Hi. I'm new to this place. I'm a female, born female, who is in a serious relationship with a FTM. I'm struggling right now because my family is 'freaking' out and I don't know if I should tell my friends or not. I wondered if any of you are in relationships, and if you're sig others have a hard time too....
Diana
Hello. Most of my good friends know about me and Jocelyn (my MtF finacee) and they are very accepting and supportive. I told my mother awhile back, we had a big fight about it, but she still talks to me. It's just weird because she acts like that discussion never happened, and I'm really very reluctant to remind her of it. She still doesn't know that we're engaged. No one else in my family knows anything, I'm going to try to keep it that way as long as I can because I just cannot deal with what they're reaction is going to be right now. I don't know if that's the best way to go about things, but it's the best I can do for myself and Jocelyn right now. How are things with you?
Quote from: angelsgirl on October 05, 2006, 04:47:48 PM
She still doesn't know that we're engaged. No one else in my family knows anything, I'm going to try to keep it that way as long as I can because I just cannot deal with what they're reaction is going to be right now. I don't know if that's the best way to go about things, but it's the best I can do for myself and Jocelyn right now.
It sounds like you're letting them stew in the idea that you have that relationship before making the news even bigger.
Melissa
Hi Diana! Welcome!
I'm MtF and married to a wonderful woman :angel: who is having big problems with my desire to change and is still hanging in there with me. Her family is still pretty much in the dark about this, except her mom, and she's very worried about what their reaction will be.
Does your family know the facts about transgendered people? Ignorance is one of the biggest obstacles that people run up against when trying to explain what's happening. Maybe they may be "freaking out" simply because they're unaware of the real issues? Do your best to educate them (info in Susan's WIKI and links are tailor made for this, btw) and I'm sure that it will help as long as they keep an open mind.
I'm pleased that you found us and I hope this site helps as much as you need it to. Again, WELCOME ! ! :)
Hugs & Smiles,
helen
Hi Diane,
I am post transition by 16 yrs. Was born intersex and assigned female at birth, and well that was as WRONG as it could get. lol I am married to a woman that had never even heard of most of this stuff, and came from a very conservative up bringing. We have never told her family one single thing. I have three step children by her that are all now grown and they have never been told either. My family and I look at it this way.... why should my medical history ( and this does apply to TS people) be talked about when others is not? In our life my transitional status is not a issue. If my wife had ever felt it was a issue I can assure you I would have never married her.
I don't want to tell you what to do. But I do want to ask you why you have a need or desire to tell your friends your boyfriends most intimate stuff? Can you help me understand why you would? How does he feel about it? What happened to make you disclose to your family? I guess I am asking for more of the picture so I can respond as accurately as possible for you. You have come to a great place for support and information!
Peace,
Taylor
Taylor, I can speak for my own situation on that. The reason I have to tell friends and family is because she is not anywhere near being transitioned yet. I don't mean any offense to her in needing to tell my friends and family about her condition. My friends and family met "Josh". When I start bringing home "Jocelyn" don't you think they're going to want to know what's up with that? I've had new friends come over and meet Jocelyn as a girl, but one of them thought that she was a girl transitioining to be a boy. So for this situation, I think, yes, explanations do need to be made.
Quote from: angelsgirl on October 05, 2006, 04:47:48 PM
Hello. Most of my good friends know about me and Jocelyn (my MtF finacee) and they are very accepting and supportive. I told my mother awhile back, we had a big fight about it, but she still talks to me. It's just weird because she acts like that discussion never happened, and I'm really very reluctant to remind her of it. She still doesn't know that we're engaged. No one else in my family knows anything, I'm going to try to keep it that way as long as I can because I just cannot deal with what they're reaction is going to be right now. I don't know if that's the best way to go about things, but it's the best I can do for myself and Jocelyn right now. How are things with you?
Thank you so much for your response. I relate to sooo much of what you said. My mom is totally in denial and does the same thing - pretends the topic doesn't exist. I would prefer that no one knew, but it happened a long time ago, prior to his decision to transition.
Posted on: October 11, 2006, 02:26:25 PM
Quote from: HelenW on October 05, 2006, 06:10:09 PM
Hi Diana! Welcome!
I'm MtF and married to a wonderful woman :angel: who is having big problems with my desire to change and is still hanging in there with me. Her family is still pretty much in the dark about this, except her mom, and she's very worried about what their reaction will be.
Does your family know the facts about transgendered people? Ignorance is one of the biggest obstacles that people run up against when trying to explain what's happening. Maybe they may be "freaking out" simply because they're unaware of the real issues? Do your best to educate them (info in Susan's WIKI and links are tailor made for this, btw) and I'm sure that it will help as long as they keep an open mind.
