Hello:
My name is Chris. I am 19 and have spent the last 4 years living as a gay male. Recently I have come to think that might be transgendered. This is why:
Young (5-10):
When I was young I always wanted to dress like my sisters, who were a year or two younger than me. I wanted to grow my hair long and spend time in the morning making it look pretty. I wanted to wear the dress or the skirt with the pretty blouse. I wanted to play house and be the mommy and take care of my babies. I always wanted to sleep in my sister's bedroom with them, because they shared a room and I couldn't figure out why I was excluded. I always felt very like my sisters and could not understand the differences every else seemed to.
Young-adult(11-15):
At this stage I started to notice that my male friends were attractive. While they were mentioning a cute girl, I couldn't help but notice that they were attractive and didn't see what they saw in other girls. I would think, her hair is cute, or I like her outfit. But never found them attractive. I would also find my friend's privates intriguing when we would end up naked. (It always seemed to happen at sleepovers. he he) I would always wonder how sex worked and would be confused when I realized I looked the same. After seeing a girl naked once I realized how sex worked and began to become confused. At this point I realized I was a boy and that I was supposed to like girls. At this point I didn't know what to do and was completely confused. Then I heard about what gay was.
Current(16-19):
At some point when I was 15 I decided that maybe I was gay. Since this time I have had many gay relationships and had sex with other males. This, being as close as it gets in my current state, still doesn't feel right. I mean, I feel like the man should want to take care of me and open a door for me and tell me I look pretty. I see my girlfriends in relationships and I'm completely jealous as to how they are treated by men. When I've had sex it just . . . doesn't seem right. I mean, yes he's in me, but then he touches my penis and it just seems . . . weird, as if the pleasure shouldn't be coming from that way. When I masturbate it seems like . . just wrong again. Like I shouldn't feel pleasure and having a penis just seems wrong.
I would like to seek a therapist at some point, but I want to be sure that it is a strong possibility before I starting paying money to talk to someone about it.
Thanks for any comments.
<3
To trans gender or not can only be your decision. But you sound like a girl to me :icon_chick:
I am EXACTLY (pinpoint) like you, like the girls here said to me, you need to consult with a therapist and together you will figure it out. I just attended my first one today and hoping to get something out of it after a few weeks of sessions :)
Here is my blog: im sure you'll find it very similar to yours.
http://tristansmind.blogspot.com/ (http://tristansmind.blogspot.com/)
I do suggest dressing up and see how you feel after a few tries of it.
hi Miyabi,
It's so nice to meet you, there are so few straight girls around here ;) Weird to think of yourself as straight after all that conditioning isn't it...lol
QuoteThis, being as close as it gets in my current state, still doesn't feel right
This is your qualifier. Beginning transition cost me a long term relationship with a man I love dearly. It hurts, a lot, but the band aid that is the femme gay lifestyle probably isn't going to hold forever...but it seems you are figuring that out. The main thing I would watch for is a therapist that wants to spend a year discussing if you are a hyperhomosexual or not; in my opinion that whole line of thought is nonsense but somehow it persists, and you can figure it out for yourself really without spending thousands of dollars.
Welcome to Susans, hon! You are, without a doubt, in the right place and moving in a great direction. I, too, started to figure things out when I was your age. I didn't transition until about age 22. But I totally understand the confusion and conflict.
Again... Welcome!
As a side note, all of my contact information is listed here. You're always more than welcome to e-mail or IM me if you'd wish to talk.
*hugs* Welcome again!
@Tristan - Wow, your story is so. . . like I truly feel relation to your story! =D Do you have messenger or something so we can chat more?
I hope to meet a therapist in January sometime, hopefully I can find one. I live in a very hick-ish area, so such things are rare. How did your first meeting go?
@Becca - Thanks. Ha ha. It is kinda weird, after having conditioned to be gay for so long to start thinking I'm straight again.
@Kelli - Thanks for the welcome. I'll add you to messenger. You have MSN right?
Actually, I have AIM, Yahoo, and MySpace, as well as regular e-mail. Feel free to catch me on either one of those. :-)
I added you to Myspace.
I could reply to your private message. o.e Maybe restrictions for new users? I don't know, but thanks for reaching out your support. =]
Hi Miyabi
As you can see I'm one the 'oldies'. Welcome and I hope life becomes a little clearer. It's amazing what journies we have. As others have said catch up with a good therapist who can have a long chat. But you are also with family now so we are alsways here for you.
