is having doubts about her sexuality since she figured out I was born female, but I'm fairly certain that can be attributed to her lack of understanding about transgenders. I am post-transition, so I simply approached her as any guy would, and when things got serious, I told her about it, she was cool, and we are dating.
yeah, i went through that doubts in my sexuality phase too after my boyfriend told me. after researching, coming to terms with ->-bleeped-<- as a physical defect and not a psycological one, and reflecting on how happy my boyfriend makes me because he *is* a boy... helped me feel a lot better knowing that just because my boyfriend has different plumbing from other guys, it does not make me a lesbian because he is a guy and i am attracted to him as a guy. if for some reason he started wanting to wear girl clothes or being referred to with feminine pronouns, i would be properly weirded out just as any girlfriend would if her bioguy did the same thing. my boyfriend happens to not have a penis, but that doesn't make me a lesbian. i hope your girlfriend takes the time she needs to think about all of the issues she now has to deal with and comes to the same conclusion that i have.