I'm pleased that you found us and I hope this site helps as much as you need it to. Again, WELCOME ! ! :)
Hugs & Smiles,
helen
Thank you for your comments and for welcoming me. This site has been immensely helpful already. I agree with you completely - but my mom is not even remotely willing to get educated right now. She is supposedly this ultra left wing, open-minded person who raised me around gays and lesbians and the idea of acceptance, but apparently she only meant as long as it doesn't personally affect her life. I'm very angry and hurt by her hypocracy. I will keep trying, but she won't even tolerate a simple discussion at this point.
Posted on: October 11, 2006, 02:29:44 PM
Quote from: taylor on October 05, 2006, 11:08:04 PM
Hi Diane,
I am post transition by 16 yrs. Was born intersex and assigned female at birth, and well that was as WRONG as it could get. lol I am married to a woman that had never even heard of most of this stuff, and came from a very conservative up bringing. We have never told her family one single thing. I have three step children by her that are all now grown and they have never been told either. My family and I look at it this way.... why should my medical history ( and this does apply to TS people) be talked about when others is not? In our life my transitional status is not a issue. If my wife had ever felt it was a issue I can assure you I would have never married her.
I don't want to tell you what to do. But I do want to ask you why you have a need or desire to tell your friends your boyfriends most intimate stuff? Can you help me understand why you would? How does he feel about it? What happened to make you disclose to your family? I guess I am asking for more of the picture so I can respond as accurately as possible for you. You have come to a great place for support and information!
Peace,
Taylor
Taylor,
Thank you for your comments. I agree with you completely - I would rather no one knew. Here's more of the story (abbreviated version) - this is our second relationship - the first one, he didn't tell me his gender and I found out from someone else. After some discussion, he was not willing at that point to transition, so I told my mom and a few friends that I was in a same-sex relationship, although I was not a lesbian. We later broke up (he left me for another woman he met at a party we had at our house, but I digress...) now 3 years later, we are together again, but there are some people who already know him and knew her. So now I just have to cope the best I can.
Diana~
I just posted to your other thread about the intimate areas, but I did want to put my 2 cents in here too. Oh and by the way...Welcome to Susan's. This is a great place (as you probably have already seen) for support.
Marco's and my relationship started as an affair. We were both married to men (both in the middle of divorces now). Me, being the 'girl scout' that I have been accused of being, could not live 'cheating'. I had never cheated before and dishonesty is just not a part of me. There were many factors involved in why our relationship began, but the short story is that my marriage had been over for about 5 years, it was just a matter of when the divorce was going to happen (my ex is psycho). Marco's situation was different. He was just trying to be something he couldn't be anymore. His ex has known about him all along, and although he is hurt that the marriage is ending, he has been supportive and Marco and he are able to remain friends. They have four kids, and his kids are a little 'wierded out' by Marco's transition, but having a dad that is supportive of our situation really helps the kids to deal with it in a healthy manner. My situation, on the other hand, was as soon as I admitted the affair to my ex, he called every family member and friend that I have and told them that I was a lesbian (which I have never identified as) and told everyone that I was crazy because I saw Marco (well he used his 'other' name) as a man. Since our split, he has 'found Jesus'. He damns me to hell every chance he gets and he makes our two kids' lives utter hell if they even try to reach out to me. No...my kids are not comfortable with it, but I am sure they could get used to it if it wasn't pounded into their heads everyday that I am an adulterous lesbian. I've tried explaining to my ex, I even apologized for hurting him, but this is all thrown back in my face and just this evening, as a matter of fact, he told me he hopes I burn in hell. It's really a torterous situation. My intimate life has become a matter of public record in my divorce proceedings and my family and friends (except one friend) have turned their backs on me. I've tried to explain to all of them. The thing that baffles me is, they all knew how unhappy I was in my marriage; they knew how abusive my ex is, but they are all so baffled how I could leave and turn to my life of 'sin'.
Well...my life is way too full to have to deal with judgers, so I just stay away from them. Sure it hurts. It hurts that my kids reject me because my ex has engrained in them so deeply that it would be the ultimate act of betrayal to love me. I just have faith that someday, they will be able to process this through adult minds and know that I have always been right here for them. I didn't turn my back on anyone...it was others who chose to shut me out.