Hugs
Cindy
Thank you so much!
I am so glad to have such a happy welcome.
I need to sleep though everyone, because I have a color-guard performance tomorrow!
Just to inject a little bit of the other side of the matter...
I always get a bit wary when somebody wants to transition because of envy or perceived advantages of the other gender.
I realize that their reasons may in fact be deeper but they can only describe it as, "When I see women wearing pretty clothes..."
In the worst case scenario, transitioning could involve losing all your friends and never having a relationship with anyone for the rest of your life.
I like the thought experiment, "If the whole earth was destroyed by warfare and you were the only survivor, would it still be important for you to transition?"
I disagree with the "envy is wrong" statements, I think it might be natural for some.
In many times I felt annoyed that people want me to be more like this and less like that and treated me like this and not like that,
They were given that I was given this.. and I think any girl would feel the same on many things and in many ways.
I'd say if you suspect it, go to a psychiatrist and have it assessed, they might help you find out.
Then again some of then can be total idiots @@..
@Renate - Maybe I just described it poorly. It isn't so much an envy of them having it. It's more of them being the way they are, and me not being able to be that. If that makes sense. o.e
Hi Miyabi, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 3200 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. :icon_hug:
And be sure to check out
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
It is important for you to see a
gender therapist/psychologist, not just any therapist/psychologist. They are well versed in our issues.
Blessed Be.
Janet
No, I don't think that envy is wrong.
Moreover, I think that it might be one of our first experiences along the road of transition.
I just think that envy alone doesn't have the octane to get you there.
This was not meant as a criticism of Miyabi.
Just a call to think about why you'd want to transition.
Hi, Chris. I do think that you've come to the right place to begin exploring. As everyone else has said, try and find a gender therapist in your area. This will help you a lot. This, of course, costs money and you might need in involve your parents.
Where are they with you being gay? (of sorts). Have they been accepting and supportive? To what degree? This may or may not give you an idea how they might react to this news. They may be fine with it, and might not at all. They may worry about your safety and about the effects of hormones or surgery someday.
Your history does sound like a classic early transitioner. From what I know, relationships with our birth gender is more prevalent amongst those who go on to transition early in life. This is not always the case, though. There is no hard and fast rules here about human behavior and hard wiring.
Good luck, Chris!
Sure :) my aim is tj3stan30 or yahoo tristan_jmv
talk to you there :)
-Tristan
@Janet - Thanks. =]
@Renate - Oh I see. =]
@Julie - They are all fine and good with me being gay. My mother actually said, "It's about time you said something, I've known for years." When I told her I was gay.
@Thread - Sorry I haven't been on in a few days . . . I've just been. I dunno. It's like a lot of times I feel completely comfortable with the idea, and other I think, "There's no way I could go through with it, I just couldn't deal with it emotionally. I guess that's probably what the therapist is for? ha ha.
Hey Chris,
I know your question has already been answer, but i thought i would put my 2 cents in. :laugh:
Quote from: Virginia Marie on September 26, 2009, 01:44:07 AM
To trans gender or not can only be your decision. But you sound like a girl to me :icon_chick:
I could not have said it better myself.
good luck!
So I did some Googling. The closest gender therapist is 2 hours away. I think I will make a phone call later this week and check up on prices.
What have you all paid for your therapy and how often do you usually go?
Congratz on making the first step!!!
Sorry I have not gorne to therapy yet, so i can't help you. But again congratz :laugh:
Hi Myabi,
I paid $450 USD for the original assessment and $100 USD for each appointment after that. I only went a few times, perhaps because I knew very well what I wanted from the first visit and had already changed my name and been iving full time before then.
@Just - thank you.
@Kat - That is a lot less than I expected it would be. Perhaps I could get started sooner than I expected.
My therapy cost anywhere from $75-$150 per hour. But some will work with you based upon your ability to pay.
I'm hoping they'll allow me to make payments, because if they want me to go in once a week I'm not sure I would be able to afford it. Well I might, but I need to get my bills figured out first. Moving into a new place is a lot of work. ha ha.
Post Merge: September 29, 2009, 11:04:19 PM
OH! Also, I was going to say that I've mentioned this to a few friends. The ones I have told have been very good with it and are very supportive. =] Your positive reactions are what helped me face my fears and talk to my friends about it. Thanks girls. <3 -hugs you all-
Hi! I'm young! I relate to your story so much too. Being Gay doesn't make me happy though, I feel a deeper connection with women. I always found someones outfit as cute, or hairstyle totally awesome! My mother says it is to early to say whether I am Gay or A transsexual or not. I really think she is wrong though... I am glad to stumbled across these boards. ;D
(removed age ~ Miniar)
Ok. I want to chime in. Take this as you will.