Now...after all my ravings...my advice: tell only absolutely those who would need to know. If it is inconsequential and people aren't going to find out anyway, don't tell them. If you don't have someone in your life like my ex who is going to follow you around and tell everyone 'his' version, then it's not really hiding anything. If he had been born with some other birth defect and had it surgically fixed, you probably woudn't share that. They just need to know him for the man he is. Maybe let him decide if he wants to tell people.
:) :)
Pam
Hello Diana,
Welcome to Susan's. I am new here also. This is the first time in my over 30 FTM years that I have been able to plug into people with similar challenges and experiences. Never realized there were these types of support networks. It has helped tremendously the short time I have been visiting. Because the whole "sharing" thing is new to me I have limited comments and replys but your question and the reponses it received has compelled me to.
I can relate to different aspects to many of the experiences and challenges shared. I agree with the advice to not tell anybody unless it is absolutely necessary. I have countless examples of why not and not enough time to tell all.
I have been in relationships with straight females my entire existence. Most of them never knew, some heard "stories", the ones that found out never cared....it was me that had to leave at that point. Whenever parents or families "heard" or "knew" anything, the situations grew volatile and most times threatening. This was a number of years back...I feel things have not changed all that much. Not too many people know anything about TG's.
Needless to say that most times, the relationships didn't sustain the stress levels. I am still friends with many of those relationships...they were stepping stones to finding my "true love".
The ironic thing is that my SO (wife) is the first person I ever told, straight out when we were first getting together. She had shared with me that when she had lived on the west coast as a teenager, she was dating a guy who turned out to be a girl. she said she shared it with her mother who pretended to be understanding but concerned. My SO continued to see this "boyfriend", her mother caught them messing around and within a few days of that my SO was on a plane back to the east coast to live with her father. After a few tramatic experiences with genetic men and a few years later she meets me and I spring my story on her. God does have a sense of humor.
Anyway, after 7 years of being together, none of her family know anything. We have holidays with both her mothers and fathers side, everyone accepts me and raves about the incredible changes in my SO since she has meet me. (She was estranged from her father's side before we met)
I had even received her father's permission to marry her before I proposed. (We had a small private ceremony-my mother and a few close friends at the time).
I say what Pam says about the birth defect....its not anybody's business.
Hang in there...."Love NEVER fails"
Christopher
Quote from: MarcosGirl on October 13, 2006, 12:58:03 AM
Diana~
I just posted to your other thread about the intimate areas, but I did want to put my 2 cents in here too. Oh and by the way...Welcome to Susan's. This is a great place (as you probably have already seen) for support.
Marco's and my relationship started as an affair. We were both married to men (both in the middle of divorces now). Me, being the 'girl scout' that I have been accused of being, could not live 'cheating'. I had never cheated before and dishonesty is just not a part of me. There were many factors involved in why our relationship began, but the short story is that my marriage had been over for about 5 years, it was just a matter of when the divorce was going to happen (my ex is psycho). Marco's situation was different. He was just trying to be something he couldn't be anymore. His ex has known about him all along, and although he is hurt that the marriage is ending, he has been supportive and Marco and he are able to remain friends. They have four kids, and his kids are a little 'wierded out' by Marco's transition, but having a dad that is supportive of our situation really helps the kids to deal with it in a healthy manner. My situation, on the other hand, was as soon as I admitted the affair to my ex, he called every family member and friend that I have and told them that I was a lesbian (which I have never identified as) and told everyone that I was crazy because I saw Marco (well he used his 'other' name) as a man. Since our split, he has 'found Jesus'. He damns me to hell every chance he gets and he makes our two kids' lives utter hell if they even try to reach out to me. No...my kids are not comfortable with it, but I am sure they could get used to it if it wasn't pounded into their heads everyday that I am an adulterous lesbian. I've tried explaining to my ex, I even apologized for hurting him, but this is all thrown back in my face and just this evening, as a matter of fact, he told me he hopes I burn in hell. It's really a torterous situation. My intimate life has become a matter of public record in my divorce proceedings and my family and friends (except one friend) have turned their backs on me. I've tried to explain to all of them. The thing that baffles me is, they all knew how unhappy I was in my marriage; they knew how abusive my ex is, but they are all so baffled how I could leave and turn to my life of 'sin'.
Well...my life is way too full to have to deal with judgers, so I just stay away from them. Sure it hurts. It hurts that my kids reject me because my ex has engrained in them so deeply that it would be the ultimate act of betrayal to love me. I just have faith that someday, they will be able to process this through adult minds and know that I have always been right here for them. I didn't turn my back on anyone...it was others who chose to shut me out.
Now...after all my ravings...my advice: tell only absolutely those who would need to know. If it is inconsequential and people aren't going to find out anyway, don't tell them. If you don't have someone in your life like my ex who is going to follow you around and tell everyone 'his' version, then it's not really hiding anything. If he had been born with some other birth defect and had it surgically fixed, you probably woudn't share that. They just need to know him for the man he is. Maybe let him decide if he wants to tell people.
:) :)
Pam
Pam,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am truly sorry for all your pain - I understand and relate to some of it, but I have never been married and have no children. I agree with you completely - I don't want anyone knowing who doesn't have to, and the ones that do... I wish I could go back in time and change that. It was a totally new situation, and I had no experience dealing with it. Since I can't change the past, I will try to make the best of it now. I listen to all your going through, and to be honest, being that this is a new situation for me, it's scary. Part of me wishes we could pack up and move far away, where no one would know. That's also what my mom threatens too. That I'll have to, because someone will blackmail me at some point with the information. I just wish the world was different - more tolerant and less judgemental. I don't know... I have very mixed feelings today. Anyway, thank you again for your letter.
Diana
Posted on: October 23, 2006, 03:25:40 PM
Quote from: Christopher on October 21, 2006, 06:14:01 AM
Hello Diana,
Welcome to Susan's. I am new here also. This is the first time in my over 30 FTM years that I have been able to plug into people with similar challenges and experiences. Never realized there were these types of support networks. It has helped tremendously the short time I have been visiting. Because the whole "sharing" thing is new to me I have limited comments and replys but your question and the reponses it received has compelled me to.
I can relate to different aspects to many of the experiences and challenges shared. I agree with the advice to not tell anybody unless it is absolutely necessary. I have countless examples of why not and not enough time to tell all.
I have been in relationships with straight females my entire existence. Most of them never knew, some heard "stories", the ones that found out never cared....it was me that had to leave at that point. Whenever parents or families "heard" or "knew" anything, the situations grew volatile and most times threatening. This was a number of years back...I feel things have not changed all that much. Not too many people know anything about TG's.
Needless to say that most times, the relationships didn't sustain the stress levels. I am still friends with many of those relationships...they were stepping stones to finding my "true love".
The ironic thing is that my SO (wife) is the first person I ever told, straight out when we were first getting together. She had shared with me that when she had lived on the west coast as a teenager, she was dating a guy who turned out to be a girl. she said she shared it with her mother who pretended to be understanding but concerned. My SO continued to see this "boyfriend", her mother caught them messing around and within a few days of that my SO was on a plane back to the east coast to live with her father. After a few tramatic experiences with genetic men and a few years later she meets me and I spring my story on her. God does have a sense of humor.
Anyway, after 7 years of being together, none of her family know anything. We have holidays with both her mothers and fathers side, everyone accepts me and raves about the incredible changes in my SO since she has meet me. (She was estranged from her father's side before we met)
I had even received her father's permission to marry her before I proposed. (We had a small private ceremony-my mother and a few close friends at the time).
I say what Pam says about the birth defect....its not anybody's business.
Hang in there...."Love NEVER fails"
Christopher
That was really beautiful - I'm so grateful to everyone on here who has been willing to share their stories and lend their advice. I love your story. Mine situation is half and half. My mother knows, and is NOT dealing at all - my father has no idea, and I just told him this weekend I got engaged. It's so much better this way. He's just happy for me. As I said to Pam, I wish I could go back and change the past, and "untell" people, but I can't. I know my mother will NEVER accept it, and this makes me sad. But nonetheless, your story encourages me - as far as mine goes, only time will tell...
Hi DLT,
My wife and I have been married for a year an a half now. Her family knew that I was transsexual from almost the very beginning. I pretty much insisted. I did not want any secrets or surprises. It was hard for her to tell everyone, but is really glad she did now.
Once everyone gets past the initial surprise, "OMG!!!! he's a crossdresser?", "no, she's a transsexual". "Is he gay?" "no, she is not gay", they run out of things to say. Once everyone knew they would not be able to manipulate her, everyone accepted it, even her extremely homophobic older brothers who said "we weren't raised that way", called and told me that he had misjudged me because of bigotry and hoped I would accept his apology.
While I understand this may not be the right thing for everyone, for a whole variety of reasons, it has worked for me and my wife. One of the things that my wife told her family in helping them to accept our marriage was that she loved me. And more importantly she said "what? she is not entitled to be loved because she is transsexual?"
Her family has seen my devotion to her and I know my love for her has improved her life. Apparently she is happier. They have all told me they have never seen her happier and nothing could please me more.
Love always,
Elizabeth