I don't think wanting to dress like girl, thinking girls outfits are cute, or wanting to have a man tell you your pretty, open doors, and take care of you makes you a transsexual.
Now, the obvious thing (as others have also said) is to see a therapist. You need to figure out what or if there are other things going on.
I don't want to dissuade you, but I might be. Don't rush to any conclusions.
I think (know) that you can know at a young age. I always knew - but that is just me. I know life isn't always that clear cut, and the only reason I didn't seek out a therapist until 19 was because I was scared to death. My parents were scary (they always talked about how disgusting the GLBT community was). I finally couldn't handle it anymore, and finally did tell them after having been in therapy for a long time.
Take your time, go to therapy, and really figure yourself out. In the end, the decision is really yours and only you can know. Good luck.
Hi Chris, and welcome to Susan's.
As others have said, you have come to a safe place to begin this exploration. If you are truly thinking seriously about this, please explore fully! There are few real road maps and there are pitfalls and ravines and quicksand all around you. Being gay does not have nearly the stigma in society being TS does. I am honestly not trying to dissuade you at all. But if I can talk you out of being TS, then you probably were not to begin with.
This is all about who you really are at the core of your being, and about which lenses make your view of life seem right. You may indeed be a gay male who simply has a need to visit the other side once in a while. If so, embrace and enjoy. If it is deeper, then you seem young enough to make your plans wisely.
I think everyone who is anywhere on this spectrum has gone through the phase of envying GGs for the clothes they get to wear on a daily basis, makeup, and all of that. So, just take time to check out what that means for you and don't let it be the determining factor for any decisions you might make.
I pay $140 to see my therapist and she is worth it. I started off going weekly. Now I call her when I need to visit. So it really varies.
Honey, I truly wish you the best at this special time in your life. Please let me know if I can be of help in any way.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi
Ahhhhh!
So I'm really struggling at the moment. Like almost multiple times in the same day I feel completely feel comfortable as a gay male. Then I truly feel like I should be a girl and that feels perfectly the way it should be.
I don't get how I can feel both at almost the same time. =/ I don't know what to do!!!! TT-TT
Quote from: Renate on September 26, 2009, 07:09:15 AM
Just to inject a little bit of the other side of the matter...
I always get a bit wary when somebody wants to transition because of envy or perceived advantages of the other gender.
I realize that their reasons may in fact be deeper but they can only describe it as, "When I see women wearing pretty clothes..."
In the worst case scenario, transitioning could involve losing all your friends and never having a relationship with anyone for the rest of your life.
I like the thought experiment, "If the whole earth was destroyed by warfare and you were the only survivor, would it still be important for you to transition?"
It may just be one of the ways Chris is expressing him/herself?
I myself appreciate "pretty" girls clothes, I would never wear them myself, I have always worn business suits as an accountant........then later with my 2nd degree, I dress more casually in Social Work
Quote from: Miyabi on October 09, 2009, 02:16:58 AM
Ahhhhh!
So I'm really struggling at the moment. Like almost multiple times in the same day I feel completely feel comfortable as a gay male. Then I truly feel like I should be a girl and that feels perfectly the way it should be.
I don't get how I can feel both at almost the same time. =/ I don't know what to do!!!! TT-TT
I was married and had only ever had sexual relations with my spouse when I decided to transition. BUT, I had always wanted to be a girl from my earliest memories.
Everyone's situation is different. You are here and safe. Ask all the questions you want. We have some gentle ears here.
Chin up!
Cindi
i am using the on line therapist recomended by nero no traval and i can schedule appointments in the middle of the night lol
My therapist is covered by insurance, I think her standard rate is around $120-130 (pretty average around here), but she uses a sliding scale for people. I see her once every 3-4 weeks at this point, and I'm not always focusing on the gender issues because it isn't really in question for me. I know the track I'm on, I talk about what I'm planning as "next steps", new experiences, and the changes I notice in myself. Other than that I talk about what's on my mind, family issues, fears, etc...just the random other problems I want to deal with. Hope this helps :)
And try not to dive blindly into anything permanently life altering, explore as much as YOU need to know for yourself.